Disclaimer: The
characters of Hannibal Lecter, Clarice Starling, Ardelia Mapp and Paul
Krendler (as
well as anyone
you may recognize) belong to Thomas Harris, not to me. But they
are so great I couldn't resist borrowing them for a while. I will turn
them back when I've finished. No copyright
infringement intended. No profit. I'm harmless and broke ... So don't
sue me.
A/N: Yep ! It's me again ! And it's not yet the last chapter. I'm trying to make it last for you, guys, but I'm not sure how long I can go on like this *exhausted smile*. Just my poor way to thank you for reading it. Hope you enjoy chapter 12.
Chapter 12
She managed to sleep whole morning on Friday. A few hours of undisturbed sleep that made her feel reborn. When she joined the two men, Jason was preparing lunch.
Before, he had helped his father wash and shave and Lecter was looking much better. In fact, he was recovering faster than what she had expected. The two men welcome her with enthusiasm and she was officially invited to share their lunch.
The atmosphere was light and pleasant. After what they had been through, the three of them truly enjoyed a little bit of respite.
After lunch, Clarice checked Lecter' s wound and decided it had healed enough for his leg to be put in a plaster cast. They put themselves to work. The material Jason had bought from a local hardware store was not really fitting their purpose, and none of them had ever done this before. But they followed Lecter' s instructions and after two hours or so they were satisfied with the results. For sure it was not like anything a professional doctor would have done, but that would do.
As soon as they were done with it, Jason announced he had a job to finish, and he left the room with a mischievous smile. Clarice knew he had been working on making some crutches out of wood he had gathered from dismantled pieces of furniture. But she did not want to spoil his surprise. And so, when Hannibal looked at her with an interrogative smile, she faked not to know what it was all about.
He was sitting on his bed and looked tired.
" - How do you feel ?" she asked. "Do you want one of these pills now ?
- I guess I could use one."
She handed him the medicines and a glass of water. Then she went to stand by the window. Even with her back turned to him, she could feel him watching her.
" - Jason told me this morning how you took care of him." he said after a while. "Thank you for that. According to him, you did everything.
- He's a nice kid.
- Yes, he is ... Despite all the negative genes he inherited from his father ..."
Clarice turned to him. An ironic smile was set on his face. She chuckled. "Lets say he did not have all the chances on his side." she answered. She went to sit in the armchair.
" - You look tired, Clarice.
- Do you want me to bring you a mirror ?
- That won't be necessary." he said laughing.
Clarice knew the moment of euphoria they had had before had passed. All the serious questions which had haunted her in the last days had come back. And still they were waiting for the proper answers.
" - Jason also told me about the ... uncertainty of my future.
- I had to set priorities.
- And I am glad you did. Or I would not be able to discuss this with you now.
- It's nothing personal, but I don't really feel like discussing it with you, Dr. Lecter.
- I can understand that. But yet, you can imagine he is rather ... concerned about your choice.
- He loves you.
- Yes. And no matter how odd it may sound to you, I love him too.
- I know."
Hannibal tilted his head on the left and raised an eyebrow.
" - Your escape at the farm was a desperate attempt." she explained. "You would not have tried that if it had not been to protect him.
- Umh. So, you've understood that too.
- Anybody with half a brain would have understood that.
- You've got much more than half a brain, Clarice. This, I never doubted."
Clarice was beginning to feel uncomfortable. She knew a serious conversation would eventually come. But she was not prepared for it. Not yet. Not with such an adversary.
" - Jason confessed he told you a lot. About him I mean." As she did not answer he went on. "These are precious information which, in wrong hands, could become very dangerous for him. I am sure you realize that.
- I guess he trusted me.
- He sure does. And so do I. But I do not feel so confident with the rest of your colleagues, and ... Please understand me, Clarice. I am concerned for my son and his safety, that's all. In case you would decide to arrest me, things would get pretty dirty. I would not like Jason to be involved in it."
She looked at him in disbelief. The idea of 'involving' Jason had not even occurred to her. Yet, she realized his concern was legitimate.
" - I never intended to involve him, Dr. Lecter. Believe me.
- Thank you, Clarice. I appreciate that.
- I'm doing it for you.
- I know. But I am still grateful. And I promise I will comply to whatever your decision will be. I am at your mercy, Clarice."
He smiled at her. And even if his smile was gentle, it upset her. He was so calm ... How could he be so calm when she was so disturbed ? After all, it was his life they were discussing about.
" - You are still angry at me, aren't you ?" he asked.
" - ... Our last encounter was not exactly a pleasant moment, doctor.
- I suppose it depends on the point of view ... But I will spare you the argument.
- Point of view ?" She had raised her voice. "You murdered a man, Dr. Lecter. I don't see this as arguable."
He opened his mouth to answer but she interrupted him before he could say a word.
" - And don't tell me you did it for me ! I implored you not to do it. But you wouldn't listen to me. You were enjoying too much your little joke, weren't you ?
- Is this really what you think, Clarice ? That it was a joke for me ?
- What else ?
- I killed Paul Krendler. I cannot possibly deny that. What is arguable instead is whether or not Paul Krendler was a man ...
- And who do you think are you to decide this, doctor ? God ?"
She read something strange in his eyes. As if her last words had hurt him. He kept his voice low but something in his tone had changed. Something cold.
" - No, Clarice. I never thought I was God. I don't believe I have half His sense of humor. But who do you think Paul thought he was ? You remember Paul, don't you, Clarice ? Who gave him the right to play with you ? Who was he to decide to destroy your career because you refused to be his toy ? Do you honestly believe he hesitated one second before selling you to Mason Verger ?
- That's not the point, he ...
- That's precisely the point, Clarice. And I think you know it. These people you call yours have done nothing but use you, the way it suited them most. They taught you what was right or wrong. They told you how to behave and what to do. And when you did it, they rejected you.
- The system is not perfect but ...
- Perfect ? What would you call it then, Clarice ? They believed they had the right to control you, to decide if you should live or die, how you should live and when you should die ... So who takes himself for God ? Can you answer this, Clarice ?
...
- I don't expect you can understand."
Her voice was ice cold.
" - Then tell me, Clarice. Enlighten me." She hated his smile when he said this.
" - There are laws, Dr. Lecter. Limits one should not trespass. And this is the only way a society can survive. And like it or not, there must be men and women to ensure the law is respected. It is not an easy job. Nobody said it would be. But it has to be done. To protect the society.
- To protect it from people like me, right ?
- Yes. From people who consider they can live by their own rules, no matter the consequences for others. And this is what I decided to do.
- ... To save the lambs."
Clarice shivered to the last words. How could he use that against her !
" - It is a most generous concept. But then what are you doing here ? Why didn't you call the FBI when Jason came to you ? If you trust and respect your colleagues so much, Clarice, why didn't you ask for their support ? Why are you still hesitating on whether or not you should arrest me ? I told you I would not resist. And you know I never lied to you, don't you ? It would be so easy, Clarice ... and so rewarding ... I am not trying to convince you not to do it, Clarice. I'm just asking why ?
- I guess you think you know the answers, don't you, Dr. Lecter ? You think you're smart enough to know what's in my head, right ? And maybe you can decide for me, can't you ? You surely know what's best for me, better than I know myself.
- No. On the contrary. I just want to ensure that whatever decision you will make, it will be your decision, Clarice."
She stared at him with all the anger and determination she was able to. "I think I have taken my decision now, Dr. Lecter." she spat. "Now, if you will excuse me ...".
She walked to the door and opened it violently. She almost fell onto Jason, who was coming back with the two crutches he had just fixed. She did not say a word to him. She passed him and ran down the stairs.
Jason was flabbergasted. He entered the room hesitantly and looked at his father.
" - What happened ?" he asked.
" - I believe Clarice is somewhat angry with me, Jason.
- Why ? What did you do to her ?"
Hannibal looked intensely at his son, silent for a while. Then he finally answered.
" - I told her the truth, Jason. You see, truth is a strange thing. Most people will hate you if you don't tell them the truth, but when you tell it, they hate you more ... Not Clarice though. Clarice just needs some time to accept it.
- She saved your life, dad. You did not have to hurt her.
- I had no pleasure doing it.
...
- But one day you told me she is the only woman you could love ..."
Hannibal raised an eyebrow.
" - Did you tell her that ?" he asked.
" - Of course not.
- Good ... I believe I do love her, Jason. But I love the person she is, not the person that would be more convenient for me in this moment."
Clarice went out of the hotel. She could not stand staying in the same house as him. Her blood was boiling. Without even deciding it, she started to run. Not one of these morning jog her body was used to. She was running as if the devil was after her. She had no idea where she was going but did not even care. She needed to run.
She did not know how long she had been running or how many miles she had done. She had followed the first road she had found and then gone through some fields. Now she was in a kind of forest. Her whole body was aching. She stopped out of breath.
She walked a few steps and leant against a tree. Only then did she realized that the night had fallen. Her strengths abandoned her and she crouched down. She let go off.
A first tear went slowly down her cheek, soon followed by another one. Then she opened the gates and cried freely, her body shaken by terrible sobs. During long minutes she stayed there in the dark, unable to control the flood of her frustration and pain, her face unrecognizable, as disfigured by years of war. But no one was there to watch. She was alone. She had never felt so lonely.
She stopped only when she had no more tears to shed. She sat on the floor. She was feeling so empty, as if someone had drawn all energy from her body. But her mind was still running. There was no way to stop it, no peace to get after the battle.
She heard his voice as clearly as if he was sitting there next to her. The words he had told her today, but also the ones he spoke that first day in Baltimore. "You were wrong, Dr. Lecter." she whispered. "It was not ambition. I'm just trying to do what I feel is right, and to do it the best I can. But how can I do it when everything around is just confusion. How could you understand that ?"
She thought he was wrong on ambition, but she also knew that all the rest he had said, then or a few hours ago, was true. What seemed to her as ages ago, she had violated the rules. She had let him enter into her head. She had shared with him some of her most intimate thoughts. Of course, she could always pretend to everybody that she had done so to save a young woman, that it was the only way to get Lecter' s help with Buffalo Bill. And that was true. At least at the beginning ...
But she knew better. Even if it was still painful to admit, she had not hated these first moments with Hannibal Lecter. Or rather ... she had loved them at least as much as she had hated them.
Clarice Starling had grown up without affection since the age of seven. She had never had someone who cared enough about her to take the time to try to understand what she was thinking. Not until she met him. She had no illusions. It had been just a game for him. He was locked in Baltimore and had seen her as an amusing distraction to the emptiness of his days.
But last year was different. He was free and had no need to come back to her. His concern for her then, even if it could be considered as twisted, had been genuine and disinterested. And now she was supposed to turn this man to justice ...
Clarice shivered at the thought of that night at Krendler' s lake house. A man died that night. And yes, she had tried to convince Lecter not to kill him, without success. Anyone would have been traumatized by such a night. Anyone ... She took a deep breath and for the first time, there, alone in the dark, in the middle of nowhere, she dared admit to herself what Hannibal Lecter had understood for a long time. What she had been denying with all the strength of her psyche ...
What had distressed her so much that night was not the death of Paul Krendler. Nor was the way Lecter killed him. What had devastated her was the realization that she did not care. She had been the witness of a murder and had not felt a single emotion for the victim. She had protested, but because it was her duty. Inside, she didn't care whether Krendler would live or die.
"What is arguable instead is whether or not Paul Krendler was a man ... " Lecter' s words resounded in her head. For sure Krendler had been an asshole. But the fact that she, Clarice Starling, had given up on another human being was the most difficult thing she would ever have to accept.
Hannibal Lecter had guessed that. But had he guessed the other part of her secret ? Had he understood that she had felt more sorry for him when she had cuffed him than she had felt for Krendler as he was eating his own brain ... Did he know the physical pain in her body when he had chopped off his own thumb ...
Clarice shook her head violently and grit her teeth. She did not want to go further. She did not feel strong enough to go on. It was already too difficult to admit she had ... missed him.
Clarice spent other long minutes seated on the floor, progressively emptying her head from painful memories. She managed to clear her mind and to calm down.
Of course she would let him go. The realization that, deep down inside, she had known it from the very beginning made her slightly sad. But she would have to learn to live with it.
She stood up and started to walk her way back to the house.
It was almost midnight when she reached the old hotel. She was physically exhausted but not sleepy. When she entered the building, she did not hesitate one second and made her way up the stairs, directly to his room.
She met Jason in the corridor. The way the young man looked at her confirmed to her that she was looking like hell. "Clarice !" he said, worry in his voice, "Are you all right ?". She put her hand on his shoulder.
" - Yes, Jason. Thanks. I needed some time on my own, but I'm fine now.
- I was worried.
- Sorry for that. And for having let you alone. You look tired too. You should get some sleep. I'll take over now.
- I'm OK.
- No, really. I'm not sleepy anyway."
Jason stared at her for a few seconds in silence. He sounded embarrassed when he spoke again.
" - Clarice ... I don't know exactly what happened between you two this afternoon. My father wouldn't tell ... But I could perfectly understand it if you did not want to go back in. You don't have to ...
- I don't feel I have to.
- I'm sincere.
- I know you are. But it's all right."
As he was still making no move, she added: "Jason, I promise !" and she gave him a warm smile. He smiled back at her. "Good night, Clarice." he whispered, and he planted a little kiss on her cheek. Then, before she could even answer, he was gone.
Clarice carefully opened the door and entered Lecter' s room. He was sleeping peacefully. She got closer to the bed and watched him for a while. He was much less impressive when his eyes were closed, she thought. And this thought made her smile.
She delicately moved his arm a bit and sat on the bed, careful not to wake him up. He moved slightly but did not open his eyes. His breathing remained steady.
Hannibal had felt her come in more than he had heard her. After a moment she took his arm and set it aside. Then he felt her weight on the bed. He decided to let her think he was still sleeping though.
He knew the last hours had been tough on her. And he was not sure how far she had gone in this battle of her emotions that had been ravaging her for so long. He did not want to add to her trouble now. He didn't know if she was ready to look at him in the eyes yet, and he decided to give her time.
The sound of her breathing, so close, was lulling him. He was aware of every single sigh, and of her slightest movements. She seemed calm and in peace with herself. He waited for another half hour and then he slowly opened his eyes.
She looked exhausted, but serene. Like a soldier coming back home victorious after a long and terrible war. An indefinable feeling of pride overwhelmed Hannibal' s heart.
He opened his eyes and stared at her. If he was surprised to see her there, he didn't show. They both remained silent for seconds that seemed like hours to Clarice. She was dreading his first words. But these never came.
Instead, he raise his right hand and rested it at the junction of her neck and shoulder. He did not move for a while, as if asking her permission to go further. Then his hand went slightly up her neck and his thumb came brushing her cheek gently. Their eyes were locked.
Clarice felt the pressure of his fingers on the back of her neck and slowly, but firmly, he drew her to him, until her head came to rest on his shoulder, her back turned to him.
Clarice raised her legs to the bed and curled up against his side. She could feel the warmth of his body against hers, and the regular movements of his chest when he breathed.
She closed her eyes. She felt no fear, no tension. What this man was giving her was the simplest and most genuine comfort a human being could give to another human being. The fact that it was given to her by a known murderer and cannibal did not matter anymore. It was the one thing she most desperately needed at this very moment. And he had understood it.
When he felt the first tear roll on his shoulder and down his arm, Hannibal put his and on Clarice' s back and started to very gently stroke it. He let her cry without a word. Words were useless. After a while he felt her body relax further and her breathing slow down. When he got certain she was sleeping, he murmured: "Good night, Clarice. Have nice dreams, my love."
Hannibal Lecter did not get back to sleep that night. He laid in the dark, his eyes wide opened, breathing her, savoring each and every second.
To be continued ... Thanks for reading. Reviews are as usual MOST welcome ...
Absolut.
A/N: Yep ! It's me again ! And it's not yet the last chapter. I'm trying to make it last for you, guys, but I'm not sure how long I can go on like this *exhausted smile*. Just my poor way to thank you for reading it. Hope you enjoy chapter 12.
Chapter 12
She managed to sleep whole morning on Friday. A few hours of undisturbed sleep that made her feel reborn. When she joined the two men, Jason was preparing lunch.
Before, he had helped his father wash and shave and Lecter was looking much better. In fact, he was recovering faster than what she had expected. The two men welcome her with enthusiasm and she was officially invited to share their lunch.
The atmosphere was light and pleasant. After what they had been through, the three of them truly enjoyed a little bit of respite.
After lunch, Clarice checked Lecter' s wound and decided it had healed enough for his leg to be put in a plaster cast. They put themselves to work. The material Jason had bought from a local hardware store was not really fitting their purpose, and none of them had ever done this before. But they followed Lecter' s instructions and after two hours or so they were satisfied with the results. For sure it was not like anything a professional doctor would have done, but that would do.
As soon as they were done with it, Jason announced he had a job to finish, and he left the room with a mischievous smile. Clarice knew he had been working on making some crutches out of wood he had gathered from dismantled pieces of furniture. But she did not want to spoil his surprise. And so, when Hannibal looked at her with an interrogative smile, she faked not to know what it was all about.
He was sitting on his bed and looked tired.
" - How do you feel ?" she asked. "Do you want one of these pills now ?
- I guess I could use one."
She handed him the medicines and a glass of water. Then she went to stand by the window. Even with her back turned to him, she could feel him watching her.
" - Jason told me this morning how you took care of him." he said after a while. "Thank you for that. According to him, you did everything.
- He's a nice kid.
- Yes, he is ... Despite all the negative genes he inherited from his father ..."
Clarice turned to him. An ironic smile was set on his face. She chuckled. "Lets say he did not have all the chances on his side." she answered. She went to sit in the armchair.
" - You look tired, Clarice.
- Do you want me to bring you a mirror ?
- That won't be necessary." he said laughing.
Clarice knew the moment of euphoria they had had before had passed. All the serious questions which had haunted her in the last days had come back. And still they were waiting for the proper answers.
" - Jason also told me about the ... uncertainty of my future.
- I had to set priorities.
- And I am glad you did. Or I would not be able to discuss this with you now.
- It's nothing personal, but I don't really feel like discussing it with you, Dr. Lecter.
- I can understand that. But yet, you can imagine he is rather ... concerned about your choice.
- He loves you.
- Yes. And no matter how odd it may sound to you, I love him too.
- I know."
Hannibal tilted his head on the left and raised an eyebrow.
" - Your escape at the farm was a desperate attempt." she explained. "You would not have tried that if it had not been to protect him.
- Umh. So, you've understood that too.
- Anybody with half a brain would have understood that.
- You've got much more than half a brain, Clarice. This, I never doubted."
Clarice was beginning to feel uncomfortable. She knew a serious conversation would eventually come. But she was not prepared for it. Not yet. Not with such an adversary.
" - Jason confessed he told you a lot. About him I mean." As she did not answer he went on. "These are precious information which, in wrong hands, could become very dangerous for him. I am sure you realize that.
- I guess he trusted me.
- He sure does. And so do I. But I do not feel so confident with the rest of your colleagues, and ... Please understand me, Clarice. I am concerned for my son and his safety, that's all. In case you would decide to arrest me, things would get pretty dirty. I would not like Jason to be involved in it."
She looked at him in disbelief. The idea of 'involving' Jason had not even occurred to her. Yet, she realized his concern was legitimate.
" - I never intended to involve him, Dr. Lecter. Believe me.
- Thank you, Clarice. I appreciate that.
- I'm doing it for you.
- I know. But I am still grateful. And I promise I will comply to whatever your decision will be. I am at your mercy, Clarice."
He smiled at her. And even if his smile was gentle, it upset her. He was so calm ... How could he be so calm when she was so disturbed ? After all, it was his life they were discussing about.
" - You are still angry at me, aren't you ?" he asked.
" - ... Our last encounter was not exactly a pleasant moment, doctor.
- I suppose it depends on the point of view ... But I will spare you the argument.
- Point of view ?" She had raised her voice. "You murdered a man, Dr. Lecter. I don't see this as arguable."
He opened his mouth to answer but she interrupted him before he could say a word.
" - And don't tell me you did it for me ! I implored you not to do it. But you wouldn't listen to me. You were enjoying too much your little joke, weren't you ?
- Is this really what you think, Clarice ? That it was a joke for me ?
- What else ?
- I killed Paul Krendler. I cannot possibly deny that. What is arguable instead is whether or not Paul Krendler was a man ...
- And who do you think are you to decide this, doctor ? God ?"
She read something strange in his eyes. As if her last words had hurt him. He kept his voice low but something in his tone had changed. Something cold.
" - No, Clarice. I never thought I was God. I don't believe I have half His sense of humor. But who do you think Paul thought he was ? You remember Paul, don't you, Clarice ? Who gave him the right to play with you ? Who was he to decide to destroy your career because you refused to be his toy ? Do you honestly believe he hesitated one second before selling you to Mason Verger ?
- That's not the point, he ...
- That's precisely the point, Clarice. And I think you know it. These people you call yours have done nothing but use you, the way it suited them most. They taught you what was right or wrong. They told you how to behave and what to do. And when you did it, they rejected you.
- The system is not perfect but ...
- Perfect ? What would you call it then, Clarice ? They believed they had the right to control you, to decide if you should live or die, how you should live and when you should die ... So who takes himself for God ? Can you answer this, Clarice ?
...
- I don't expect you can understand."
Her voice was ice cold.
" - Then tell me, Clarice. Enlighten me." She hated his smile when he said this.
" - There are laws, Dr. Lecter. Limits one should not trespass. And this is the only way a society can survive. And like it or not, there must be men and women to ensure the law is respected. It is not an easy job. Nobody said it would be. But it has to be done. To protect the society.
- To protect it from people like me, right ?
- Yes. From people who consider they can live by their own rules, no matter the consequences for others. And this is what I decided to do.
- ... To save the lambs."
Clarice shivered to the last words. How could he use that against her !
" - It is a most generous concept. But then what are you doing here ? Why didn't you call the FBI when Jason came to you ? If you trust and respect your colleagues so much, Clarice, why didn't you ask for their support ? Why are you still hesitating on whether or not you should arrest me ? I told you I would not resist. And you know I never lied to you, don't you ? It would be so easy, Clarice ... and so rewarding ... I am not trying to convince you not to do it, Clarice. I'm just asking why ?
- I guess you think you know the answers, don't you, Dr. Lecter ? You think you're smart enough to know what's in my head, right ? And maybe you can decide for me, can't you ? You surely know what's best for me, better than I know myself.
- No. On the contrary. I just want to ensure that whatever decision you will make, it will be your decision, Clarice."
She stared at him with all the anger and determination she was able to. "I think I have taken my decision now, Dr. Lecter." she spat. "Now, if you will excuse me ...".
She walked to the door and opened it violently. She almost fell onto Jason, who was coming back with the two crutches he had just fixed. She did not say a word to him. She passed him and ran down the stairs.
Jason was flabbergasted. He entered the room hesitantly and looked at his father.
" - What happened ?" he asked.
" - I believe Clarice is somewhat angry with me, Jason.
- Why ? What did you do to her ?"
Hannibal looked intensely at his son, silent for a while. Then he finally answered.
" - I told her the truth, Jason. You see, truth is a strange thing. Most people will hate you if you don't tell them the truth, but when you tell it, they hate you more ... Not Clarice though. Clarice just needs some time to accept it.
- She saved your life, dad. You did not have to hurt her.
- I had no pleasure doing it.
...
- But one day you told me she is the only woman you could love ..."
Hannibal raised an eyebrow.
" - Did you tell her that ?" he asked.
" - Of course not.
- Good ... I believe I do love her, Jason. But I love the person she is, not the person that would be more convenient for me in this moment."
Clarice went out of the hotel. She could not stand staying in the same house as him. Her blood was boiling. Without even deciding it, she started to run. Not one of these morning jog her body was used to. She was running as if the devil was after her. She had no idea where she was going but did not even care. She needed to run.
She did not know how long she had been running or how many miles she had done. She had followed the first road she had found and then gone through some fields. Now she was in a kind of forest. Her whole body was aching. She stopped out of breath.
She walked a few steps and leant against a tree. Only then did she realized that the night had fallen. Her strengths abandoned her and she crouched down. She let go off.
A first tear went slowly down her cheek, soon followed by another one. Then she opened the gates and cried freely, her body shaken by terrible sobs. During long minutes she stayed there in the dark, unable to control the flood of her frustration and pain, her face unrecognizable, as disfigured by years of war. But no one was there to watch. She was alone. She had never felt so lonely.
She stopped only when she had no more tears to shed. She sat on the floor. She was feeling so empty, as if someone had drawn all energy from her body. But her mind was still running. There was no way to stop it, no peace to get after the battle.
She heard his voice as clearly as if he was sitting there next to her. The words he had told her today, but also the ones he spoke that first day in Baltimore. "You were wrong, Dr. Lecter." she whispered. "It was not ambition. I'm just trying to do what I feel is right, and to do it the best I can. But how can I do it when everything around is just confusion. How could you understand that ?"
She thought he was wrong on ambition, but she also knew that all the rest he had said, then or a few hours ago, was true. What seemed to her as ages ago, she had violated the rules. She had let him enter into her head. She had shared with him some of her most intimate thoughts. Of course, she could always pretend to everybody that she had done so to save a young woman, that it was the only way to get Lecter' s help with Buffalo Bill. And that was true. At least at the beginning ...
But she knew better. Even if it was still painful to admit, she had not hated these first moments with Hannibal Lecter. Or rather ... she had loved them at least as much as she had hated them.
Clarice Starling had grown up without affection since the age of seven. She had never had someone who cared enough about her to take the time to try to understand what she was thinking. Not until she met him. She had no illusions. It had been just a game for him. He was locked in Baltimore and had seen her as an amusing distraction to the emptiness of his days.
But last year was different. He was free and had no need to come back to her. His concern for her then, even if it could be considered as twisted, had been genuine and disinterested. And now she was supposed to turn this man to justice ...
Clarice shivered at the thought of that night at Krendler' s lake house. A man died that night. And yes, she had tried to convince Lecter not to kill him, without success. Anyone would have been traumatized by such a night. Anyone ... She took a deep breath and for the first time, there, alone in the dark, in the middle of nowhere, she dared admit to herself what Hannibal Lecter had understood for a long time. What she had been denying with all the strength of her psyche ...
What had distressed her so much that night was not the death of Paul Krendler. Nor was the way Lecter killed him. What had devastated her was the realization that she did not care. She had been the witness of a murder and had not felt a single emotion for the victim. She had protested, but because it was her duty. Inside, she didn't care whether Krendler would live or die.
"What is arguable instead is whether or not Paul Krendler was a man ... " Lecter' s words resounded in her head. For sure Krendler had been an asshole. But the fact that she, Clarice Starling, had given up on another human being was the most difficult thing she would ever have to accept.
Hannibal Lecter had guessed that. But had he guessed the other part of her secret ? Had he understood that she had felt more sorry for him when she had cuffed him than she had felt for Krendler as he was eating his own brain ... Did he know the physical pain in her body when he had chopped off his own thumb ...
Clarice shook her head violently and grit her teeth. She did not want to go further. She did not feel strong enough to go on. It was already too difficult to admit she had ... missed him.
Clarice spent other long minutes seated on the floor, progressively emptying her head from painful memories. She managed to clear her mind and to calm down.
Of course she would let him go. The realization that, deep down inside, she had known it from the very beginning made her slightly sad. But she would have to learn to live with it.
She stood up and started to walk her way back to the house.
It was almost midnight when she reached the old hotel. She was physically exhausted but not sleepy. When she entered the building, she did not hesitate one second and made her way up the stairs, directly to his room.
She met Jason in the corridor. The way the young man looked at her confirmed to her that she was looking like hell. "Clarice !" he said, worry in his voice, "Are you all right ?". She put her hand on his shoulder.
" - Yes, Jason. Thanks. I needed some time on my own, but I'm fine now.
- I was worried.
- Sorry for that. And for having let you alone. You look tired too. You should get some sleep. I'll take over now.
- I'm OK.
- No, really. I'm not sleepy anyway."
Jason stared at her for a few seconds in silence. He sounded embarrassed when he spoke again.
" - Clarice ... I don't know exactly what happened between you two this afternoon. My father wouldn't tell ... But I could perfectly understand it if you did not want to go back in. You don't have to ...
- I don't feel I have to.
- I'm sincere.
- I know you are. But it's all right."
As he was still making no move, she added: "Jason, I promise !" and she gave him a warm smile. He smiled back at her. "Good night, Clarice." he whispered, and he planted a little kiss on her cheek. Then, before she could even answer, he was gone.
Clarice carefully opened the door and entered Lecter' s room. He was sleeping peacefully. She got closer to the bed and watched him for a while. He was much less impressive when his eyes were closed, she thought. And this thought made her smile.
She delicately moved his arm a bit and sat on the bed, careful not to wake him up. He moved slightly but did not open his eyes. His breathing remained steady.
Hannibal had felt her come in more than he had heard her. After a moment she took his arm and set it aside. Then he felt her weight on the bed. He decided to let her think he was still sleeping though.
He knew the last hours had been tough on her. And he was not sure how far she had gone in this battle of her emotions that had been ravaging her for so long. He did not want to add to her trouble now. He didn't know if she was ready to look at him in the eyes yet, and he decided to give her time.
The sound of her breathing, so close, was lulling him. He was aware of every single sigh, and of her slightest movements. She seemed calm and in peace with herself. He waited for another half hour and then he slowly opened his eyes.
She looked exhausted, but serene. Like a soldier coming back home victorious after a long and terrible war. An indefinable feeling of pride overwhelmed Hannibal' s heart.
He opened his eyes and stared at her. If he was surprised to see her there, he didn't show. They both remained silent for seconds that seemed like hours to Clarice. She was dreading his first words. But these never came.
Instead, he raise his right hand and rested it at the junction of her neck and shoulder. He did not move for a while, as if asking her permission to go further. Then his hand went slightly up her neck and his thumb came brushing her cheek gently. Their eyes were locked.
Clarice felt the pressure of his fingers on the back of her neck and slowly, but firmly, he drew her to him, until her head came to rest on his shoulder, her back turned to him.
Clarice raised her legs to the bed and curled up against his side. She could feel the warmth of his body against hers, and the regular movements of his chest when he breathed.
She closed her eyes. She felt no fear, no tension. What this man was giving her was the simplest and most genuine comfort a human being could give to another human being. The fact that it was given to her by a known murderer and cannibal did not matter anymore. It was the one thing she most desperately needed at this very moment. And he had understood it.
When he felt the first tear roll on his shoulder and down his arm, Hannibal put his and on Clarice' s back and started to very gently stroke it. He let her cry without a word. Words were useless. After a while he felt her body relax further and her breathing slow down. When he got certain she was sleeping, he murmured: "Good night, Clarice. Have nice dreams, my love."
Hannibal Lecter did not get back to sleep that night. He laid in the dark, his eyes wide opened, breathing her, savoring each and every second.
To be continued ... Thanks for reading. Reviews are as usual MOST welcome ...
Absolut.