UNCLE G!
or "A Necromancer's Dream"

Augustus Giovanni is having the best night he can remember. The grand majority of his clan has arrived at the Giovanni headquarters in Venice for a giant feast in his honour. Everyone is seated at a large table, with Augustus, of course, sitting at the top. There's a number of vampires staked along the lenght of the table, for easy feeding. A band is playing chamber music

Augustus stands up and clears his throat

AUGUSTUS
My dear friends and clanmates! To think that merely a year ago we had almost given up on the plan of Endless Night! Who would have guessed that we'd live to see...

ANNOYING GIOVANNI NEONATE (Cutting him off)
Boo! Don't say live! Say unlive!

AUGUSTUS (Ignoring him)
...to see Gehenna come and cause enough mortal deaths for us to reinstate the plan and start tearing the Shroud almost immediately?

Everybody cheers and Pochtli, the progenitor of the Pisanob bloodline, stands up

POCHTLI
Everyone! I'd like to announce that last night I diablerized the Capuchin in order to better serve the clan!

There's light-hearted laughter and random applause at this. Pocthli seats himself, and Isabel, the Giovanni spy inside the Camarilla, stands up

ISABEL
We also have complete control over what remains of the world's goverments!

ANNOYING GIOVANNI NEONATE
Boo! Vampires don't "control" anything, they "influence"!

ISABEL (Muttering, sits down)
Obviously you have never played a Hunter game...

Augustus picks a mummified claw from the table and shakes it. A transparent ghost of a hulking man materializes hovering over the table

AMBROGINO
Greetings, Augustus. We have almost finished extracting the greatest warrior ever from an ashtray I found in the Shadowlands. When we ghoul him he will make a fine champion for the clan.

ANNOYING GIOVANNI NEONATE
Boo! Hiss! "Ghoul" is not a verb! Boo!

AUGUSTUS (Getting angry)
Okay, can somebody shut that guy up? He's being really immature and clearly has no loyalty to the clan!

ANNOYING GIOVANNI NEONATE
Ha! Vampires don't have loyalty to anyone! And they are unable to mature emotionally! Ha ha!

The annoying neonate sticks his tongue at Augustus. Then, suddenly, he has his head chopped off by a rather zealous Dunsirn

DUNSIRN
Ach, nobody likes'em preachy, laddie!

AUGUSTUS
Thank you! Now, where were we, Ambrogino?

AMBROGINO
Well, I took the liberty of arranging a little something which I'm sure will please you.

He signals the band. The music switches to a cheery marching tone. Enter Victoria Ash, the winsome Toreador minx, dressed like Liza Minelli in Cabaret (or Catherine Zeta-Jones in the beginning of Chicago). Mad cheering from the guests. She starts to sing and dance in a flashy manner

ASH
There is a clan
A certain clan
To tear the Shroud
and make us proud
They will do all they can

She starts pawing Augustus while dancing around him. Augustus winks at the guests. Laughter

ASH
Led by a chap
Who's bald and fat
He ain't no pansy
Necromancy
Shows him where it's at

She grabs a chair and dances around it, provoking more cheers from her audience

ASH
Who likes it when
His stats read "Ten"?
But wouldn't get
A bit upset
If he were fifteenth gen!

She struts confidently towards the table, flashing a winning smile

ASH
A massive frame
That knows no shame
I'll bet your head
you're not undead
If you don't know his name!

She jumps on the table and addresses the guests

ASH
Who could it be?

EVERYONE
Who could it be?

ASH
It's Uncle G!

EVERYONE
It's Auggie G!
(Augustus glares at them)
He doesn't like that "Auggie"
He likes good old Uncle G!

Ash beckons Augustus to join her in the dance. Augustus laughs and shakes his head modestly

AUGUSTUS
I can't dance!

Ambrogino starts clapping his hands encouragingly, with other guests joining in as the verse goes on

ASH
Whose constant wish
Is Proxy Kiss?
And for his friends
He always tends
To do exactly this?

Augustus finally shrugs and stands up shaking his huge booty next to Ash. The guests cheer

ASH
Who slyly winks
And ups the kinks?

Augustus grabs her in his arms and they finish the verse together

AUGUSTUS & ASH
Who'll mix a brew
In Vessel True
And pass it 'round for drinks?

ASH
Now is it Tzim?

EVERYONE
It can't be him!

She points at Augustus, who returns to his chair

ASH
I must confess
If you can't guess
Your fates will be quite grim!

Everyone toasts and sings merrily

EVERYONE
Who could it be?
Who could it be?
It's Uncle G!
It's Auggie G!
He doesn't like that "Auggie"
He likes good old Uncle G!

Ash sits on Augustus' lap. He claps his hands excitedly and chuckles

AUGUSTUS
Oh boy! This is the best night EVER!

AMBROGINO
Did I mention we have almost completed a version of the Red Sign ritual that allows you to remain immortal and powerful while withstanding sun and enjoying great sex?

Ash cuddles closer to Augustus and whispers something in his ear. He blushes

AMBROGINO
And I have a perfect copy of the Sargon Fragment ready for all your God-diablerizing needs...

He takes a piece of pergament from a large bear

AMBROGINO
Thank you, bear.

Augustus looks puzzled and turns to look at Ash. Her head has turned into that of a large dog. He jumps off his chair, shocked

AUGUSTUS
WHAT THE HELL?

Everyone points and laughs at Augustus. He is angry and confused, but then realizes something...

He is completely naked

AUGUSTUS
Oh shit...

Cut to Augustus suddenly waking up on the cold floor of the hidden city of Kaymakli

AUGUSTUS (VERY disappointed)
Oh, man. This place really fucks with your dreams...

He hears someone coming down the hallways

AUGUSTUS
Figures... Someone's coming to kill me and I'm too weak to put up a decent fight. *Sigh* Well, let's hope it's someone important, like the Capuchin or the Harbingers.

Needless to say... It isn't

THE CAITIFF POSSE
You know what to do guys: LET'S GET IT ON!!!

The corpulent necromancer fights bravely against the coterie of Caitiffs but there is no way to escape Deus ex Machina

AUGUSTUS
...Crap.

He dies, his spirit entering the Shadowlands where it's immediately attacked by a legion of ghosts

AUGUSTUS
Are you the ghosts my clan has abused and humiliated over the centuries?

GHOST #1
Well... not exactly. We are the ghosts of all completely normal and average Italians.

AUGUSTUS (Astonished)
But there's so MANY of you!

GHOST #2
We're here to make you pay for flaunting your unoriginal stereotypical mafia family! And for building a FRICKING SKYSCRAPER! IN VENICE!

AUGUSTUS
Buh-buh-but we fixed that in the Revised edition! All that Mafia-nonsense! Just like the Assamites and Ravnos and...

GHOST #3
Blah blah blah. It's time to pay, Incesto-boy!

AUGUSTUS
Incest? It's a relative concept.

Everyone falls silent

AUGUSTUS (Laughing nervously)
Get it? Relative...hee hee...It's funny, incest and...heh, relatives.

The ghosts start tearing him to shreds. Two figures watch from a distance

THE CAPUCHIN
So Baron, you wanna interfere?

BARON SAMEDI
Nah. I'm just here to review the scene.

THE CAPUCHIN
Exactly what I was thinking.

Finally the last pieces of Augustus' soul are competely annihilated. Baron Samedi takes off his hat

BARON SAMEDI
You were a real bastard, Auggie. I'm glad you're dead.

Suddenly the Capuchin lunges at him

BARON SAMEDI
Hey! I thought we were on the same side!

THE CAPUCHIN
That's the OLD Capuchin you're thinking of!

He sinks his fangs into the Baron's throat

BARON SAMEDI
Damn all these mysterious hooded characters! (Dies)

Next in Act 10:
Beckett-san!