Goodbyes: Aino Minako
Disclaimer: Not mine!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
No! I wake up suddenly, my hair is sticking to my neck and forehead, and my body is covered with a thin layer of sweat. I had that nightmare again. The nightmare I've had every night since her death. I watch her die, repeatedly in my dreams. Tears flood my eyes. 'Why Usagi-chan?' Still upset from seeing her die again, I quickly head for the bathroom. I need a bath; maybe it'll relax me.
Running the water, I strip and gently sit in the scalding water. I don't even bother to turn on the lights. The light from the moon bathes me as much as the water does. I'm glad Artemis decided to stay with Luna tonight. She needs comfort. 'And you don't?' a voice in my mind asks.
Tears reappear when I start to think of Serenity again. 'Why Usagi-chan?' I ask myself again. I should have saved her! I am the leader of the inner senshi, her protectors. I should have saved her. It should have been me who died. I would have then fulfilled my duty. My poor princess. My tear-streaked face crumples as sobs overtake me.
I am a failure. I should have been a better leader. I should have been more mature. I shouldn't have been such a ditz. I should have known she would try to protect us. I should have anticipated it. I should have stopped her. I should have stopped her!
Oh, Usagi-chan. My friend. Why did she have to leave me? Am I destined to be alone for my failure? Was this destiny...to have her die? Was this how she was supposed to go? Leave her young daughter without a mother and possibly without her father? Or is this a mistake? Pluto is the only one who could know, and she will never tell.
I failed in my duty – a duty I loved – to protect a goddess. Yet I let our Princess, Our Queen protect us. Why didn't I move faster? Why did she have to protect us? Any of us would have gladly died to protect her. Yet, she protected us. That was how big her heart was. She died to protect the senshi and Endymion. I know why she did it...but I should have prevented it. I am the leader of her guard. I should have stopped her. I should have died instead. We cannot survive without her; I cannot survive.
All of us are devastated, especially Endymion, and I doubt he will even survive this. Hell, even I want to die. Just to be with her. I know she would want me to make sure the other senshi and her King survive this. She'd want to me to help her daughter rule until she can take it on herself. But how can I when I am barely surviving? I know that Mamoru-san is lost. I am the Senshi of Love. I know that those two were soul-bonded...and death of one usually leads to the death of the other. And their bond is stronger than I could have imagined. Their bond is probably the strongest that ever will be. Yet, I am faced with the impossible task of keeping the senshi and him alive. *HOW?!* I cannot even convince myself to live.
Queen Serenity sent us here so that we could be happy. But we will never be truly happy now. The rest of my life will be filled with the pain and loneliness of losing the most important person in my life. I will always be aware of the void her death left me with. For the first time, I truly hate myself. I truly hate the fact I was reborn to see her die again. I hate the fact I am leader and as such I must survive to lead the others through this. I may hate that fact...but because of Usagi-chan, I would never give up on my duty. I don't want her to feel disappointed in me or to hate me.
She was the most beautiful person I ever saw. Her loving soul touched me deeply. Even now, I know she would want us to survive, to live and carry on in her name. Yet, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. How can I keep on living when the reason I lived for so long is gone? How can I keep fighting without the reason I fought? Yes, I fought for Earth and good...but the real reason I fought was for her and her love of justice and Earth.
I remember how I cried...cried when I felt the burden of leadership. She somehow knew I needed her...and she came to me and held me while I cried. She cried with me, as I know she felt the same burden. The burden of being a princess destined to be ruler. She cried with me because she felt the same burden if a little more keenly than me. I was only leader of her guard. She was leader of a world. Realizing her pain, helped me to let myself feel the burden, but not be overwhelmed by it. She understood me, like no one ever has.
I first saw her as Usagi-chan; she was outside of a building, wailing because someone stole her Sailor Moon identity. I felt a pull towards this girl. And I didn't understand it. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to ease her pain and I didn't know why. I knew I was Sailor V and Sailor Venus, and I had to find the Moon Princess, yet this girl distracted me. If it hadn't been for Artemis, I would have stopped to comfort her. That surprised me.
When I saw Sailor Moon within Kunzite's dome, I felt an uncontrollable rage. I didn't know why, but seeing her like that made me angry. I knew she shouldn't be caged. Not a beautiful person like her. After the rescue and how she thought I was so cool...I knew, and I vowed for all time, that I would protect her. I wanted to protect her innocence and naiveté. I wanted to protect her inner strength.
Finding out she was the Moon Princess we had all sought for didn't really surprise me. I had barely met her, yet I knew she was special. Seeing that angel before me, I remembered something precious. That she must always be protected and loved. That I must destroy the evil in this world...so that she could be happy with her prince. Seeing the wordless despair of losing her prince on her face, I vowed revenge on those that made that expression linger on her perfect face.
Losing her like this is devastating. She was a wonderful Queen and she should have lived so much longer. So much longer with me. With the Senshi, the King, her daughter. I feel the loneliness and pain. The heartrending despair that her death has caused me. And I am supposed to lead. With her death...Pluto told me, I am to be Queen Regent now until Small Lady is old enough. I don't want to rule. I want to be the leader of her guard again. I want my Queen back. That I supposedly profited from her death, fills me with such guilt and hatred of myself...it is suffocating.
"WHY?!" I scream, heedless of the fact there are people sleeping downstairs. Why I ask. Why do I have to carry on? Why do I have to take on her duties? Why do I have to be strong for everyone else, when all I want to do is die? I am not strong. I am weak, so weak without her. She meant the world to me. She meant everything to me, and I have to survive. For if I do not, I know she would be disappointed. Why can't this duty of rule fall on the King? But I already know why. Pluto didn't give him that duty, because she knows that he will not survive this, and even if he does, he will be empty. Without life or love, and giving him the duty his love and soul mate was suppose to carry with him, might push him over the edge. Even worse than he is now. And might very well kill him, if her death does not.
"Usagi-chan," I sob loudly as my shaking causes ripples in the bath water. "Usagi-chan, why do I have to live? Why do I have to take up your place? Why don't you come back like you have so many times before? I know I am a leader, but I was only supposed to be leader of you guard. I can't be Queen Regent for the Princess. I can't live for years without you. I feel the pain so keenly now, how can I feel this pain for that long? Even in your death, I think of people besides myself...yet, all I want is to join you." I cry harder, and look upon the moon that shines through the window.
"Usagi-chan, I never told you how much you mean to me, did I? I never told you I looked up to you. I never once said thank you for being you. I never told you that you were my sister in spirit, if not in body. I was leader of your guard not only for duty's sake but because you needed me as the leader. I did everything for you, do you realize that? I lived, I fought, and I even loved for you, Serenity. I enjoyed this world because you opened my eyes to the little pleasures in life. I was able to survive, to resolve what happened with Adonis... Everything." As my sobs turn silent, I move closer to the window...to see her home a little closer.
"Usagi-chan, I don't want to take over for you. I feel like I'm replacing you, and a poor replacement at that. I don't ever want to replace you. I never wanted that. Why, Usagi-chan? Why did you have do leave this on me?" I sob out.
"Usagi-chan, I regret letting you protect us, yet I know that you would never have done any differently. I regret that I cannot save your Endymion as only he can do that. I regret so much, my Queen. But most of all I regret that you never heard the words of what you meant to me. I regret not saying... I love you. For I do love you, Usagi-chan. You inspired, you lead, and you loved us so much. Yet, I never told you I appreciated or loved you. I wonder if I will ever be able to tell you that. I wonder if you knew."
"I knew, V-chan." As more tears fall, I smile. My princess knows. My princess really knows I love her and always have.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I whisper, standing up out of the bath. Wrapping a towel around myself, I step out and look up at the moon again. She will always be here in spirit. I miss her terribly. Now, I can take on the burden she once had, because she needs me to. I can be leader of the senshi again, because she wishes it. I can do this all for a few more years. For the princess I will one day be reunited with. For her.
~~~
AN: God, this is all awkward stuff and all. *sigh*
Lovies!
Disclaimer: Not mine!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
No! I wake up suddenly, my hair is sticking to my neck and forehead, and my body is covered with a thin layer of sweat. I had that nightmare again. The nightmare I've had every night since her death. I watch her die, repeatedly in my dreams. Tears flood my eyes. 'Why Usagi-chan?' Still upset from seeing her die again, I quickly head for the bathroom. I need a bath; maybe it'll relax me.
Running the water, I strip and gently sit in the scalding water. I don't even bother to turn on the lights. The light from the moon bathes me as much as the water does. I'm glad Artemis decided to stay with Luna tonight. She needs comfort. 'And you don't?' a voice in my mind asks.
Tears reappear when I start to think of Serenity again. 'Why Usagi-chan?' I ask myself again. I should have saved her! I am the leader of the inner senshi, her protectors. I should have saved her. It should have been me who died. I would have then fulfilled my duty. My poor princess. My tear-streaked face crumples as sobs overtake me.
I am a failure. I should have been a better leader. I should have been more mature. I shouldn't have been such a ditz. I should have known she would try to protect us. I should have anticipated it. I should have stopped her. I should have stopped her!
Oh, Usagi-chan. My friend. Why did she have to leave me? Am I destined to be alone for my failure? Was this destiny...to have her die? Was this how she was supposed to go? Leave her young daughter without a mother and possibly without her father? Or is this a mistake? Pluto is the only one who could know, and she will never tell.
I failed in my duty – a duty I loved – to protect a goddess. Yet I let our Princess, Our Queen protect us. Why didn't I move faster? Why did she have to protect us? Any of us would have gladly died to protect her. Yet, she protected us. That was how big her heart was. She died to protect the senshi and Endymion. I know why she did it...but I should have prevented it. I am the leader of her guard. I should have stopped her. I should have died instead. We cannot survive without her; I cannot survive.
All of us are devastated, especially Endymion, and I doubt he will even survive this. Hell, even I want to die. Just to be with her. I know she would want me to make sure the other senshi and her King survive this. She'd want to me to help her daughter rule until she can take it on herself. But how can I when I am barely surviving? I know that Mamoru-san is lost. I am the Senshi of Love. I know that those two were soul-bonded...and death of one usually leads to the death of the other. And their bond is stronger than I could have imagined. Their bond is probably the strongest that ever will be. Yet, I am faced with the impossible task of keeping the senshi and him alive. *HOW?!* I cannot even convince myself to live.
Queen Serenity sent us here so that we could be happy. But we will never be truly happy now. The rest of my life will be filled with the pain and loneliness of losing the most important person in my life. I will always be aware of the void her death left me with. For the first time, I truly hate myself. I truly hate the fact I was reborn to see her die again. I hate the fact I am leader and as such I must survive to lead the others through this. I may hate that fact...but because of Usagi-chan, I would never give up on my duty. I don't want her to feel disappointed in me or to hate me.
She was the most beautiful person I ever saw. Her loving soul touched me deeply. Even now, I know she would want us to survive, to live and carry on in her name. Yet, it is the hardest thing I have ever had to face. How can I keep on living when the reason I lived for so long is gone? How can I keep fighting without the reason I fought? Yes, I fought for Earth and good...but the real reason I fought was for her and her love of justice and Earth.
I remember how I cried...cried when I felt the burden of leadership. She somehow knew I needed her...and she came to me and held me while I cried. She cried with me, as I know she felt the same burden. The burden of being a princess destined to be ruler. She cried with me because she felt the same burden if a little more keenly than me. I was only leader of her guard. She was leader of a world. Realizing her pain, helped me to let myself feel the burden, but not be overwhelmed by it. She understood me, like no one ever has.
I first saw her as Usagi-chan; she was outside of a building, wailing because someone stole her Sailor Moon identity. I felt a pull towards this girl. And I didn't understand it. I wanted to comfort her. I wanted to ease her pain and I didn't know why. I knew I was Sailor V and Sailor Venus, and I had to find the Moon Princess, yet this girl distracted me. If it hadn't been for Artemis, I would have stopped to comfort her. That surprised me.
When I saw Sailor Moon within Kunzite's dome, I felt an uncontrollable rage. I didn't know why, but seeing her like that made me angry. I knew she shouldn't be caged. Not a beautiful person like her. After the rescue and how she thought I was so cool...I knew, and I vowed for all time, that I would protect her. I wanted to protect her innocence and naiveté. I wanted to protect her inner strength.
Finding out she was the Moon Princess we had all sought for didn't really surprise me. I had barely met her, yet I knew she was special. Seeing that angel before me, I remembered something precious. That she must always be protected and loved. That I must destroy the evil in this world...so that she could be happy with her prince. Seeing the wordless despair of losing her prince on her face, I vowed revenge on those that made that expression linger on her perfect face.
Losing her like this is devastating. She was a wonderful Queen and she should have lived so much longer. So much longer with me. With the Senshi, the King, her daughter. I feel the loneliness and pain. The heartrending despair that her death has caused me. And I am supposed to lead. With her death...Pluto told me, I am to be Queen Regent now until Small Lady is old enough. I don't want to rule. I want to be the leader of her guard again. I want my Queen back. That I supposedly profited from her death, fills me with such guilt and hatred of myself...it is suffocating.
"WHY?!" I scream, heedless of the fact there are people sleeping downstairs. Why I ask. Why do I have to carry on? Why do I have to take on her duties? Why do I have to be strong for everyone else, when all I want to do is die? I am not strong. I am weak, so weak without her. She meant the world to me. She meant everything to me, and I have to survive. For if I do not, I know she would be disappointed. Why can't this duty of rule fall on the King? But I already know why. Pluto didn't give him that duty, because she knows that he will not survive this, and even if he does, he will be empty. Without life or love, and giving him the duty his love and soul mate was suppose to carry with him, might push him over the edge. Even worse than he is now. And might very well kill him, if her death does not.
"Usagi-chan," I sob loudly as my shaking causes ripples in the bath water. "Usagi-chan, why do I have to live? Why do I have to take up your place? Why don't you come back like you have so many times before? I know I am a leader, but I was only supposed to be leader of you guard. I can't be Queen Regent for the Princess. I can't live for years without you. I feel the pain so keenly now, how can I feel this pain for that long? Even in your death, I think of people besides myself...yet, all I want is to join you." I cry harder, and look upon the moon that shines through the window.
"Usagi-chan, I never told you how much you mean to me, did I? I never told you I looked up to you. I never once said thank you for being you. I never told you that you were my sister in spirit, if not in body. I was leader of your guard not only for duty's sake but because you needed me as the leader. I did everything for you, do you realize that? I lived, I fought, and I even loved for you, Serenity. I enjoyed this world because you opened my eyes to the little pleasures in life. I was able to survive, to resolve what happened with Adonis... Everything." As my sobs turn silent, I move closer to the window...to see her home a little closer.
"Usagi-chan, I don't want to take over for you. I feel like I'm replacing you, and a poor replacement at that. I don't ever want to replace you. I never wanted that. Why, Usagi-chan? Why did you have do leave this on me?" I sob out.
"Usagi-chan, I regret letting you protect us, yet I know that you would never have done any differently. I regret that I cannot save your Endymion as only he can do that. I regret so much, my Queen. But most of all I regret that you never heard the words of what you meant to me. I regret not saying... I love you. For I do love you, Usagi-chan. You inspired, you lead, and you loved us so much. Yet, I never told you I appreciated or loved you. I wonder if I will ever be able to tell you that. I wonder if you knew."
"I knew, V-chan." As more tears fall, I smile. My princess knows. My princess really knows I love her and always have.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I whisper, standing up out of the bath. Wrapping a towel around myself, I step out and look up at the moon again. She will always be here in spirit. I miss her terribly. Now, I can take on the burden she once had, because she needs me to. I can be leader of the senshi again, because she wishes it. I can do this all for a few more years. For the princess I will one day be reunited with. For her.
~~~
AN: God, this is all awkward stuff and all. *sigh*
Lovies!