Goodbyes: Kaioh Michiru
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not mine nor will it ever be mine. I dream though!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
Gone. I lower my violin, realization hitting my very soul. She's gone. Looking at my violin, but not really seeing it, I slowly sit down. I watch her die repeatedly in my mind. Closing my eyes tightly, I try to shut out the images, knowing it won't help. Why? I want to know how destiny could be so cruel. Destiny took away our princess. Didn't we give up enough for fate? Didn't we give up our dreams, our lives, and our very happiness? Only our happiness was Serenity. And it decided to take the one thing our duty provided us with that made it all worth it. I want to give up. Give up being Sailor Neptune. Give up living.
I denied her death for almost a week. I didn't want to give in to the pain and despair that little angel gave us when she died. I know how much Haruka is suffering, denying it also. But I cannot help her. How can I when I feel the torment too? I cannot give her words of comfort when I know of none in this. I am not comforted. Picking up the violin, I start to play. I start to play a song from my heart. Hearing the music, it is heartrending. The same as I feel. I pour myself into that song. Pouring out the pain, the loneliness, and the despair. Hoping that maybe, it'll make me feel better.
Remembering her smile and her laugh makes the music turn to fond sadness. I will never again see her smile, hear her laugh, or feel her presence in my life. I will never again feel the peace she gave us. Letting the song end, I set my violin down and slowly walk towards the balcony. Letting the wind blow my hair softly, I close my eyes.
I remember. I remember seeing her as Usagi-chan, how she was so full of life and how she cared. She cared for everyone so deeply; I'm surprised she didn't go crazy. Go crazy from the pain that people give each other. Yet, maybe that is why she was so hopeful. If she believed the best in people, the pain they caused each other was much easier to deal with. I respected how she could be so hopeful about the future. Her eyes showed wisdom beyond her years, beyond her thousand of years. Her eyes had shown with wisdom, hope, dreams, and life. Her eyes simply shined with life. Her outlook on everything made me wish to keep this world protected. And I didn't even know who she was. I just wanted her to always stay hopeful and trusting. She made me feel so connected to this world, and to her. Maybe my soul knew who she was even then. My feelings for her confused me and tormented me sometimes. I was trying to be cold so that I could find the talismans and here she was, wanted everyone to live and be happy. I had thought the world didn't work that way. I was so very wrong.
As Sailor Moon, it tore me apart to be so cold to her when all she wanted to do was protect her loved ones and her world. It tore at my very soul to see her eyes when she looked at me. Hope and trust were there, but so was disbelief and hurt at the pain of what I threatened to do to find those talismans. She trusted me because somewhere in her soul she believed we were on the same side, yet every action and word I did and said contradicted that. She was confused and I hated myself for doing that to the beautiful warrior. She inspired my protection. She made me want to protect her and her beliefs. She made me want to fight for her and with her, yet I thought I could not. I regret not joining her, maybe it would have turned out a little differently. Less painful.
Learning our precious Usagi-chan and Sailor Moon was the Messiah and our princess from so long ago was in some way a relief. I then knew that I had a bigger purpose and the destiny and duty I had so hated, became less of a burden and even a pleasure. I wanted to protect her and her prince. I wanted to protect her innocence and life. I wished to keep her smiling and happy for all time. A thousand years ago, I was never able to protect her directly. Our duty was solitary and lonely. But we were reborn here together with our princess. We were happy and peace filled my soul for the first time in both of my lives. I was no longer alone and no longer had to fulfill my duty alone.
Now, I feel the pain, the despair, the hopelessness, and the loneliness like never before. I failed in my duty. I failed my princess. I failed the other senshi and I failed Haruka. I let her die. Now our chance at happiness is gone. We will forever feel the pain her death left us, those of us that survive this. All of us must fight an inner battle. A battle to survive for her when we want to join her. I know that the King is probably lost and that grieves me as well. That her husband will die and I cannot keep him alive for her. I will fail in that as well. Pluto told us to leave him alone but what if he goes? How could we face our Queen in the next life knowing we could not save her love?
Looking over Crystal Tokyo from the window, I see the lights of the happy people and their happy families. I start to feel a jealousy so fierce it startles me. They will never know the pain. The pain of a duty failed. The pain of a loss this great. The pain of bonds broken, bonds between the princess and each of the senshi. They will never feel the loneliness of losing someone so special that has lasted a thousand years and would have lasted longer. They will never feel the despair that I now feel and I hate them for that. I regret that hate yet cannot stop myself from feeling it. I know that Usagi-chan would never want that.
I looked up towards the moon. The beautiful moon, the home of our angel. Tears fall freely and my body shakes with emotion. I regret not talking more with her. I regret not telling her how much I cared for her. I am sorry for not telling her that we are glad we were reborn here with her. I regret not telling her that I love her.
"Usagi-chan, why?" I whisper softly, sobbing over the words. "Why protect us? We are useless and empty without you. I am useless and empty. I feel only the pain and loneliness your death has left me with. I can see your death repeatedly in my dreams, in my mind, and I am surprised that I have not gone insane from it. Insane from the grief and loneliness. Insane from the knowledge that I failed. I failed you, I failed me, the rest of the senshi, and I failed Haruka. She hurts so much because of your death, yet I cannot ease it. I can't even ease my own! How can I help her? How can any of us survive?" I sob harder, tears clouding my vision, yet I refuse to move my eyes from the lovely moon.
"Usagi-chan, did you know that you mean the world to each of us? Do you know that you mean so much to me? Do you remember how I treated you before we knew you were the Messiah? I am sorry for that. I never meant to cause you pain. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted to protect you. I treated you badly and I am sorry." I feel the tears hit my hands resting on the handrail.
"Usagi-chan, I regret not telling you I was happy when I knew I was reborn here with a chance to protect you directly. I fought for you even alone on Neptune. I fought for you even then. But knowing I was able to be with you made my heart soar. I realized I was never going to feel the pain of a duty alone. But I was wrong. I am alone again. And I never told you that you made me into who I was. My memory of you made me. I never told you I adore you, I look up to you, care for you. I never told you I love you. Why didn't I tell you?! Why did I have wait until you can no longer hear me? I love you. I love you." I let out my pain and sorrow into those words I could finally say.
"I can hear you, Michiru-chan." I sob harder with a brief wave of joy and relief fills me. She heard. She really heard.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I whisper to her wherever she may be. Smiling softly, I thank whoever can hear me that my Queen knows how I feel. I now know that although I will forever feel this pain and sorrow, I will also have the relief and joy of being able to say 'I love you' to my Queen. To my dearest friend.
I will see her again. Soon.
~~~
AN: Gods, what was I thinking when I originally wrote this? *shudder*
Lovies!
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not mine nor will it ever be mine. I dream though!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
Gone. I lower my violin, realization hitting my very soul. She's gone. Looking at my violin, but not really seeing it, I slowly sit down. I watch her die repeatedly in my mind. Closing my eyes tightly, I try to shut out the images, knowing it won't help. Why? I want to know how destiny could be so cruel. Destiny took away our princess. Didn't we give up enough for fate? Didn't we give up our dreams, our lives, and our very happiness? Only our happiness was Serenity. And it decided to take the one thing our duty provided us with that made it all worth it. I want to give up. Give up being Sailor Neptune. Give up living.
I denied her death for almost a week. I didn't want to give in to the pain and despair that little angel gave us when she died. I know how much Haruka is suffering, denying it also. But I cannot help her. How can I when I feel the torment too? I cannot give her words of comfort when I know of none in this. I am not comforted. Picking up the violin, I start to play. I start to play a song from my heart. Hearing the music, it is heartrending. The same as I feel. I pour myself into that song. Pouring out the pain, the loneliness, and the despair. Hoping that maybe, it'll make me feel better.
Remembering her smile and her laugh makes the music turn to fond sadness. I will never again see her smile, hear her laugh, or feel her presence in my life. I will never again feel the peace she gave us. Letting the song end, I set my violin down and slowly walk towards the balcony. Letting the wind blow my hair softly, I close my eyes.
I remember. I remember seeing her as Usagi-chan, how she was so full of life and how she cared. She cared for everyone so deeply; I'm surprised she didn't go crazy. Go crazy from the pain that people give each other. Yet, maybe that is why she was so hopeful. If she believed the best in people, the pain they caused each other was much easier to deal with. I respected how she could be so hopeful about the future. Her eyes showed wisdom beyond her years, beyond her thousand of years. Her eyes had shown with wisdom, hope, dreams, and life. Her eyes simply shined with life. Her outlook on everything made me wish to keep this world protected. And I didn't even know who she was. I just wanted her to always stay hopeful and trusting. She made me feel so connected to this world, and to her. Maybe my soul knew who she was even then. My feelings for her confused me and tormented me sometimes. I was trying to be cold so that I could find the talismans and here she was, wanted everyone to live and be happy. I had thought the world didn't work that way. I was so very wrong.
As Sailor Moon, it tore me apart to be so cold to her when all she wanted to do was protect her loved ones and her world. It tore at my very soul to see her eyes when she looked at me. Hope and trust were there, but so was disbelief and hurt at the pain of what I threatened to do to find those talismans. She trusted me because somewhere in her soul she believed we were on the same side, yet every action and word I did and said contradicted that. She was confused and I hated myself for doing that to the beautiful warrior. She inspired my protection. She made me want to protect her and her beliefs. She made me want to fight for her and with her, yet I thought I could not. I regret not joining her, maybe it would have turned out a little differently. Less painful.
Learning our precious Usagi-chan and Sailor Moon was the Messiah and our princess from so long ago was in some way a relief. I then knew that I had a bigger purpose and the destiny and duty I had so hated, became less of a burden and even a pleasure. I wanted to protect her and her prince. I wanted to protect her innocence and life. I wished to keep her smiling and happy for all time. A thousand years ago, I was never able to protect her directly. Our duty was solitary and lonely. But we were reborn here together with our princess. We were happy and peace filled my soul for the first time in both of my lives. I was no longer alone and no longer had to fulfill my duty alone.
Now, I feel the pain, the despair, the hopelessness, and the loneliness like never before. I failed in my duty. I failed my princess. I failed the other senshi and I failed Haruka. I let her die. Now our chance at happiness is gone. We will forever feel the pain her death left us, those of us that survive this. All of us must fight an inner battle. A battle to survive for her when we want to join her. I know that the King is probably lost and that grieves me as well. That her husband will die and I cannot keep him alive for her. I will fail in that as well. Pluto told us to leave him alone but what if he goes? How could we face our Queen in the next life knowing we could not save her love?
Looking over Crystal Tokyo from the window, I see the lights of the happy people and their happy families. I start to feel a jealousy so fierce it startles me. They will never know the pain. The pain of a duty failed. The pain of a loss this great. The pain of bonds broken, bonds between the princess and each of the senshi. They will never feel the loneliness of losing someone so special that has lasted a thousand years and would have lasted longer. They will never feel the despair that I now feel and I hate them for that. I regret that hate yet cannot stop myself from feeling it. I know that Usagi-chan would never want that.
I looked up towards the moon. The beautiful moon, the home of our angel. Tears fall freely and my body shakes with emotion. I regret not talking more with her. I regret not telling her how much I cared for her. I am sorry for not telling her that we are glad we were reborn here with her. I regret not telling her that I love her.
"Usagi-chan, why?" I whisper softly, sobbing over the words. "Why protect us? We are useless and empty without you. I am useless and empty. I feel only the pain and loneliness your death has left me with. I can see your death repeatedly in my dreams, in my mind, and I am surprised that I have not gone insane from it. Insane from the grief and loneliness. Insane from the knowledge that I failed. I failed you, I failed me, the rest of the senshi, and I failed Haruka. She hurts so much because of your death, yet I cannot ease it. I can't even ease my own! How can I help her? How can any of us survive?" I sob harder, tears clouding my vision, yet I refuse to move my eyes from the lovely moon.
"Usagi-chan, did you know that you mean the world to each of us? Do you know that you mean so much to me? Do you remember how I treated you before we knew you were the Messiah? I am sorry for that. I never meant to cause you pain. I never meant to hurt you. I just wanted to protect you. I treated you badly and I am sorry." I feel the tears hit my hands resting on the handrail.
"Usagi-chan, I regret not telling you I was happy when I knew I was reborn here with a chance to protect you directly. I fought for you even alone on Neptune. I fought for you even then. But knowing I was able to be with you made my heart soar. I realized I was never going to feel the pain of a duty alone. But I was wrong. I am alone again. And I never told you that you made me into who I was. My memory of you made me. I never told you I adore you, I look up to you, care for you. I never told you I love you. Why didn't I tell you?! Why did I have wait until you can no longer hear me? I love you. I love you." I let out my pain and sorrow into those words I could finally say.
"I can hear you, Michiru-chan." I sob harder with a brief wave of joy and relief fills me. She heard. She really heard.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I whisper to her wherever she may be. Smiling softly, I thank whoever can hear me that my Queen knows how I feel. I now know that although I will forever feel this pain and sorrow, I will also have the relief and joy of being able to say 'I love you' to my Queen. To my dearest friend.
I will see her again. Soon.
~~~
AN: Gods, what was I thinking when I originally wrote this? *shudder*
Lovies!