EARTH, BLOOD AND DARKNESS
or "The Transcendent Antediluvians' Jam"
We pick up where we left off (for once) as the first Gangrel, Ennoia, is opening her mouths around the world
ENNOIA
If you thought Tzimmy's plan was much:
"All life on Earth within my clutch!"
Well, now I *am* the Earth as such!
She opens a huge maw under a bunch of silly lupines
SILLY LUPINES
Aargh! A Thunderwyrm! The Jaws of the True Father!
Before the silly lupines are swallowed, they get hit by a holy anti-crossover lighting bolt and burn to ash
ENNOIA
Feed my bottomless des-ayah!
I'm no longer a vamp-ayah!
I just took the place of Gaia!
Somewhere in the heavens, baby's crying can be heard
Meanwhile, Haqim himself has returned to his clan and managed to set up a meeting with Al-Ashrad and ur-Shulgi (ha, like they'd dare to say no to him). The three men are standing on a cliff near Alamut
AL-ASHRAD
Greetings, sir, it's nice to see
You're back to shed some clarity
(Points at ur-Shulgi)
Now, was HE right or was it ME?
Haqim shrugs and eyes him hungrily
HAQIM
It's been so long, it matters not
All I crave for now is blood
UR-SHULGI (Grins)
That sounds a lot like me, my God!
HAQIM (NOT grinning)
Good. In that case, you shall be the first.
UR-SHULGI (Thumbing his nose at Al-Ashrad)
Nyah nyah nyah, I was right! I was... Hey?
He doesn't even have time to react before Haqim diablerizes him. Then the ancient looks at Al-Ashrad
AL-ASHRAD (Gulp!)
Note to self: "Assamites older than me? All mad."
HAQIM (Lunging at him)
You betcha!
After draining both of his lieutenants, Haqim spreads his arms and explodes into a breeze of desert wind. Then he flies through the middle-eastern nightsky
HAQIM
Transcending the physical body? Can't say I hate it!
Meanwhile Giangaleazzo, the treacherous Lasombra Antitribu Prince of Milan is writing a letter to his fellow unpronouncables Abdalkutba, Eshmunamash and Huitzilopoctli, while a ghoul is combing his hair. Suddenly a being of pure shadow appears before him
GIANGALEAZZO
It's you!
LASOMBRA
How are you, gentlemen?
The ghoul panics and runs
LASOMBRA
Well hiya G, what did I miss
On my brief stay in the Abyss?
C'mon champ, give us a kiss!
His shadow-form envelopes and exsanguinates Giangaleazzo
LASOMBRA
Mmm... Nothing like devouring your progeny to start the week!
A map montage of Lasombra slithering through Europe, heading north... All the way up to Finland.
LASOMBRA
Hey, where are the polar bears?
He seeks out his blood-bound servant and one of the most powerful thaumaturges in the world, Louhi, the 5th gen Malkavian granny, who wasn't subsumed by Malkav
LASOMBRA
Throughout the years, with all her might
A faithful servant of the Night
Now help me rid this world of light!
He pauses
LASOMBRA (Excited)
But first...Let's see some polar bears!
LOUHI (Blink)
...There are no polar bears in Finland, my lord.
LASOMBRA
Really? Bummer. (If shadow-stuff could shrug, this would be the moment) Oh well, let's do this.
LOUHI (Pointing at a circle)
Please enter the ritual circle.
Lasombra's shadow-from slides into the circle. Louhi begins to chant. There's a giant flash, the sky darkens and the stars vanish...
...For a few seconds. Then they return, and a suddenly very human-shaped Lasombra notices he is paralyzed inside the mad thaumaturge's circle
LASOMBRA
What the...?
LOUHI (Cackling gleefully)
Perfect!
Ennoia is wreaking more havoc, causing earthquakes and stuff, generally being a nice little parasite to the entire planet
ENNOIA
There's no escape, there is no doubt
You all are in, there's no way out
The planet's just a giant mouth!
She swallows the sanctuary where the Chosen from the Wormwood scenario would have hidden, had it not been for the time-rewinding antics
ENNOIA
And when I need my foes to kill
I'll move a mountain, move a hill
Then grind them in my rocky mill!
Ennoia opens her mouth in California, completely destroying a small town. Only a single schoolbus escapes. Luckily, an arrogant wannabe-cockney vampire currently residing in the town sacrifices himelf and uses a magical amulet to pacify Ennoia
What? It could happen
Cue a map montage, similar to the Lasombra one, except this one has windy Haqim flying around the mediterranian
HAQIM
I have a rather pleasant hunch
My Sandy Claws will slay the bunch
Then I'll have Justicars for lunch!
He ambushes a secret Camarilla meeting in France, his windy form blowing through the participants and slaying the lot of them. Madame Guil, the Toreador Justicar, is screaming, bleeding from her eyes
GUIL
No! I can't see! It's the poisonous invisible elves!
A while later Fatima al-Faqadi, the famous Assamite, is in a mosque, killing time. Suddenly she feels a desert wind beginning to blow
FATIMA
You can kill me, it's all the same
For my actions I feel no shame
And for them all, love is to blame
The wind grows harder, but then stops. Fatima looks ecstatic. Suddenly a mysterious Setite bursts through the door
SETITE (Looking around)
OK! Where is he? WHERE IS HE?
FATIMA
Grandfather Haqim has just left.
The Setite throws his hands in the air and we notice he is holding an empty glass jar in one hand
SETITE
Damnation! Why am I always too late? (Looks at Fatima) And what are you smiling about?
FATIMA
He judged me worthy. Now I can face anything with a smile.
The Setite gets a "You're kidding, right?"-face
SETITE
So... A mad blood-god didn't feel like offing you and that makes you what? A saint? Completely redeemed?
The wind begins to blow again
FATIMA (Mischievous grin)
Looks like he has returned to judge YOU...
SETITE
I'm ready! (Leaps into the sandstorm, wielding the glass jar) Gonna get me some of that Essence of Assamite!
As Haqim strips the flesh from his bones, the Setite smiles
SETITE
Ah... all... so... clear... now... Lord... Se- (dies)
And let's see if Lasombra can boss his way out of Louhi's trap... Doesn't look too promising
LASOMBRA
Why are you doing this? I thought you worshipped me!
LOUHI (Winks)
You know that "Blood Bond" thing?
Well, due to Withering
It's wearing kinda thin...
She sinks her fangs in Lasombra's throat. In a moment, the shady bastard is dust and Louhi is radiating with power
LOUHI
This old gal will rule the land
Just the way I always planned
Stir beneath the waves and sand!
Summoned by Louhi, a giant lizard-like sea monster rises from the sea in Helsinki, rampaging through the downtown. As the lizard passes the central railway station, a guy waiting for the night bus winks and waves at the audience
The lizard stomps him into fine paste
Finally it arrives at the senate square, sitting on top of the cathedral. Louhi levitates to the lizard and pats it
LOUHI
My beautiful Iku-Turso! You will help me conquer this land! Then we shall take Sweden and use their bridge to storm Denmark! The fools will never know what hit them! The reign of Clan Louhi has just b-
The lizard eats her
ABSIMILIARD
Checkmate.
NEXT in Act 8:
Absimiliard's revenge!