Goodbyes: Ten'ou Haruka
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't own, I only *wish* I did.
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
'Why Odango?!' I ask fate yet again. Driving home from one of my races, I realized it. I finally realized it. I knew she died. But I never let myself realize it. Driving has always calmed me, yet I raced so long ago to run from my destiny. I want to run from it again. I want to run from the pain of her death. Slamming on the brakes, I pull over and get out of my car. Slamming the car door, I take off running. Running away, I suppose. I know I should be comforting Michiru, but I can't right now. I can't comfort her when the pain is too much for me. How can I comfort her, when I am not comforted?
I run away, as fast as I have ever ran. I slow to a stop, standing over a cliff. Running didn't let me escape the pain. I still felt it. So why run anymore?
Looking over the ocean, I see the waves hit the rocks below me. Why did she have to protect us? Any of us would have gladly died for her, yet the innocent, naive Queen ran in front of the blast, taking it full on. I can still hear her heartrending scream of pain. Yet, the scream held something else. Held relief, relief for saving her friends and her love. It also held regret. Regret for her loved ones. Most of all it held all the love she had for Endymion, and us and the reason she sacrificed herself. For love.
Not for the first time, tears threaten. But unlike before, I let them come. I'm tired of fighting the pain, the despair. I look up to the moon as the first tears touch my cheeks. The first tears I have shed in a long time. Tears for a woman I cared for. I have been angry with her and hated her...yet, I really should have directed that towards myself. I didn't protect her. I failed in a duty as old as time. A duty to protect the light of the universe. The one person capable of saving it.
The Outers have always held themselves aloof from the Inners, yet we too felt the light of our princess, and our duty for the princess, just as keenly. We also felt the loneliness of our posts. We have held ourselves aloof for duty, yet we didn't like it. We were jealous of the Inners for their duty let them be with the princess, while ours did not. But that was a long time ago, during the Silver Millennium.
Usagi-chan taught us – me – so much. She taught me the value of co-operation. The value of friendship. She taught me to let people in. She let me take pleasure in our duty, when before I had run from it. Run from it, because I didn't want to be even more alone than I already was. Yet that same duty I was afraid of let me be with my princess, who took the loneliness away. Yes, I know I have Michiru...she and I share a deep love, but our duty will always be first in our hearts.
When I first met Tsukino Usagi, she intrigued me. She drew me to her, like no other ever has. I was torn. I felt protectiveness for this young girl whom shown with light and life, yet I loved Michiru. I was torn apart by that. I felt like I was betraying her. It wasn't until we found out she was the princess did I understand and realize I need not be torn. Usagi-chan was so full of life like I was not, that I felt the need to make sure she did not feel pain like I had.
When I first saw Sailor Moon, I was cruel and insensitive when it came to her but it was because I was afraid. Afraid of how she made me want to protect her and fight with her. I felt we had different objectives and wanting to fight with her confused me. Especially when I wanted to fight for her.
Realizing she was our princess and the Messiah of Light, everything was made clear. She was why we fought. I let myself care for her and relished my duty for the first time in a millennium. I love Michiru but my duty to Serenity comes first. It is the same for my wife. I felt whole and happy and peace filled my soul when we realized our search was over and our Princess was alive. I swore to protect her, because she needed someone who didn't always see the good in people. She did tend to be too trusting yet I still looked up to that. How in the world, with everything she went through, she could still trust everybody? I knew though. She was pure and good. She was the incarnation of all that was good in the world. She was the universe's child. She held no malice for any of the pain inflicted on her. When I would have. She was a goddess, our Princess, our Queen.
I looked up over the horizon, starting to feel the despair and self-hatred. I hate myself for failing in my duty. I may have run from it before, but that was no excuse not to live up to it. I hate myself for letting her die. I hate myself for not protecting her. I feel defeated. I really despise myself for not telling her how I feel. How much she changed my life. I wish I could have let her know that she meant so much to me. She and Michiru were my life. And I failed her; I failed Michiru. I feel torn again. I failed my Queen by letting her die. I failed Michiru for letting our Queen die and causing her the pain I feel. I failed in not telling her what she meant to me. I failed in letting her know... I love her. 'I failed,' I repeat again. Sobbing harder, I look up at the full moon.
"Odango," I sob quietly. "Serenity, I am sorry. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I am alive when I should have died protecting you. I know you don't want that. I know you don't want any of us to hurt. Yet, without you, we feel empty. I feel empty. I was never as close to you as the Inners but I cared and cherished you the same as they did. I may have Michiru but that never diminished my feelings for you. Why did I have to hide my feelings? Why couldn't I have opened up just once? Just once to tell you what you mean to me. Why did I have to be so hard?" The moon shines despite my pain, and the tears fall faster as my body shakes with the pain.
"Odango, remember when I kissed you? How jealous Mamoru-san was? I felt something in that kiss. Not the feeling that I'm sure Mamoru-san feels, but a spark. Like I knew you. Like I must be near you. Not in the same way as the King but I had to protect you and be with you. You filled me with peace. I had hope for the future and felt your hope in that kiss. I never knew why I kissed you then. But I do now. It is because I love you... the very same love the other senshi feel. But maybe I am also a little bit in love with you. Did you know that? Did you know I love you? Did you know you meant so much to me?" I fall to my knees, still staring at the moon.
"Why didn't I tell you how much you mean to me? I have so much I wish I could have told you. I wish I could have told you that being born again in this world and finding you made me very happy. That we were finely able to be with the Princess we wanted and had to protect. That we were finally able to live with our reason for protecting the universe made us want to fight. I was jealous of your guard during the Silver Millennium. I was jealous because they had you. That they never felt what we, the Outers, felt. The loneliness of our posts. They never realized how lucky they were. How lucky we are now. Do you know I felt lucky that I was able to fight by your side instead of from afar? Do you know I loved my duty then? Do you know I love you?!" I cry out.
"I know, Haruka-chan, I know." I smile through the tears, not the least bit surprised. Our princess could accomplish anything, and giving us hope beyond the grave is one of those accomplishments.
"Thank you, Odango," I say. I stand up slowly, brushing off my jeans. Looking up at the moon again, I sigh softly.
I still wish she were here. But maybe, it'll be just like what we Outers did so long ago. We will protect our Queen's world, alone. We will protect what she loves without being with her. It is painful, but for her, I would do anything. For my princess, my Queen and my friend. For my love Michiru, and my love Serenity, Usagi-chan, Odango, and Sailor Moon. I will continue. I will help her daughter to become Queen and maybe, someday, I can be at peace. With my wife and my Queen.
~~~
AN: This one was really hard... and it's really bad. *sigh*
Lovies!
Disclaimer: Not mine, don't own, I only *wish* I did.
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
'Why Odango?!' I ask fate yet again. Driving home from one of my races, I realized it. I finally realized it. I knew she died. But I never let myself realize it. Driving has always calmed me, yet I raced so long ago to run from my destiny. I want to run from it again. I want to run from the pain of her death. Slamming on the brakes, I pull over and get out of my car. Slamming the car door, I take off running. Running away, I suppose. I know I should be comforting Michiru, but I can't right now. I can't comfort her when the pain is too much for me. How can I comfort her, when I am not comforted?
I run away, as fast as I have ever ran. I slow to a stop, standing over a cliff. Running didn't let me escape the pain. I still felt it. So why run anymore?
Looking over the ocean, I see the waves hit the rocks below me. Why did she have to protect us? Any of us would have gladly died for her, yet the innocent, naive Queen ran in front of the blast, taking it full on. I can still hear her heartrending scream of pain. Yet, the scream held something else. Held relief, relief for saving her friends and her love. It also held regret. Regret for her loved ones. Most of all it held all the love she had for Endymion, and us and the reason she sacrificed herself. For love.
Not for the first time, tears threaten. But unlike before, I let them come. I'm tired of fighting the pain, the despair. I look up to the moon as the first tears touch my cheeks. The first tears I have shed in a long time. Tears for a woman I cared for. I have been angry with her and hated her...yet, I really should have directed that towards myself. I didn't protect her. I failed in a duty as old as time. A duty to protect the light of the universe. The one person capable of saving it.
The Outers have always held themselves aloof from the Inners, yet we too felt the light of our princess, and our duty for the princess, just as keenly. We also felt the loneliness of our posts. We have held ourselves aloof for duty, yet we didn't like it. We were jealous of the Inners for their duty let them be with the princess, while ours did not. But that was a long time ago, during the Silver Millennium.
Usagi-chan taught us – me – so much. She taught me the value of co-operation. The value of friendship. She taught me to let people in. She let me take pleasure in our duty, when before I had run from it. Run from it, because I didn't want to be even more alone than I already was. Yet that same duty I was afraid of let me be with my princess, who took the loneliness away. Yes, I know I have Michiru...she and I share a deep love, but our duty will always be first in our hearts.
When I first met Tsukino Usagi, she intrigued me. She drew me to her, like no other ever has. I was torn. I felt protectiveness for this young girl whom shown with light and life, yet I loved Michiru. I was torn apart by that. I felt like I was betraying her. It wasn't until we found out she was the princess did I understand and realize I need not be torn. Usagi-chan was so full of life like I was not, that I felt the need to make sure she did not feel pain like I had.
When I first saw Sailor Moon, I was cruel and insensitive when it came to her but it was because I was afraid. Afraid of how she made me want to protect her and fight with her. I felt we had different objectives and wanting to fight with her confused me. Especially when I wanted to fight for her.
Realizing she was our princess and the Messiah of Light, everything was made clear. She was why we fought. I let myself care for her and relished my duty for the first time in a millennium. I love Michiru but my duty to Serenity comes first. It is the same for my wife. I felt whole and happy and peace filled my soul when we realized our search was over and our Princess was alive. I swore to protect her, because she needed someone who didn't always see the good in people. She did tend to be too trusting yet I still looked up to that. How in the world, with everything she went through, she could still trust everybody? I knew though. She was pure and good. She was the incarnation of all that was good in the world. She was the universe's child. She held no malice for any of the pain inflicted on her. When I would have. She was a goddess, our Princess, our Queen.
I looked up over the horizon, starting to feel the despair and self-hatred. I hate myself for failing in my duty. I may have run from it before, but that was no excuse not to live up to it. I hate myself for letting her die. I hate myself for not protecting her. I feel defeated. I really despise myself for not telling her how I feel. How much she changed my life. I wish I could have let her know that she meant so much to me. She and Michiru were my life. And I failed her; I failed Michiru. I feel torn again. I failed my Queen by letting her die. I failed Michiru for letting our Queen die and causing her the pain I feel. I failed in not telling her what she meant to me. I failed in letting her know... I love her. 'I failed,' I repeat again. Sobbing harder, I look up at the full moon.
"Odango," I sob quietly. "Serenity, I am sorry. I'm sorry I failed you. I'm sorry I am alive when I should have died protecting you. I know you don't want that. I know you don't want any of us to hurt. Yet, without you, we feel empty. I feel empty. I was never as close to you as the Inners but I cared and cherished you the same as they did. I may have Michiru but that never diminished my feelings for you. Why did I have to hide my feelings? Why couldn't I have opened up just once? Just once to tell you what you mean to me. Why did I have to be so hard?" The moon shines despite my pain, and the tears fall faster as my body shakes with the pain.
"Odango, remember when I kissed you? How jealous Mamoru-san was? I felt something in that kiss. Not the feeling that I'm sure Mamoru-san feels, but a spark. Like I knew you. Like I must be near you. Not in the same way as the King but I had to protect you and be with you. You filled me with peace. I had hope for the future and felt your hope in that kiss. I never knew why I kissed you then. But I do now. It is because I love you... the very same love the other senshi feel. But maybe I am also a little bit in love with you. Did you know that? Did you know I love you? Did you know you meant so much to me?" I fall to my knees, still staring at the moon.
"Why didn't I tell you how much you mean to me? I have so much I wish I could have told you. I wish I could have told you that being born again in this world and finding you made me very happy. That we were finely able to be with the Princess we wanted and had to protect. That we were finally able to live with our reason for protecting the universe made us want to fight. I was jealous of your guard during the Silver Millennium. I was jealous because they had you. That they never felt what we, the Outers, felt. The loneliness of our posts. They never realized how lucky they were. How lucky we are now. Do you know I felt lucky that I was able to fight by your side instead of from afar? Do you know I loved my duty then? Do you know I love you?!" I cry out.
"I know, Haruka-chan, I know." I smile through the tears, not the least bit surprised. Our princess could accomplish anything, and giving us hope beyond the grave is one of those accomplishments.
"Thank you, Odango," I say. I stand up slowly, brushing off my jeans. Looking up at the moon again, I sigh softly.
I still wish she were here. But maybe, it'll be just like what we Outers did so long ago. We will protect our Queen's world, alone. We will protect what she loves without being with her. It is painful, but for her, I would do anything. For my princess, my Queen and my friend. For my love Michiru, and my love Serenity, Usagi-chan, Odango, and Sailor Moon. I will continue. I will help her daughter to become Queen and maybe, someday, I can be at peace. With my wife and my Queen.
~~~
AN: This one was really hard... and it's really bad. *sigh*
Lovies!