The End is the Beginning is the End
Rating: G Spoilers: The end of Buffy. Disclaimer: This is just something I felt like writing, I am aware that it doesn't really go anywhere and is more of a beginning than a finished piece, but the end to Buffy was really a beginning in itself so I guess I just wanted to post it and leave it at that. Title is from a Smashing Pumpkins Song.
I sit here in this dingy low-lit room making like everything is ok. I don't care about what they are all doing, I gotta look out for myself. It came on so suddenly. An hour ago I was fine and now this. I sit tense, counting in my head to slow my breathing. The television could be broadcasting static for all I care. I wonder if anyone's noticed.
To my right, a sturdy figure holds my hand in a firm grasp offering assurance that everything is going to be ok. A mortal, who I previously rejected, trying to surprise me with his strength after being severely injured in the battle. He feels the need to comfort me. Thinks cause we stopped another apocalypse we're invincible or some shit. I understand this but I know otherwise.
I should feel some sense of loss. I should feel pride for those who gave their lives so willingly, comrades fallen and all. But I can't really feel anything more than claustrophobic. I remain rigid to keep from shuddering. Haven't felt like this in a very long time. It feels like the air room is a 200 degrees, I find it hard to breathe, my palm clammy in his, my vision blurring.
I was once told my room was Spartan. Well now we have a room full of warriors in the same boat. Hardly have a dollar to their names. They are in various states of recovery, mourning, sleeping, and quietly celebrating in a room built only to hold three or four. Many are injured from battle.
I try to keep it together but finally I can't take it anymore, I feel like I will choke if I do not get up and move away from all of this.
Ripping my hand away I leap from the bed I sit upon mumbling that I "Need some air," and then I am out the door, moving fast as the wind, round to the back of the rooms and out to the side of the nearby woods. As I reach the edge of premises where the concrete meets the dirt I find myself bent double, violently ill, near throwing up into my hair, my grubby shaking hands pushing it out of the way by force of habit.
The contents of my stomach purged, I suck in air, waiting for my breath and vision to return to normal. Waiting for this shaking and nausea to subside. God, this is so wrong. I should be happy, the world is saved, but I feel anything but. All those girls inside, girls all around the world they are now slayers. That thought would have me lose the contents of my stomach all over again if I had anything left to throw up.
The sun is beginning to rise as I stare out into the great expanse of forest and sky. Slaying is all I had and now it's not mine anymore. Who's gonna need me now that the battle has been fought? Who's gonna give me a second thought now that so many are waiting to take my place? For the first time in my life, I feel old.
I should feel free, relieved, grateful, but as much as I try, those feelings won't come. This should feel like a victory, but it just feels empty and hollow. Had it not been for one vampire a well-placed amulet then I probably wouldn't be standing here feeling as though the world had ended. I would be sinking into the dirt, being eaten up by the jaws of the earth itself.
I am supposed to basking in the fact that I am living and yet all I feel is cheated of my victory. Plus slaying was the only thing that made me unique. I wonder if things will be right ever again. I try to think of a time when they ever really were in the first place.
Then there's also another feeling. Panic. I know the council were evil and all but who's going to look out for these girls now that they are all supped up. Even worse who's gonna control the ones that can't control themselves. Sure giving them all power seemed like the plan of the hour but now it just seems wrong. Everything seems out of my control and I hate that feeling. There's nothing worse. I want to turn off my brain. I wish I could stop feeling all together.
"Beautiful isn't it?" Her voice startles me as I turn swiftly to meet it. "But now the evil is gone, the scales are tipped, it isn't right, someone has to restore the balance." As I study her features for the moment it dawns on me that she looks mysteriously older. Like her soul is far older than the body which it resides. Behind her eyes there's a wisdom that previously existed unbeknownst to me and her presence feels strong, like that of her sister, but different, more powerful. It scares me some.
"You don't have to look at me that way. The slayers back inside, they are whom you have to worry about now. Don't you see, I am a girl, nothing more." she implores me.
"Maybe," I say this caution, "Maybe not" I add with resolve, turning to stare at the pink horizon once more and then glancing back towards the hotel.
"Maybe not," I hear her repeats my words and feel the smile in her tone. Then she becomes solemn. "You think you know what's to come, you haven't even begun. Better get back before Dawn." The words seem familiar to me and I wonder if I have heard them before. I turn, for a moment feeling light on my face, expecting that the sun has finally risen. I frown. Retreating past the borders of the woods I see a green glow of pure energy and light in her place and then it rounds a corner and she's gone.
As I blink slowly I find myself down upon one knee, hands placed either side of me, staring at the ground, head pounding. My vision is slightly blurry; breath just slowing and I can taste of bile in my throat, my arms ache as if I have been in this position for ages. I stumble, bringing myself to my feet and I look up at the horizon to see the sun has just risen.
"Hey...so this is where you got to. Robin was getting worried. You okay?"
I turn my head my brow furrowed, "You know me B, 5 x 5..." I pause then continue, "Can I ask you something?"
She replies almost wearily, the exhaustion of battle finally showing. "Shoot."
""Your sister, she's not... I have memories of her but she's not..."
"We thought she may be a slayer, she was once the key, an ancient power, but that's over, she's not... she's just a girl, just my sister, nothing more."
"Ancient power... so she was... I mean, good or evil?"
"She's just a girl," Buffy repeats forcefully.
"But what did she do?"
"What do all keys do," she snaps hastily giving me the feeling that this topic is off limits.
"B... Buffy, do you think that the battle is really over? Do you think that in giving all these girls the power of the scythe, we did the right thing?"
"I think your thinking too much, come back inside."
"I just... it... something feels off."
"Faith, your tired, you need sleep. We just had an apocalypse, the biggest battle of our lives, your restless but the First is gone, and it's not coming back."
"Every battle's always the biggest of your life B, but what if it's not over, what if..."
"Just come back inside," she gives me a stern glare and then trudges back towards the hotel room ending our conversation. I pause a moment to take one last look at the dawn before I go back inside to try and find the sleep that would not come earlier. I wonder what lies in store for the future. She says the battle is over, that the First is gone, but something tells me it's not over yet. I can't shake this feeling in my gut, this feeling that something's not right, no matter what she says. If there's only one thing I've learnt it's you should always trust your gut and this doesn't feel like an end, it feels like it's only the beginning.
Rating: G Spoilers: The end of Buffy. Disclaimer: This is just something I felt like writing, I am aware that it doesn't really go anywhere and is more of a beginning than a finished piece, but the end to Buffy was really a beginning in itself so I guess I just wanted to post it and leave it at that. Title is from a Smashing Pumpkins Song.
I sit here in this dingy low-lit room making like everything is ok. I don't care about what they are all doing, I gotta look out for myself. It came on so suddenly. An hour ago I was fine and now this. I sit tense, counting in my head to slow my breathing. The television could be broadcasting static for all I care. I wonder if anyone's noticed.
To my right, a sturdy figure holds my hand in a firm grasp offering assurance that everything is going to be ok. A mortal, who I previously rejected, trying to surprise me with his strength after being severely injured in the battle. He feels the need to comfort me. Thinks cause we stopped another apocalypse we're invincible or some shit. I understand this but I know otherwise.
I should feel some sense of loss. I should feel pride for those who gave their lives so willingly, comrades fallen and all. But I can't really feel anything more than claustrophobic. I remain rigid to keep from shuddering. Haven't felt like this in a very long time. It feels like the air room is a 200 degrees, I find it hard to breathe, my palm clammy in his, my vision blurring.
I was once told my room was Spartan. Well now we have a room full of warriors in the same boat. Hardly have a dollar to their names. They are in various states of recovery, mourning, sleeping, and quietly celebrating in a room built only to hold three or four. Many are injured from battle.
I try to keep it together but finally I can't take it anymore, I feel like I will choke if I do not get up and move away from all of this.
Ripping my hand away I leap from the bed I sit upon mumbling that I "Need some air," and then I am out the door, moving fast as the wind, round to the back of the rooms and out to the side of the nearby woods. As I reach the edge of premises where the concrete meets the dirt I find myself bent double, violently ill, near throwing up into my hair, my grubby shaking hands pushing it out of the way by force of habit.
The contents of my stomach purged, I suck in air, waiting for my breath and vision to return to normal. Waiting for this shaking and nausea to subside. God, this is so wrong. I should be happy, the world is saved, but I feel anything but. All those girls inside, girls all around the world they are now slayers. That thought would have me lose the contents of my stomach all over again if I had anything left to throw up.
The sun is beginning to rise as I stare out into the great expanse of forest and sky. Slaying is all I had and now it's not mine anymore. Who's gonna need me now that the battle has been fought? Who's gonna give me a second thought now that so many are waiting to take my place? For the first time in my life, I feel old.
I should feel free, relieved, grateful, but as much as I try, those feelings won't come. This should feel like a victory, but it just feels empty and hollow. Had it not been for one vampire a well-placed amulet then I probably wouldn't be standing here feeling as though the world had ended. I would be sinking into the dirt, being eaten up by the jaws of the earth itself.
I am supposed to basking in the fact that I am living and yet all I feel is cheated of my victory. Plus slaying was the only thing that made me unique. I wonder if things will be right ever again. I try to think of a time when they ever really were in the first place.
Then there's also another feeling. Panic. I know the council were evil and all but who's going to look out for these girls now that they are all supped up. Even worse who's gonna control the ones that can't control themselves. Sure giving them all power seemed like the plan of the hour but now it just seems wrong. Everything seems out of my control and I hate that feeling. There's nothing worse. I want to turn off my brain. I wish I could stop feeling all together.
"Beautiful isn't it?" Her voice startles me as I turn swiftly to meet it. "But now the evil is gone, the scales are tipped, it isn't right, someone has to restore the balance." As I study her features for the moment it dawns on me that she looks mysteriously older. Like her soul is far older than the body which it resides. Behind her eyes there's a wisdom that previously existed unbeknownst to me and her presence feels strong, like that of her sister, but different, more powerful. It scares me some.
"You don't have to look at me that way. The slayers back inside, they are whom you have to worry about now. Don't you see, I am a girl, nothing more." she implores me.
"Maybe," I say this caution, "Maybe not" I add with resolve, turning to stare at the pink horizon once more and then glancing back towards the hotel.
"Maybe not," I hear her repeats my words and feel the smile in her tone. Then she becomes solemn. "You think you know what's to come, you haven't even begun. Better get back before Dawn." The words seem familiar to me and I wonder if I have heard them before. I turn, for a moment feeling light on my face, expecting that the sun has finally risen. I frown. Retreating past the borders of the woods I see a green glow of pure energy and light in her place and then it rounds a corner and she's gone.
As I blink slowly I find myself down upon one knee, hands placed either side of me, staring at the ground, head pounding. My vision is slightly blurry; breath just slowing and I can taste of bile in my throat, my arms ache as if I have been in this position for ages. I stumble, bringing myself to my feet and I look up at the horizon to see the sun has just risen.
"Hey...so this is where you got to. Robin was getting worried. You okay?"
I turn my head my brow furrowed, "You know me B, 5 x 5..." I pause then continue, "Can I ask you something?"
She replies almost wearily, the exhaustion of battle finally showing. "Shoot."
""Your sister, she's not... I have memories of her but she's not..."
"We thought she may be a slayer, she was once the key, an ancient power, but that's over, she's not... she's just a girl, just my sister, nothing more."
"Ancient power... so she was... I mean, good or evil?"
"She's just a girl," Buffy repeats forcefully.
"But what did she do?"
"What do all keys do," she snaps hastily giving me the feeling that this topic is off limits.
"B... Buffy, do you think that the battle is really over? Do you think that in giving all these girls the power of the scythe, we did the right thing?"
"I think your thinking too much, come back inside."
"I just... it... something feels off."
"Faith, your tired, you need sleep. We just had an apocalypse, the biggest battle of our lives, your restless but the First is gone, and it's not coming back."
"Every battle's always the biggest of your life B, but what if it's not over, what if..."
"Just come back inside," she gives me a stern glare and then trudges back towards the hotel room ending our conversation. I pause a moment to take one last look at the dawn before I go back inside to try and find the sleep that would not come earlier. I wonder what lies in store for the future. She says the battle is over, that the First is gone, but something tells me it's not over yet. I can't shake this feeling in my gut, this feeling that something's not right, no matter what she says. If there's only one thing I've learnt it's you should always trust your gut and this doesn't feel like an end, it feels like it's only the beginning.