Just a Reminder: The only things I own in this story are among the
following: the characters Emily, Rachael, Lan, and Tamela (but the only I
actually person of those I own is myself); the Figgy Brigands, their leader
the Figgy King, the drink "Your Pants" (no, I still haven't figured out
what it actually is), the good ship the S.S. Claire, and AntiPaint.
Everyone else belongs to themselves or to their respective authors, movies,
etc. Thanks!
Chapter Nine: The Attack of the Snails and Why Heaven is A Heat Therapy
Patch
A few days later, Tamela and Lan decided that, as much as they loved (and I mean really loved) the hot ship, they had to go home. (Or maybe the captains decided that for them?) So, they bade a tearful goodbye...oh yeah, and they said good-bye to the captains too, and were dropped off at port.
For the next week or so, the crew sailed happily. Èomer, Haldir, Legolas, Wesley, Frank and James settled in happily, and the crew was happy to have more hands because it meant more time off, and the captains were always happy to have more hot men, so on the whole everyone was happy.
However, one day, the captains did not get up on time. Now, normally, they didn't awake until after eleven at the earliest, but this day it was after two-thirty, and none of the crew had seen neither sight nor sound of them, and they were starting to get worried.
As the cloak approached three o'clock, Aragorn made a very important decision.
"Pippin," he called the hobbit over to him, "I want you to go check on the captains. Just make sure they're OK, and ask if they want anything, all right?"
Pippin agreed, hoping it would result in extra kisses for him again, which was always appreciated. He scampered down to the captains' quarters and knocked on their door. He heard a murmured reply, which he took to mean enter. So he did.
Upon reflecting later, he really wished he hadn't.
He entered the room, which was completely pitch black and noiseless. Shutting the door behind him, his eyes adjusted until he could just make out two dark shapes curled in the bed.
"Um, my ladies?" he ventured, cautiously, "I came to check on you, the whole crew is worried about you."
At this, he thought he heard the forms in the bed stir, and certainly he heard them moaning and crying as if in pain.
"Er- my ladies, are you all right?" he asked, getting nervous now.
There was another few moments of silence before Pippin heard Rachael speak in a Gollum voice.
"Why doessss it cry, Emeágol?" inquired the voice. (Shut up, you try and come up with a Smeágol-based nickname for the name "Emily" on such short notice.)
"It'sss that time again, preciousss, and cruel snailssss hurts ussss," replied Smeágol-Emily.
"I told you they wasss tricksy, I told you they'd come again..." said Gollum-Rachael.
Pippin was now thoroughly confused.
"Sssso much pain, and all becausssse we're on our..." whispered the two voices, trailing off.
"What? What are you on?" enquired Pippin.
Again, upon receiving his answer, he wished he hadn't.
Smeágol-Emily and Gollum-Rachael sat up in bed, turning on their respective lights. Their faces held a HORROR as Pippin had never seen the likes of before. And all because they were in their...
"OUR PERIODS!" yelled the captains, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
* * * * *
When Pippin exited the captains quarters a few moments later, he was exceptionally pale. All the crew hurried forward to hear the news.
"What, what is it Pippin?" asked Sir Ian, kindly, trying to calm the hobbit.
Pippin shook his head, trying to clear his head of the HORROR of it all.
"Come on, Pip," coaxed Dom, "You can tell us."
Again, Pippin shook his head, clearly terrorized.
No matter of coaxing or pleading would make Pippin reveal the horrors within the Captains' Quarters. Finally, Aragorn took the matter into his own hands.
"That's it, I'm going in."
"Aragorn, be careful," cautioned Legolas.
"I will," he said firmly, "If I don't return, Orlando and Èomer are in charge."
With that, he walked briskly into the captains' quarters, leaving the frightened crew behind him. While they waited, Elijah got Pippin a cool drink and a cold washcloth for his head, but, as only Pippin knew what lay inside the chamber, only he could understand the terror of Aragorn.
When Aragorn returned, he too was blanched paler than any had ever seen him. He was visibly shaking, and it took him a moment to recover.
"What is it?" cried the crew, rushing forward, in fear not only of Aragorn, but also of the HORROR having befallen their beloved captains.
Aragorn took a deep, shaky breathe, before continuing, slowly, "Gentlemen, we have a Code Red." (AHAHA- THE IRONY!)
The men all gasped, now truly understanding the HORROR of the situation.
"Right, well you all know your jobs," Aragorn continued, "Let's get to it men, we've got quite a lot of preparation ahead of us."
* * * * *
A few hours later, Aragorn surveyed the deck with pride. Everything was set up appropriately for a Code Red. First of all, there was a huge, comfortable, couch in the middle of the deck, across from which was a huge screen TV. Someone had figured out how to program it to where it only showed "A Baby Story" "A Wedding Story" "The Sound of Music" (there's something very soothing about Julie Andrews), and sappy love movies like "The Wedding Planner."
Pippin, Dominic and Sir Ian had been busy all afternoon in the kitchen, cooking large and vast amounts of chocolate, and also comfort food like barbeque, mashed potatoes, you get the picture. But mostly they made chocolate: brownies (Jeannie-style), fudge, caramels, you name it-they made it.
Aragorn had commissioned James Bond and Èomer to go to the nearest port to buy packages upon packages of the softest tissues and many, many boxes of Midol. They had just returned and the whole crew was finishing stowing them below.
"All right, good work, men!" called Aragorn, "Now all we have to do is sit and wait."
Wait they did and it was only an hour before the captains emerged. The girls were wearing their respective pirate shirts and pajama bottoms with big slippers. Each was accompanied by their respective bedtime animal, Sleepy Bear for Rachael and Samuel the Dog for Emily.
They wandered over to the huge couch, as if they expected it to be there. The crew waited apprehensively. Pippin, working up his courage, quietly took a tray of chocolate over to the couch and laid it on the arm. Orlando took up the remote control and quietly turned on the TV to the opening strains of the Sound of Music. The girls relaxed considerably and began eating chocolate.
The men felt quite relieved and quietly went around their duties, occasionally checking in on the captains. Pippin and Sir Ian kept the tray of chocolate refilled and all passed quietly until the sun began to go down.
Wesley and Frank began wheeling out a cart of food to be served to the captains. Aragorn and Elijah helped served. Soon, the captains spoke for the first time that day.
"Thank you, baby," said Emily, taking a tray of mashed potatoes and the good rolls from Elijah.
Elijah just bowed his head.
"This food looks fantastic," commented Rachael, taking the tray of shrimp and BBQ ribs from Aragorn, "Who made all this?"
Sir Ian, Dominic, and Pippin stepped forth, looking proud.
"You?" said the captains, faintly, "You made all this..." they looked at each other, "For us?"
The three nodded again, but were quite aghast at the captains' reaction. They instantly burst into tears.
"I can't believe you worked so hard, just for us!" sobbed Emily.
"The food is so good!" agreed Rachael, crying heavily.
Sir Ian, Pippin and Dominic looked quite startled and as if they had done something wrong, but Aragorn raised a hand to stop them from freaking out.
Instead, he took two boxes of tissues and handed them to the girls, who sobbingly thanked him. They then insisted on kissing each and every member of the crew, thanking them and bawling the whole time.
Matters didn't improve much. Aragorn had explained to everyone that the girls just had crazy hormone fluctuations right then, and that they would be ok soon, but no one, even Aragorn, was prepared for how much crying occurred.
The girls sobbed all the way through their dinner and through the end of "The Sound of Music." As the men cleared their plates, and provided them with more chocolate, the girls seemed to calm down. They had curled back up on the huge couch and were waiting for the next thing to come on.
Fifteen minutes later, the men were back out, providing tissues again.
"It's so beautiful!" exclaimed Emily through her tears.
"Such a touching story!" sobbed Rachael.
That's right, kids, "A Wedding Story" was on, and the girls were touched at the beauty, the love story, and they really, really wanted to get married-right away.
Johnny and Arthur groaned as Haldir read out loud to them from "That Time of the Month" TV Guide: "A Wedding Story" was on two more times, at which point it was followed by three episodes of "A Baby Story."
It wasn't until late that night, after those shows had stopped and "The Princess Diaries" *staring Julie Andrews* came on, that the girls calmed down enough to stop crying. They lolled around in bed, moaning, eating chocolate and watching the movie. Eventually, they fell asleep.
The men sighed with relief, and began preparing for the next day. They knew-or thought they knew- that things couldn't get any worse.
. . . (*say it with me, now*)
They were sooooooooo wrong.
The girls awoke at about ten-thirty that morning, moaning and crying with pain. Oliver made the mistake of asking them how they felt.
"Do you ever have the feeling where you'd like to RIP OUT YOUR UTERUS WITH YOUR BARE HANDS?" they yelled.
"Er...no," he replied, timidly.
"WELL THAT'S HOW WE FEEL!"
The men supplied them with endless amount of Midol, and kept their chocolate intake levels very high. It was to no avail.
It seemed to be about one o'clock when their cramps(and henceforth all the yelling) subsided. The TV was turned on and lunch was served-the girls again being moved by their preparations, although not to the point of hysterical sobbing-yet.
They made it through the afternoon without too much trouble. It wasn't until "Where the Heart Is" came on that they knew they were in for another rough night. The girls' tears came quietly at first, but as sadder things progressed in the movie, so too did the level of crying.
"Why won't she realize he loves her?" asked Emily, dabbing at her eyes.
"She's all alone!" replied Rachael.
And then "Moulin Rouge" came on. This had seemed to be a good choice at first, and indeed, the girls were very merry at several of the scenes in the beginning. But as the sad ending came nearer and nearer, they became distraught again; so Sinbad, Wesley and Sir Ian served dinner to sobbing captains yet again.
"This will end someday-won't it?" asked Elijah, looking pale and wan.
Johnny nodded forlornly, and said, "Some day..."
The crew looked miserably towards the weeping captains and sighed.
* * * * *
By the eve of the next day, the crews were at their wits end. Most didn't believe this had only been going on for only three days- it seemed they were in eternal purgatory.
For one thing, they had run out of Midol (BIG problem) and they were on their last box of tissues. Likewise, the seven layer chocolate cake would be the last of the chocolate. For another thing, they had made the mistake of letting the captains watch the Lord of the Rings movies, and ever since Sir Ian and Haldir had been forced to stay with them at all times, and Elijah often had to stay near the big couch for hours on end. Aragorn, Dominic, Pippin, Èomer and Legolas avoided direct contact with the captains so as to escape such treatment. Henceforth, most of the hard jobs fell to Orlando, Sinbad, Johnny, Oliver, James, Wesley and Frank; all of whom were at their wits end and most were on the edge of panic, tears or both.
It was because of this situation that Pippin took matters into his own hands. It was after Johnny returned, shaking and white, (the captains had yelled at him, then feeling bad, starting sobbing, then when he apologized for making them cry, had gotten angry again, and then started sobbing again. He had only escaped when Legolas, who didn't know the ship too well yet, accidentally wandered on deck and the captains called for him to visit, sobbing.) that, under the cover of darkness, Pippin snuck out to one of the longboats, determined to look for something to help them.
With all of the stress and strain they were under, the crew did not notice his absence. Indeed, they wouldn't have known he had been gone at all if they hadn't spotted the longboat returning the following afternoon.
"It's Pippin!" exclaimed Wesley and Oliver.
"Tom-fool of a Took!" exclaimed Sir Ian.
"What's he got in the boat?" exclaimed Aragorn, who had just escaped from a sob-fest with the captains. Without further ado, they hoisted up the boat.
Pippin answered none of the enquiries, all though the entire crew was relieved to see the boxes of chocolate and Midol in the boat. But what were all those other boxes?
Pippin took one, and without fear, walked over to the huge couch. He gently and unobtrusively set the box down in plain view of the captains who were alternating between raging at the crew and sobbing as they watched more episodes of "A Wedding Story."
It took a moment for the captains to notice the box at all, but when they did-and when the noticed what it was- their eyes lit up and they looked genuinely happy for the first time in four days. Taking up the box, they kissed Pippin on the cheeks in the manner of their normal selves and joyously opened the box of Heat Therapy Patches.
(*insert "Hallelujah Chorus" here*)
The remaining two days were much easier on both the crew and the captains. The Heat Therapy Patches calmed the captains enough that they no longer raged, seldom cried, and were genuinely grateful to the crew for all their efforts. The crew was considerably less stressed, only needing to maintain the cooking of chocolate and comfort food. Everyone was a lot happier, Pippin was greatly toasted and praised by all, and Aragorn's eye had stopped twitching.
On the third morning from the arrival of the Heat Therapy Patches, when the crew arose bright and early, there was no sign of the huge couch, the giant TV nor any of the other things that had become commonplace during the past few days.
The crew were worried at first, wondering what could have happened to the captains. But then Sinbad was the first to notice the smell of bacon and Garnier Fructis on the air.
They whirled to see the captains standing just outside the door to the galley. But it was not the captains as they had known for the past week. These girls were clean, good-smelling, with hair put up, make-up, and attractively attired in French Maid costumes. (But not the really skanky style.)
"We made you a little breakfast," said Emily, shyly.
"In thanks for all your help," said Rachael, equally shy.
The men surged over to the girls, and spent the rest of the morning feasting on eggs, bacon, omelets, sausage, biscuits, toast, and all manner of the best breakfast food. And although the S.S. Claire had returned to normal, everyone (I mean everyone) found themselves humming or singing a familiar tune for the next few days:
"When we all get to heaven,
"What a day of rejoicing that will be!
"When we all see Jesus,
"We'll sing and wear heat therapy patches!"
* * * * * Authoress' notes: Heehee, that was fun. Girls, I know you can all relate, and guys-prepare yourselves-that was only the minorest of exaggerations. The term "snail party" as we use to refer to "that time of the month" came from a late-night sleepover discussion. The Heat Therapy Idea and its song
come form this past pre-band camp, when I discovered the truth in those words! (The lyrics/tune was taken from the Methodist Hymnal.) Love you all!
Chapter Nine: The Attack of the Snails and Why Heaven is A Heat Therapy
Patch
A few days later, Tamela and Lan decided that, as much as they loved (and I mean really loved) the hot ship, they had to go home. (Or maybe the captains decided that for them?) So, they bade a tearful goodbye...oh yeah, and they said good-bye to the captains too, and were dropped off at port.
For the next week or so, the crew sailed happily. Èomer, Haldir, Legolas, Wesley, Frank and James settled in happily, and the crew was happy to have more hands because it meant more time off, and the captains were always happy to have more hot men, so on the whole everyone was happy.
However, one day, the captains did not get up on time. Now, normally, they didn't awake until after eleven at the earliest, but this day it was after two-thirty, and none of the crew had seen neither sight nor sound of them, and they were starting to get worried.
As the cloak approached three o'clock, Aragorn made a very important decision.
"Pippin," he called the hobbit over to him, "I want you to go check on the captains. Just make sure they're OK, and ask if they want anything, all right?"
Pippin agreed, hoping it would result in extra kisses for him again, which was always appreciated. He scampered down to the captains' quarters and knocked on their door. He heard a murmured reply, which he took to mean enter. So he did.
Upon reflecting later, he really wished he hadn't.
He entered the room, which was completely pitch black and noiseless. Shutting the door behind him, his eyes adjusted until he could just make out two dark shapes curled in the bed.
"Um, my ladies?" he ventured, cautiously, "I came to check on you, the whole crew is worried about you."
At this, he thought he heard the forms in the bed stir, and certainly he heard them moaning and crying as if in pain.
"Er- my ladies, are you all right?" he asked, getting nervous now.
There was another few moments of silence before Pippin heard Rachael speak in a Gollum voice.
"Why doessss it cry, Emeágol?" inquired the voice. (Shut up, you try and come up with a Smeágol-based nickname for the name "Emily" on such short notice.)
"It'sss that time again, preciousss, and cruel snailssss hurts ussss," replied Smeágol-Emily.
"I told you they wasss tricksy, I told you they'd come again..." said Gollum-Rachael.
Pippin was now thoroughly confused.
"Sssso much pain, and all becausssse we're on our..." whispered the two voices, trailing off.
"What? What are you on?" enquired Pippin.
Again, upon receiving his answer, he wished he hadn't.
Smeágol-Emily and Gollum-Rachael sat up in bed, turning on their respective lights. Their faces held a HORROR as Pippin had never seen the likes of before. And all because they were in their...
"OUR PERIODS!" yelled the captains, "AHHHHHHHHHHHH!"
* * * * *
When Pippin exited the captains quarters a few moments later, he was exceptionally pale. All the crew hurried forward to hear the news.
"What, what is it Pippin?" asked Sir Ian, kindly, trying to calm the hobbit.
Pippin shook his head, trying to clear his head of the HORROR of it all.
"Come on, Pip," coaxed Dom, "You can tell us."
Again, Pippin shook his head, clearly terrorized.
No matter of coaxing or pleading would make Pippin reveal the horrors within the Captains' Quarters. Finally, Aragorn took the matter into his own hands.
"That's it, I'm going in."
"Aragorn, be careful," cautioned Legolas.
"I will," he said firmly, "If I don't return, Orlando and Èomer are in charge."
With that, he walked briskly into the captains' quarters, leaving the frightened crew behind him. While they waited, Elijah got Pippin a cool drink and a cold washcloth for his head, but, as only Pippin knew what lay inside the chamber, only he could understand the terror of Aragorn.
When Aragorn returned, he too was blanched paler than any had ever seen him. He was visibly shaking, and it took him a moment to recover.
"What is it?" cried the crew, rushing forward, in fear not only of Aragorn, but also of the HORROR having befallen their beloved captains.
Aragorn took a deep, shaky breathe, before continuing, slowly, "Gentlemen, we have a Code Red." (AHAHA- THE IRONY!)
The men all gasped, now truly understanding the HORROR of the situation.
"Right, well you all know your jobs," Aragorn continued, "Let's get to it men, we've got quite a lot of preparation ahead of us."
* * * * *
A few hours later, Aragorn surveyed the deck with pride. Everything was set up appropriately for a Code Red. First of all, there was a huge, comfortable, couch in the middle of the deck, across from which was a huge screen TV. Someone had figured out how to program it to where it only showed "A Baby Story" "A Wedding Story" "The Sound of Music" (there's something very soothing about Julie Andrews), and sappy love movies like "The Wedding Planner."
Pippin, Dominic and Sir Ian had been busy all afternoon in the kitchen, cooking large and vast amounts of chocolate, and also comfort food like barbeque, mashed potatoes, you get the picture. But mostly they made chocolate: brownies (Jeannie-style), fudge, caramels, you name it-they made it.
Aragorn had commissioned James Bond and Èomer to go to the nearest port to buy packages upon packages of the softest tissues and many, many boxes of Midol. They had just returned and the whole crew was finishing stowing them below.
"All right, good work, men!" called Aragorn, "Now all we have to do is sit and wait."
Wait they did and it was only an hour before the captains emerged. The girls were wearing their respective pirate shirts and pajama bottoms with big slippers. Each was accompanied by their respective bedtime animal, Sleepy Bear for Rachael and Samuel the Dog for Emily.
They wandered over to the huge couch, as if they expected it to be there. The crew waited apprehensively. Pippin, working up his courage, quietly took a tray of chocolate over to the couch and laid it on the arm. Orlando took up the remote control and quietly turned on the TV to the opening strains of the Sound of Music. The girls relaxed considerably and began eating chocolate.
The men felt quite relieved and quietly went around their duties, occasionally checking in on the captains. Pippin and Sir Ian kept the tray of chocolate refilled and all passed quietly until the sun began to go down.
Wesley and Frank began wheeling out a cart of food to be served to the captains. Aragorn and Elijah helped served. Soon, the captains spoke for the first time that day.
"Thank you, baby," said Emily, taking a tray of mashed potatoes and the good rolls from Elijah.
Elijah just bowed his head.
"This food looks fantastic," commented Rachael, taking the tray of shrimp and BBQ ribs from Aragorn, "Who made all this?"
Sir Ian, Dominic, and Pippin stepped forth, looking proud.
"You?" said the captains, faintly, "You made all this..." they looked at each other, "For us?"
The three nodded again, but were quite aghast at the captains' reaction. They instantly burst into tears.
"I can't believe you worked so hard, just for us!" sobbed Emily.
"The food is so good!" agreed Rachael, crying heavily.
Sir Ian, Pippin and Dominic looked quite startled and as if they had done something wrong, but Aragorn raised a hand to stop them from freaking out.
Instead, he took two boxes of tissues and handed them to the girls, who sobbingly thanked him. They then insisted on kissing each and every member of the crew, thanking them and bawling the whole time.
Matters didn't improve much. Aragorn had explained to everyone that the girls just had crazy hormone fluctuations right then, and that they would be ok soon, but no one, even Aragorn, was prepared for how much crying occurred.
The girls sobbed all the way through their dinner and through the end of "The Sound of Music." As the men cleared their plates, and provided them with more chocolate, the girls seemed to calm down. They had curled back up on the huge couch and were waiting for the next thing to come on.
Fifteen minutes later, the men were back out, providing tissues again.
"It's so beautiful!" exclaimed Emily through her tears.
"Such a touching story!" sobbed Rachael.
That's right, kids, "A Wedding Story" was on, and the girls were touched at the beauty, the love story, and they really, really wanted to get married-right away.
Johnny and Arthur groaned as Haldir read out loud to them from "That Time of the Month" TV Guide: "A Wedding Story" was on two more times, at which point it was followed by three episodes of "A Baby Story."
It wasn't until late that night, after those shows had stopped and "The Princess Diaries" *staring Julie Andrews* came on, that the girls calmed down enough to stop crying. They lolled around in bed, moaning, eating chocolate and watching the movie. Eventually, they fell asleep.
The men sighed with relief, and began preparing for the next day. They knew-or thought they knew- that things couldn't get any worse.
. . . (*say it with me, now*)
They were sooooooooo wrong.
The girls awoke at about ten-thirty that morning, moaning and crying with pain. Oliver made the mistake of asking them how they felt.
"Do you ever have the feeling where you'd like to RIP OUT YOUR UTERUS WITH YOUR BARE HANDS?" they yelled.
"Er...no," he replied, timidly.
"WELL THAT'S HOW WE FEEL!"
The men supplied them with endless amount of Midol, and kept their chocolate intake levels very high. It was to no avail.
It seemed to be about one o'clock when their cramps(and henceforth all the yelling) subsided. The TV was turned on and lunch was served-the girls again being moved by their preparations, although not to the point of hysterical sobbing-yet.
They made it through the afternoon without too much trouble. It wasn't until "Where the Heart Is" came on that they knew they were in for another rough night. The girls' tears came quietly at first, but as sadder things progressed in the movie, so too did the level of crying.
"Why won't she realize he loves her?" asked Emily, dabbing at her eyes.
"She's all alone!" replied Rachael.
And then "Moulin Rouge" came on. This had seemed to be a good choice at first, and indeed, the girls were very merry at several of the scenes in the beginning. But as the sad ending came nearer and nearer, they became distraught again; so Sinbad, Wesley and Sir Ian served dinner to sobbing captains yet again.
"This will end someday-won't it?" asked Elijah, looking pale and wan.
Johnny nodded forlornly, and said, "Some day..."
The crew looked miserably towards the weeping captains and sighed.
* * * * *
By the eve of the next day, the crews were at their wits end. Most didn't believe this had only been going on for only three days- it seemed they were in eternal purgatory.
For one thing, they had run out of Midol (BIG problem) and they were on their last box of tissues. Likewise, the seven layer chocolate cake would be the last of the chocolate. For another thing, they had made the mistake of letting the captains watch the Lord of the Rings movies, and ever since Sir Ian and Haldir had been forced to stay with them at all times, and Elijah often had to stay near the big couch for hours on end. Aragorn, Dominic, Pippin, Èomer and Legolas avoided direct contact with the captains so as to escape such treatment. Henceforth, most of the hard jobs fell to Orlando, Sinbad, Johnny, Oliver, James, Wesley and Frank; all of whom were at their wits end and most were on the edge of panic, tears or both.
It was because of this situation that Pippin took matters into his own hands. It was after Johnny returned, shaking and white, (the captains had yelled at him, then feeling bad, starting sobbing, then when he apologized for making them cry, had gotten angry again, and then started sobbing again. He had only escaped when Legolas, who didn't know the ship too well yet, accidentally wandered on deck and the captains called for him to visit, sobbing.) that, under the cover of darkness, Pippin snuck out to one of the longboats, determined to look for something to help them.
With all of the stress and strain they were under, the crew did not notice his absence. Indeed, they wouldn't have known he had been gone at all if they hadn't spotted the longboat returning the following afternoon.
"It's Pippin!" exclaimed Wesley and Oliver.
"Tom-fool of a Took!" exclaimed Sir Ian.
"What's he got in the boat?" exclaimed Aragorn, who had just escaped from a sob-fest with the captains. Without further ado, they hoisted up the boat.
Pippin answered none of the enquiries, all though the entire crew was relieved to see the boxes of chocolate and Midol in the boat. But what were all those other boxes?
Pippin took one, and without fear, walked over to the huge couch. He gently and unobtrusively set the box down in plain view of the captains who were alternating between raging at the crew and sobbing as they watched more episodes of "A Wedding Story."
It took a moment for the captains to notice the box at all, but when they did-and when the noticed what it was- their eyes lit up and they looked genuinely happy for the first time in four days. Taking up the box, they kissed Pippin on the cheeks in the manner of their normal selves and joyously opened the box of Heat Therapy Patches.
(*insert "Hallelujah Chorus" here*)
The remaining two days were much easier on both the crew and the captains. The Heat Therapy Patches calmed the captains enough that they no longer raged, seldom cried, and were genuinely grateful to the crew for all their efforts. The crew was considerably less stressed, only needing to maintain the cooking of chocolate and comfort food. Everyone was a lot happier, Pippin was greatly toasted and praised by all, and Aragorn's eye had stopped twitching.
On the third morning from the arrival of the Heat Therapy Patches, when the crew arose bright and early, there was no sign of the huge couch, the giant TV nor any of the other things that had become commonplace during the past few days.
The crew were worried at first, wondering what could have happened to the captains. But then Sinbad was the first to notice the smell of bacon and Garnier Fructis on the air.
They whirled to see the captains standing just outside the door to the galley. But it was not the captains as they had known for the past week. These girls were clean, good-smelling, with hair put up, make-up, and attractively attired in French Maid costumes. (But not the really skanky style.)
"We made you a little breakfast," said Emily, shyly.
"In thanks for all your help," said Rachael, equally shy.
The men surged over to the girls, and spent the rest of the morning feasting on eggs, bacon, omelets, sausage, biscuits, toast, and all manner of the best breakfast food. And although the S.S. Claire had returned to normal, everyone (I mean everyone) found themselves humming or singing a familiar tune for the next few days:
"When we all get to heaven,
"What a day of rejoicing that will be!
"When we all see Jesus,
"We'll sing and wear heat therapy patches!"
* * * * * Authoress' notes: Heehee, that was fun. Girls, I know you can all relate, and guys-prepare yourselves-that was only the minorest of exaggerations. The term "snail party" as we use to refer to "that time of the month" came from a late-night sleepover discussion. The Heat Therapy Idea and its song
come form this past pre-band camp, when I discovered the truth in those words! (The lyrics/tune was taken from the Methodist Hymnal.) Love you all!