Lard Nar had a mirthful expression upon his face and ran into the building and up the stairway, screaming and hollering for the gratifying heavenly hour he was soon to face. He had forgotten about Operation Impending Doom II, but his baggage was still stuck tightly in his small, three-fingered fist. He stopped his skipping for joy at a sliding door labeled #474, on the sixth floor of the ever-so-famous Lances Building. The tall door automatically opens and he enters The Sacred Chamber.
The Vortian gasps at the sight and his tiny eyes widen. "Holy cow!!"
The room was very vivid and looked like a complacent place, unlike most parts of Vort . Enchanted music played soothingly in the background and a cool, 70 degree feel was in the presence there for an eternity. The floor and the walls felt like fluffy clouds in the Earthen sky, while the ceiling was actually glass reflecting a beautiful underwater scene from the seas of Planet Locusta. Oh yeah, and The Couch stood in the middle of the room, blending right in with the environment present.
But a familiar shadowed figure sat up on The Couch already, examining it with geometric tools and x-ray machinery. "You! I don't mean to be rude, but I'm Lard Nar," He began gallantly to the inferior being, "and it's MY turn to sit on that couch. So leave this place immediately before the I call the guards!!!"
"I don't know whatcha talking about there, mate, because I'M Lard Nar!!" The stranger shouted, with a much high-pitched voice than the real Lard Nar. "Get lost, because I rule The Couch now!! MUHAHAHAHA--uh, I mean, scram, nit wit!"
The stranger threw away his equipment and stood up on the piece of furniture, revealing a Vortian looking exactly Lard Nar. The confused Lard Nar had a bad feeling about this, but he sure did a nice job with the costime and the shiny-skin effects, he commented in his thick brain.
The new Lard Nar waits for the other to leave, but he does not move a muscle. "I said, SCRAM!!! Or else you'll end up like the governors, frozen timed set for eighty years! Wouldn't that be nice? Because it looks like this good quality piece of trash has been on your mind for a very long time, one of your life's greatest goals, perhaps?"
"Wait, why did you just called something you call good quality, but also call it trash at the same time?"
"Does this have to do with anything you were thinking about?"
"No, I was just a little curious is all. Hmmmmmm....." His head nodded several times, and mumbled to himself, "Using oxymoron terms in a threat, where have I heard that fact before....?"
"............." The other Lard Nar lifts one of his Vortian eyes upward, high up in that forehead of his!
"Mmmmhmmm......."
"............"
"Mmmmmmm.........."
The Stranger looks at an imaginary watch and grunts like a boar. "Well, hurry up already! I don't care if it's a stupid threat or anything, but for God's sake, say something already or I'll knock you out!!!"
The stranger ridiculously throws one of his rulers aiming at Lard Nar's head, but flies out of the window instead.
"You can threaten me some more if you like, I just want a little more time to think about this whole puzzling situation."
"You know, you're very kind, especially to me."
"You too." Lard Nar gave out a sly grin. NO, he's not turning gay, that'll just be a weird turn in this story, especially for Hermly.....And so the other Lard Nar stood up even more, trying to look taller than skyscrapers.
"Look, I'm the new Lard Nar, and while you ran off to Devastus, I came by and changed things around here! I can got your old job designing devices and such, but right after the first week of working, I got a double-promotion! HA! I'm cool, I'm popular, I don't wear goggles, I'm intelligent, the ladies go for me and best of all, I'm no nit wit!
"Everybody loves me now! They can't resist fainting on the floor when I walk by, and I'm not a crazy, paranoid nut case who goes off saying, 'The Irkens have invaded! Quick, kill them all off before they conquer us all!' He laughed one his evil laughs again, spitting at the other Lard Nar's face.
"Nit wit you are! The old you doesn't belong here! But the new one, I, is now available for stay, and I shall live in this dump until you all will bow down to me and the Armada behind me! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! *cough, hack* Uh, scratch that last part."
".....It's obvious, you're the Irken invader assigned to conquer my home planet, but you knew a lot about it already, from collecting my life data ever since you first saw me in that biosphere on Devastus, and somehow by bribery and height growth, the new Almighty Tallests picked you to invade Vort.
The Vortian standing on the couch sunk a bit lower, awed by the other's keen intelligence.
"And so you disguised myself as me, but changed my personality entirely so that the Vortians think you're supreme and trust worthy. And now, you forced the governors to let 'me' sit on The Couch, so that you can steal it and examine it to find out the materials used to create it and what our true weakness is. Did I miss anything? Please let me know if I did."
He checked his finger tips afterward, waiting for an answer as the stammering one tried to snap back at him, but his fuming anger faded his holographic-Vortian disguise away, revealing another well-known but not charming Irken by the name of Larb. Secret. Agent---No, Invader Larb!!!
"I hate you! You scoundrel! You smart, son of a bitch!! UGHHH!!!! Well, I would say more, but I've just learned that it's been over and hour now. And you know what that means!"
Larb jumps off The Couch and pushes Lard Nar hard, right out of the window. Lard Nar screams for only a mere 5 seconds, knowing that he land in that garbage can again, right on it's cleaning shaving time. The last thing Lard Nar could hear before he blackened out was the laugh of Larb, an Irken, which uses oxymoron s in parts of a threat.
~ MINUTES LATER ~
Lard Nar pulls his head out of the fresh clean can, this time with no blood. "Ughhh.....my head!!"
He turns around and sees a huge angry mob of Vortians with guns, fire torches, nailed boards, you know, the works. They all give him a hideous more-angry-than-ever look. Lard Nar was used to these kind of things by now.
One of them spots him and points a torch at his location. "It's him! The couch stealer couch potato!"
"Blast him! He's at the traschcan!!!"
Lard Nar ran back to the Lances Building and locked all the doors in just seconds, fearing for his life, though he was used to that feeling. And now that the mob just noticed, charged at all the doors to the Building and started to set it on fire. Lard Nar, tired from all the running, walked back to room #474. But before the slide door opened, a hot, brown liquid was splashed right on his face.
"AHH! It burns! And what the heck were you---Shloonktapooxis?!? What are you doing here? And since when did you work for Irken invaders?"
Shloonktapooxis was there all right, but this time he was eating cookies., he's high on coffee!
"Hiya! I'd knew I'll see ya again! Want some coffee!?! It's the best thing ever! Even better than nacho cheese!"
A random cup of coffee floats in front of Shloonktapooxis, and pours down the coffee into Shloonktapooxis' mouth, and magically refills itself up.
"Well, you probably don't know about the Irken invader situation I've just gone through, so would you want to join me and my group, again?
Shloonktapooxis stuffs his mouth with sugar: "What? Oh yeah, sure I would eat 2 whole boxes of cookie dough in just one minute! And who else are you inviting to this 'party' I've heard much about?"
" *sigh* Look, the only other member helping me out is that creepy android brain, and I'll give you those cheese puffs I still have if you'd help me defeat the Irkens, okay?"
"Mmmmffffmmm!!" Nodded the cone friend. They both go into that magical chamber again, still the same, except The Couch is gone.
"Great! He took it! And will probably frame me for it! But how can he possibly lift that couch out of this room and far off somewhere in just 5 minutes?"
Shloonktapooxis turns around towards the door and was surprised to see what he'd seen "Hey! Are these the other party-goers? They sure look mad! Let's ditch 'm, man!" The mob was right behind them, about to shoot them down, but luckily Shloonktapooxis thought of this as a game and lifted Lard Nar and flew out of the window.
The mob tries to grab them, but even the leader's arms couldn't reach out the window. "No!!! They escaped with us stranded in this burning place! And I'm getting hot, anyone got a mini-fan?"
"Dammit, we should really keep that darn window locked shut, you know?"
Shloonktapooxis was happy about winning the 'game', and followed Lard Nar's orders to fly him through the window of another familiar building, room #4444. And so be it, The Couch was sitting there, in Lard Nar's old Dormitory bedroom, with Larb lying comfortably on its cushions.
"You know, causing all this chaos on Vort and blaming for it all will get you executed." Lard Nar threatened to Larb.
"Whow! Talk about electricity going through your veins, man!"
Larb gets up from the bed, standing up to be taller than anyone else, as usual. "Don't be a nit wit, Lard Nar, because you and I know that we may be allies when it comes to technology needs, but Vortians can be easily fooled into helping us conquer the Universe for shall we say, a bag of jellybeans?"
Lard Nar felt the weaker one now, hearing things that sound awfully familiar to him. Shloonktapooxis had gotten sad. He had lost all his coffee.
"And not to mention that no one will ever believe that my people would come and destroy your people, after all we've done for you? I already have my plan for a successful conquest and victory anyways. It may take several months for it to be put into action, but I'll be here, the whole planet in flames laughing and mocking at you, as you watch my special video recording! There's no way to stop me now, and besides, that sidekick of yours is pathetic!"
Shloonktapooxis slurps up a jar of nacho cheese.," HEY! This is the good flavored nacho cheese, you know???"
"But I'll form a group, no, an army, faster than you can say 'Victory!' and I'll make sure the first Irken they'll attack to death will be you! And that, will be before my people will have to bow down to barbarians such as yourselves! What do you have to say about that?"
"Tisk, tisk. Don't you remember? Right before you got fired, did you or did you not complete the final designs for the very ship that will attack all the civilizations in the Universe, and will guarantee Irken supreme rule for every species that exists today?
Lard Nar felt sick inside of himself now and bowed his head in shame. ".....Yes,"
"HA! YOU ADMIT IT!" He chuckled at his win of the game and pointed at Lard Nar with one of his gloved-claws. "You can't stop us now, Lard Nar! Surrender or you'll just have to suffer great pain! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"
Shloonktapooxis didn't really pay any attention to all of this, but got the idea and kicked Larb on his right leg.
"OW! Fucking cone, you are!!" Ow..."
Lard Nar coughed, continuing his say in all of this. "Yes, but I'll run off now, not to be a coward, but to form an army of everyone in the Universe against you rampant little green ants! You may not realize how many that'll be, but I guarantee to make you guys run for your lives and show me the white flag! Come on Shloonktapooxis, There is no time to waste in this hell hole."
Shloonktapooxis lifted Lard Nar and were both out of that room in an instant, leaving a confused, yet non-believing Irken behind.
And so Lard Nar and Shloonktapooxis went off to drag Hermly away from the shower, and all went down to #777's garage and launched themselves off to space in their new Vortian ship. They first went to Planet Ferramentum to gather more of those triangular androids to have more members of the crew. And now taking upon destiny according to The Irken Conquest List, first landed on Planet Blorch.
"Here we are! On the deserted planet!"
"Deserted? There's gotta be some civilization down there. Computer! Land the ship!"
Hermly poked repeatedly on Lard Nar's head, "Why can't I be the ship's computer? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?!?"
Lard Nar ignores him, glancing through a window at a yes, a deserted planet! The ship lands in the middle of a dark forest. When everyone gets out of the ship, things are quiet. Too quiet. No crickets here at all.
"Hello? HELLO!!! Hmmm, where is everybody? I thought this planet was one of the most crowded in the galaxy!"
The Triangular Robot observed the place with his extended eyeballs, scanning geological stuff."Maybe there at some sort of festival or something?"
"Festival? FESTIVAL?!? If there was any festival going on now, I would've been there drinking all the pop by now!!"
Lard Nar scrolls down TICL and presses the name 'Blorch' on it. Another screen appears, filled with data on the planet.
Lard Nar reads aloud what the info, but gets another 'feeling', "Wait a minute, this planet sounds familiar, I remember being warned once when I was young, not even daring myself to enter this planet, I think this is the home of...."
Four huge, hungry looking rodents jump right behind them. They all turn around at once.
"....Slautering rat people?!?"
The four hideous rats roared loudly and their prey screamed and ran for their lives.
"To the ship! TO THE SHIP!!!!!"
"AHHH! We're gonna die, aren't we? I don't even taste that good any how!
Hermly wraps himself around Lard Nar's neck, practically choking him. "If we all die and be eaten Lard Nar, can I hug you throughout the digestion? PLEASE!?"
He didn't even bothered to answer and turned around to see the hungry monsters close behind them, drooling insanely. "Computer! Tele-port us into main control room!"
A light green beam shot out of the ship and swallowed up the clan, and were all safely locked up in the ship. They started it immediately and it went up to the black sky. The rats got mad and stomped on each other's feet stupidly.
"Ya know, whoever has to invade that planet must be some kind of a stupid or short moron!"
"Well, even if the Irkens took over it, I'd not want to free those....creatures! I hope that invader has been chewed up already....."
Back onto Blorch's surface, Invader Skoodge sees the ship flying away and runs after it.
"NOO! NOOO! Wait! Don't leave me here with them! I just know they'll attack me at any minute.... I have burgers on the grill!!! Please come back! Please!!!!!" The poor guy didn't have a chance to get a rescue.
He stoped for a moment to hear the sounds of intense drooling and hunger rising in from four huge rats right behind him. The shadows lured Skoodge and Skoodge shrieks. They attack him to death, but luckily he survived, with a third of his flesh torn off and most of his skeleton broken into pieces.
After that crazy adventure, the rebellious organization grew as they landed on more planets mentioned on TICL, but trying not to get any Irkens involved in the secret business. In each planet, they would either transmit text messages to all the personal home computers on that planet, or stand on a cardboard box and pass out invites to anyone, and not to mention scream out "RESIST, MAAAAN!!!!!!" like fools.
After 18 months of doing this sort of thing, Lard Nar had successfully had a total of around 20 members. Himself, Shloonktapooxis, Hermly, two triangular robots, two big-headed ship drivers, an insectoid female, a three-headed guy, a blob female who vomits constantly, five or six of short fat guys with tiny arms, amn alien who had no head but just a brain, a taller insectoid-looking one and a mysterious member hiding in the shadows. And on one random day, they ran out of fuel for the ship and stopped at the nearby intergalactic gas station in the Cadbury Galaxy....
Lard Nar jumped out of the ship and commanded to the others, "You guys guard the ship while I pay for the fuel refill, but please don't even think of buying yourselves...."
Shloonktapooxis flies up in the air and gasps a big gasp. "They have a snack store! Complete with candy, chips, soda, nachos, cheese, sugar, and...microwave burritos! WOOO!! To the snackies!!"
They all roared, cheered and followed Shloonktapooxis Except Lard Nar and Hermly, who stood there staring at the insane cluster. Lard Nar slaps himself in the face again, he's quite used to this by now, and he even felt a permanent mark coming...
"Turn on the my computer while I'm gone, okay? And please don't stalk me up again!"
Hermly obeys him and Lard Nar walks out of the ship through a huge sliding door, and sees a worker in fuel-black overalls pass by.
Lard Nar comes up to a very tall worker a bit filthy looking, though. He had on a huge smile on his face and multiple arms to push others around with. "Excuse me! Regular Medium-Large ship fuel refill, please?"
"Sure I will!" He replied as if this was his first customer in weeks. But you don't have to pay, I just got fired! Ha ha! I didn't see that one coming!"
Lard Nar felt he'll blend right in with his clan, but even though that would be a bad thing, he was still desperate for comrades.
"I'll pay anyhow, and since you don't have a job, would you like to join a rebellious group willing to bring the Irken Empire to its death fall? I'm Lard Nar, the leader and Captain of the ship."
"Wow! I'll join ya! My name is Spleenk, some guy who justcame up with a bunch of cool ideas!"
"That'll be great!" Lard Nar said, how dumbfounded was he then to go for that? "We will start planning our first attack soon, so you can meet the other members at the sugary aisle. Here's the cash."
Lard Nar gave Spleenk some gold and copper (the common use of money in that galaxy) and went back to the ship and started to research information on the glowing laptop, with Hermly standing by his side.
"OH!!! Your smiling that smile that makes your teeth sparkle!" Hermly exclaimed, his one robot-ic eye extended its size by an inch. "And that's so my favorite look on your face! Tell me, what are you so cheery about? And are you so happy that you are willing to sleep with me tonight?"
"We have a new member, Spleenk, and he's willing to help us out on our first attack of resistance, even though he may be a little stupid like everybody else. And why the heck would I sleep with you!? We had a restraining order on that kind of thing, you know!"
"We do? No we don't.", doubting the truth, and adding a little comment to his 'Special Friend', "Why, I can never imagine having ANY restraining orders with you, Lardus Narusssss!!"
His 'Special Friend' grudged at the attempt of using made-up Latin to seduce him. But the Vortian looked thorugh his window of files and a name caught his eye. "What's this? A file named, 'Private Photos'? I didn't take any pictures on this computer, so it must have been from somebody else...OH! I bet these are the satellite/spy camera photos that I found of private meetings the new Tallests had last week!"
"Uh..... I don't think you should open that, it's probably junk mail anyway...."
"Junk mail?" He doubted, surprised to see Hermly act so bored and careless all of the sudden "Least likely! Maybe it's those pictures of the Irken Armada plans I've been searching for! Or their ways of attacking the victim planets!"
"Just delete this thing, master...I mean, heh, heh, I'm sure it's not THAT important...." Lard Nar didn't even notice the nervous tone in the computer's advice. Anxious to know the secret of the file, he says, "I'm gonna download this file to the Ship's Main Screen!" A huge screen covering up the whole glass view of the outside pops up with the unknown file standing in place.
Hermly's one eye expands a little more now, but not for the amazement of Lard Nar's denture status. "Don't open this file Lard Nar, please! Or I'll....I'll....do something to make you unhappy even though I wouldn't want to do it at all! So there! Delete it already!"
"Aw, come on! You have nothing to do with my laptop yet except you just turned it on, and that time you sprayed Vortian deodorant all over it. It wasn't even mine, damn it!"
Hermly tries to think of a come back, nothing except a "Uhhhh.....NO! NO! NO!NO! Don't open it, or else! I can start a chant you know!"
All the other snack eating members come into the ship (including Spleenk) and watch the argument go on.
"What's that going to do?!? It's just a file with photos in it! And besides, these pictures can change the whole entire organization itself! It might give us the key to defeat them, or something. Here I go!"
"ACK! EEK!" The robot shrieks, knowing what will happen next, and hides under a control table. Lard Nar opens the file up and in an instant huge photos pop up of Lard Nar, but in a very disturbing way. So disturbing that even I slap myself for thinking of such a thing. So I'm not gonna tell y'all anything, 'cause this story is rated PG-13!! So there, hmmph. Lard Nar screams in shock, and the snack-eaters shield their eyes and run for it.
"ACK!!! HERMLY!!!!" Anger management problems from the Vortian fume up right through his skull. "We've talked about not ever doing this kind of thing to me!!!!! What the hell were you thinking?!?! And right in front of the whole gang, too! And why did you put it up on my laptop, I would've seen them either way!!!?"
"Oh, oh, oh, oh......I'm so very sorry...But you look so damn HOT in those pictures!" Even Hermly couldn't resist be serious when his 'Special Friend' was about to chop him into pieces. He even purrs and rubs on Lard Nar's side like a cat. Lard Nar is ticked off, embarrassed and yet quite disturbed about all of this. He just hopes no one will ever remember this day.
"Grrrrr... Out!! Out! Out! OUUUUT!! I knew I couldn't trust you! Even if you did spared my whole brain!!"
"I wish I didn't, though.....That would've been so---"
"OUT!! OUT!!! I don't want to ever see, hear or feel the presence of you ever again!!!!"
Hermly flied off the ship with his dragonfly wings sadly out of the ship. No fighting back, no seduction, just a moment of silence as Lard Nar calmed down slowly. He slaped himself in the face again and deletes the file, along with other disturbing files that Hermly has kept on the computer for the past fewmonths. An hour afterward, Lard Nar is at peace, and gathers his most fullest group around for a meeting (the main computer is flying the ship).
"Attention, people! We need a way to make our introduction attack to the Irkens! I, surprisingly, don't have any clue on how we're going to do it. So....Any suggestions?"
Crickets chirp, even though they aren't any anywhere near the galaxy.
"............" (Lard Nar)
".........." (Shloonktapooxis)
"...* puke *...." (female blob)
"............." (Triangular Robot)
Spleenk now has his chance of doing his first effort into the rebellious cluster. "OH!! I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW! I GOT THE MOST INGENIOUS PLAN EVER!!!!"
Lard Nar was glad to hear from the new guy, "Yes, let's listen to it, then!" But then realized the obvious.
Lard Nar slapped himself anew, but this time so much blood has bleed off his head, and his face has been bruised so much, that he collapses on to the floor, unconscious.
The Vortian gasps at the sight and his tiny eyes widen. "Holy cow!!"
The room was very vivid and looked like a complacent place, unlike most parts of Vort . Enchanted music played soothingly in the background and a cool, 70 degree feel was in the presence there for an eternity. The floor and the walls felt like fluffy clouds in the Earthen sky, while the ceiling was actually glass reflecting a beautiful underwater scene from the seas of Planet Locusta. Oh yeah, and The Couch stood in the middle of the room, blending right in with the environment present.
But a familiar shadowed figure sat up on The Couch already, examining it with geometric tools and x-ray machinery. "You! I don't mean to be rude, but I'm Lard Nar," He began gallantly to the inferior being, "and it's MY turn to sit on that couch. So leave this place immediately before the I call the guards!!!"
"I don't know whatcha talking about there, mate, because I'M Lard Nar!!" The stranger shouted, with a much high-pitched voice than the real Lard Nar. "Get lost, because I rule The Couch now!! MUHAHAHAHA--uh, I mean, scram, nit wit!"
The stranger threw away his equipment and stood up on the piece of furniture, revealing a Vortian looking exactly Lard Nar. The confused Lard Nar had a bad feeling about this, but he sure did a nice job with the costime and the shiny-skin effects, he commented in his thick brain.
The new Lard Nar waits for the other to leave, but he does not move a muscle. "I said, SCRAM!!! Or else you'll end up like the governors, frozen timed set for eighty years! Wouldn't that be nice? Because it looks like this good quality piece of trash has been on your mind for a very long time, one of your life's greatest goals, perhaps?"
"Wait, why did you just called something you call good quality, but also call it trash at the same time?"
"Does this have to do with anything you were thinking about?"
"No, I was just a little curious is all. Hmmmmmm....." His head nodded several times, and mumbled to himself, "Using oxymoron terms in a threat, where have I heard that fact before....?"
"............." The other Lard Nar lifts one of his Vortian eyes upward, high up in that forehead of his!
"Mmmmhmmm......."
"............"
"Mmmmmmm.........."
The Stranger looks at an imaginary watch and grunts like a boar. "Well, hurry up already! I don't care if it's a stupid threat or anything, but for God's sake, say something already or I'll knock you out!!!"
The stranger ridiculously throws one of his rulers aiming at Lard Nar's head, but flies out of the window instead.
"You can threaten me some more if you like, I just want a little more time to think about this whole puzzling situation."
"You know, you're very kind, especially to me."
"You too." Lard Nar gave out a sly grin. NO, he's not turning gay, that'll just be a weird turn in this story, especially for Hermly.....And so the other Lard Nar stood up even more, trying to look taller than skyscrapers.
"Look, I'm the new Lard Nar, and while you ran off to Devastus, I came by and changed things around here! I can got your old job designing devices and such, but right after the first week of working, I got a double-promotion! HA! I'm cool, I'm popular, I don't wear goggles, I'm intelligent, the ladies go for me and best of all, I'm no nit wit!
"Everybody loves me now! They can't resist fainting on the floor when I walk by, and I'm not a crazy, paranoid nut case who goes off saying, 'The Irkens have invaded! Quick, kill them all off before they conquer us all!' He laughed one his evil laughs again, spitting at the other Lard Nar's face.
"Nit wit you are! The old you doesn't belong here! But the new one, I, is now available for stay, and I shall live in this dump until you all will bow down to me and the Armada behind me! MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!! *cough, hack* Uh, scratch that last part."
".....It's obvious, you're the Irken invader assigned to conquer my home planet, but you knew a lot about it already, from collecting my life data ever since you first saw me in that biosphere on Devastus, and somehow by bribery and height growth, the new Almighty Tallests picked you to invade Vort.
The Vortian standing on the couch sunk a bit lower, awed by the other's keen intelligence.
"And so you disguised myself as me, but changed my personality entirely so that the Vortians think you're supreme and trust worthy. And now, you forced the governors to let 'me' sit on The Couch, so that you can steal it and examine it to find out the materials used to create it and what our true weakness is. Did I miss anything? Please let me know if I did."
He checked his finger tips afterward, waiting for an answer as the stammering one tried to snap back at him, but his fuming anger faded his holographic-Vortian disguise away, revealing another well-known but not charming Irken by the name of Larb. Secret. Agent---No, Invader Larb!!!
"I hate you! You scoundrel! You smart, son of a bitch!! UGHHH!!!! Well, I would say more, but I've just learned that it's been over and hour now. And you know what that means!"
Larb jumps off The Couch and pushes Lard Nar hard, right out of the window. Lard Nar screams for only a mere 5 seconds, knowing that he land in that garbage can again, right on it's cleaning shaving time. The last thing Lard Nar could hear before he blackened out was the laugh of Larb, an Irken, which uses oxymoron s in parts of a threat.
~ MINUTES LATER ~
Lard Nar pulls his head out of the fresh clean can, this time with no blood. "Ughhh.....my head!!"
He turns around and sees a huge angry mob of Vortians with guns, fire torches, nailed boards, you know, the works. They all give him a hideous more-angry-than-ever look. Lard Nar was used to these kind of things by now.
One of them spots him and points a torch at his location. "It's him! The couch stealer couch potato!"
"Blast him! He's at the traschcan!!!"
Lard Nar ran back to the Lances Building and locked all the doors in just seconds, fearing for his life, though he was used to that feeling. And now that the mob just noticed, charged at all the doors to the Building and started to set it on fire. Lard Nar, tired from all the running, walked back to room #474. But before the slide door opened, a hot, brown liquid was splashed right on his face.
"AHH! It burns! And what the heck were you---Shloonktapooxis?!? What are you doing here? And since when did you work for Irken invaders?"
Shloonktapooxis was there all right, but this time he was eating cookies., he's high on coffee!
"Hiya! I'd knew I'll see ya again! Want some coffee!?! It's the best thing ever! Even better than nacho cheese!"
A random cup of coffee floats in front of Shloonktapooxis, and pours down the coffee into Shloonktapooxis' mouth, and magically refills itself up.
"Well, you probably don't know about the Irken invader situation I've just gone through, so would you want to join me and my group, again?
Shloonktapooxis stuffs his mouth with sugar: "What? Oh yeah, sure I would eat 2 whole boxes of cookie dough in just one minute! And who else are you inviting to this 'party' I've heard much about?"
" *sigh* Look, the only other member helping me out is that creepy android brain, and I'll give you those cheese puffs I still have if you'd help me defeat the Irkens, okay?"
"Mmmmffffmmm!!" Nodded the cone friend. They both go into that magical chamber again, still the same, except The Couch is gone.
"Great! He took it! And will probably frame me for it! But how can he possibly lift that couch out of this room and far off somewhere in just 5 minutes?"
Shloonktapooxis turns around towards the door and was surprised to see what he'd seen "Hey! Are these the other party-goers? They sure look mad! Let's ditch 'm, man!" The mob was right behind them, about to shoot them down, but luckily Shloonktapooxis thought of this as a game and lifted Lard Nar and flew out of the window.
The mob tries to grab them, but even the leader's arms couldn't reach out the window. "No!!! They escaped with us stranded in this burning place! And I'm getting hot, anyone got a mini-fan?"
"Dammit, we should really keep that darn window locked shut, you know?"
Shloonktapooxis was happy about winning the 'game', and followed Lard Nar's orders to fly him through the window of another familiar building, room #4444. And so be it, The Couch was sitting there, in Lard Nar's old Dormitory bedroom, with Larb lying comfortably on its cushions.
"You know, causing all this chaos on Vort and blaming for it all will get you executed." Lard Nar threatened to Larb.
"Whow! Talk about electricity going through your veins, man!"
Larb gets up from the bed, standing up to be taller than anyone else, as usual. "Don't be a nit wit, Lard Nar, because you and I know that we may be allies when it comes to technology needs, but Vortians can be easily fooled into helping us conquer the Universe for shall we say, a bag of jellybeans?"
Lard Nar felt the weaker one now, hearing things that sound awfully familiar to him. Shloonktapooxis had gotten sad. He had lost all his coffee.
"And not to mention that no one will ever believe that my people would come and destroy your people, after all we've done for you? I already have my plan for a successful conquest and victory anyways. It may take several months for it to be put into action, but I'll be here, the whole planet in flames laughing and mocking at you, as you watch my special video recording! There's no way to stop me now, and besides, that sidekick of yours is pathetic!"
Shloonktapooxis slurps up a jar of nacho cheese.," HEY! This is the good flavored nacho cheese, you know???"
"But I'll form a group, no, an army, faster than you can say 'Victory!' and I'll make sure the first Irken they'll attack to death will be you! And that, will be before my people will have to bow down to barbarians such as yourselves! What do you have to say about that?"
"Tisk, tisk. Don't you remember? Right before you got fired, did you or did you not complete the final designs for the very ship that will attack all the civilizations in the Universe, and will guarantee Irken supreme rule for every species that exists today?
Lard Nar felt sick inside of himself now and bowed his head in shame. ".....Yes,"
"HA! YOU ADMIT IT!" He chuckled at his win of the game and pointed at Lard Nar with one of his gloved-claws. "You can't stop us now, Lard Nar! Surrender or you'll just have to suffer great pain! MUHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!"
Shloonktapooxis didn't really pay any attention to all of this, but got the idea and kicked Larb on his right leg.
"OW! Fucking cone, you are!!" Ow..."
Lard Nar coughed, continuing his say in all of this. "Yes, but I'll run off now, not to be a coward, but to form an army of everyone in the Universe against you rampant little green ants! You may not realize how many that'll be, but I guarantee to make you guys run for your lives and show me the white flag! Come on Shloonktapooxis, There is no time to waste in this hell hole."
Shloonktapooxis lifted Lard Nar and were both out of that room in an instant, leaving a confused, yet non-believing Irken behind.
And so Lard Nar and Shloonktapooxis went off to drag Hermly away from the shower, and all went down to #777's garage and launched themselves off to space in their new Vortian ship. They first went to Planet Ferramentum to gather more of those triangular androids to have more members of the crew. And now taking upon destiny according to The Irken Conquest List, first landed on Planet Blorch.
"Here we are! On the deserted planet!"
"Deserted? There's gotta be some civilization down there. Computer! Land the ship!"
Hermly poked repeatedly on Lard Nar's head, "Why can't I be the ship's computer? Huh? Huh? Huh? Huh?!?"
Lard Nar ignores him, glancing through a window at a yes, a deserted planet! The ship lands in the middle of a dark forest. When everyone gets out of the ship, things are quiet. Too quiet. No crickets here at all.
"Hello? HELLO!!! Hmmm, where is everybody? I thought this planet was one of the most crowded in the galaxy!"
The Triangular Robot observed the place with his extended eyeballs, scanning geological stuff."Maybe there at some sort of festival or something?"
"Festival? FESTIVAL?!? If there was any festival going on now, I would've been there drinking all the pop by now!!"
Lard Nar scrolls down TICL and presses the name 'Blorch' on it. Another screen appears, filled with data on the planet.
Lard Nar reads aloud what the info, but gets another 'feeling', "Wait a minute, this planet sounds familiar, I remember being warned once when I was young, not even daring myself to enter this planet, I think this is the home of...."
Four huge, hungry looking rodents jump right behind them. They all turn around at once.
"....Slautering rat people?!?"
The four hideous rats roared loudly and their prey screamed and ran for their lives.
"To the ship! TO THE SHIP!!!!!"
"AHHH! We're gonna die, aren't we? I don't even taste that good any how!
Hermly wraps himself around Lard Nar's neck, practically choking him. "If we all die and be eaten Lard Nar, can I hug you throughout the digestion? PLEASE!?"
He didn't even bothered to answer and turned around to see the hungry monsters close behind them, drooling insanely. "Computer! Tele-port us into main control room!"
A light green beam shot out of the ship and swallowed up the clan, and were all safely locked up in the ship. They started it immediately and it went up to the black sky. The rats got mad and stomped on each other's feet stupidly.
"Ya know, whoever has to invade that planet must be some kind of a stupid or short moron!"
"Well, even if the Irkens took over it, I'd not want to free those....creatures! I hope that invader has been chewed up already....."
Back onto Blorch's surface, Invader Skoodge sees the ship flying away and runs after it.
"NOO! NOOO! Wait! Don't leave me here with them! I just know they'll attack me at any minute.... I have burgers on the grill!!! Please come back! Please!!!!!" The poor guy didn't have a chance to get a rescue.
He stoped for a moment to hear the sounds of intense drooling and hunger rising in from four huge rats right behind him. The shadows lured Skoodge and Skoodge shrieks. They attack him to death, but luckily he survived, with a third of his flesh torn off and most of his skeleton broken into pieces.
After that crazy adventure, the rebellious organization grew as they landed on more planets mentioned on TICL, but trying not to get any Irkens involved in the secret business. In each planet, they would either transmit text messages to all the personal home computers on that planet, or stand on a cardboard box and pass out invites to anyone, and not to mention scream out "RESIST, MAAAAN!!!!!!" like fools.
After 18 months of doing this sort of thing, Lard Nar had successfully had a total of around 20 members. Himself, Shloonktapooxis, Hermly, two triangular robots, two big-headed ship drivers, an insectoid female, a three-headed guy, a blob female who vomits constantly, five or six of short fat guys with tiny arms, amn alien who had no head but just a brain, a taller insectoid-looking one and a mysterious member hiding in the shadows. And on one random day, they ran out of fuel for the ship and stopped at the nearby intergalactic gas station in the Cadbury Galaxy....
Lard Nar jumped out of the ship and commanded to the others, "You guys guard the ship while I pay for the fuel refill, but please don't even think of buying yourselves...."
Shloonktapooxis flies up in the air and gasps a big gasp. "They have a snack store! Complete with candy, chips, soda, nachos, cheese, sugar, and...microwave burritos! WOOO!! To the snackies!!"
They all roared, cheered and followed Shloonktapooxis Except Lard Nar and Hermly, who stood there staring at the insane cluster. Lard Nar slaps himself in the face again, he's quite used to this by now, and he even felt a permanent mark coming...
"Turn on the my computer while I'm gone, okay? And please don't stalk me up again!"
Hermly obeys him and Lard Nar walks out of the ship through a huge sliding door, and sees a worker in fuel-black overalls pass by.
Lard Nar comes up to a very tall worker a bit filthy looking, though. He had on a huge smile on his face and multiple arms to push others around with. "Excuse me! Regular Medium-Large ship fuel refill, please?"
"Sure I will!" He replied as if this was his first customer in weeks. But you don't have to pay, I just got fired! Ha ha! I didn't see that one coming!"
Lard Nar felt he'll blend right in with his clan, but even though that would be a bad thing, he was still desperate for comrades.
"I'll pay anyhow, and since you don't have a job, would you like to join a rebellious group willing to bring the Irken Empire to its death fall? I'm Lard Nar, the leader and Captain of the ship."
"Wow! I'll join ya! My name is Spleenk, some guy who justcame up with a bunch of cool ideas!"
"That'll be great!" Lard Nar said, how dumbfounded was he then to go for that? "We will start planning our first attack soon, so you can meet the other members at the sugary aisle. Here's the cash."
Lard Nar gave Spleenk some gold and copper (the common use of money in that galaxy) and went back to the ship and started to research information on the glowing laptop, with Hermly standing by his side.
"OH!!! Your smiling that smile that makes your teeth sparkle!" Hermly exclaimed, his one robot-ic eye extended its size by an inch. "And that's so my favorite look on your face! Tell me, what are you so cheery about? And are you so happy that you are willing to sleep with me tonight?"
"We have a new member, Spleenk, and he's willing to help us out on our first attack of resistance, even though he may be a little stupid like everybody else. And why the heck would I sleep with you!? We had a restraining order on that kind of thing, you know!"
"We do? No we don't.", doubting the truth, and adding a little comment to his 'Special Friend', "Why, I can never imagine having ANY restraining orders with you, Lardus Narusssss!!"
His 'Special Friend' grudged at the attempt of using made-up Latin to seduce him. But the Vortian looked thorugh his window of files and a name caught his eye. "What's this? A file named, 'Private Photos'? I didn't take any pictures on this computer, so it must have been from somebody else...OH! I bet these are the satellite/spy camera photos that I found of private meetings the new Tallests had last week!"
"Uh..... I don't think you should open that, it's probably junk mail anyway...."
"Junk mail?" He doubted, surprised to see Hermly act so bored and careless all of the sudden "Least likely! Maybe it's those pictures of the Irken Armada plans I've been searching for! Or their ways of attacking the victim planets!"
"Just delete this thing, master...I mean, heh, heh, I'm sure it's not THAT important...." Lard Nar didn't even notice the nervous tone in the computer's advice. Anxious to know the secret of the file, he says, "I'm gonna download this file to the Ship's Main Screen!" A huge screen covering up the whole glass view of the outside pops up with the unknown file standing in place.
Hermly's one eye expands a little more now, but not for the amazement of Lard Nar's denture status. "Don't open this file Lard Nar, please! Or I'll....I'll....do something to make you unhappy even though I wouldn't want to do it at all! So there! Delete it already!"
"Aw, come on! You have nothing to do with my laptop yet except you just turned it on, and that time you sprayed Vortian deodorant all over it. It wasn't even mine, damn it!"
Hermly tries to think of a come back, nothing except a "Uhhhh.....NO! NO! NO!NO! Don't open it, or else! I can start a chant you know!"
All the other snack eating members come into the ship (including Spleenk) and watch the argument go on.
"What's that going to do?!? It's just a file with photos in it! And besides, these pictures can change the whole entire organization itself! It might give us the key to defeat them, or something. Here I go!"
"ACK! EEK!" The robot shrieks, knowing what will happen next, and hides under a control table. Lard Nar opens the file up and in an instant huge photos pop up of Lard Nar, but in a very disturbing way. So disturbing that even I slap myself for thinking of such a thing. So I'm not gonna tell y'all anything, 'cause this story is rated PG-13!! So there, hmmph. Lard Nar screams in shock, and the snack-eaters shield their eyes and run for it.
"ACK!!! HERMLY!!!!" Anger management problems from the Vortian fume up right through his skull. "We've talked about not ever doing this kind of thing to me!!!!! What the hell were you thinking?!?! And right in front of the whole gang, too! And why did you put it up on my laptop, I would've seen them either way!!!?"
"Oh, oh, oh, oh......I'm so very sorry...But you look so damn HOT in those pictures!" Even Hermly couldn't resist be serious when his 'Special Friend' was about to chop him into pieces. He even purrs and rubs on Lard Nar's side like a cat. Lard Nar is ticked off, embarrassed and yet quite disturbed about all of this. He just hopes no one will ever remember this day.
"Grrrrr... Out!! Out! Out! OUUUUT!! I knew I couldn't trust you! Even if you did spared my whole brain!!"
"I wish I didn't, though.....That would've been so---"
"OUT!! OUT!!! I don't want to ever see, hear or feel the presence of you ever again!!!!"
Hermly flied off the ship with his dragonfly wings sadly out of the ship. No fighting back, no seduction, just a moment of silence as Lard Nar calmed down slowly. He slaped himself in the face again and deletes the file, along with other disturbing files that Hermly has kept on the computer for the past fewmonths. An hour afterward, Lard Nar is at peace, and gathers his most fullest group around for a meeting (the main computer is flying the ship).
"Attention, people! We need a way to make our introduction attack to the Irkens! I, surprisingly, don't have any clue on how we're going to do it. So....Any suggestions?"
Crickets chirp, even though they aren't any anywhere near the galaxy.
"............" (Lard Nar)
".........." (Shloonktapooxis)
"...* puke *...." (female blob)
"............." (Triangular Robot)
Spleenk now has his chance of doing his first effort into the rebellious cluster. "OH!! I KNOW! I KNOW! I KNOW! I GOT THE MOST INGENIOUS PLAN EVER!!!!"
Lard Nar was glad to hear from the new guy, "Yes, let's listen to it, then!" But then realized the obvious.
Lard Nar slapped himself anew, but this time so much blood has bleed off his head, and his face has been bruised so much, that he collapses on to the floor, unconscious.