UGLY HEART
or "Absimiliard's Song"
Absimiliard, the Nosferatu Antediluvian, is sitting in the belly of his giant lizard, riding it south-west from Finland. It's really dark in the belly, so Absimiliard is getting bored. He starts crooning in a Gollum-esque way
ABSIMILIARD
They all think I'm a freak
I hear them when they speak
"He's a caveman, an ugly brute"
He grins to himself
ABSIMILIARD
And so I learned to hide
Now I won't be denied
And I will rip their skins so smooth!
Sarah the Shaper, the unknown Antediluvian from the Gehenna book (I believe she's the Embraced twin of Bob the Builder), appears and starts bombarding the lizard with clay pots
SARAH THE SHAPER
I'll redecorate your haven, you big meanie you!
I probably don't have to say what the lizard does to her. Anyway, the brief meeting makes Absimiliard a bit sentimental and he starts to reminisce
ABSIMILIARD
My sire marred my face
When fighting to Embrace
Just to show off, before the kill
He lets out a phlegmy chuckle
ABSIMILIARD
She'll bother me no more
I killed that stupid whore
But after that, all went downhill
He shrugs and begins the chorus
ABSIMILIARD
Caine said "You have an ugly heart"
He said that's where my troubles start
So now my complexion is "wart"
Because I had an ugly heart
The lizard roams through Central Europe. As a test of it's abilities, Absimiliard has makes it pick up a man with it's claws
THE TESTMAN
Help! I PHEAR the giant lizard!
But the lizard shows no pity. It gobbles him down. In the belly Absimiliard grabs the poor man
ABSIMILIARD
I hate e-ve-ryone
And it's easily done
Since after all, they all hate me
He drinks him dry, knowing that the blood won't nourish him. What do you expect? He's is a frickin' misanthrope!
ABSIMILIARD
Yes, even my own clan
Will perish by my hand
Since after all, they should not be
His army of ghouled monsters rises from the earth and sea to follow the lizard. With Ravnos and Tzimisce dead and Ennoia pacified, he is now the only master of Animalism left to control the hordes of...you guessed it
Mice.
ABSIMILIARD
I'll make sure someone dies
For now I have my mice!
And my revenge will be so sweet!
The lizard crosses the French border and starts heading towards Paris. Absimiliard's voice resonates from the beast's belly, more hateful than ever
ABSIMILIARD
So Arikel, my babe
Let's have a final date
Oh yes, let's make old lovers meet!
The tone becomes a bit more wistful with the chorus
ABSIMILIARD
She said "You're ugly, like your heart"
And then she swiftly did depart
My belly sags, my ass is scarred
It's all thanks to my ugly heart
The lizard and the ghoul mice arrive at the outskirts of what was previously known as Paris. Now it has transformed into an outrageously beautiful fairy-tale city, which somehow still maintains an aura of dignity and style. Absimiliard continues with more resolve
ABSIMILIARD
Perhaps I have an ugly heart
And maybe I'm not all that smart
Her limb by limb I'll tear apart
I know this in my ugly heart!
With this the lizard rushes into the city
Arikel is currently listening to her servants chanting 'Ode to the Great Arikel' verse #462. Villon approaches her
VILLON
Your elaborate marvelousness, I must inform you that Absimiliard's force is closing in on us!
Arikel stands up, and waves her perfectly petite hand to silence the servants, prompting an 'ahhh' from the crowds
ARIKEL
Here comes he with an ugly heart
To storm my beautiful rampart
His blood could be my winning card
So I'll consume his ugly heart!
VILLON (Nodding eagerly)
What should WE do, most sweaty-naughty-feelings-causing one?
ARIKEL
Deal with them!
VILLON
At once, most glamorous yet tasteful one!
Villon leads the fanatic hordes of Parisians against Absimiliard's mice and the giant lizard. Absimiliard's monsters fight valiantly, but are no match to the crazed Frenchman who commands legion after legion of combat bards, ninja dancers and painters of mass destruction. The giant lizard wavers and falls. Dazed Absimiliard stumbles from it's mouth
ARIKEL
Francois! Be a dear and grab him before he escapes!
VILLON (Pleading)
Please, o groove-tastic one! I don't wish to *touch* him!
ARIKEL
Francois... Don't make me use my important voice!
VILLON (Sighs)
Very well, o glittering, glistening Arikel.
He attacks Absimiliard with inhuman speed and grabs his arms in a lock from behind. The butt-ugly ancient laughs
ABSIMILIARD
You think you've won? You forget that I have an elite squad of god-like Methuselahs who have transcended vampiric powers! Nicktuku! Attack!
Arikel looks a bit worried. The sight of her trembling lower lip immediately prompts thousands of people to hopelessly weep and commit suicide
ABSIMILIARD (Maniacal laughter)
Hahahaha! Kill them all!
Nothing happens
ABSIMILIARD (Confused)
I'm sure they'll arrive any second now...
Nothing still happens
ABSIMILIARD
Shit! Where ARE they?
Cut to a room with some of the Nicktuku lying dead and bloodied on the floor and others badly wounded. The Nicktuku Vasilisa looks around, half his teeth missing and his left hand bent in an unnatural angle
VASILISA (Weakly)
Guys? I think we underestimated this bastard Childe...
Suddenly he is pinned down by The Largest Arms in the World of Darkness®
EL DIABLO VERDE
ARRRRRRRRRRRIBA LA RAZA!! Come and get it rudos! Have you no cojones? Face la mascara verde you cowardly niñitas!
Cut back to Paris. Arikel smiles sadly (causing a thousand people to drop to their knees) and approaches Absimiliard
ABSIMILIARD
Again you broke my ugly heart
For you, I guess, it is an art
Arikel strokes his hideous face, almost pitying the wretched thing
ARIKEL
But now we'll never be apart
For I'll consume your ugly heart
A single tear of blood rolls down her cheek as she diablerizes him. Every mortal within a ten mile radius drops dead from the sheer angsty tragedy of it all. When the deed is done, a gentle rain washes the streets. Arikel sighs and addresses Villon
ARIKEL (Weakly)
Francois?
VILLON (Worried)
Yes, most tingly and wonderful one?
ARIKEL (Tired)
I think I need a relaxing bath. Prepare the scented candles!
VILLON (Relieved)
Yes ma'am! Do you require three hundred oiled and muscular male slaves to administer the loofah, or will two hundred suffice?
ARIKEL (Yawns)
Let's make it three hundred. I think I've earned it.
NEXT in Act 9:
Uncle G!