WHAT A NIGHTMARE! WHAT A WEEK!
or "The Ravnos Antediluvian wakes up"
Deep inside a lost mountain somewhere near India. The Ravnos Antediluvian [who henceforth shall be referred to as Ravnos, not Dracian, Ravanna or Zapath-whatever. Let's keep it simple] is slumbering in deep torpor. Suddenly he stirs.
RAVNOS
I've been sleeping deep and long
Unaware of what goes on
But I sense a great disturbance
Like way back when with Miss Fur Hands
His eyes shoot open, and a tentative drum beat begins to play
RAVNOS
Somewhere Ravnos blood is spilled
Fact that makes me less than thrilled
(Realizes)
This can hardly be for real
Fools are killing off my meal!
He blasts out from the mountain and insanely loud electric guitars start trashing.
Cut to Dr. Douglas Netchurch's facility in North Carolina. The Malkavian scientist is standing next to a violently twitching vampire who is strapped in bed.
NETCHUCRH
My thinbloods threw a nasty fit
Now they're all chanting in Sanskrit
And I must the reason seek
What a nightmare! What a week!
The guitars calm down a bit. Again in India, an old and powerful Kuei-Jin and her ally are leading their acolytes forward.
TIEH JU & CHOU LI
The Wheel too soon is turning
Too soon this world is burning
Join us now, don't hesitate
Stop him now, it's not too late
Meanwhile Ravnos himself is already facing three insanely old and powerful Kuei-Jin Bodhisattvas at the Bangladesh floodplains
BODHISATTVAS
You beast! Prepare to meet your doom
For your kind this earth has no room
(Small pause, then curiously)
Clarify though first one thing:
"Rroma founder... Yama king?"
Ravnos blushes. Guitars become louder again
RAVNOS
I won't comment on those rumors
Come! I long to spill your humors
BODHISATTVAS
You're quite strong, but we're not weak
What a nightmare! What a week!
All around the world, members of clan Ravnos are suddenly getting free extra levels of Chimestry
CLAN RAVNOS
We are feeling rather wild
Let's go crazy, ACID STYLE!
They start running around the streets, looting and projecting increasingly ridiculous illusions. An Orthodox Ravnos Purist emerges on the street, looks at the martians and dinosaurs, and starts waving the revised clanbook frantically
RAVNOS PURIST
You all should be flogged, no less
Illusions ain't for silliness
They should NOT be used this way
They are a subtle tool, I say!
A gigantic Horrid Reality whale drops on him and he enters torpor
["How we quit the forest"]
[A short, educational interlude]
A pack of werewolves are making their way towards the center of the storm.
WEREWOLF #1
Come my brethren! Let us slay the Wyrm-Beast and cleanse it's foul taint from Gaia's soil!
The other werewolves stop and look at him, confused
WEREWOLF #2
Uh... What are you talking about?
WEREWOLF #3
Yeah, dude. Did you eat something funny?
WEREWOLF #1 Not understanding
Why? Are we not Garou, Gaia's chosen warriors?
Werewolf #2 looks puzzled
WEREWOLF #2
Look, there's obviously some misunderstanding. We are Lupines.
WEREWOLF #3
Yeah. Bestial berserkers infected with lycantrophy.
WEREWOLF #1
Yes, but do we not slay vampires?
WEREWOLF #2
Well, yeah, but only because we're like twice as bloodthirsty ourselves.
WEREWOLF #1
So... No Garou?
WEREWOLF #2
No.
WEREWOLF #1
And no spirit mentors?
WEREWOLF #3
None whatsoever.
WEREWOLF #1
And what about Wyrm-thingies?
WEREWOLF #2 (Smiling)
Only if you haven't taken your shots.
WEREWOLF #1 (Blushing)
Gosh, guys. I feel so stupid. Well, I guess I'll be going then.
Werewolf #1 steps sideways and vanishes
WEREWOLF #2
A pleasant enough fellow. But I wonder how he did that?
[And now back to tonight's feature]
Ravnos is pinning one Bodhisattva down with one hand and slashing at the two to keep them away
RAVNOS
Feel my madness! Feel my hate!
I'll call nightmares to my aid!
He conjures up vampire cobras, souleaters, abominations, Heinrich Himmler and an ashtray
BODHISATTVA
Oh, we have nasty tricks as well
We'll open up the gates of hell!
They rip reality open, causing a violent supernatural storm. Ravnos realizes something
RAVNOS
Dawn is just around the corner
Little time-out is in order?
Tieh Ju and Chou Li are watching the battle from a distance
TIEH JU & CHOU LI
We'll raise a typhoon in sun's way
You can fight non-stop night and day
Ravnos gives them a thumbs-up and resumes fighting. Meanwhile a buch of wraiths are anjoying the show
WRAITHS
There's a tiger! There's a crane!
Have they all gone quite insane?
Rather quirky, so to speak
What a Nightmare! What a week!
In a Technocrat operations center Agent Schiavelli is reading reports of the events. His aide comes to him.
SCHIAVELLI Speaking
Yes?
AIDE
We deployed our solar mirrors
But that typhoon blocked the ray
Then we tried to clear it by force...
Someone holds the clouds that way!
Schiavelli looks annoyed
SCHIAVELLI
Well, since this IS code Ragnarok
Let's give the land a little shock
Let's neutron bomb this sucker's pants
Yes, let's fry ALL THE DEVIANTS!!!
He smashes his hand on a big red button, cackling maniacally
Suddenly the denizen's of the Bangladesh floodplains stop worrying about supernatural storms and start worrying about nuclear hellfire
BODHISATTVAS
Pure energy! Oh, the pain!
They go whoosh
Everyone else goes whoosh
Except Ravnos. He just gets a little charred. What, you thought being bombarded with nuclear missiles would kill him? He has Fortitude 10! And the lame surplus Techie nukes only do like 12 agg, or something.
RAVNOS
All the others bit the dust
I'm not easy to combust
All it did was make me angry...
(Notices Tieh Ju and Chou Li who are still around, because apparently, if you stand a little bit away from a nuclear explosion, you won't be utterly annihilated)
Angry... and a little hungry!
He starts approaching the pair
TIEH JU
Zao-Lat's funky brother
You sure gave us trouble
RAVNOS
I'm really hungry, let me feed!
CHOU LI
I know EXACTLY what you need.
He releases the storm and the magnified solar rays hit them all. Everyone dies. Happy end. Except for the Ravnos clan, which goes insane and diablerizes itself almost completely.
Sometime later, a top secret Camarilla meeting. Prominent figures, such as Queen Anne and Francois Villon, are present. Marcus Vitel, wearing a badge that says "I'm a Ventrue" is adressing everyone
VITEL
Something weird is going on:
Ravnos clan is all but gone
And the reason can be just one...
ANNE
Ante-fucking-deluvian?
Panic spreads through the room as the elders start whispering frantically. Finally Villon stands up
VILLON
Let's not sound the alarm bells
Maybe it was something else
And IF this was the starting fight
It's over now, and we survived
Vitel looks at him sneakily and taps his nose
VITEL
I'm sure that is what YOU believe
But I know he has CHEMISTRY!
He tricked you all with level ten
And soon he will be back again!
The room falls silent. Everyone looks at Vitel, disappointed.
VILLON
Dude. I'm not even going to start. Just... Just get out of here, OK?
Vitel leaves, muttering to himself
VITEL
Fine. Don't believe me. By my pin, you shall see...
Fade to black. Giant letters:
"GEHENNA: THE MUSICAL. COMING FEB '04"