A L o s t a n d A i l i n g H e a r t . u n b a l a n c e d

Disclaimer: Nope, the lovely X and TB boys and girls! do not belong to me, but to dear CLAMP.

Warnings: FxS and a little FxK. crosses that part outI don't really have the space to put that in this chapter... FxS is hinted at a little in the end, but that's it.

MAYBE a little SxK, of the "I have a crush on you Subaru but you won't move on/you move on to MY..." Okay, enough of that. Oh, and SPOILERS from X/16 and beyond!

Notes: Wow, counting the words in my last two chapters... 544 and 541. I promise this one will be longer, because this is when it all gets interesting I hope I think I was on crack when I wrote the last two things anyway. Hope this one's better. It's come to the point where it's not just a POV fic anymore. This is a pretty long chapter compared to the other rather pathetic ones.

edit Okay, halfway through I realized I wanted to put a totally freakish spin and do some spur-of-the-moment pairings and insane cruel things to Subaru-kun, so bear with me here.

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My Wish.

Never. Never ever, never again, never once, never at all, can it be fulfilled. No chance, a single chance no more. It all came to an end, and afterwards, after a short discussion with Ten no Ryuu's Kamui... I fled. Left, to go somewhere, somewhere else, anywhere else, anywhere but there, but Tokyo, because there is nothing, nothing there, but sorrow. And even though I told myself I could no longer feel that feeling, that emotion... "sadness"... I can still feel... pain. A lingering pain I think I must bear with for the rest of my life, since that loss, those losses, the damage, it is permanent, never ending, and never beginning. A kind of pain that I not only feel so deeply emotionally, and so agonizingly physically, but...

Mentally.

For I am unbalanced now, my mind is not the way it used to be. I no longer think straight, and I find I can rarely commit myself to the act of consuming food. There is little pleasure or meaning in sleeping, but there is just as little in staying awake. Most of the time spent in "reality" is spent on pondering the meaning of said activities (sleeping and staying awake).

Living.

Is there really any point, any value, any worth, in just living, day by day, a wasted existence? So often I tell myself that my new Wish shall be to die, so that the Kamui of the Chi no Ryuu can fulfill it. But something tugs at my heart and screams no, and although I fight it, it always overcomes me, forcing me to stay alive, to keep on living, existing, in this world.

Dead.

For although one of the Chi no Ryuu has... gone... one of the Ten no Ryuu has died also, died in his heart, and that Ryuu is me. Me... "Sumeragi Subaru", although the name no longer seems like my identity, or something that truly defines "me". But I no longer have the will, the need, to construct a kekkai anymore. There is nothing left in this cold, harsh dimension to protect. My only love... and my sister. Both... will never, shall never return to this world.

Identity.

Nothing I do anymore seems real. Nothing I "am" anymore seems real. My face, my physical appearance, the whole structure of my body. My voice, my sounds, my words, my handwriting. Sometimes I would just stare at the long, slender mirror in front of my closet that my sister left me and force my muscles to smile. It hurt, seeing such a melancholy face demand itself to look... happy.

Mirror.

Immediately after Hokuto's death, I couldn't bear to look in any mirrors, to see me, and my reflection, my mirror image, the face of not just me but my sister, my dead sister. Back then I think I could still feel sorrow, but eventually I tired of the prospect of sadness and began to wither away, and think of nothing, anything other than...

"Subaru," Fuuma muttered softly, atop a roof looking down on the depressed figure below. The man beneath Fuuma sighed deeply, and inhaled the slight scent of the sakura tree. He walked slowly toward the tree and caressed it gently, looking downcast yet seemingly content. He was wearing all black, including his trench coat, and he had begun grown out his hair, too bothered to keep on cutting it in the aftermath of Seishirou's death.

I've reverted back to my sixteen-year-old self, except without Hokuto's outfits, Subaru reflected, not amused. Fuuma, however, gave a hollow laugh and swooped down, landing on the ground with a faint thud, in his hands an small yet elaborate jar.

"Subaru-kun," he said silkily, addressing the other. There was a hint of a glare in Subaru's eyes, but Fuuma chose to overlook it and instead smiled contently. "Would you like to know... what Seishirou's wish was?" he hissed smoothly, smirking at Subaru's expression.

"..." was the reply.

"But, dear Seishirou-san's wish... had something pertaining to you, my dear Subaru-kun..." Fuuma continued, the twisted smile lingering on his face. With each word, he seemed to have been stroking the jar with his fingers in odd amusement.

Subaru's eyes widened in alarm. "...If you must," he whispered finally in response, coughing slightly.

"Seishirou's wish... was that the damage in your right eye... would be undone." Fuuma smiled, loosening his grip on the jar. "His... good eye. The left one... here," he hissed, slowly handing Subaru the jar with a grin. Before Subaru could take it from him, however, Fuuma recoiled and warned almost playfully, "But you know... if you take this... you will replace Seishirou as the Sakurazukamori... and Chi no Ryuu."

Subaru stared at the jar, and then at Fuuma, for several moments. The slightest hint of a sad smile played at his lips as he grabbed the jar from the other man and held it close to his heart, the wind softly blowing on him as Fuuma smirked at him and leapt up and left to grant... another Wish.

His eye.

My eye.

My eyes.

One is now a rich gold color; the other a brilliant emerald green. The gold right one is of a deep shade, a tint on the fine line between gold and amber. The other, my original one, my good one, my left one... it can never be as magnificent as the other.

After the operation, in which I had been unconscious for the majority of, I ran into Kamui... of the Ten no Ryuu. He seemed surprised to see me, and even more shocked to see that I had two working eyes, and one was Seishirou's old one, the magnificent gold.

"S-Subaru-san," Kamui stammered, staring at my eyes almost in panic. "Wh-what happened? You-- you have his eye... Seishirou's... but how?"

I smiled at Kamui's bewilderment. "Ka-- Fuuma, do you call him? Fuuma. He told me Seishirou's wish was to have the damage in my eye undone, so he-- Fuuma-- retrieved his eye for me and promptly delivered it to me when I was visiting Seishirou's old home." I looked content, savoring the fact that I had full eyesight in both my eyes, and that one of those eyes once belonged to him.

Kamui still looked astonished and almost alarmed. Still stunned, he replied, "Oh, r-right... Fuuma... yes... that must be wonderful, to have his eye... I-Isn't it?"

Amused at Kamui's behavior, I nodded, beaming slightly. "Yes, it's... nice, to have something that was one Seishirou-san's..." I trailed off, looking a bit disoriented. Kamui took it as a cue that I either needed time alone or that it would just be best to run away from me and muttered a farewell and left.

"Goodbye... Kamui."

For I had not forgotten that since I took Seishirou's eye, I had become a Chi no Ryuu... which meant I was now an enemy of those who had once been my comrades. I shrugged indifferently. I had not grown to love them at all, and even though I was not quite as ruthless as the rest of the Chi no Ryuu, I would begin to learn no matter what, for the sake of Seishirou.

"So... you've taken the Sakurazukamori's place..." Kanoe mused, looking me up and down. "Not bad, but as a former Ten no Ryuu..." She smiled in an eerily polite way and motioned towards a dazed figure sitting daintily in a chair with wires connected onto his body. Looking closer I realized the figure was comatose, and frowned in concern. Abruptly, I was pulled into a dream.

"So... you are... Sumeragi Hokuto's twin brother. The one she died for," the man muttered faintly.

The dreamscape was that of one of Hokuto's old favorite beaches. "Yes, yes I am. S-Sumeragi Subaru... and you?" I asked curiously, wondering how in the world Hokuto had become acquainted with such a character.

"I am... Kuzuki Kakyou. Kakyou..." he paused, exhaling sharply. "A yumemi... a dreamseer. Your sister, she used to visit me in my dreams, and we would go on... 'dates'." Kakyou reddened at his own statement, blushing.

I sighed in relief. I had formed crazy, maniacal ideas about how Hokuto-chan met this yumemi. Grinning slightly and in a fairly better mood than before because of Seishirou's eye, I replied, "Are you the one... because she used to go off at random times and say she had dates. Was that with you? Did my sister love you?"

Kakyou looked surprised and sorrowful at my last question. "Yes, it was I who she would frequently meet. But, for the question of whether she loved me or not... I do not know. I cannot make an assumption, as she is now... gone." He sighed, and a gap of silence bridged his last words with his new. "Just like you wonder if... that... Seishirou... if what he said before he died, was it the truth from his last, desperate moments, or folly made up on the spot to spite you for the rest of your life?" Melancholically, he smiled. "Do not dwell on that. You may now, but eventually you will move on, just as I did, and stop wondering about the truths of the dead and look into the future for the true answer."

I looked a bit astonished from what he'd said, but before I could answer, he pulled me out of his dream and back to reality. I winced, for I had fell on the floor with a low thump.

I looked around the basement. It was rather cold, and my eyes lingered on a vast machine labeled Beast. As I stared, a girl jumped down from the machine, walked toward me, and offered her hand to shake, the other hand clutching a piece of paper. "I am... Yatouji Satsuki. Sumeragi Subaru?" she said questioningly.

Shaking her hand, I nodded, a bit overwhelmed. "How do you... know my name?"

Satsuki smiled almost patronizingly to me, as if I were but a naive preadolescent asking where babies came from. "My computer... the Beast... confirmed that you belonged to that name. It is your name, is it not?" she asked condescendingly.

"Y-yes, yes it is," I replied frantically, apprehensive of the obvious fact that I was looking very stupid, for lack of a better word.

"Well, then everything is satisfactory." She studied the report in her other hand, amused. "You are the 13th head of the Sumeragi, correct?" She didn't wait for a response and continued, "Yet the Sumeragi are the sole enemy of the Sakurazukamori. Yet by killing Sakurazuka Seishirou, and using his eye to repair your own eyesight, you are also becoming the Sakurazukamori, your own enemy." I hadn't thought of that. She smirked. "You didn't think of the sheer, blatant irony of that before, did you?"

Feeling rather idiotic, I shook my head, my face flushing crimson.

"Of course," Satsuki replied smoothly and smugly, returning to the interior of her Beast and leaving me dumbfounded below. There were others gathered, scattered in chairs and various furniture. An expressionless person made his way towards me. On his forehead were diamond-shaped symbols, arranged in an odd manner.

"Nataku..." he muttered emotionlessly, offering no handshake or friendly gesture. He just seemed to stare at me, perplexed, in mild curiosity if not blatant interest. Unsure of what to do, I nodded awkwardly in return, feeling slightly uncomfortable amidst everyone else, who already seemed to be close friends, or at least well acquainted. I moved on to the next person, another man, and even larger than Chi no Ryuu's Kamui.

"Shiyuu Kusanagi." The massive figure shook my hand heartily but said no more. I looked a bit sheepish and bowed, unsure of what else to do. I began to do what I did at age sixteen; sweat a bit, blush a bit, get embarrassed a lot. It was a bit ridiculous, to say the least.

"Oh, you must be the new person! Kigai Yuuto, nice to meet you." A cheerful man appeared before me, smiling and looking pleased. He had light-colored hair and resembled the type of person who would be a weatherman or something ludicrous like that. A few sweatdrops appeared on my forehead as I introduced myself, rubbing my eyes wearily.

It had been a while since I talked, communicated with anyone other than myself and my own mirror image, and I found that it began to tire me after a while, since I was no longer accustomed to regular discourse. Feeling myself begin to collapse from exhaustion and lack of sleep, I sighed, starting to topple over. Someone caught me. My eyes refused to open, although my mind carelessly tugged at them, trying to make them expose my eyes to who had been cradling me. The feeling of being held by this person... it seemed familiar. Had he held me before? I breathed in, catching a sweet, comforting scent. Satisfied, I allowed myself to enter the man's embrace. It was alright, for I knew this had happened before...

Fuuma smiled darkly with Subaru in his arms. He had had a feeling that Subaru's wish would change, although he had no idea it would be so abrupt, so rapid. Perhaps Subaru had learned something from his sister's death, maybe he had finally acquired the ability to move on quickly from a loved one's death. Even so, he'd expected more protest from the boy. But all was well. Maybe Subaru would be of some use to him, maybe Subaru could aid him in fulfilling the Earth's Wish, the Earth's greatest desire. As the others watched him in awe and astonishment, Fuuma took the once-again-gloved hand of the boy and held it in his own hand. It was probably just his uncanny likeness to the boy's former love.

"Sweet dreams... Subaru-kun," he whispered under his breath.

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Ending Notes: Yes, this is where it all gets sticky and confused and messed up, and, oh, did I mention interesting? Subaru mistaking, er, "thinking" that Fuuma is Seishirou... Ohohohohohohohohoho! How exactly is Fuuma going to use Subaru? Will Kamui be jealous of Subaru-san for getting Fuuma's affections? Has Subaru completely forgotten about Seishirou? Does Subaru have a new Wish that has something to do with Fuuma? Will I ever finish my Spanish homework at this rate? Find out the answers to all these questions except for the last one sweatdrop in the next chapter!