Goodbyes: Meiou Setsuna
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not mine. I'm broke, don't sue!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
'No!' I scream silently to myself, pacing in front of the Gate of Time, the only place I could be alone with my grief. Why didn't I see this coming? How could I have let this happen? I was never in denial about her death like the others were. I knew that this was an accident. An accident of fate, and even though I can open the gates of Time, I am powerless. For the first time, I am powerless. Collapsing onto the ground in the black void of time, I start to sob, thankful for the solitude during my grief. I don't want the others to see the Mistress of Time, the Mysterious Time Senshi, Sailor Pluto lose her composure. I don't want the others to see me, who has endured through thousands of years alone guarding the gate, cry. Who has endured the pain of the fall of the Silver Millennium. Who cannot endure the pain of losing her princess and future queen.
The temptation to go back in time to change it is unbearable. Not knowing the consequences of how her survival will affect time in the long run is the only reason I have not attempted it. But I want to. I want to change time like I have never wanted to do anything else. Just to have my queen back. To see her smile and laugh again. Yet knowing I cannot grieves me beyond description. It tears at my soul that I can change it, but I must not.
Getting control of myself, I open the time gate to the Silver Millennium on Earth. Looking over my prince's kingdom, the pain imbeds itself deeper. Closing the Gate, I walk on the Earth. Looking upon the Earth of so long ago, my vision wavers. The tears fall without warning as I fall to the ground. Screaming out in wordless agony, I throw myself upon the soft grass.
'I failed.' If only I had seen it coming somehow. She wasn't supposed to protect us there. She wasn't supposed to be hit by a blast that was meant for all of us. We were supposed to be hit, and she was supposed to use her crystal to heal us. How fate changes. I should have seen it! I continue to badger myself mercilessly.
I remember how much she brightened up my lonely existence my duty caused me, even during the Silver Millennium. I watched her, silently. I watched her grow up healthy and beautiful. I watched as she learned of her duty and the pain of her duty. I also watched her meet and care for the prince. I watched her bond with him grow into the strongest and deepest soul-bond I have ever known or heard of. Maybe I lived a little through her. I lived through her joys and her sorrows. I knew from early on she was worthy of the loyalty of the Outer and Inner Senshi. I knew she was special.
Watching her kill herself after Endymion fell protecting her was one of my most painful memories. Knowing this was apart of destiny and would lead to a better future never once comforted me. Seeing a woman so full of life and love reduced to suicide because her soul-bond was slain made my soul cry out. That such pain was necessary for a better future made me doubt my duty and myself. I wanted to save them both but I held fast. I went on because I knew the future.
This time, I do not know what is to come. I am blind to the future for the first time since I became the guardian of Time. That scares me. Shakes me deep within my soul. The only knowledge of this new future is that Venus will be Queen in Serenity's stead while Chibi-Usa grows. And Endymion will most likely not be in the future. The bond between them is too strong. He will be empty should he live. It is painful to know this, yet allow it to happen. But I must allow it. I must allow it to take its course because nothing I can say or anyone else can say will ever save him. It is up to him and their bond.
Knowing everything that will happen in the future, past and present lets out the joy in life. But when I was reborn on Earth with my princess, knowing that my duty was no longer solitary, I began to enjoy life. Even knowing things that happen. Now she is gone, and the joy I felt is gone. Sitting up slowly, sobs escaping me, I look up to the moon.
I regret not telling her that she meant that much to me. I was cold to her when we first met, and continued to be cold to her for quite some time. Yet, I only did that for her protection. I didn't want her to get too involved. I wanted to protect her, yet I probably shouldn't have done it that way. I regret that now. I regret not telling her how I feel. I regret not telling her I love her.
"Usagi-chan, Serenity, why did you have to be so unpredictable even to fate? My princess, you were to be my queen for another few centuries. But you have done what many have tried to do... Cheat Fate herself. And in doing so, you left behind so many in pieces. I know that is not what you planned on doing. You saw us in danger and acted. You acted because of your fear of being alone. Yet what about our fear of being alone? My greatest fear has always been losing you. And that has happened. How can I keep going? Yes, the Unshakable Pluto wants to die. All because you left us." I shake uncontrollable now, the moon brightens momentarily, probably due to the life upon it during this time.
"Usagi-chan, do you know what is even worse than your death? Knowing I can change it, yet dare not. I dare not change this new future because I do not know the consequences of changing it. How ironic. I control the Gates of Time, yet must not use it even to save the most important person in so many lives, in my life." Leaning on my staff, I let myself feel the pain, loneliness, grief, and hopelessness. The moon wavers through my tears.
"Usagi-chan, why didn't I tell you how much you are needed? Why didn't I tell you that you were important to this world, to me? Why couldn't I tell you before you left us? Why did I never say I love you? Now you are gone, and I never told you. You never knew. You will never know now." I whisper quietly as the sobs choke me.
"I knew, Setsuna-san." Looking up, hope starts to fill me.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I say, opening the Gate. Looking once over my shoulder, I realize this isn't the end. I will always feel the void where she once was, and the pain of her death. But I will see my Queen again. I'll see her when we join her. Until then, I will stand guard over the Gates of Time so that our past, present, and future are protected. For her.
~~~
AN: GAH! So not the best, but I tried!
Lovies!
Disclaimer: Sailormoon is not mine. I'm broke, don't sue!
By: Selenity Jade (Jadesama@aol.com)
Rating: PG13
'No!' I scream silently to myself, pacing in front of the Gate of Time, the only place I could be alone with my grief. Why didn't I see this coming? How could I have let this happen? I was never in denial about her death like the others were. I knew that this was an accident. An accident of fate, and even though I can open the gates of Time, I am powerless. For the first time, I am powerless. Collapsing onto the ground in the black void of time, I start to sob, thankful for the solitude during my grief. I don't want the others to see the Mistress of Time, the Mysterious Time Senshi, Sailor Pluto lose her composure. I don't want the others to see me, who has endured through thousands of years alone guarding the gate, cry. Who has endured the pain of the fall of the Silver Millennium. Who cannot endure the pain of losing her princess and future queen.
The temptation to go back in time to change it is unbearable. Not knowing the consequences of how her survival will affect time in the long run is the only reason I have not attempted it. But I want to. I want to change time like I have never wanted to do anything else. Just to have my queen back. To see her smile and laugh again. Yet knowing I cannot grieves me beyond description. It tears at my soul that I can change it, but I must not.
Getting control of myself, I open the time gate to the Silver Millennium on Earth. Looking over my prince's kingdom, the pain imbeds itself deeper. Closing the Gate, I walk on the Earth. Looking upon the Earth of so long ago, my vision wavers. The tears fall without warning as I fall to the ground. Screaming out in wordless agony, I throw myself upon the soft grass.
'I failed.' If only I had seen it coming somehow. She wasn't supposed to protect us there. She wasn't supposed to be hit by a blast that was meant for all of us. We were supposed to be hit, and she was supposed to use her crystal to heal us. How fate changes. I should have seen it! I continue to badger myself mercilessly.
I remember how much she brightened up my lonely existence my duty caused me, even during the Silver Millennium. I watched her, silently. I watched her grow up healthy and beautiful. I watched as she learned of her duty and the pain of her duty. I also watched her meet and care for the prince. I watched her bond with him grow into the strongest and deepest soul-bond I have ever known or heard of. Maybe I lived a little through her. I lived through her joys and her sorrows. I knew from early on she was worthy of the loyalty of the Outer and Inner Senshi. I knew she was special.
Watching her kill herself after Endymion fell protecting her was one of my most painful memories. Knowing this was apart of destiny and would lead to a better future never once comforted me. Seeing a woman so full of life and love reduced to suicide because her soul-bond was slain made my soul cry out. That such pain was necessary for a better future made me doubt my duty and myself. I wanted to save them both but I held fast. I went on because I knew the future.
This time, I do not know what is to come. I am blind to the future for the first time since I became the guardian of Time. That scares me. Shakes me deep within my soul. The only knowledge of this new future is that Venus will be Queen in Serenity's stead while Chibi-Usa grows. And Endymion will most likely not be in the future. The bond between them is too strong. He will be empty should he live. It is painful to know this, yet allow it to happen. But I must allow it. I must allow it to take its course because nothing I can say or anyone else can say will ever save him. It is up to him and their bond.
Knowing everything that will happen in the future, past and present lets out the joy in life. But when I was reborn on Earth with my princess, knowing that my duty was no longer solitary, I began to enjoy life. Even knowing things that happen. Now she is gone, and the joy I felt is gone. Sitting up slowly, sobs escaping me, I look up to the moon.
I regret not telling her that she meant that much to me. I was cold to her when we first met, and continued to be cold to her for quite some time. Yet, I only did that for her protection. I didn't want her to get too involved. I wanted to protect her, yet I probably shouldn't have done it that way. I regret that now. I regret not telling her how I feel. I regret not telling her I love her.
"Usagi-chan, Serenity, why did you have to be so unpredictable even to fate? My princess, you were to be my queen for another few centuries. But you have done what many have tried to do... Cheat Fate herself. And in doing so, you left behind so many in pieces. I know that is not what you planned on doing. You saw us in danger and acted. You acted because of your fear of being alone. Yet what about our fear of being alone? My greatest fear has always been losing you. And that has happened. How can I keep going? Yes, the Unshakable Pluto wants to die. All because you left us." I shake uncontrollable now, the moon brightens momentarily, probably due to the life upon it during this time.
"Usagi-chan, do you know what is even worse than your death? Knowing I can change it, yet dare not. I dare not change this new future because I do not know the consequences of changing it. How ironic. I control the Gates of Time, yet must not use it even to save the most important person in so many lives, in my life." Leaning on my staff, I let myself feel the pain, loneliness, grief, and hopelessness. The moon wavers through my tears.
"Usagi-chan, why didn't I tell you how much you are needed? Why didn't I tell you that you were important to this world, to me? Why couldn't I tell you before you left us? Why did I never say I love you? Now you are gone, and I never told you. You never knew. You will never know now." I whisper quietly as the sobs choke me.
"I knew, Setsuna-san." Looking up, hope starts to fill me.
"Thank you, Usagi-chan," I say, opening the Gate. Looking once over my shoulder, I realize this isn't the end. I will always feel the void where she once was, and the pain of her death. But I will see my Queen again. I'll see her when we join her. Until then, I will stand guard over the Gates of Time so that our past, present, and future are protected. For her.
~~~
AN: GAH! So not the best, but I tried!
Lovies!