or "Why Gehenna: The Musical WON'T be a crossover"
Your typical dark parking lot. Four people have gathered in a circle: A fat black guy with a "Black Spiral Breakdancers" T-shirt, who is standing next to a huge ghettoblaster; a woman in a stylish black suit, wearing sunglasses and a high-tech earpiece; an elderly gentleman who looks like a psychology professor; and someone only faintly resembling a human, whose skin moves and bulges constantly. There are "WoD: Gypsies"-posters on the walls. Somewhere, a dog barks.
The black guy begins to talk
BLACK GUY
I am a conduit of the Wyrm. As you all know, the Time of Judgment approaches fast. We need to lay down some ground rules on how we'll take it on. First, let's see who we have here: A high-ranking Technocrat (the woman nods impatiently), the esteemed Dauntain professor Anton Stark (the old man rolls his eyes) and, of course Belial, the Great Beast (the posessed thrall gibbers'KillLuciferHateLuciferKillKillKill'). We need to prevent Gehenna from becoming a turf war. So I just want to say...
The Wyrm kicks his ghettoblaster on and a heavy beat fills the air
WYRM
I gots the banes and I gots the Zmei
They fry any mutha that gets in my way
So c'mon punks just make my day
and pull your shit so I can blast you away
Join my ranks of Fomori
Embrace this endless entropy!
The Wyrm folds his hands and starts nodding to the beat
The Technocrat waves her hand dismissively
TECHNOCRAT
Ya sure keep talkin' but have no chance
Full of big words but just no stance
'Crats pack the heat, yo, 'Crats make the plans
Ain't havin' no reality de-vi-ance!
Cross us, Wyrm, ya stupid mook
And we will use our spirit nuke!
She makes some inscrutable techocratic gang sign with her hands
Stark jumps in the middle of the circle and makes some pretty damn amazing dance moves for such an old geezer. Then he resumes his position, with a 'top THAT' expression on his face.
STARK
This ain't really happenin'
Y'all are dreams that kids let in
Delusional and it's a sin
So grow up fast or you won't win
Wake up now: that's doctor's orders
Reality has simple borders.
The Wyrm looks dismayed, this isn't going at all as he had planned.
WYRM
C'mon, dogs, just chill a bit
Don't swarm me like a Garou hit
Once I digged the 'balance' groove
Destroyed the old, made way for new
But this bitch Weaver hit me low
I don't take shit from any ho
The beat of cor-rup-tion plays phat
C'mon my Belle, show'em where it's at!
Belial's mind-bending voice pierces the air
BELIAL
A B-S dancer, who's a Thrall to me,
cybernetically oozing with banali-tee
Is just one possi-bility
Stick with us, and you will see
We'll be the scourge of Morningstar
And... (Starts to imagine a banal cyber-Dancer thrall molesting Lucifer. Then realizes everyone is looking and promptly delivers the last line:)
umm... And I'm an evil god. Grr... Argh!
Everyone has an acute nosebleed from Belial's voice. The Technocrat doesn't look pleased.
TECHNOCRAT
B-S is right, if it means BULLSHIT
You really thought we'd fall for it?
Our duty is to shield the Masses
But you just wanna fry their asses
It is clear: you can't be trusted
And guess what? Yo ass is busted!
She pulls a gun and points it sideways in the Wyrms face.
Stark sidesteps next to the Technocrat, and puts a hand on her shoulder. He waves the other hand furiously at the Wyrm.
STARK
This bitch is right man, that is whack
Now tell me please: who smoked that crack?
Take my advice and keep it real
And MAYBE we can cut a deal
So stifle your imaginations
Use cold logic and equations!
The Wyrm looks angry
WYRM
I was called here in good faith
To join a cruci-al debate
But all I see is bickering
My altruism is wearing thin
So shut up and behave, my dear
It wasn't me who asked you here!
Belial is getting bored (as usual) and decides to go Apocalyptic. He then looms over everyone and roars:
BELIAL
UPON YOUR SOULS I NOW SHALL FEAST
FOR NONE CAN MATCH THE MIGHTY BEAST...
(Realizes something, morphs back, looks at the Wyrm)
But rewind just a tiny bit
You didn't call us? Then...
VOICE
I did.
Everyone turns to look and is horrified to see... God45! The Wayward Hunter is standing only few footsteps away, wrapped in plastic explosives and a detonator in hand!
GOD45
You took crossovers way too far
A factor of chaos is what they are
Your dirty secrets I'll purify
'Coz they make baby Jesus cry
This nightly circus I will end
And back to hell all'y'all send
I see you suckas took my bait
Now suffer Mr. Ashtray's fate!
...Cremate!
He leaps at the conspirators, but then realizes he doesn't have Cremate. He promptly detonates himself. Explosions. Bloodshed. Dismemberment. General unpleasantness. When the smoke clears, everyone save the Wyrm and Belial lies dead.
WYRM
Hot damn, my man, we were easily halted (groan)
BELIAL
Shoulda paged the super-gods from Exalted!
They flee from their charred temporary vessels
Somewhere in the distance Osiris and a Kuei-jin Bodhisattva observe the destruction
OSIRIS
Exalted. Yeah right, like THAT has anything to do with the World of Darkness.
KUEI-JIN
Well, actually...
OSIRIS
Say "parallel histories" and I'll wreak Ma'at imbalance on your ass, Buddha-boy! Anyway, it seems I was right. It was a trap.
KUEI-JIN
Indeed. Thank the ancestors we usually avoid crossovers anyway.
OSIRIS
Yep. Bad for the cycle. And I see the Orpheus Group didn't even deign to show up. Lucky bastards.
KUEI-JIN
Orpheus who?
OSIRIS
Exactly.
The start walking away. The Kuei-jin suddenly remembers something
KUEI-JIN
Oz, wait a minute. About this... Orpheus.
OSIRIS
Yeah?
KUEI-JIN
Is it the new Wraith?
A grave silence. Then...
KUEI-JIN
OW! Stop it!
Fade to black. Giant text appears:
"GEHENNA THE MUSICAL. COMING FEB '04"
And now for a little extra, the idea for which was swiped from MaxusDarte (Thanks Maxus!):
Lexicon for the Crossover Rap, SOI-style:
(Seeing as how this is a crossover-heavy piece, I felt obliged to write this. Maybe half of it is actually useful)
APOCALYPTIC, GO - What demons do to get their groove on. Think Vicissitude 4, only cooler.
ASHTRAY, MR. - Samuel Haight. If you don't know who that is, bless you. (see ->cry, make baby jesus)
BANALITY - Faerie kryptonite.
BANE - An evil spirit.
BELIAL - A huge demon god. Fixated on destroying Lucifer, God, and everything.
BODHISATTVA - A Kue-jin antediluvian. Execpt they're nice. And didn't really sire any clans. Damn powerful, though. (See ->kuei-Jin)
CIRCUS, NIGHTLY - Midnight Circus. (See ->crack, smoking ->cry, make baby jesus)
CRACK, SMOKING - An action that, when performed by a WW writer results in a crossover and/or an inexcplicable and highly amusing storyline.
CREMATE - Badass 5th level hunter edge. According to popular opinion the only thing that Tzimisce fears.
CRY, MAKE BABY JESUS - As in: "Most crossovers are made with the the purpose to..."
DAUNTAIN - Anti-Fae.
DANCER, BLACK SPIRAL - Evil werewolf tribe.
EXALTED - Before the World of Darkness, apparently there was something else. What, no-one knows. In any case, it sure wasn't Exalted. No sir. I don't care how much sense it would make.
FACTOR OF CHAOS - Chaos Factor. (See ->ashtray, mr. ->crack, smoking ->cry, make baby jesus)
FOMORI - A wyrm-infested mutant enemy of the werewolves
GAROU - What werewolves call each other. They're too fancy to call themselves werewolves, see.
GOD45 - Insane Hunter bent on cleansing the Earth. WoD's 2nd Bad Mutha. 1st Bad Mutha was Theo Bell. (see ->wayward)
KUEI-JIN - Asian vampire. (The cosmology and metaphysics would crush your feeble mind, so stick to that explanation. It's simpler.)
LUCIFER - Go check the White Wolf Demon forum. They can't seem to stop talking about him: "Was he wrong? Was he right? What is he going to do next? And really, what was his last name?"
MA'AT - Balance. Mummies dig it.
MORNINGSTAR - (See ->lucifer)
NUKE, SPIRIT - After katanas, the second most powerful weapons in existance. The heat that Techies pack.
ORPHEUS - A ghost game that exists in a vacuum inside the WoD. (See ->wraith, is orpheus the new)
OSIRIS - The mummies' head honcho.
REALITY DEVIANCE - Every supernatural thing that you have fun doing. (See ->technocracy)
SECRETS, DIRTY - Dirty Secrets of the Black Hand. (See ->crack, smoking ->cry, make baby jesus)
STARK, ANTON - Banal. Hates imagination, kicks puppies and wears grey. (see ->dauntain)
TECHNOCRACY - Mages who hate all things magical. Go figure.
THRALL - Someone who gets kewl powerz from a demon in exchange for faith.
WAYWARD - A Hunter that has been looking at the pictures in Hunter books way too much and gotten the wrong idea of the game.
WEAWER, THE - Was Formgiver, went mad, is now Stasis. Responsible for turning the Wyrm into a mad corrupter.
WOD: GYPSIES - Evil incarnate. The ONLY sane reason to burn books.
WRAITH, IS ORPHEUS THE NEW - The question thou shalt not ask. Ever.
WYRM, THE - Was Entropy, wen't mad, is now Corruption. Werewolves mortal enemy.
ZMEI - Kick-ass giant Wyrm-Dragons.