MY CHILDER
or "The Madness Network Montage"
A Malkavian... No, a horribly "wacky" (ugh) Fishmalk is sitting in his toystore haven talking to his teddy bear
FISHMALK
He's coming, Mr. Snoggy-Fangs... *giggles* ...He's coming!
He screams as he is overcome by the collective mind of Malkav, falling on the floor. Then he rises, a maniacal grin on his face, and begins to sing. Slow string music is playing in the background
MALKAV
My childer are all parts of me
And now just like me they will be!
I'll just surf from head to head
To overthrow this crazy net!
The music stops
MALKAV
So...
Steal the scene, shout it out
Wear your bunny slippers proud!
A very upbeat tune starts to play as the montage begins. Cut to a vampire staked in a basement
MALKAV
This one saw it fit to quote
Limp Bizkit to the Prince
Pan to reveal another vampire lying next to him
MALKAV
This one wanted to elope
With Nosferatu twins
Cut to a vampire huddled in a corner, rocking back and forth
MALKAV
This one, seeing firemen
Would throw autistic fits
A guy looking like Magnum walks in and the autistic vampire stands up, grinning
MALKAV
Show him a full moustache then
He'll soon regain his wits
The beat stops, and the slow strings return. The autistic vampire slashes "Magnum" with a straight razor and sings
MALKAV
My childer are all so unique
For madness they harbor a streak
Now I'm back to make it heard
"Fishmalk" ain't a dirty word!
The music stops again
MALKAV
So...
Have some fun, make fart sounds
Wave straight razors all around!
The fast and cheery tempo returns. Cut to two hooded figures in a candle-lit cave, bowing to an empty space
MALKAV
These two lead a cult so fierce
It's like the True Black Hand
One Del'Roh from your darkest fears
One Inquisitor Grand
Cut to a man raving at the streets. He has drawn a third eye on his forehead with a magic marker
MALKAV
This one claimed himself the son
Of a prophetic line
A woman walks up to him and offers a rusty utensil
MALKAV
This one peddled spoons for fun
She did it all the time
Slow strings. The prophet and the spoon vendor join hands and sing
MALKAV
My childer are sisters and brothers
Though some a bit odder than others
They surprise the world with their pranks
But never receive enough thanks
Music stops
MALKAV
So...
Gibber on, start a fight
Eat your crayons in one bite!
Upbeat. Cut to a vampire using just about every obscure discipline at the same time
MALKAV
This one posessed thirteen minds
Each set up for one clan
Cut to another vampire, dressed in an old witch-hunter's garb, brandishing a cross and a stake
MALKAV
This one is -he now reminds-
A vampire-hunting man
Cut to a drooling vampire in a straight-jacket
MALKAV
This one was the pope in June
In July, Black Hand member
By August, Fremen from the Dune
A Garou in September
VOICE
Stop! Enough of this insanity!
The collective Malkav stops singing and turns it's global attentions towards two figures. One is hooded but the other one is clearly recognisable
MALKAV
You! Ankla Hotep! The False Caine! You must die!
ANKLA HOTEP
No. I'm here to stop you for good.
MALKAV
You will die! We are the entity that says "Canon"! We guard the sacred words "Retcon" and "Non-Canon"!
ANKLA HOTEP (Whispering to his companion)
Those who hear them very seldom appear in future books.
MALKAV
We will erase you from canon! We will remove non-canonical elements from Gehenna! All will be assimilated! That's the purpose we created the Word Eater for!
ANKLA HOTEP (Horrified)
But that's... That's madness!
MALKAV (Deadpan)
Well... Duh.
ANKLA HOTEP
So you're just... forbidding everything YOU deem non-canon?
MALKAV (Laughing)
Everything! Luckily, you are the worst thing that got through from Berlin by Night. We don't think even we could have handled the Embraced Cobras or...
The hooded figure interrupts him in the worst war movie Gestapo accent EVER
HOODED FIGURE
Or vho?
He drops is hood to reveal the second most infamous thing ever to appear in a WW book, the unbondable Tremere Antitribu...
HEINRICH HIMMLER
Gut evening, Herr Malkav. Mine Freund Herr Caine here told me he vould be needing mine...how do say? Assistanze.
The collective Malkav gives an agonizing scream
MALKAV
No! Anathema! Non-canon! Misrule!
HIMMLER (Smugly)
Ja! I am ze very Lord of ze Misrule! ...Und mine dual Japanese battle svords vill be koming soon, too. Und ze sekksy Kat-Vampyre Gangrels! Und ze Kinder of ze Ozziris! Und...
Malkav's scream grows unbearable. Then, the head of every being subsumed by Malkav explodes. Himmler smiles arrogantly
HIMMLER
Vell. Zat vent quite nicely. Eh, Herr Caine?
He turns to pat Ankla Hotep on the shoulder
HIMMLER
Herr Caine?
As Himmler's hand touches it, Hotep's form falls to the ground, nothing more than an empty sack of skin
HIMMLER
Was zum Teufel?
Somewhere, a coyote laughs. Before Himmler can think about it, the ground begins to shake, forming into a giant mouth
HIMMLER
Nein! Gott im Himmel! Neeeeiiinn!
The Gangrel progenitor Ennoia, newly earthmelded with, well, Earth, chomps him down in one go
NEXT in Act 7:
Transcendent Antediluvians!