Disclaimer and Warning: I do not own any of the following: Kermit the Frog,
Cookie Monster, Snuffleufagus (or any of the other Muppets, in case you
were wondering), Dollar General, or Figgy Newtons. I do, however, own the
drink "Your Pants," and "the Figgy Brigands," "the Figgy Voice," and "the
Figgy King." This disclaimer is yet another warning of what kind of chapter
this is going to be, so hunker down (yes, I said hunker down, get over it)
with a package of Figgy Newtons and enjoy!
Chapter Seven: Figgy Newtons, Dart Guns, and the First Pirate Attack
Part I: The Storm and the Yayas
As much fun as the Garnier Fructis induced fit of love was, it could
only last so long. In fact, very soon, our beloved captains were going to
face several atrocities that would take all of their nautical and
military training to overcome. (In case you were wondering, yes, they
were still continuing their one hour a day each of ship learning and
sword-fighting.)
In a brief respite from being ravaged like bears, only not so harmful,
the two captains were resting and enjoying themselves in the best ways.
They were occasionally joined by the crew, except for Arthur, Aragorn and
Sinbad, who were all on duty.
Rachael was designing a webpage, and Emily was practicing ballet en
Pointe, and with help from Orlando and Oliver, she was now doing a lovely
pas de deux trio thing.
However, before anyone got too far into their activities, there was a
cry from Sinbad in the crow's nest, where he was keeping look out.
"My ladies!" he called, "There's a storm brewing off the port side!"
(For some reason, maybe because there wasn't a song written about it,
off the port bow doesn't sound as good.)
The ladies looked up from their activities and took the glass thing
which since no one will tell me what it's really called will henceforth
"the Turban of Surban" and will also be transformed into a turban. What?!
You don't want to wear the Turban of Surban?! TOO BAD!!
Um.where was I? Oh yes.
The girls looked up from their activities and took up the Turban of
Surban. Emily put it on first, because she is the one invented the Turban
of Surban.
"Ah, that does look bad," said Emmy, handing the Turban to Rach, who
nodded, agreeing, and then handed it to Aragorn and Orlando, who have
some how become like the main saily people. I don't know how that
happened.it just did.
"Well-batten down the hatches!!" cried Emily, "Let's get ready for
this storm!"
. . .Sorry had to go attend to things. I'm back now. (Ah- lovely heat
therapy patch! Don't you want to come and live with me forever?)
The crew shouted, "Aye captains!" and ran away to start doing things
to prepare for the storm.
Emily and Rachie went to go prepare for the storm by first changing
out of their dance leotards and PJs into their serviceable whatevers that
they had bought for the sailing extravaganza.
"Hmm, I think this is the first time we've worn these," commented
Rachael as she tied her drawstring pants.
"They are quite serviceable and comfortable, too," commented Emily.
Then they rushed out to help prepare. Despite their precautions, the
storm was still frightfully bad, raging for three days and three nights.
(I hate it when people say that. Like it stopped conveniently after
sunset?) Everyone spent all their time checking the sails, helping steer
and manning the pumps to make sure they didn't take on too much water.
When they got too exhausted, they were allowed an hour to sleep and rest.
But as soon as their hour was up, they had to report back to the jobs
that were waiting for them. Emily even had to brave her fear off heights
and climb into the rigging to cut away a loose sail.
Finally, the storm subsided. The crew, exhausted, all fell into a big
heap in the middle of the deck and slept there, but not until after the
captains assigned an hour's watch each.
After everyone had slept their fill, they got up and started examining
the S.S. Claire. Their captains had already been up for quite sometime,
and were busy examining the damage.
Orlando walked up to Emily, who was looking at the mast.
"What do you think, milady?" asked Orly.
"Well, the mast didn't break," she commented.
"Excuse me?" Orlando was confused.
"The mast didn't break," said Emily again, and then turning and
realizing he was looking at her blankly still, she elaborated, "In all
the worst storms you read about, the mast breaks. So, we're really
lucky."
"Er, yes," agreed Orly, still somewhat confused.
Just then Rachael returned from below deck, where she had been
inspecting the ship for damage.
"I've made a list of all the things we need so we can repair the
ship," said Rachie.
"Excellent," said Emily, "Next port we see, we'll stop and repair."
As the crew went about their merry ways, Emily turned to Rachael and
said, "I think it's time we had the Yayas on for a visit."
"Excellent idea!" agreed Rachael, "But we'd better write now, so Lan
can come. You know how her mom is."
"True," said Emily, and they walked off to make plans for the
reuniting of the Yayas.
* * * * *
A few days later, they sailed in to port. Once again, Emily and
Rachael were armed with Nerf foam bats, in case any port floozies (you
can tell they're a floozy if you can see their knees) or any other girls
got any ideas. The men felt better just knowing that the girls were
prepared.
"All right, men," said Rachael, "We've got to shop, restock, and all
that jazz before three o'clock because that's when we're meeting Teensy
and Necie, understand?"
The men nodded, and Emily continued, "We're going to break up into
teams and then meet back here at three o'clock, all right?"
The men nodded again, and Emily read off the list of who was with
whom. Aragorn, Ian, Pippin, Sinbad, and Johnny went with Rachael to
restock; and Elijah, Dominic, Oliver, Arthur, and Orlando went with Emily
to get the things to repair the ship.
They met back at three o'clock as agreed, and there the crew met the
rest of the Yayas. Both Tamela (Teensy) and Lan (Necie) were
flabbergasted at the hotness of the crew. I mean, they had heard rumours,
but who is really prepared for all that hotness in one place? No one.
So the two came aboard with the crew and spent the evening adjusting
to the hotness by lying on lawn chairs and drinking the Yayas favourite
drink, "Your Pants," which came about when Rachael kept spilling her Coke
on my pants when we were driving and eating at Sonic.
Meanwhile, the captains and the crew made the repairs to the ship. And
by the way, when I say the captains were repairing things what I mean is
the captains were watching the crew do things, yelling encouragement,
fixing the crew drinks, and crocheting. Well, Emily was crocheting;
Rachael was holding the yarn and unraveling it when necessary.
And thus they passed a pleasant evening, not knowing the horrors about
to befall them.
* * * * *
Part II: The Adventures of the Yayas and the Figgy Brigands
As I said before, the crew and the girls were passing a pleasant
evening, but before too long the Yayas were all tired and insisted that,
as much as they'd like to stay and help coil rope, they really can't,
because...well, they weren't really sure why, but they couldn't.
So the captains bade the crew good-night (with large, sloppy, childish
kisses), shyly followed by Lan and Tama, who quickly kissed them on the
cheek, before giggling and running away.
Later on that night, Pippin, Dom, Oliver, and Orly were on duty, while
all the other crew was asleep or making presents for the captains. (Hey,
why not?)
Pippin was up with Orly at the wheel and was supposedly on duty. But
we all know that Pippin is sometimes - er - less than observant. So he
was almost drifting off to sleep against a random barrel (perhaps placed
there just for that reason), when he heard a bit of a scrambling noise
towards the main mast. At first he thought he had merely imagined it, but
then he heard it again.
"Um, Orlando, did you hear that?" Pippin asked.
Orlando looked up from the wheel, and asked, "Hear what?"
"That noise over near the mast? There it is again!" exclaimed Pippin,
pointing to the mast, where they saw a dark shape scrambling up the mast,
or so it appeared.
Orlando was instantly on full alert.
"Pippin, go wake the rest of the crew," he commanded, and Pippin
scampered off silently as only hobbits can do.
Within a few minutes, the crew had all gathered around the wheel and were
holding a whispered conference.
"So, what's going on?" asked Johnny.
"Pippin and I both heard something and saw something climbing up the
mast, we think," whispered Orlando.
"You think?" asked Aragorn.
"It was dark, it was hard to see very well," explained Orlando, but
suddenly there was another scramble noise and a large "bump" as something
hit the deck.
Everyone whirled around, looking for the source of the sound. They saw
a bucket rolling down the deck.
"That's it," said Sinbad, "We definitely have intruders!"
"All right men, we've got to go into stealth mode," whispered Aragorn,
"Someone's got to keep an eye on the mast and make sure they don't
escape. The rest of us will arm up and then we'll take on the intruders."
"But what about the captains?" asked Arthur, "They might be after
them, and their friends!"
All the crew gasped in HORROR, as realization dawned on them.
"Of course!" whispered Ian, "They're going to kidnap the captains!"
"Right," said Aragorn, "Sinbad and Johnny, you go and guard the
captains' room."
"Should we wake them up?" asked Johnny.
"Nah, let's not worry them unless it's absolutely necessary!" said
Aragorn, "Oliver, you guard the mast, the rest of us will get cracking!"
The men all nodded and did some sort of "male-bonding, let's go get
'em" type of thing, and broke off to do their respective jobs.
Johnny and Sinbad hurried off to the captains' quarters and took out
their swords.
"Perhaps we should check on them?" asked Sinbad.
"Couldn't hurt," agreed Johnny, and they quietly opened the door. When
they looked inside, they gasped in HORROR at what they saw there.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, Aragorn, Arthur, Dom, and Elijah were grabbing swords and pistols for the crew; Orlando was still steering and with him were Sir Ian and Pippin, keeping an eye out for other movement.
The group retrieving the weapons had just emerged from below deck, when Johnny came running.
"Johnny! You're supposed to be guarding the captains' quarters!" exclaimed Dom, who saw him coming.
"That's just it!" exclaimed Johnny, "The cretins have already struck! The captains are gone!"
"WHAT?!" shouted everyone, then they instantly started shushing each other for being so loud.
"Well, there's nothing to do but to do it," said Arthur, "I'll go get the others."
Arthur went after Sir Ian, Pippin, and Orlando; while Johnny went for Sinbad. Soon they were all gathered at the base of the mast.
"Ready, men?" asked Aragorn, rhetorically, "Remember, don't shoot unless you must, we don't want to hurt the ladies."
Everyone nodded agreement, and then turned to Oliver for his report.
"There seems to be at least four dark shapes up there, but I can't tell for sure in this light," he said, "and no sign of the captains either."
The crew nodded and did another one of those "male-bonding, let's go get 'em" type of things, and then started climbing silently into the rigging, armed with a sword and pistol each.
As they approached the crow's nest, they heard maniacal giggling.
"Maybe you should speak to them," whispered Orlando to Sir Ian, "See if you can reason with them."
Sir Ian nodded, and looked to see if everyone else was ready, and at their signal, he cleared his throat.
"Uh- excuse me?" he called, mentally berating himself for not thinking of something better to say.
"Uh- excuse me?" someone said back to him, in a voice that sounded like a cross between Cookie Monster and Kermit the Frog, and henceforth will be referred to as the "Figgy Voice."
Sir Ian looked at the others, confused, but then continued, even more unsure of himself, "Er- we came to barter for the return of our captains?"
"And all you can say is 'Uh- excuse me?'" enquired the Figgy Voice.
"Yeah, well - er, who are you?" asked Sir Ian.
"WE ARE THE FIGGY BRIGANDS!" chorused a group of Figgy Voices.
"Well, Figgy Brigands, will you give us our captains back, please? We're very fond of them."
"Lalalalala!" sang the first Figgy Voice, "What'll you give us?"
"Er...umm..." all of the crew looked at each other, thinking.
"Clearly this is never going to work," said the Figgy Voice, in disgust, "We'd better just name our ransom. Hang on a sec!"
The crew politely waited until the Figgy Voice began speaking again.
"We name for the ransom..." the Voice paused, and the crew held their breath, "One Snuffleufagus."
"But- but we don't have a Snuffleufagus!" exclaimed Sir Ian, as the crew exchanged bewildered looks, "We don't even know where to find one!"
"TOO BAD!" cackled the Figgy Brigands, before the Voice continued, "It's all right, 'cause we already threw your captains overboard!"
"YOU LIE!" cried out a few of the crew, while the others sat in shock and horror.
"NOPE!" chorused the Figgy Brigands again, "NOW, GET US SOME FIGGY NEWTONS!"
Some of the crew looked like they were about to break down, and others looked furious, but none of them looked inclined to scamper down to the galley for some Figgy Newtons. Looking around and seeing that was the general consensus of the crew, Sir Ian continued angrily, "We will avenge our beloved captains!"
"Well, all right, but I warn you, we are armed with dart guns, and if you're hit, you'll faint like a girl!" called out the Figgy Voice.
Some of the crew blanched at this, but quickly regained their resolution after thinking about the captains mercilessly shoved overboard.
"OPEN FIRE!" called Aragorn, and suddenly there was a fury of bullets and darts flying through the air. They fought heavily for a few moments, and a few of the crew were hit with darts, and fainted with a girly sigh, but luckily did not fall to the deck.
"OW!" exclaimed a familiar voice, as someone shot at one of the Figgy Brigands, "Someone shot my hat!"
Orlando, who was closest to the crow's nest hideout of the Figgy Brigands, instantly recognized the voice and the large red hat with the black veil.
"Miss Lan?" asked Orlando, quietly.
The member of the Figgy Brigands, realizing that she had forgotten her Figgy persona, instantly repeated herself in the correct voice, "I mean, OW! Someone shot my hat!"
But it was too late.
"HOLD YOUR FIRE!" shouted Orly, and the crew reluctantly obeyed.
"Miss Lan? Miss Tamela? Captains? Is that you?" asked Orlando.
There was a collective disappointed sigh, and they heard a lantern being lit. (It sounds different from any other thing being lighted, I promise.) The Figgy Brigands stood resigned and held up their lantern so the crew could see who it was.
Rachael, Emily, Lan, and Tamela stood in the crow's nest.
"My ladies!" exclaimed everyone, "We thought you were dead."
"Nah," explained Rachael, "We were just practicing our sneaking out. We would have won too, if it weren't for Lan forgetting her Figgy voice."
(Emily is THE Figgy Voice aka the Figgy King, all the other Figgy Brigands just has a Figgy voice.)
The other Yayas immediately turned to Lan, and said, "Skank."
"They shot my hat!" exclaimed Lan, apparently unashamed.
The others rolled their eyes, as Sir Ian spoke again.
"I'm confused," he said, "The Figgy Brigands said they threw you overboard."
"But the Figgy Brigands aren't real," explained Tama.
"Oh, yes, they were just here, shooting at us! You must remember them, they were the ones who threw you overboard! Or maybe you were still asleep? Anyway, the Figgy Brigands were here and we tried to rescue you, but they said they threw you overboard-" Sir Ian was rambling.
Emily reached out from the crow's nest to touch him lightly on the arm.
"Look, is this going to be like your 'there's no water' thing?" she asked.
"Uh..."
"Look, the Figgy Brigands are us; they are one of our alter-egos. We were pretending to be them so we could practice our sneaking technique." continued Emily.
Sir Ian still looked confused, but they gave him a moment, and then they saw realization dawn over him.
"But why did you shoot us?" he asked.
"You shot us too," countered Emily, "and we didn't even use real bullets."
The crew looked abashed, realizing that they had indeed been firing on their own captains. They started to apologize, but the captains cut them off.
"It's okay," they said, "But next time, make sure you know who you're shooting at."
They then helped get the men who had fainted (Elijah, Oliver and Dominic) back down to the deck, explaining that the stuff they used in the darts didn't last long, and that they should wake up soon.
"You said that the Figgy Brigands were one of your alter egos," commented Orlando to Emily later, "Do you have more?"
"Oh yes," said Emily, nonchalantly, "We've got hundreds combined."
"Should we be worried about this?" he asked.
"Oh no, none of them are really dangerous," commented Emily, but before she could make further comment, Elijah, Oliver and Dom woke up and were so upset about the captains' apparent death that it took awhile to calm them down enough to actually explain what had happened, and even after they had to spend the night with the captains (and the Yayas, I guess), to reassure them.
* * * * *
Part III: The Alter Ego Pirates
Everyone felt rather inclined to sit around and be lazy the next day, after the late night they'd had before. So everyone was lazing around on deck, waiting for something exciting to happen.
Now, as the case would have it, you never have to make something exciting happen with our beloved captains and the other Yayas, and seldom have to wait too long for something of the exciting nature to occur, and this case was no different.
They had been lazing about the deck for about an hour before Pippin spotted the other ships' sails. He had been sitting in the rigging and soon saw billowing sails on the horizon. He quickly scampered down to inform the captains.
"Miladies," he said, "I hate to bother you but there are ships spotted on the western horizon."
"Thank you, baby," said Rachael, while Lanny leered lecherously at the man-hobbit who was just her size.
Sadly, Emily and Rachael could not protect him, because they had just gone to don the Turban of Surban, and were looking at the ships.
"There appear to be three ships," said Emily, and before any of the crew could prevent it, she and Rachael began doing Jeannie and Alison's "I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In" dance while singing the above named song.
When they had recovered from their bout of Christmas singing, Emily handed the Turban of Surban to Rach.
"Well, they don't appear to be unfriendly," said Rachael, looking at their flags, but suddenly she jumped up and began racing for the mast, and climbed, followed by Tamela and Lan. (Emily stayed behind because she is afraid of heights and she'd had far too many trips into the rigging in the past couple of days.)
Once in the crow's nest, Rachael and the other Yayas apparently spotted something of interest by the way they were waving the arms and trying to shout something. Emily and the crew on the deck, however, could not understand anything they were saying.
"I can't understand you!" yelled Emily up to the crow's nest.
Rach, Tama, and Lansama clearly saw that Emily was yelling something (they saw her mouth move), but couldn't hear her.
"We can't hear you!" yelled Rachael, back to Emily.
Emily saw her yell, but the wind swept away her words.
"I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!" she yelled back, "TALK LOUDER!"
Rachael could actually hear Emily this time, but couldn't actually discern what she was saying.
"WHAT?" yelled Rachael, "SPEAK LOUDER!"
Emily couldn't hear her, and was about to yell again when Rachael made a "hang on one second" look, and Emily waited.
Within a moment, she heard a beeping noise come from somewhere around her waist. It took a moment to realize her $5 Dollar General walkie-talkie was being paged.
"Hallo," she said into the mouth piece.
"Hiyas!" she heard Rachael's voice say.
"HIYAS!" shouted Emily, who was, according to the crew, far too excited about talking to Rachael, whom she had just spoken to a moment ago. "I thought these only had a five-foot range?" continued Emily.
"Yeah, but...um, they don't anymore," said Rachael, somewhat confused, before continuing, "Anyway, how are you doing?"
"Well, I'm just fine, I was thinking about making some pancakes, how would you like that?"
"Well, that sounds great!" exclaimed Rachael, "But let me ask the others."
"Okies!"
Emily sat waiting patiently, until Rachael came back on, saying "They said they love that!"
Emily looked up to see Tama and Lan waving excitedly.
"Well, I'll just go get started," said Emily, starting to go, before Arthur stopped her.
"Aren't you going to find out what she saw of those ships?" he asked.
Emily thought, trying to remember what he was talking about, then suddenly she remembered the other ships.
"OH YEAH!" she exclaimed, and she turned the walkie-talkie back on, "Hey Rach, what about those ships?"
She looked up, and the gathered crew could tell Rachael was taking a moment to think about what Emily had said, and she even consulted Tama and Lanny.
"OH!" they heard her exclaim, "THOSE SHIPS!"
"Yeah," Emily said, "So what about them?"
"Oh, they're pirate ships, and they're sailing this way."
"Oh, OK."
It took exactly 2.3 seconds for this news to sink in to both captains, before they started screaming; Rachael in random craziness, and Emily was yelling at her and the Yayas to get down.
Finally, Rachael regained her senses with a little help from Lan, ("That SKANK smacked me!") and they scrambled down the rigging onto the deck.
"What do we do?" Emily asked Rachael, when she got down.
"HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?" yelled Rachael, frantically. Lan smacked her again, and Rachael turned to smack her again, but Tamela intervened by walloping Lan over the head with a pillow, and henceforth breaking out a Tama-Lanny fight, and getting them out of everyone's hair.
"I repeat, how the heck am I supposed to know what to do?" said Rachie, a bit calmer, "You're the one who reads all the books, and knows the difference between 'tactics' and 'strategy!'"
"True," thought Emily, considering, "All right, I'll take charge."
She turned to the crew, and began yelling, "ROLL OUT THE GUNS, YOU MEN!" The group rushed off to do her bidding, "GET OUT THE WEAPONS! ARM EVERYONE!"
She went up to Orlando who was the only one left, "Remind me to get a quartermaster later." He nodded, before she continued, "Right, well, we're going to go dress accordingly, you keep an eye on everything, and you're in charge until we get back."
Orlando nodded, and ran off to help Pippin move one of the huge guns. The Yayas ran off to their cabins to get dressed.
Orlando didn't notice their return right away, because he was occupied with loading the guns and keeping an eye on the approaching pirates. However, it didn't take long to notice the men's distraction. Wheeling around, he glanced back. Seeing the Yayas' attire, he sighed, and yelled, "BACK TO WORK, MEN!" As the men returned to their job, he walked over to the girls.
They were all wearing prom dresses of identical style, in their individual colours. (Rach and Emmy, of course, were wearing blue and green, respectively. Lan had purple and Tama had...well, yellow is her original colour...but she somehow chose pink instead, so I guess just this once she can wear pink.) All had thin spaghetti straps, very - no - extremely heavily beaded bodices, and hugely poufy skirts.
"Er-my ladies?" started Orly, awkwardly, "You know that normally you indulge in your crazy whims and I make no comment?"
The ladies nodded, unabashed.
"Well, this time, I may have to," he said, cringing, but at their nod, he continued, "As beautiful as you look - and really, you look fabulous- ...this is really no time to be wearing prom dresses."
To his amazement, they merely started laughing.
"Oh, Orly," laughed Emily, "You're so silly! These aren't just any prom dresses! These are armoured prom dresses! They're protection!"
Orly looked confused, but Tama explained further, "They're beaded so heavily that nothing can pass through them!"
Orly eyed the beads, but the pirates were approaching fast, so he made no further comment and followed Emily's directions.
Each of the guns were manned, and the pirates had sailed up until they were lined up with the S.S. Claire, but a good ways off.
"Ready, men?" Emily called.
"Aye-aye, ma'am!" yelled the crew.
Emily was about to yell the order to fire, when suddenly with a load blast, one of the pirate ships fired at them.
"Watch out, men!" yelled Rachael, preparing to duck.
But flying through the air was not a cannonball, but something brightly coloured...?
SPLAT.
Everything and everyone was covered in sea foam green paint.
"What?" everyone exclaimed, but they were cut off as another shot from a different ship brought a rain of...blood? No, it was just red paint.
Finally, Emily regained her composure, and yelled, "FIRE ONE!" With that, the crew at the first gun (Orly, Aragorn, Elijah) fired a cannon at the opposing ships.
Just after they shot, a large amount of azure blue paint flung itself at the S.S. Claire, so they couldn't tell if they had hit anything or not. After everyone wiped the paint from their eyes, they saw smoke rising from the second ship, so they assumed they had hit it.
"FIRE TWO AND THREE!" yelled Emily, as Lan and Rach got out a roll of paper towels and started dabbing paint off of all the Yayas.
Another hit before another rain of sea foam hit them. Emily followed that with shots from Four and One, (There are four guns per side.) which was followed by a rain of both red and blue, so now everyone was an interesting shade of purple, with sea foam highlights.
Another shot from Two and Three, and a return fire of sea foam, red and azure. After that, the pirate guns were still.
Emily hopped up onto a barrel and peered out. The second pirate ship was damaged rather badly, and the third had at least one hole in the sides. The main ship, however, seemed relatively unharmed, but there seemed to be a scurrying of action on the deck.
The crew of S.S. Claire waited apprehensively, but looked relieved as the main ship ran up a white flag.
"Phew," sighed Emily, relieved that she had won her first battle.
"Uh, milady, I wouldn't be so relieved yet," said Sinbad, pointing at the longboat that was rowing their way.
"But they ran up a white flag!" exclaimed Sir Ian, "They can't attack!"
"Uh, they're pirates," said Johnny, "They can do whatever they want."
"True," said everyone.
They waited until the long boat was right near the S.S. Claire, and they heard a call.
"Request permission to board, captain!" came the call.
Emily signaled to Pippin, who ran to the deck, and cautiously peered over.
"There's only seven people in there," he said, doubtfully.
"And they won't all come aboard," added the voice from the long boat.
"You never let us go anywhere!" called a melancholy voice.
"Shut up," said the first voice.
Emily shrugged, and called out, "Yeah, sure."
Within a few moments, there were four women aboard. The crew was making interesting faces, as they looked very familiar, but they were slightly distracted as the smallest of them, a Vietnamese girl of small stature, started running towards the Yayas.
The crew of the S.S. Claire jumped in front the Yayas, swords drawn, and the other three pirate women shoved the little pirate girl down.
"Lyra, you skank!" exclaimed the other three. "They blew holes in my ship!" she said by way of explanation. Then one of the three stepped forward, as the others held onto the short girl.
"Hey! You stole my outfit!" exclaimed Johnny. (And he meant that figuratively, not literally, as nice as that would be.)
The woman shrugged, saying, "You have good taste." Then she turned to the captains of the hot ship.
"We come to barter with you," said the girl, at whom the crew had resumed staring, because she did look so very familiar.
"Barter for what?" asked Emily, confused.
"For some of your hot men," said the woman.
Emily scoffed, making the slightly panicked crew feel better, as she said, "In exchange for what?"
"In exchange for the cessation of hostilities and damage to your ship."
All the crew took a break from staring at the pirates to burst out laughing.
"What?" exclaimed the leader, "What are you laughing at?"
"I'm sorry," said Rachael, who was trying not to laugh, "but yall used paint."
"So?" asked the girl.
"Well, I mean, it's paint," continued Rach.
"Yeah, well, doesn't everybody use paint?" asked the leader.
"Er- no, most people use cannonballs and the like," said Rachael.
"I wondered why you were using those!" the girl exclaimed, "Lots of nasty holes in my ships!"
She turned and glared at another girl in a peasant's dress, who was a light brunette with purple eyes, and quite busty.
"I told you we should have done more research!" exclaimed the leader.
The other girl shrugged, and said, "How was I supposed to know? I'm a skank!"
"THAT'S IT!" exclaimed Elijah, scaring everyone.
"What?" asked everyone.
"I knew I recognized you!" he said to the pirates. The rest of the crew clamored for him to tell them who it was, because they couldn't figure it out.
"You look like them!" he exclaimed, pointing to the Yayas, who hadn't been paying attention, and instead were wiping paint off of each other. They looked up startled as the attention focused on them.
All the crew started chorusing things like, "That's it!" and "I knew they looked like someone!"
"Oh! I recognize yall now," said Emily, "You're our alter ego pirates!"
"Oh, yeah, we are," said the leader, "Allow us to introduce ourselves."
"This is Captain Olivia Newton John," she said pointing to the red- headed girl who looked like Rachie, "of The Adjective Noun."
"Captain Lyra Crackwhore," she continued, cracking up at the word 'crackwhore,' and pointing to the Vietnamese girl, "of The Bloody Lily."
"Olivia's first mate, Trish 'Anti'Slut," she said pointing to the busty brunette, who looked like Tama, only skankier.
"And the only first mate allowed to come aboard," said a sulky voice from the long boat.
The leader sighed. "In the boat we have my first mate, Melancholy Pingdy-Pong, Lyra's first mate One-Eyed-Left-Foot-Willie, and her second mate, Ped O. Phile." She then lowered her voice as she added, "If you have any children aboard, I'd keep them hidden until we leave."
"OH! And I'm Captain Miranda Silver," she continued, "of The Surly Mermaid, and captain of the fleet."
"Then shouldn't we call you 'Commodore?'" asked Emily.
"Yeah, technically," said Cpt. Miranda, "but 'Commodore' makes me think of a big, ugly bird."
Before the others could comment, she continued, "Anyway, how about that battering?"
"Yeah, well you didn't exactly 'damage' our ship," said Rachael, "I mean, you did just use paint."
"Yeah, but now your deck is covered in paint, and it's not even all the same colour," said Cpt. Silver.
Everyone looked around and sure enough the deck was covered with sea foam, azure, and red paint, which was quickly drying in the sunlight.
"She's got a point," said Emily, "I mean, look at the sails!"
(Insert mental image of deep green and blue sails hideously splattered in sea foam, azure, and red paint.)
"But Emmy," Rachael started to say, "I mean, it's nothing we can't fix-"
Emily quickly shushed her, and took out her walkie-talkie to tell her, "I've got a plan, and it's a good one."
She then turned back to the Captain. "All right, I see your point, we'll give you a hot guy in exchange for the cessation of hostilities and damage to our ship. Here are my terms: once we give you the hot guy, you must never attack us again, you nor any others of your fleet. And I get to choose the hot guy."
The crew was hissing at Emily, "What are you thinking?" and desperately hoping that they personally hadn't said anything to offend her lately.
Captain Miranda Silver seemed to be considering. She glanced back at her crew, and they nodded.
"All right, we accept."
The crew groaned, but Emily silenced them with a glare.
"All right, I'll just go get your ga- I mean hot guy." Emily walked, surprisingly, away from the hot crew, and towards the rail.
"OH WALLIGATOR!" she called.
The Yayas instantly discerned the brilliantness of Emily's plan. Everyone else just looked confused. Soon they heard a splashing off the port side.
"There's a good Walligator, now come aboard," called Emmy.
Pretty soon a tall, hot guy with brownish-blonde hair crawled over the side, clutching a huge alligator floaty toy. The Yayas ran over to try and squeeze his skin flap, but he fended them off with blows to the nanas, and they backed off whimpering.
"Here's your hot guy," said Emily cheerfully, but noting with alarm that Sir Ian was inching near to the Walligator.
"Him?" called Sir Ian, "but he's g-"
"Good-lookin' - I know!" exclaimed Emily quickly, then glaring at Sir Ian, while hissing, "Would you shut up? And remember you're converted!"
Captain Miranda Silver, Captain Olivia Newton John, Captain Lyra Crackwhore, and First Mate Trisha "Anti"Slut walked over to observe the Walligator. Apparently satisfied with his hotness, Cpt. Miranda looked back at Emily, and nodded.
"He'll do," she said, "Nice doing business with you!"
She, the other captains/ first mate, and the Walligator walked back over and got into their long boat and rowed away.
"Emmy, you're a genius!" exclaimed Lan.
"I know," said Emmy, modestly.
"But I don't get it," said Oliver.
"That was the only way I could get rid of them and keep all of you. Besides, we'll be miles away by the time they figure out he's gay," explained Emily, with an evil grin.
At this, everyone exclaimed joyously and crowded around Emily to celebrate. (Although Sir Ian was looking a little done that he didn't even get to officially meet the Walligator.) They then started getting the ship back in order, and getting rid of that wretched paint.
* * * * *
Authoress' Notes: Well, at the expense of my "good looks" and well-being, I
have finally got this chapter up. (*looks at self in mirror, and sighs, resigned*) I'm sorry it took me so long to write this, but as you can see it is quite a whopper of a chapter so hopefully it is worth it. Also you
should feel grateful because I decided to cut out a part and put it in later, when the Hot Ship is closer to France. You're welcome, everybody! Anyway, I love yall, and please keep reviewing and writing! (If you review, I'll give you a present in the next chapter!...What? I am definitely NOT bribing you, so SHUT UP!...Did I mention I love you? 'Cause I do!) Anyway,
hope you enjoy! Love as always!
Chapter Seven: Figgy Newtons, Dart Guns, and the First Pirate Attack
Part I: The Storm and the Yayas
As much fun as the Garnier Fructis induced fit of love was, it could
only last so long. In fact, very soon, our beloved captains were going to
face several atrocities that would take all of their nautical and
military training to overcome. (In case you were wondering, yes, they
were still continuing their one hour a day each of ship learning and
sword-fighting.)
In a brief respite from being ravaged like bears, only not so harmful,
the two captains were resting and enjoying themselves in the best ways.
They were occasionally joined by the crew, except for Arthur, Aragorn and
Sinbad, who were all on duty.
Rachael was designing a webpage, and Emily was practicing ballet en
Pointe, and with help from Orlando and Oliver, she was now doing a lovely
pas de deux trio thing.
However, before anyone got too far into their activities, there was a
cry from Sinbad in the crow's nest, where he was keeping look out.
"My ladies!" he called, "There's a storm brewing off the port side!"
(For some reason, maybe because there wasn't a song written about it,
off the port bow doesn't sound as good.)
The ladies looked up from their activities and took the glass thing
which since no one will tell me what it's really called will henceforth
"the Turban of Surban" and will also be transformed into a turban. What?!
You don't want to wear the Turban of Surban?! TOO BAD!!
Um.where was I? Oh yes.
The girls looked up from their activities and took up the Turban of
Surban. Emily put it on first, because she is the one invented the Turban
of Surban.
"Ah, that does look bad," said Emmy, handing the Turban to Rach, who
nodded, agreeing, and then handed it to Aragorn and Orlando, who have
some how become like the main saily people. I don't know how that
happened.it just did.
"Well-batten down the hatches!!" cried Emily, "Let's get ready for
this storm!"
. . .Sorry had to go attend to things. I'm back now. (Ah- lovely heat
therapy patch! Don't you want to come and live with me forever?)
The crew shouted, "Aye captains!" and ran away to start doing things
to prepare for the storm.
Emily and Rachie went to go prepare for the storm by first changing
out of their dance leotards and PJs into their serviceable whatevers that
they had bought for the sailing extravaganza.
"Hmm, I think this is the first time we've worn these," commented
Rachael as she tied her drawstring pants.
"They are quite serviceable and comfortable, too," commented Emily.
Then they rushed out to help prepare. Despite their precautions, the
storm was still frightfully bad, raging for three days and three nights.
(I hate it when people say that. Like it stopped conveniently after
sunset?) Everyone spent all their time checking the sails, helping steer
and manning the pumps to make sure they didn't take on too much water.
When they got too exhausted, they were allowed an hour to sleep and rest.
But as soon as their hour was up, they had to report back to the jobs
that were waiting for them. Emily even had to brave her fear off heights
and climb into the rigging to cut away a loose sail.
Finally, the storm subsided. The crew, exhausted, all fell into a big
heap in the middle of the deck and slept there, but not until after the
captains assigned an hour's watch each.
After everyone had slept their fill, they got up and started examining
the S.S. Claire. Their captains had already been up for quite sometime,
and were busy examining the damage.
Orlando walked up to Emily, who was looking at the mast.
"What do you think, milady?" asked Orly.
"Well, the mast didn't break," she commented.
"Excuse me?" Orlando was confused.
"The mast didn't break," said Emily again, and then turning and
realizing he was looking at her blankly still, she elaborated, "In all
the worst storms you read about, the mast breaks. So, we're really
lucky."
"Er, yes," agreed Orly, still somewhat confused.
Just then Rachael returned from below deck, where she had been
inspecting the ship for damage.
"I've made a list of all the things we need so we can repair the
ship," said Rachie.
"Excellent," said Emily, "Next port we see, we'll stop and repair."
As the crew went about their merry ways, Emily turned to Rachael and
said, "I think it's time we had the Yayas on for a visit."
"Excellent idea!" agreed Rachael, "But we'd better write now, so Lan
can come. You know how her mom is."
"True," said Emily, and they walked off to make plans for the
reuniting of the Yayas.
* * * * *
A few days later, they sailed in to port. Once again, Emily and
Rachael were armed with Nerf foam bats, in case any port floozies (you
can tell they're a floozy if you can see their knees) or any other girls
got any ideas. The men felt better just knowing that the girls were
prepared.
"All right, men," said Rachael, "We've got to shop, restock, and all
that jazz before three o'clock because that's when we're meeting Teensy
and Necie, understand?"
The men nodded, and Emily continued, "We're going to break up into
teams and then meet back here at three o'clock, all right?"
The men nodded again, and Emily read off the list of who was with
whom. Aragorn, Ian, Pippin, Sinbad, and Johnny went with Rachael to
restock; and Elijah, Dominic, Oliver, Arthur, and Orlando went with Emily
to get the things to repair the ship.
They met back at three o'clock as agreed, and there the crew met the
rest of the Yayas. Both Tamela (Teensy) and Lan (Necie) were
flabbergasted at the hotness of the crew. I mean, they had heard rumours,
but who is really prepared for all that hotness in one place? No one.
So the two came aboard with the crew and spent the evening adjusting
to the hotness by lying on lawn chairs and drinking the Yayas favourite
drink, "Your Pants," which came about when Rachael kept spilling her Coke
on my pants when we were driving and eating at Sonic.
Meanwhile, the captains and the crew made the repairs to the ship. And
by the way, when I say the captains were repairing things what I mean is
the captains were watching the crew do things, yelling encouragement,
fixing the crew drinks, and crocheting. Well, Emily was crocheting;
Rachael was holding the yarn and unraveling it when necessary.
And thus they passed a pleasant evening, not knowing the horrors about
to befall them.
* * * * *
Part II: The Adventures of the Yayas and the Figgy Brigands
As I said before, the crew and the girls were passing a pleasant
evening, but before too long the Yayas were all tired and insisted that,
as much as they'd like to stay and help coil rope, they really can't,
because...well, they weren't really sure why, but they couldn't.
So the captains bade the crew good-night (with large, sloppy, childish
kisses), shyly followed by Lan and Tama, who quickly kissed them on the
cheek, before giggling and running away.
Later on that night, Pippin, Dom, Oliver, and Orly were on duty, while
all the other crew was asleep or making presents for the captains. (Hey,
why not?)
Pippin was up with Orly at the wheel and was supposedly on duty. But
we all know that Pippin is sometimes - er - less than observant. So he
was almost drifting off to sleep against a random barrel (perhaps placed
there just for that reason), when he heard a bit of a scrambling noise
towards the main mast. At first he thought he had merely imagined it, but
then he heard it again.
"Um, Orlando, did you hear that?" Pippin asked.
Orlando looked up from the wheel, and asked, "Hear what?"
"That noise over near the mast? There it is again!" exclaimed Pippin,
pointing to the mast, where they saw a dark shape scrambling up the mast,
or so it appeared.
Orlando was instantly on full alert.
"Pippin, go wake the rest of the crew," he commanded, and Pippin
scampered off silently as only hobbits can do.
Within a few minutes, the crew had all gathered around the wheel and were
holding a whispered conference.
"So, what's going on?" asked Johnny.
"Pippin and I both heard something and saw something climbing up the
mast, we think," whispered Orlando.
"You think?" asked Aragorn.
"It was dark, it was hard to see very well," explained Orlando, but
suddenly there was another scramble noise and a large "bump" as something
hit the deck.
Everyone whirled around, looking for the source of the sound. They saw
a bucket rolling down the deck.
"That's it," said Sinbad, "We definitely have intruders!"
"All right men, we've got to go into stealth mode," whispered Aragorn,
"Someone's got to keep an eye on the mast and make sure they don't
escape. The rest of us will arm up and then we'll take on the intruders."
"But what about the captains?" asked Arthur, "They might be after
them, and their friends!"
All the crew gasped in HORROR, as realization dawned on them.
"Of course!" whispered Ian, "They're going to kidnap the captains!"
"Right," said Aragorn, "Sinbad and Johnny, you go and guard the
captains' room."
"Should we wake them up?" asked Johnny.
"Nah, let's not worry them unless it's absolutely necessary!" said
Aragorn, "Oliver, you guard the mast, the rest of us will get cracking!"
The men all nodded and did some sort of "male-bonding, let's go get
'em" type of thing, and broke off to do their respective jobs.
Johnny and Sinbad hurried off to the captains' quarters and took out
their swords.
"Perhaps we should check on them?" asked Sinbad.
"Couldn't hurt," agreed Johnny, and they quietly opened the door. When
they looked inside, they gasped in HORROR at what they saw there.
* * * * *
Meanwhile, Aragorn, Arthur, Dom, and Elijah were grabbing swords and pistols for the crew; Orlando was still steering and with him were Sir Ian and Pippin, keeping an eye out for other movement.
The group retrieving the weapons had just emerged from below deck, when Johnny came running.
"Johnny! You're supposed to be guarding the captains' quarters!" exclaimed Dom, who saw him coming.
"That's just it!" exclaimed Johnny, "The cretins have already struck! The captains are gone!"
"WHAT?!" shouted everyone, then they instantly started shushing each other for being so loud.
"Well, there's nothing to do but to do it," said Arthur, "I'll go get the others."
Arthur went after Sir Ian, Pippin, and Orlando; while Johnny went for Sinbad. Soon they were all gathered at the base of the mast.
"Ready, men?" asked Aragorn, rhetorically, "Remember, don't shoot unless you must, we don't want to hurt the ladies."
Everyone nodded agreement, and then turned to Oliver for his report.
"There seems to be at least four dark shapes up there, but I can't tell for sure in this light," he said, "and no sign of the captains either."
The crew nodded and did another one of those "male-bonding, let's go get 'em" type of things, and then started climbing silently into the rigging, armed with a sword and pistol each.
As they approached the crow's nest, they heard maniacal giggling.
"Maybe you should speak to them," whispered Orlando to Sir Ian, "See if you can reason with them."
Sir Ian nodded, and looked to see if everyone else was ready, and at their signal, he cleared his throat.
"Uh- excuse me?" he called, mentally berating himself for not thinking of something better to say.
"Uh- excuse me?" someone said back to him, in a voice that sounded like a cross between Cookie Monster and Kermit the Frog, and henceforth will be referred to as the "Figgy Voice."
Sir Ian looked at the others, confused, but then continued, even more unsure of himself, "Er- we came to barter for the return of our captains?"
"And all you can say is 'Uh- excuse me?'" enquired the Figgy Voice.
"Yeah, well - er, who are you?" asked Sir Ian.
"WE ARE THE FIGGY BRIGANDS!" chorused a group of Figgy Voices.
"Well, Figgy Brigands, will you give us our captains back, please? We're very fond of them."
"Lalalalala!" sang the first Figgy Voice, "What'll you give us?"
"Er...umm..." all of the crew looked at each other, thinking.
"Clearly this is never going to work," said the Figgy Voice, in disgust, "We'd better just name our ransom. Hang on a sec!"
The crew politely waited until the Figgy Voice began speaking again.
"We name for the ransom..." the Voice paused, and the crew held their breath, "One Snuffleufagus."
"But- but we don't have a Snuffleufagus!" exclaimed Sir Ian, as the crew exchanged bewildered looks, "We don't even know where to find one!"
"TOO BAD!" cackled the Figgy Brigands, before the Voice continued, "It's all right, 'cause we already threw your captains overboard!"
"YOU LIE!" cried out a few of the crew, while the others sat in shock and horror.
"NOPE!" chorused the Figgy Brigands again, "NOW, GET US SOME FIGGY NEWTONS!"
Some of the crew looked like they were about to break down, and others looked furious, but none of them looked inclined to scamper down to the galley for some Figgy Newtons. Looking around and seeing that was the general consensus of the crew, Sir Ian continued angrily, "We will avenge our beloved captains!"
"Well, all right, but I warn you, we are armed with dart guns, and if you're hit, you'll faint like a girl!" called out the Figgy Voice.
Some of the crew blanched at this, but quickly regained their resolution after thinking about the captains mercilessly shoved overboard.
"OPEN FIRE!" called Aragorn, and suddenly there was a fury of bullets and darts flying through the air. They fought heavily for a few moments, and a few of the crew were hit with darts, and fainted with a girly sigh, but luckily did not fall to the deck.
"OW!" exclaimed a familiar voice, as someone shot at one of the Figgy Brigands, "Someone shot my hat!"
Orlando, who was closest to the crow's nest hideout of the Figgy Brigands, instantly recognized the voice and the large red hat with the black veil.
"Miss Lan?" asked Orlando, quietly.
The member of the Figgy Brigands, realizing that she had forgotten her Figgy persona, instantly repeated herself in the correct voice, "I mean, OW! Someone shot my hat!"
But it was too late.
"HOLD YOUR FIRE!" shouted Orly, and the crew reluctantly obeyed.
"Miss Lan? Miss Tamela? Captains? Is that you?" asked Orlando.
There was a collective disappointed sigh, and they heard a lantern being lit. (It sounds different from any other thing being lighted, I promise.) The Figgy Brigands stood resigned and held up their lantern so the crew could see who it was.
Rachael, Emily, Lan, and Tamela stood in the crow's nest.
"My ladies!" exclaimed everyone, "We thought you were dead."
"Nah," explained Rachael, "We were just practicing our sneaking out. We would have won too, if it weren't for Lan forgetting her Figgy voice."
(Emily is THE Figgy Voice aka the Figgy King, all the other Figgy Brigands just has a Figgy voice.)
The other Yayas immediately turned to Lan, and said, "Skank."
"They shot my hat!" exclaimed Lan, apparently unashamed.
The others rolled their eyes, as Sir Ian spoke again.
"I'm confused," he said, "The Figgy Brigands said they threw you overboard."
"But the Figgy Brigands aren't real," explained Tama.
"Oh, yes, they were just here, shooting at us! You must remember them, they were the ones who threw you overboard! Or maybe you were still asleep? Anyway, the Figgy Brigands were here and we tried to rescue you, but they said they threw you overboard-" Sir Ian was rambling.
Emily reached out from the crow's nest to touch him lightly on the arm.
"Look, is this going to be like your 'there's no water' thing?" she asked.
"Uh..."
"Look, the Figgy Brigands are us; they are one of our alter-egos. We were pretending to be them so we could practice our sneaking technique." continued Emily.
Sir Ian still looked confused, but they gave him a moment, and then they saw realization dawn over him.
"But why did you shoot us?" he asked.
"You shot us too," countered Emily, "and we didn't even use real bullets."
The crew looked abashed, realizing that they had indeed been firing on their own captains. They started to apologize, but the captains cut them off.
"It's okay," they said, "But next time, make sure you know who you're shooting at."
They then helped get the men who had fainted (Elijah, Oliver and Dominic) back down to the deck, explaining that the stuff they used in the darts didn't last long, and that they should wake up soon.
"You said that the Figgy Brigands were one of your alter egos," commented Orlando to Emily later, "Do you have more?"
"Oh yes," said Emily, nonchalantly, "We've got hundreds combined."
"Should we be worried about this?" he asked.
"Oh no, none of them are really dangerous," commented Emily, but before she could make further comment, Elijah, Oliver and Dom woke up and were so upset about the captains' apparent death that it took awhile to calm them down enough to actually explain what had happened, and even after they had to spend the night with the captains (and the Yayas, I guess), to reassure them.
* * * * *
Part III: The Alter Ego Pirates
Everyone felt rather inclined to sit around and be lazy the next day, after the late night they'd had before. So everyone was lazing around on deck, waiting for something exciting to happen.
Now, as the case would have it, you never have to make something exciting happen with our beloved captains and the other Yayas, and seldom have to wait too long for something of the exciting nature to occur, and this case was no different.
They had been lazing about the deck for about an hour before Pippin spotted the other ships' sails. He had been sitting in the rigging and soon saw billowing sails on the horizon. He quickly scampered down to inform the captains.
"Miladies," he said, "I hate to bother you but there are ships spotted on the western horizon."
"Thank you, baby," said Rachael, while Lanny leered lecherously at the man-hobbit who was just her size.
Sadly, Emily and Rachael could not protect him, because they had just gone to don the Turban of Surban, and were looking at the ships.
"There appear to be three ships," said Emily, and before any of the crew could prevent it, she and Rachael began doing Jeannie and Alison's "I Saw Three Ships Come Sailing In" dance while singing the above named song.
When they had recovered from their bout of Christmas singing, Emily handed the Turban of Surban to Rach.
"Well, they don't appear to be unfriendly," said Rachael, looking at their flags, but suddenly she jumped up and began racing for the mast, and climbed, followed by Tamela and Lan. (Emily stayed behind because she is afraid of heights and she'd had far too many trips into the rigging in the past couple of days.)
Once in the crow's nest, Rachael and the other Yayas apparently spotted something of interest by the way they were waving the arms and trying to shout something. Emily and the crew on the deck, however, could not understand anything they were saying.
"I can't understand you!" yelled Emily up to the crow's nest.
Rach, Tama, and Lansama clearly saw that Emily was yelling something (they saw her mouth move), but couldn't hear her.
"We can't hear you!" yelled Rachael, back to Emily.
Emily saw her yell, but the wind swept away her words.
"I COULDN'T HEAR YOU!" she yelled back, "TALK LOUDER!"
Rachael could actually hear Emily this time, but couldn't actually discern what she was saying.
"WHAT?" yelled Rachael, "SPEAK LOUDER!"
Emily couldn't hear her, and was about to yell again when Rachael made a "hang on one second" look, and Emily waited.
Within a moment, she heard a beeping noise come from somewhere around her waist. It took a moment to realize her $5 Dollar General walkie-talkie was being paged.
"Hallo," she said into the mouth piece.
"Hiyas!" she heard Rachael's voice say.
"HIYAS!" shouted Emily, who was, according to the crew, far too excited about talking to Rachael, whom she had just spoken to a moment ago. "I thought these only had a five-foot range?" continued Emily.
"Yeah, but...um, they don't anymore," said Rachael, somewhat confused, before continuing, "Anyway, how are you doing?"
"Well, I'm just fine, I was thinking about making some pancakes, how would you like that?"
"Well, that sounds great!" exclaimed Rachael, "But let me ask the others."
"Okies!"
Emily sat waiting patiently, until Rachael came back on, saying "They said they love that!"
Emily looked up to see Tama and Lan waving excitedly.
"Well, I'll just go get started," said Emily, starting to go, before Arthur stopped her.
"Aren't you going to find out what she saw of those ships?" he asked.
Emily thought, trying to remember what he was talking about, then suddenly she remembered the other ships.
"OH YEAH!" she exclaimed, and she turned the walkie-talkie back on, "Hey Rach, what about those ships?"
She looked up, and the gathered crew could tell Rachael was taking a moment to think about what Emily had said, and she even consulted Tama and Lanny.
"OH!" they heard her exclaim, "THOSE SHIPS!"
"Yeah," Emily said, "So what about them?"
"Oh, they're pirate ships, and they're sailing this way."
"Oh, OK."
It took exactly 2.3 seconds for this news to sink in to both captains, before they started screaming; Rachael in random craziness, and Emily was yelling at her and the Yayas to get down.
Finally, Rachael regained her senses with a little help from Lan, ("That SKANK smacked me!") and they scrambled down the rigging onto the deck.
"What do we do?" Emily asked Rachael, when she got down.
"HOW THE HECK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?" yelled Rachael, frantically. Lan smacked her again, and Rachael turned to smack her again, but Tamela intervened by walloping Lan over the head with a pillow, and henceforth breaking out a Tama-Lanny fight, and getting them out of everyone's hair.
"I repeat, how the heck am I supposed to know what to do?" said Rachie, a bit calmer, "You're the one who reads all the books, and knows the difference between 'tactics' and 'strategy!'"
"True," thought Emily, considering, "All right, I'll take charge."
She turned to the crew, and began yelling, "ROLL OUT THE GUNS, YOU MEN!" The group rushed off to do her bidding, "GET OUT THE WEAPONS! ARM EVERYONE!"
She went up to Orlando who was the only one left, "Remind me to get a quartermaster later." He nodded, before she continued, "Right, well, we're going to go dress accordingly, you keep an eye on everything, and you're in charge until we get back."
Orlando nodded, and ran off to help Pippin move one of the huge guns. The Yayas ran off to their cabins to get dressed.
Orlando didn't notice their return right away, because he was occupied with loading the guns and keeping an eye on the approaching pirates. However, it didn't take long to notice the men's distraction. Wheeling around, he glanced back. Seeing the Yayas' attire, he sighed, and yelled, "BACK TO WORK, MEN!" As the men returned to their job, he walked over to the girls.
They were all wearing prom dresses of identical style, in their individual colours. (Rach and Emmy, of course, were wearing blue and green, respectively. Lan had purple and Tama had...well, yellow is her original colour...but she somehow chose pink instead, so I guess just this once she can wear pink.) All had thin spaghetti straps, very - no - extremely heavily beaded bodices, and hugely poufy skirts.
"Er-my ladies?" started Orly, awkwardly, "You know that normally you indulge in your crazy whims and I make no comment?"
The ladies nodded, unabashed.
"Well, this time, I may have to," he said, cringing, but at their nod, he continued, "As beautiful as you look - and really, you look fabulous- ...this is really no time to be wearing prom dresses."
To his amazement, they merely started laughing.
"Oh, Orly," laughed Emily, "You're so silly! These aren't just any prom dresses! These are armoured prom dresses! They're protection!"
Orly looked confused, but Tama explained further, "They're beaded so heavily that nothing can pass through them!"
Orly eyed the beads, but the pirates were approaching fast, so he made no further comment and followed Emily's directions.
Each of the guns were manned, and the pirates had sailed up until they were lined up with the S.S. Claire, but a good ways off.
"Ready, men?" Emily called.
"Aye-aye, ma'am!" yelled the crew.
Emily was about to yell the order to fire, when suddenly with a load blast, one of the pirate ships fired at them.
"Watch out, men!" yelled Rachael, preparing to duck.
But flying through the air was not a cannonball, but something brightly coloured...?
SPLAT.
Everything and everyone was covered in sea foam green paint.
"What?" everyone exclaimed, but they were cut off as another shot from a different ship brought a rain of...blood? No, it was just red paint.
Finally, Emily regained her composure, and yelled, "FIRE ONE!" With that, the crew at the first gun (Orly, Aragorn, Elijah) fired a cannon at the opposing ships.
Just after they shot, a large amount of azure blue paint flung itself at the S.S. Claire, so they couldn't tell if they had hit anything or not. After everyone wiped the paint from their eyes, they saw smoke rising from the second ship, so they assumed they had hit it.
"FIRE TWO AND THREE!" yelled Emily, as Lan and Rach got out a roll of paper towels and started dabbing paint off of all the Yayas.
Another hit before another rain of sea foam hit them. Emily followed that with shots from Four and One, (There are four guns per side.) which was followed by a rain of both red and blue, so now everyone was an interesting shade of purple, with sea foam highlights.
Another shot from Two and Three, and a return fire of sea foam, red and azure. After that, the pirate guns were still.
Emily hopped up onto a barrel and peered out. The second pirate ship was damaged rather badly, and the third had at least one hole in the sides. The main ship, however, seemed relatively unharmed, but there seemed to be a scurrying of action on the deck.
The crew of S.S. Claire waited apprehensively, but looked relieved as the main ship ran up a white flag.
"Phew," sighed Emily, relieved that she had won her first battle.
"Uh, milady, I wouldn't be so relieved yet," said Sinbad, pointing at the longboat that was rowing their way.
"But they ran up a white flag!" exclaimed Sir Ian, "They can't attack!"
"Uh, they're pirates," said Johnny, "They can do whatever they want."
"True," said everyone.
They waited until the long boat was right near the S.S. Claire, and they heard a call.
"Request permission to board, captain!" came the call.
Emily signaled to Pippin, who ran to the deck, and cautiously peered over.
"There's only seven people in there," he said, doubtfully.
"And they won't all come aboard," added the voice from the long boat.
"You never let us go anywhere!" called a melancholy voice.
"Shut up," said the first voice.
Emily shrugged, and called out, "Yeah, sure."
Within a few moments, there were four women aboard. The crew was making interesting faces, as they looked very familiar, but they were slightly distracted as the smallest of them, a Vietnamese girl of small stature, started running towards the Yayas.
The crew of the S.S. Claire jumped in front the Yayas, swords drawn, and the other three pirate women shoved the little pirate girl down.
"Lyra, you skank!" exclaimed the other three. "They blew holes in my ship!" she said by way of explanation. Then one of the three stepped forward, as the others held onto the short girl.
"Hey! You stole my outfit!" exclaimed Johnny. (And he meant that figuratively, not literally, as nice as that would be.)
The woman shrugged, saying, "You have good taste." Then she turned to the captains of the hot ship.
"We come to barter with you," said the girl, at whom the crew had resumed staring, because she did look so very familiar.
"Barter for what?" asked Emily, confused.
"For some of your hot men," said the woman.
Emily scoffed, making the slightly panicked crew feel better, as she said, "In exchange for what?"
"In exchange for the cessation of hostilities and damage to your ship."
All the crew took a break from staring at the pirates to burst out laughing.
"What?" exclaimed the leader, "What are you laughing at?"
"I'm sorry," said Rachael, who was trying not to laugh, "but yall used paint."
"So?" asked the girl.
"Well, I mean, it's paint," continued Rach.
"Yeah, well, doesn't everybody use paint?" asked the leader.
"Er- no, most people use cannonballs and the like," said Rachael.
"I wondered why you were using those!" the girl exclaimed, "Lots of nasty holes in my ships!"
She turned and glared at another girl in a peasant's dress, who was a light brunette with purple eyes, and quite busty.
"I told you we should have done more research!" exclaimed the leader.
The other girl shrugged, and said, "How was I supposed to know? I'm a skank!"
"THAT'S IT!" exclaimed Elijah, scaring everyone.
"What?" asked everyone.
"I knew I recognized you!" he said to the pirates. The rest of the crew clamored for him to tell them who it was, because they couldn't figure it out.
"You look like them!" he exclaimed, pointing to the Yayas, who hadn't been paying attention, and instead were wiping paint off of each other. They looked up startled as the attention focused on them.
All the crew started chorusing things like, "That's it!" and "I knew they looked like someone!"
"Oh! I recognize yall now," said Emily, "You're our alter ego pirates!"
"Oh, yeah, we are," said the leader, "Allow us to introduce ourselves."
"This is Captain Olivia Newton John," she said pointing to the red- headed girl who looked like Rachie, "of The Adjective Noun."
"Captain Lyra Crackwhore," she continued, cracking up at the word 'crackwhore,' and pointing to the Vietnamese girl, "of The Bloody Lily."
"Olivia's first mate, Trish 'Anti'Slut," she said pointing to the busty brunette, who looked like Tama, only skankier.
"And the only first mate allowed to come aboard," said a sulky voice from the long boat.
The leader sighed. "In the boat we have my first mate, Melancholy Pingdy-Pong, Lyra's first mate One-Eyed-Left-Foot-Willie, and her second mate, Ped O. Phile." She then lowered her voice as she added, "If you have any children aboard, I'd keep them hidden until we leave."
"OH! And I'm Captain Miranda Silver," she continued, "of The Surly Mermaid, and captain of the fleet."
"Then shouldn't we call you 'Commodore?'" asked Emily.
"Yeah, technically," said Cpt. Miranda, "but 'Commodore' makes me think of a big, ugly bird."
Before the others could comment, she continued, "Anyway, how about that battering?"
"Yeah, well you didn't exactly 'damage' our ship," said Rachael, "I mean, you did just use paint."
"Yeah, but now your deck is covered in paint, and it's not even all the same colour," said Cpt. Silver.
Everyone looked around and sure enough the deck was covered with sea foam, azure, and red paint, which was quickly drying in the sunlight.
"She's got a point," said Emily, "I mean, look at the sails!"
(Insert mental image of deep green and blue sails hideously splattered in sea foam, azure, and red paint.)
"But Emmy," Rachael started to say, "I mean, it's nothing we can't fix-"
Emily quickly shushed her, and took out her walkie-talkie to tell her, "I've got a plan, and it's a good one."
She then turned back to the Captain. "All right, I see your point, we'll give you a hot guy in exchange for the cessation of hostilities and damage to our ship. Here are my terms: once we give you the hot guy, you must never attack us again, you nor any others of your fleet. And I get to choose the hot guy."
The crew was hissing at Emily, "What are you thinking?" and desperately hoping that they personally hadn't said anything to offend her lately.
Captain Miranda Silver seemed to be considering. She glanced back at her crew, and they nodded.
"All right, we accept."
The crew groaned, but Emily silenced them with a glare.
"All right, I'll just go get your ga- I mean hot guy." Emily walked, surprisingly, away from the hot crew, and towards the rail.
"OH WALLIGATOR!" she called.
The Yayas instantly discerned the brilliantness of Emily's plan. Everyone else just looked confused. Soon they heard a splashing off the port side.
"There's a good Walligator, now come aboard," called Emmy.
Pretty soon a tall, hot guy with brownish-blonde hair crawled over the side, clutching a huge alligator floaty toy. The Yayas ran over to try and squeeze his skin flap, but he fended them off with blows to the nanas, and they backed off whimpering.
"Here's your hot guy," said Emily cheerfully, but noting with alarm that Sir Ian was inching near to the Walligator.
"Him?" called Sir Ian, "but he's g-"
"Good-lookin' - I know!" exclaimed Emily quickly, then glaring at Sir Ian, while hissing, "Would you shut up? And remember you're converted!"
Captain Miranda Silver, Captain Olivia Newton John, Captain Lyra Crackwhore, and First Mate Trisha "Anti"Slut walked over to observe the Walligator. Apparently satisfied with his hotness, Cpt. Miranda looked back at Emily, and nodded.
"He'll do," she said, "Nice doing business with you!"
She, the other captains/ first mate, and the Walligator walked back over and got into their long boat and rowed away.
"Emmy, you're a genius!" exclaimed Lan.
"I know," said Emmy, modestly.
"But I don't get it," said Oliver.
"That was the only way I could get rid of them and keep all of you. Besides, we'll be miles away by the time they figure out he's gay," explained Emily, with an evil grin.
At this, everyone exclaimed joyously and crowded around Emily to celebrate. (Although Sir Ian was looking a little done that he didn't even get to officially meet the Walligator.) They then started getting the ship back in order, and getting rid of that wretched paint.
* * * * *
Authoress' Notes: Well, at the expense of my "good looks" and well-being, I
have finally got this chapter up. (*looks at self in mirror, and sighs, resigned*) I'm sorry it took me so long to write this, but as you can see it is quite a whopper of a chapter so hopefully it is worth it. Also you
should feel grateful because I decided to cut out a part and put it in later, when the Hot Ship is closer to France. You're welcome, everybody! Anyway, I love yall, and please keep reviewing and writing! (If you review, I'll give you a present in the next chapter!...What? I am definitely NOT bribing you, so SHUT UP!...Did I mention I love you? 'Cause I do!) Anyway,
hope you enjoy! Love as always!