WHERE DID WE GO WRONG?
or "The Ballad of an Eager Suitor"
Lambach Ruthven is running through the Carpathians, scared out of his mind, as usual. He stops to shake his fist at a passing flock of birds
LAMBACH
Dammit, Tzim'! I'm a Methuselah, not a plaything!
Then he continues running. After a few minutes, he stops to lean against a tree for a while. Sad music begins to play.
LAMBACH
I know too much
I saw too much
I wish we'd never met
The sight of you
The scent of you
Now fills my mind with dread
The tree's branches begin streching down at Lambach. He screams and runs to a nearby cave where he huddles in a corner
LAMBACH
We failed back then
We'll fail again
It makes me feel so sad
You bring me pain
You bring me shame
Though I've been a good lad
On a wall, a patch of moss gathers together and forms a mouth. Lambach is frozen in terror. It's Tzimisce (or, as well call this incarnation, Neo Tzimisce. It's a nod to Japanese RPGs, not the Matrix!). The mouth smiles at him and begins to sing
NEO TZIMISCE
I want you, but not by force
For that you are too dear
You are mine, I am your source
I just want you to hear
Lambach summons up enough courage to run out of the cave, still hearing the eerie voice behind him
NEO TZIMISCE
Why can't we get along?
Where did we go wrong?
Lambach trips over a rock and, as he's rising notices a pretty flower on the ground. He picks it up
LAMBACH
You haunt me so
Just let me go
I fear you, can't you see?
Just say goodbye
Then maybe I
Can find my destiny
He is just about to smell the flower, but then he sees it has produced two eyes and a mouth, grinning at him. He screams and drops the flower, which sings
NEO TZIMISCE
No, please don't run
Our flesh is one
I'm everything you need
Please understand
My little Lamb'
And help me spread my seed
Lambach begins to look annoyed
LAMBACH
I don't want your twisted love
You omnipresent jerk!
The flower wilts and dies. Lambach looks relieved, but then a fawn runs to him and continues, in the same voice
NEO TZIMISCE
You're so cute when you play tough
But we can make it work
Lambach kicks the fawn over and runs some more
NEO TZIMISCE
Our bond is just that strong
So where did we go wrong?
Finally Lambach quits running. He turns at the closest incarnation of the Eldest (incidentally, a white rabbit with nasty, pointed teeth), and starts to yell, horribly off-key
LAMBACH
Because you're ev-ry-where to me-yyy!
And when I...
The rabbit looks alarmed and cuts him off
NEO TZIMISCE
Whoa, there! I know you're my chosen one, but if you are going to start quoting Michelle Branch, then maybe we need to take a break... (Starts to back away) I wonder what Vykos looks like, these days?
The rabbit runs off and Lambach smirks
LAMBACH
I should have though of that years ago.
He hears somebody approach and hides behind a tree. It's Etrius and Tremere, who's occupying Goratrix's body, since his own body is in such demand these days
TREMERE (Explaining to Etrius)
He'll pay for eating up my clan
So I've devised a masterplan
We'll free the demon from the soil
And thus The Dragon's plans we foil!
ETRIUS (Carefully)
Wait a sec, boss, just hold steady
Was it not released already
By a magic munchkin sword?
Tremere looks at him threateningly
TREMERE
Such claims you can not afford!
ETRIUS (Grinning)
So, one *could* say that we are, like, chasing the dr-
TREMERE (Cutting him off)
Finish that pun and I'll have to hurt you.
Lambach appears from behind the tree
LAMBACH (Completely deadpan serious)
I just wanted to say, good luck. We're all counting on you.
He runs off. Tremere looks puzzled
TREMERE
Who was that?
ETRIUS
I have no idea, sir. (He looks around) Listen, I hate to cut to the chase, but unless we sever Kupala's bonds and nip Tzimisce plans in the bud, soon all our tools will be insufficient!
TREMERE (Furious)
Cut? Sever? Nip? INSUFFICIENT TOOLS?!?! Blasted Etrius, is there no end to your puns? Must you constantly remind me of the genital shortcomings of this new body?
Etrius is about to answer, when a Salubri warrior leaps from the shadows, wielding a large sword and looking rather confident.
TREMERE (Bored)
Oh, great, another Salubri avenger. How many does that make, Etrius?
ETRIUS (Checking his notes)
That's... That's the sixth today, sir.
SALUBRI #6
It's time to pay, Arch-Usurper!
Salubri #6 dashes at Tremere. Suddenly the ground beneath him shakes and The Tzimisce Dragon (which we'll call Tzimisce X) bursts out, swallowing the poor warrior whole
TZIMISCE X
Ten million ways, you know the drill
It's time to swoop in for the kill!
Tzimisce X lunges at the warlocks
TREMERE (To Etrius, calmly)
I wanna cast... magic missile!
ETRIUS (Leafing frantically through a spell book)
I'm on it, boss! Let's see... Contents... Magic Missile... Page XX? WHERE THE HELL IS PAGE XX?!
TREMERE (Exasperated)
Forget it! I'll just blast him with "Summon Kupala"!
He raises his hands and the ground begins to shake. A giant hand forms, bitch-slapping Tzimisce X. Then it start choking him
KUPALA'S VOICE
Who's the tough guy now, huh? Say uncle! Say it!
The hand drags Tzimisce X underground.
KUPALA'S VOICE
Who's your daddy? Say my name, bitch!
Finally the earth spits the final incarnation of Tzimisce (Tzimisce Zero) in front of Etrius and Tremere. It's a short human male, dressed in a jester's garb
TZIMISCE ZERO
Aww... Shit.
Tremere starts pointing at Tzimisce Zero and giggling like a fool
TREMERE
Hah! Ah ha! Look at that, Etrius! Tzimisce... He's a fucking midget! Ha!
TZIMISCE ZERO
Shut up, Captain Castration! This is your OWN damn body!
TREMERE (Screams)
Liar! I was tall and handsome!
Tremere lunges at Tzimisce Zero and begins diablerizing him
TREMERE
Hey, I taste pretty good!
The dialerie finished, Tremere turns to face Etrius
ETRIUS
So... what now?
Before Tremere can answer, a rabid coterie of Caitiff descends on him
RABID CAITIFF
Let's get it on!!! Again!!
TREMERE
Huh...What? Nevermind, I'm an Antedeluvian again! This should be easy! (Points his cheesy wand at the Caitiff) Avada Kedavra!
A puff of smoke comes from the wand
TREMERE (Increasing panic)
It's not working! Etrius, why isn't it working?
ETRIUS (Shrugs)
The Withering, sir?
TREMERE
But I just diablerized a frickin' Antediluvian! Diablerie is supposed to counter the Withering, that's the whole point! Why didn't- Argh!
The Caitiff hack him to pieces. Etrius flees in panic
NEXT in Act 6:
FishMalks!