'Life Outside of KOF' by KD-0079
Chapter 1: We Gotta Start Somewhere, Don't We?
Author's Note: I kind of forgot to put this in the Chapter 0, and I don't feel like retyping it, so I'll put it here. The speech in this fanfic will be written in the following format:
Character: "Text."
For example,
Kim: "Stop, evildoers! Or I'll break my foot off in your asses in the name of justice!"
Actions that accompany dialogue are in the following format:
Character (action): "Text."
For example,
Benimaru (looking at himself in the mirror): "Damn, I'm pretty."
When a character performs an action in the middle of dialogue without speaking, the format is as follows:
Character *action*
For example,
KD-0079 *tries his best to write a fanfic that isn't a half-assed piece of trash* /Author's Note
Alright, let's begin!
It's 8:30 AM in Southtown. Shen Woo is sitting in the office of the grocery store. He is applying for a job, and is wearing his KOF 2003 outfit, only with the shirt button. The manager, an overweight, balding, middle-aged man, is looking over Shen Woo's resume, and has just reached the part listing his work experience.
Manager: "Alright, Sean, you've had a total of 107 jobs since you've lived in Southtown, and you've been fired from every one of them because you beat someone up. At some of these places, you didn't even last a whole hour! How in the hell do expect to hold a job in retail grocery with a record like this?"
Shen Woo (glaring): "The name's Shen, fatass; Shen Woo. How hard can it be to cashier, huh? You've got that loser Todo working as your produce manager, don't you? Besides, I'm a good worker. I've got lots of experience, and I've got good references."
Manager (flipping through resume): "If you want a job here, Shen, I suggest you be a little more polite during your interview. I had to hire Todo; something about 'Equal Opportunity for Washed-Up Fighters'. Anyways, let's see here....references.....What the fuck? You've got some nerve, boy."
Shen: "What are you talking about?"
Manager: "You've only got one reference, even though the application clearly says that you have to have three – that's what I'm talking about! And for that one reference, you had the nerve to list Terry Bogard! What, do I look like I'm stupid or something? I've about had it with you. Now give me some REAL references right now, or consider this interview finished!"
Shen says nothing, but calmly pulls out his cell phone. He dials a number, and begins talking.
Shen (on phone): "Hello? Yeah, it's Shen. Where are you at?" *pause* "Oh really? Well, I'm in the office of the grocery store, applying for a job." *pause* "Is that so? Well, I'll see you then. Bye for now." (to manager) "My 'real references' are on the way."
They wait for about ten minutes in silence. The door to the office opens, revealing Terry Bogard in his MOTW outfit. The manager passes out from shock.
Terry: "So, what's got you wanting to work at a grocery store, huh?"
Shen: "Gotta pay bills somehow, man. Not that you ever have that problem or anything."
Terry (laughing): "All too true." *points to manager* "I take it he saw your references and didn't believe you, huh?"
Shen: "Yeah. But it looks like he's unconscious, so I better wake him up or I'll never get hired."
Shen stands up and pushes his chair aside. He then hits the manager full in the stomach with a Gekiken. The manager goes flying into the wall, and is obviously in pain.
Shen: "Nap time's over, chunky. Now that my reference is here, how about that job?"
Manager (doubled over in pain): "You little shit! You're going to ask me for a job after that? Maybe I should hire you just so I can fire your worthless ass! You'd better get out of here now, before I...."
The manager is interrupted by Terry, who has been watching the whole incident with no change whatsoever in facial expression. He then calmly walks over to the injured manager.
Terry: "Hey man, can I ask you a question?"
Manager: "Sure, Mr. Bogard. What is it?"
Terry: "You're not going to hire him?"
Manager: "After that? He should be happy I don't call the police to have him arrested!"
Terry: "Can I ask you another question?"
Manager: "Of course, sir. What is it?"
Terry: "Are you okay?"
Manager (standing up): "Well, I'm not coughing up blood, so there's no internal damage. My ribs are a bit sore, but...."
Terry: "BUSTER WOLF!!!!"
Manager: "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" *goes flying through the wall of the office*
After a half-hour, the battered manager stands to his feet in great pain. After dusting himself off, he sees Terry and Shen standing in front of him. The manager looks at them and starts shaking, afraid of what might happen next should he refuse to hire Shen Woo.
Manager (almost crying): "Okay, okay! I take it back! Shen Woo, you're hired! And in addition, I'll give you $15 an hour in wages! Just....don't hit me anymore, please."
Shen (smirking): "$50 an hour. And I want free groceries for the rest of my life, and a $50,000 signing bonus, payable immediately."
Manager: ".....okay. I'll go open the safe and get your money."
The manager goes to the safe to get the money. Meanwhile, Shen and Terry engage in conversation.
Terry: "$50 an hour? Are you serious?"
Shen: "Nah. After I get my bonus, I'm going to quit. I have a feeling I'd probably get fired today anyways. Besides, I hate retail. Betcha that guy doesn't make $50,000 a year."
Terry: "You're probably right. So, is this officially your shortest term of employment? Never mind, I remember now. You got fired from The Mirage as a bouncer after three seconds because you broke Richard Myer's nose. Remember that?"
Shen: "Yeah, I remember. Good thing King is one of the owners, too; otherwise I'd probably be banned after that incident. Besides, how was I supposed to know that hippie guy was Richard Myer? I'd never seen him before."
Terry: "Well, to be honest, nobody sees much of him anymore. He took the money from the 'Equal Opportunity for Washed-Up Fighters Business Start-Up Fund' and founded the Pao Pao Café. Ever since then, he's been rather like a hermit. Some people thought he was an urban legend, but some of the longtime residents of Southtown still pay him a visit every now and then. Speaking of pay, there's the manager with your money."
Shen: "Well, that's been what, 15 minutes and 26 seconds for this job? Guess I better update the resume. Hey, thanks for the reference, man. If all else fails, I can use you for a reference when I apply for my job as a vice-president at Howard Enterprises, right?"
Terry: "Sure, sure. But you won't be allowed to punch people that piss you off. Only the CEO has that privilege. Anyways, I gotta catch a flight to Japan. Haven't seen the little brother in a while, plus I got some business to take care of personally. See you in a few weeks, Shen."
Terry leaves the grocery store in a red Lamborghini. Shen collects his money from the manager, then promptly tenders his resignation, saying that it wouldn't be right to work there if he and the manager were going to be at odds all the time. He then grabs a shopping cart and proceeds to put his new 'free groceries for life' card to use. The manager is left speechless, but says nothing for fear of being on the receiving end of a Kohyou Rengeki.
Shen gets back to the house and starts unloading groceries. Gato Futaba and Duo Lon are in the living room watching "Enter the Dragon".
Gato: "You're home before noon.
You've got lots of groceries;
However, no job."
Duo Lon: "Guess that interview was a bust, then. What are you going to do now?"
Shen: "For starters, I'm going to unplug the TV unless you two pause the movie and help unload groceries. I guess I'll look for a job when my $50,000 signing bonus is gone, or when I get bored of sitting around the house."
Gato: "I'm hoping there's some vodka and chicken nuggets in there with my name on it."
Shen: "Not just your name, fool. You think I'm not hungry, too? Well, looks like today's a movie marathon day, then." The three men unload the groceries from Shen's car, and proceed to drink various alcoholic beverages and eat pre-cooked frozen foods while watching a variety of martial arts movies. Meanwhile, at the end of his shift, the grocery store manager is driving home, smoking a cigarette.
Manager: "Damn, what a day. But why didn't the police arrive after Terry Bogard sent me flying through that wall? Didn't anyone report what happened to the authorities?" *flicks cigarette butt out the window* "Oh well. I'll just have a beer and a nice hot bath when I get home, and then...ACK!!!!"
The manager's car, which seemingly hit a huge bump in the road, flips over and rolls several times, finally coming to rest in a grassy area off the side of the road. The manager gets out of the car and sees a man in a white shirt that says 'Southtown Police' on it standing there.
Manager: "Hey, you're a cop! I've just had an accident, but let me tell you about what happened today at work! You see, I had..."
Policeman's voice: "SILENCE!"
The policeman turns around. It is none other than Kim Kaphwan, Southtown's one-man criminal justice system. He is holding a small white object between his thumb and index finger.
Kim: "Recognize this? It's the cigarette butt that you threw out the window. That, my friend is littering. Littering is a crime. Therefore, I sentence you to three weeks of "Reform School", so that you will come to learn a greater respect for the cleanliness of the community." *picks the manager up by the collar* "Now, off you go! And don't struggle, or I'll charge you with resisting arrest, which carries an automatic six-week minimum stay at "Reform School". Yes, it might seem hard at first, but in between your many daily ass-beatings, realize that you're being reformed not only for the good of others, but for your own good as well."
Manager (whimpering to himself): "Why me?"
Kim: "SILENCE!!!!"
-end-
Author's notes:
-Some of you old-school SNK fans will remember a certain balding, overweight, middle-aged businessman from the Fatal Fury games. I'm not saying that Cheng Sinzan got a grant from the 'Equal Opportunities for Washed-Up Fighters Business Start-Up Fund' and opened a grocery store, but the similarities are hitting a little bit close to home to be pure coincidence, don't you think?
-Don't ask how Shen Woo got the house, or all the places he's worked. I don't know, either.
-Apparently, Buster Wolf-ing someone through a wall in public isn't a crime if you're Terry Bogard. At least, Kim Kaphwan doesn't think so.
-'Enter the Dragon' is a Bruce Lee movie. If you haven't seen it, shame on you. Stop what you're doing and watch it immediately.
-In case you couldn't tell, Kim kicked over the manager's car. He's Kim, so he can do that.
Stay tuned for Chapter 2. It will feature....oh, I don't know....something involving one of the other two housemates. Probably Duo Lon. I've already got another chapter for Shen Woo, but it'll have to wait until at least Chapter 4. The 'Equal Opportunities for Washed-Up Fighters' business is something I came up with to justify the use of worthless characters for cameos. So don't use it in your fics unless you ask me first. Also, please review. I hope this is entertaining enough to keep you coming back for more.
Chapter 1: We Gotta Start Somewhere, Don't We?
Author's Note: I kind of forgot to put this in the Chapter 0, and I don't feel like retyping it, so I'll put it here. The speech in this fanfic will be written in the following format:
Character: "Text."
For example,
Kim: "Stop, evildoers! Or I'll break my foot off in your asses in the name of justice!"
Actions that accompany dialogue are in the following format:
Character (action): "Text."
For example,
Benimaru (looking at himself in the mirror): "Damn, I'm pretty."
When a character performs an action in the middle of dialogue without speaking, the format is as follows:
Character *action*
For example,
KD-0079 *tries his best to write a fanfic that isn't a half-assed piece of trash* /Author's Note
Alright, let's begin!
It's 8:30 AM in Southtown. Shen Woo is sitting in the office of the grocery store. He is applying for a job, and is wearing his KOF 2003 outfit, only with the shirt button. The manager, an overweight, balding, middle-aged man, is looking over Shen Woo's resume, and has just reached the part listing his work experience.
Manager: "Alright, Sean, you've had a total of 107 jobs since you've lived in Southtown, and you've been fired from every one of them because you beat someone up. At some of these places, you didn't even last a whole hour! How in the hell do expect to hold a job in retail grocery with a record like this?"
Shen Woo (glaring): "The name's Shen, fatass; Shen Woo. How hard can it be to cashier, huh? You've got that loser Todo working as your produce manager, don't you? Besides, I'm a good worker. I've got lots of experience, and I've got good references."
Manager (flipping through resume): "If you want a job here, Shen, I suggest you be a little more polite during your interview. I had to hire Todo; something about 'Equal Opportunity for Washed-Up Fighters'. Anyways, let's see here....references.....What the fuck? You've got some nerve, boy."
Shen: "What are you talking about?"
Manager: "You've only got one reference, even though the application clearly says that you have to have three – that's what I'm talking about! And for that one reference, you had the nerve to list Terry Bogard! What, do I look like I'm stupid or something? I've about had it with you. Now give me some REAL references right now, or consider this interview finished!"
Shen says nothing, but calmly pulls out his cell phone. He dials a number, and begins talking.
Shen (on phone): "Hello? Yeah, it's Shen. Where are you at?" *pause* "Oh really? Well, I'm in the office of the grocery store, applying for a job." *pause* "Is that so? Well, I'll see you then. Bye for now." (to manager) "My 'real references' are on the way."
They wait for about ten minutes in silence. The door to the office opens, revealing Terry Bogard in his MOTW outfit. The manager passes out from shock.
Terry: "So, what's got you wanting to work at a grocery store, huh?"
Shen: "Gotta pay bills somehow, man. Not that you ever have that problem or anything."
Terry (laughing): "All too true." *points to manager* "I take it he saw your references and didn't believe you, huh?"
Shen: "Yeah. But it looks like he's unconscious, so I better wake him up or I'll never get hired."
Shen stands up and pushes his chair aside. He then hits the manager full in the stomach with a Gekiken. The manager goes flying into the wall, and is obviously in pain.
Shen: "Nap time's over, chunky. Now that my reference is here, how about that job?"
Manager (doubled over in pain): "You little shit! You're going to ask me for a job after that? Maybe I should hire you just so I can fire your worthless ass! You'd better get out of here now, before I...."
The manager is interrupted by Terry, who has been watching the whole incident with no change whatsoever in facial expression. He then calmly walks over to the injured manager.
Terry: "Hey man, can I ask you a question?"
Manager: "Sure, Mr. Bogard. What is it?"
Terry: "You're not going to hire him?"
Manager: "After that? He should be happy I don't call the police to have him arrested!"
Terry: "Can I ask you another question?"
Manager: "Of course, sir. What is it?"
Terry: "Are you okay?"
Manager (standing up): "Well, I'm not coughing up blood, so there's no internal damage. My ribs are a bit sore, but...."
Terry: "BUSTER WOLF!!!!"
Manager: "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!" *goes flying through the wall of the office*
After a half-hour, the battered manager stands to his feet in great pain. After dusting himself off, he sees Terry and Shen standing in front of him. The manager looks at them and starts shaking, afraid of what might happen next should he refuse to hire Shen Woo.
Manager (almost crying): "Okay, okay! I take it back! Shen Woo, you're hired! And in addition, I'll give you $15 an hour in wages! Just....don't hit me anymore, please."
Shen (smirking): "$50 an hour. And I want free groceries for the rest of my life, and a $50,000 signing bonus, payable immediately."
Manager: ".....okay. I'll go open the safe and get your money."
The manager goes to the safe to get the money. Meanwhile, Shen and Terry engage in conversation.
Terry: "$50 an hour? Are you serious?"
Shen: "Nah. After I get my bonus, I'm going to quit. I have a feeling I'd probably get fired today anyways. Besides, I hate retail. Betcha that guy doesn't make $50,000 a year."
Terry: "You're probably right. So, is this officially your shortest term of employment? Never mind, I remember now. You got fired from The Mirage as a bouncer after three seconds because you broke Richard Myer's nose. Remember that?"
Shen: "Yeah, I remember. Good thing King is one of the owners, too; otherwise I'd probably be banned after that incident. Besides, how was I supposed to know that hippie guy was Richard Myer? I'd never seen him before."
Terry: "Well, to be honest, nobody sees much of him anymore. He took the money from the 'Equal Opportunity for Washed-Up Fighters Business Start-Up Fund' and founded the Pao Pao Café. Ever since then, he's been rather like a hermit. Some people thought he was an urban legend, but some of the longtime residents of Southtown still pay him a visit every now and then. Speaking of pay, there's the manager with your money."
Shen: "Well, that's been what, 15 minutes and 26 seconds for this job? Guess I better update the resume. Hey, thanks for the reference, man. If all else fails, I can use you for a reference when I apply for my job as a vice-president at Howard Enterprises, right?"
Terry: "Sure, sure. But you won't be allowed to punch people that piss you off. Only the CEO has that privilege. Anyways, I gotta catch a flight to Japan. Haven't seen the little brother in a while, plus I got some business to take care of personally. See you in a few weeks, Shen."
Terry leaves the grocery store in a red Lamborghini. Shen collects his money from the manager, then promptly tenders his resignation, saying that it wouldn't be right to work there if he and the manager were going to be at odds all the time. He then grabs a shopping cart and proceeds to put his new 'free groceries for life' card to use. The manager is left speechless, but says nothing for fear of being on the receiving end of a Kohyou Rengeki.
Shen gets back to the house and starts unloading groceries. Gato Futaba and Duo Lon are in the living room watching "Enter the Dragon".
Gato: "You're home before noon.
You've got lots of groceries;
However, no job."
Duo Lon: "Guess that interview was a bust, then. What are you going to do now?"
Shen: "For starters, I'm going to unplug the TV unless you two pause the movie and help unload groceries. I guess I'll look for a job when my $50,000 signing bonus is gone, or when I get bored of sitting around the house."
Gato: "I'm hoping there's some vodka and chicken nuggets in there with my name on it."
Shen: "Not just your name, fool. You think I'm not hungry, too? Well, looks like today's a movie marathon day, then." The three men unload the groceries from Shen's car, and proceed to drink various alcoholic beverages and eat pre-cooked frozen foods while watching a variety of martial arts movies. Meanwhile, at the end of his shift, the grocery store manager is driving home, smoking a cigarette.
Manager: "Damn, what a day. But why didn't the police arrive after Terry Bogard sent me flying through that wall? Didn't anyone report what happened to the authorities?" *flicks cigarette butt out the window* "Oh well. I'll just have a beer and a nice hot bath when I get home, and then...ACK!!!!"
The manager's car, which seemingly hit a huge bump in the road, flips over and rolls several times, finally coming to rest in a grassy area off the side of the road. The manager gets out of the car and sees a man in a white shirt that says 'Southtown Police' on it standing there.
Manager: "Hey, you're a cop! I've just had an accident, but let me tell you about what happened today at work! You see, I had..."
Policeman's voice: "SILENCE!"
The policeman turns around. It is none other than Kim Kaphwan, Southtown's one-man criminal justice system. He is holding a small white object between his thumb and index finger.
Kim: "Recognize this? It's the cigarette butt that you threw out the window. That, my friend is littering. Littering is a crime. Therefore, I sentence you to three weeks of "Reform School", so that you will come to learn a greater respect for the cleanliness of the community." *picks the manager up by the collar* "Now, off you go! And don't struggle, or I'll charge you with resisting arrest, which carries an automatic six-week minimum stay at "Reform School". Yes, it might seem hard at first, but in between your many daily ass-beatings, realize that you're being reformed not only for the good of others, but for your own good as well."
Manager (whimpering to himself): "Why me?"
Kim: "SILENCE!!!!"
-end-
Author's notes:
-Some of you old-school SNK fans will remember a certain balding, overweight, middle-aged businessman from the Fatal Fury games. I'm not saying that Cheng Sinzan got a grant from the 'Equal Opportunities for Washed-Up Fighters Business Start-Up Fund' and opened a grocery store, but the similarities are hitting a little bit close to home to be pure coincidence, don't you think?
-Don't ask how Shen Woo got the house, or all the places he's worked. I don't know, either.
-Apparently, Buster Wolf-ing someone through a wall in public isn't a crime if you're Terry Bogard. At least, Kim Kaphwan doesn't think so.
-'Enter the Dragon' is a Bruce Lee movie. If you haven't seen it, shame on you. Stop what you're doing and watch it immediately.
-In case you couldn't tell, Kim kicked over the manager's car. He's Kim, so he can do that.
Stay tuned for Chapter 2. It will feature....oh, I don't know....something involving one of the other two housemates. Probably Duo Lon. I've already got another chapter for Shen Woo, but it'll have to wait until at least Chapter 4. The 'Equal Opportunities for Washed-Up Fighters' business is something I came up with to justify the use of worthless characters for cameos. So don't use it in your fics unless you ask me first. Also, please review. I hope this is entertaining enough to keep you coming back for more.