Smeagol goes to the Beach
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Summary: Smeagol takes a very interesting trip to a beach in San Francisco.
This story is rated PG-13 for some sexual content, drug and alcohol use, and brief, mild language.
One day, while in his cave in the Misty Mountains, Smeagol found something in the water. It was a Martha Stewart Living magazine. "Oooo, look at scary lady, precious," said Smeagol while looking at the front cover of the magazine. Then Smeagol opened to the first page and started to read. As he read, he found a picture of a beautiful sandy beach and read the article about it.
The article said that the beach was in San Francisco, on the surface of the earth. Smeagol was quite intrigued by the article, and decided to take a long-overdue vacation. "ROAD TRIP, PRECIOUSSSS!!!" yelled Smeagol.
So Smeagol packed his suitcase. It contained his SPF 5,000 suntan lotion, his spare loincloth, and his shades. In the front seat of his Volkswagon Beetle, he had a humongous vat of Colombian Coffee. He had seen an ad for this in his sacred magazine, and immediately went to Mordor's Wal- Mart and bought some.
So Smeagol loaded his suitcase into the back of his Beetle and jumped into the driver's seat. "VROOM, VROOM Preciousss," said Smeagol, starting his car. He started off into the direction of San Francisco. He went about 10 miles or so until he encountered the on-ramp to Interstate 101 to San Francisco. About ten minutes later, he encountered a sign with distances on it. It said Cancun, 7,418 miles; Chicago, 6,250 miles; and San Francisco, 9,716 miles. "This is gonna take a while, precious," said Smeagol, unhappily.
Smeagol drove until eleven o' clock and then looked for a place with a hotel to check into. He stopped at a place called Paris, France and checked into a Holiday Inn. On the elevator up to his room, he encountered a few famous rappers by the names of Chingy, Ludacris, and Snoop Dogg. He also ran into a girl by the name of Paris Hilton. Upon walking by her, she slapped his bottom, saying "Hey cutie." "Don't touch my asses, precious," said Smeagol. "FOOL!" yelled Gollum. "Look at the size of those Titses! I want a piece of that!"
In the room next to them, there was a ruckus like Smeagol had never heard. Smeagol liked the quiet, so he went over to the next room and knocked on the door to see what all the noise was about. A tall man smoking something that looked like a large, misshapen cigarette to Smeagol, but was really a joint overflowing with marijuana. "Hey little man," said the man. "Welcome to the party." "What's party, precious???" Smeagol asked to himself with much confusion. "Hey little fella," said Chingy from the elevator. "Grab some beer and enjoy yourself." Said Chingy from the elevator. 'Beer?' thought Smeagol.
Smeagol had never been so confused in his life. And since he is over 500 years old, that's saying something! Smeagol sat down and tried to figure out what to do with the beer. "What do you do with this stuff?" said Smeagol to the person sitting next to him. She turned to face Smeagol. It was Paris Hilton again! "You pop open the cap like this, and then you drink it all at once." She said. "Oh, thanks." Said Smeagol. So Smeagol chugged the beer. Then Paris said, "Want to go into the back room and have some fun?"
"Hic," replied Smeagol. Smeagol doesn't hold his liquor very well. Then Paris led him into the back room. When they reached the back room, Gollum took over. "Show me your titses, precious." Paris did as she was told. "Oooo, nice titses," said Gollum. "Now show me what you gotses." At this moment, Smeagol recovered his body. Then, he fell asleep. Meanwhile, Paris was getting into mischief and got into Smeagol's loincloth. Then Gollum took over and let's just pretend that we all know how babies are formed. The next morning, Smeagol set off on the road to San Francisco. He found a note with an odd language and a disk-type thing on the front seat of his Beetle. He could decipher most of the note. It read: Dear Short ugly homey: thanks for comin' to my party. Your car is a little different now. I heard that you were on your way to San Fran. Just flip the switch that says water. If you're feelin' like a pimp, then press the button labeled: Pimpin'. Listen to the CD I gave you, and stay away from my girl! Chingy.
Smeagol got into his car and started off. He noticed that he had a new shiny red button on his steering wheel. "Oooo, shiny precious," said Smeagol. He just had to press that button. Thank god that he was on the interstate at 7:00 in the morning. So there he was on I-101, going 110 in his souped up Beetle. Since hardly anyone but Middle-Earthlings travel on it, no one was hurt. Who says that the elderly drive slow? When Smeagol had exhausted his supply of Nitrous oxide, he was nearly to the ocean. There he saw Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin packed into a shitty old Ford Taurus. Then Smeagol flipped the pimpin' switch. "Hi, stupid, fat hobbitses," said Smeagol with his psychopathic grin. "Nice ride, Smeag," replied Frodo, the driver of the car. "Bye now," said Smeagol. He floored his Beetle and soon after reached the coast of Europe.
"Oooo, time to use other switch, precious," said Smeagol. And he did so. His car turned into small yellow submarine. As it submerged and headed off towards America, Smeagol sang a little song to himself, accompanied by a very odd dance.
"Wes all lives in a yellow submarines, yellow submarines, yellow submarines. Wes all lives in a yellow submarines, yellow submarines, yellow submarines my preciouss!" he sang, waving his large, bony hands in front of his face like windshield wipers.
The next day, Smeagol arrived on the East Coast of the United States in Norfolk, Virginia. There, Smeagol flipped the water switch into its starting position, and it turned into a car again. Then he drove on, day, after day, through Kentucky, Missouri, Kansas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada. He took a stop in Las Vegas to visit shiny places. There the creature was introduced to the wonders of a strip club. The next day, Smeagol took his valiant journey into California. He passes a sign that made him jump for joy and nearly drive his car off of a bridge. The sign read: San Francisco( 47 miles. He made a stop in Hanford, CA to refresh his coffee supply, and to buy the store out of its fish supply.
The day that followed, Smeagol spotted a sign that said: Welcome to San Francisco, The City by the Bay. Smeagol had the time of his life there. He saw a 49'ers game, went to a Kings game, visited hundreds of gift shops, but never found the beach in the magazine article. As he drove on, he saw it! It was just like in the pictures. "Look at the beautiful, my precious," said Smeagol after parking his car and such.
Smeagol saw a bunch of men standing on boards and riding on them out on the water. Smeagol thought that this looked fun, even though he hated the water. So he went over to the surf shop and rented a board. When he got out onto the water, he found out that he was a very good surfer. Too good, in fact. Smeagol extended his vacation to enter the ranks of pro surfing. He even won the world pro championship! When Smeagol finally returned to his cave, Smeagol decorated his place nicely, and forgot all hatred for nearly anything. The En--- wait a minute, what's this? Could it be... yes it's Paris Hilton. And what is that hideous creature in her arms? That has to be a new breed. "Oh, Smeagol," Paris called to him. Smeagol was a bit scared at first, until Gollum took over. "Is that mine?" said Gollum. "You bet hottie." Paris replied. "Yep, a chip off the old blockses."
THE END
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot.
Summary: Smeagol takes a very interesting trip to a beach in San Francisco.
This story is rated PG-13 for some sexual content, drug and alcohol use, and brief, mild language.
One day, while in his cave in the Misty Mountains, Smeagol found something in the water. It was a Martha Stewart Living magazine. "Oooo, look at scary lady, precious," said Smeagol while looking at the front cover of the magazine. Then Smeagol opened to the first page and started to read. As he read, he found a picture of a beautiful sandy beach and read the article about it.
The article said that the beach was in San Francisco, on the surface of the earth. Smeagol was quite intrigued by the article, and decided to take a long-overdue vacation. "ROAD TRIP, PRECIOUSSSS!!!" yelled Smeagol.
So Smeagol packed his suitcase. It contained his SPF 5,000 suntan lotion, his spare loincloth, and his shades. In the front seat of his Volkswagon Beetle, he had a humongous vat of Colombian Coffee. He had seen an ad for this in his sacred magazine, and immediately went to Mordor's Wal- Mart and bought some.
So Smeagol loaded his suitcase into the back of his Beetle and jumped into the driver's seat. "VROOM, VROOM Preciousss," said Smeagol, starting his car. He started off into the direction of San Francisco. He went about 10 miles or so until he encountered the on-ramp to Interstate 101 to San Francisco. About ten minutes later, he encountered a sign with distances on it. It said Cancun, 7,418 miles; Chicago, 6,250 miles; and San Francisco, 9,716 miles. "This is gonna take a while, precious," said Smeagol, unhappily.
Smeagol drove until eleven o' clock and then looked for a place with a hotel to check into. He stopped at a place called Paris, France and checked into a Holiday Inn. On the elevator up to his room, he encountered a few famous rappers by the names of Chingy, Ludacris, and Snoop Dogg. He also ran into a girl by the name of Paris Hilton. Upon walking by her, she slapped his bottom, saying "Hey cutie." "Don't touch my asses, precious," said Smeagol. "FOOL!" yelled Gollum. "Look at the size of those Titses! I want a piece of that!"
In the room next to them, there was a ruckus like Smeagol had never heard. Smeagol liked the quiet, so he went over to the next room and knocked on the door to see what all the noise was about. A tall man smoking something that looked like a large, misshapen cigarette to Smeagol, but was really a joint overflowing with marijuana. "Hey little man," said the man. "Welcome to the party." "What's party, precious???" Smeagol asked to himself with much confusion. "Hey little fella," said Chingy from the elevator. "Grab some beer and enjoy yourself." Said Chingy from the elevator. 'Beer?' thought Smeagol.
Smeagol had never been so confused in his life. And since he is over 500 years old, that's saying something! Smeagol sat down and tried to figure out what to do with the beer. "What do you do with this stuff?" said Smeagol to the person sitting next to him. She turned to face Smeagol. It was Paris Hilton again! "You pop open the cap like this, and then you drink it all at once." She said. "Oh, thanks." Said Smeagol. So Smeagol chugged the beer. Then Paris said, "Want to go into the back room and have some fun?"
"Hic," replied Smeagol. Smeagol doesn't hold his liquor very well. Then Paris led him into the back room. When they reached the back room, Gollum took over. "Show me your titses, precious." Paris did as she was told. "Oooo, nice titses," said Gollum. "Now show me what you gotses." At this moment, Smeagol recovered his body. Then, he fell asleep. Meanwhile, Paris was getting into mischief and got into Smeagol's loincloth. Then Gollum took over and let's just pretend that we all know how babies are formed. The next morning, Smeagol set off on the road to San Francisco. He found a note with an odd language and a disk-type thing on the front seat of his Beetle. He could decipher most of the note. It read: Dear Short ugly homey: thanks for comin' to my party. Your car is a little different now. I heard that you were on your way to San Fran. Just flip the switch that says water. If you're feelin' like a pimp, then press the button labeled: Pimpin'. Listen to the CD I gave you, and stay away from my girl! Chingy.
Smeagol got into his car and started off. He noticed that he had a new shiny red button on his steering wheel. "Oooo, shiny precious," said Smeagol. He just had to press that button. Thank god that he was on the interstate at 7:00 in the morning. So there he was on I-101, going 110 in his souped up Beetle. Since hardly anyone but Middle-Earthlings travel on it, no one was hurt. Who says that the elderly drive slow? When Smeagol had exhausted his supply of Nitrous oxide, he was nearly to the ocean. There he saw Frodo, Sam, Merry, and Pippin packed into a shitty old Ford Taurus. Then Smeagol flipped the pimpin' switch. "Hi, stupid, fat hobbitses," said Smeagol with his psychopathic grin. "Nice ride, Smeag," replied Frodo, the driver of the car. "Bye now," said Smeagol. He floored his Beetle and soon after reached the coast of Europe.
"Oooo, time to use other switch, precious," said Smeagol. And he did so. His car turned into small yellow submarine. As it submerged and headed off towards America, Smeagol sang a little song to himself, accompanied by a very odd dance.
"Wes all lives in a yellow submarines, yellow submarines, yellow submarines. Wes all lives in a yellow submarines, yellow submarines, yellow submarines my preciouss!" he sang, waving his large, bony hands in front of his face like windshield wipers.
The next day, Smeagol arrived on the East Coast of the United States in Norfolk, Virginia. There, Smeagol flipped the water switch into its starting position, and it turned into a car again. Then he drove on, day, after day, through Kentucky, Missouri, Kansas, Colorado, Utah, and Nevada. He took a stop in Las Vegas to visit shiny places. There the creature was introduced to the wonders of a strip club. The next day, Smeagol took his valiant journey into California. He passes a sign that made him jump for joy and nearly drive his car off of a bridge. The sign read: San Francisco( 47 miles. He made a stop in Hanford, CA to refresh his coffee supply, and to buy the store out of its fish supply.
The day that followed, Smeagol spotted a sign that said: Welcome to San Francisco, The City by the Bay. Smeagol had the time of his life there. He saw a 49'ers game, went to a Kings game, visited hundreds of gift shops, but never found the beach in the magazine article. As he drove on, he saw it! It was just like in the pictures. "Look at the beautiful, my precious," said Smeagol after parking his car and such.
Smeagol saw a bunch of men standing on boards and riding on them out on the water. Smeagol thought that this looked fun, even though he hated the water. So he went over to the surf shop and rented a board. When he got out onto the water, he found out that he was a very good surfer. Too good, in fact. Smeagol extended his vacation to enter the ranks of pro surfing. He even won the world pro championship! When Smeagol finally returned to his cave, Smeagol decorated his place nicely, and forgot all hatred for nearly anything. The En--- wait a minute, what's this? Could it be... yes it's Paris Hilton. And what is that hideous creature in her arms? That has to be a new breed. "Oh, Smeagol," Paris called to him. Smeagol was a bit scared at first, until Gollum took over. "Is that mine?" said Gollum. "You bet hottie." Paris replied. "Yep, a chip off the old blockses."
THE END