Blinded

Part Twelve

Schuldich lays on the bed, facing Crawford's back and the window. He glances at the clock nearby to read the flashing digital numbers - 1:53. Crawford must be tired, he is getting into his ninth hour of sleep. He is going to wake anytime now, and Schuldich makes a mental note to move away when he does. There is no way in hell Crawford will tolerate the knowledge of being held like this.

It has occured to Schuldich that Crawford might not have slept this way for a long time, with another person - or any sort of presence - in the same bed. In the past years, Crawford has never brought anyone home, and neither had any of Schwarz, with the exception of Tot walking through their front door once, and that Sally woman Farfarello found. Schuldich has his own theory on why it was like that. For him, it was because he did not want anyone to step into his holy place. For Farfarello, his one and only woman that mattered was Sally, who he took off with. And whatever Nagi wanted to do did not matter, because Crawford made another plans for Tot after that stand-off between him and Nagi over the girl.

As for Crawford, he had always been that way since he was in high school, never finding anyone worthwhile enough to bring home. But there seems to be more to it. Crawford seems to like sleeping alone. Maybe this makes him rest better. Or maybe he just does not like having a warm body next to him. So Schwarz or no Schwarz, he would never let anyone into his bed.

//And being the loveless bastard you are,// Schuldich almost laughed, imagining the scene, //you must be the type to dress and leave straight after sex.//

//That is correct.// The amused and unexpected reply almost makes Schuldich jump. //But where did that comment come from?//

//Nowhere.// The German chuckles softly, and begins to move away. //How long have you been awake?//

//Half an hour perhaps. Don't move.//

Schuldich freezes mid-action, blinks in surprise, then smiles and settles back into where he was.

//Is hair rising at the back of your neck? Is it cold - you know, like those ghost movies?// Schuldich asks. //Can you actually feel anything? What does this feel like?//

It takes a moment for Crawford to decide to answer the questions, his eyes still closed and body relaxed on the bed, not moving at all. //No. No. Yes and...// He trails off, intending to leave the last question unanswered, then changes his mind. //It's just comfortable.//

Schuldich sighs, disappointed in the simple answers but still pleasantly surprised that Crawford has bothered to answer at all. He tightens the arm he has draped over the other man so that it wraps around the waist, and sees Crawford stiffening up, then relaxing after a while, settling into a more comfortable position. He lets out a long breath as if he has finally indulged in something he has forbid himself from for a long time.

They stay like that for another few minutes until Schuldich breaks the silence again.

//Brad?// He pauses, waiting for a response and receiving none. He continues anyway, knowing Crawford is listening. //Are you lonely?//

Is he lonely?

Crawford finds himself chuckling at the question. Who cares if he is lonely or not? How does it matter to anyone, or even to himself? //Why?// If that question touched any nerves, the American is not showing it.

//I was asking you last night if life was boring for you without Nags and I entertaining you. You fell asleep without a reply.//

//You aren't supposed to chase it up.// Crawford tries to turn his head around to cast the telepath a look. //Besides, boredom and loneliness are completely different things.//

//I know. But...// Schuldich just wants to know. Crawford likes solitude, that is an undeniable fact, but watching him sleep, and realising he has stayed quiet after waking just to be held like this, even requesting Schuldich not to move, the German just cannot help but think... //You know what, Brad? I think you need a woman.//

//You're being very random today, Schuldich.//

//I know, but I'm serious. Go find someone who'll hold you like this every day.// Schuldich's arm tightens for a brief moment. //Someone who'll do anything you ask and will let you screw her senseless whenever you feel like it - although you might have to marry her.// He laughs.

Crawford tries to sound serious but fails. //You mean a female version of you?//

That is true. Schuldich shakes his head in this realisation. //I'm serious, Brad. You don't even have to love her. Just make sure she loves you. And then maybe go forth and multiply.//

//Your point being...?//

//Look at Farfie and Nags. That's what people do to stay un-lonely. That's what people do to find someone to hold them everyday, to stop themselves from falling apart.//

//You think I need that.// Crawford says flatly. What is Schuldich trying to point out? That he is weak like everyone else and in need of comfort? Just because he realised it feels good to be in the bed like this?

//I don't know. But...// Schuldich presses his forehead into the back of Crawford's neck. //I'll stay with you like this for as long as you want, but it won't last, Brad.//

It will not last, because Crawford will be the one to let go first. Schuldich knows this.

//I'm just having a lie-in. Don't look too deep into it.//

//You're getting less and less like the Brad Crawford I used to know.// The German whispers, ignoring Crawford's comment. //Since coming back from Berlin... or maybe you've been changing since you left Schwarz. I don't know. But you're scaring me. In the past you'd never let me touch you like this.//

//... Like I said, it's just comfortable.// Crawford patiently explains. //Hot showers, sex, chocolates, jazz. Anything that I enjoy, I take my time in it. I've done this all my life. I'm not any different from how I used to be.//

Silence stretches over them again, each trying to decipher the other's words and actions.

//Schuldich?//

//Hm?//

//This is comfortable.//

//This really feels good?//

//I'm starting to see why Nagi liked sleeping in your bed so much.//

//Really?//

//Really.//

//I'm flattered.//

Nagi settled into his new home with amazing speed. Having spent his life always moving to new places, passing from one social authority to another, he had became very adaptable to new environments.

It was Schuldich who did not take it well. He went on his second hunger strike. If Crawford knew it was because of an additional paranormal in the house, he would have removed Nagi from Schuldich's bedroom, but it was not until another two years later, when he and Schuldich were stranded in the suburb after taking Farfarello back to the asylum, that the German finally let out the truth.

"Just leave me alone, Crawford, I need the hunger." Schuldich remained on the bed after eating even less than Nagi did at dinner. It had ran into the second week already, and the stress became evident on Schuldich's pale, tired face. Even his blonde hair seemed to have lost its luster.

"How are you going to stay sane if you have no energy?"

"This isn't like a physical illness, so don't put logic in it that way. I can't explain to you, okay?"

Crawford stood in the doorway, doing his best to achieve balance between keeping Schuldich sane and getting food down his throat. Nagi stood between the two of them, glancing back and forth, not understanding a word of English that passed between them. They did their best to use Japanese in the house, making sure Nagi would correct them whenever they had problems with the language, but at times like this, it was better that the boy knew as little as possible.

"Is there no other way?"

"Physical pain does it as well." Schuldich actually thought it was funny he laughed. "A good fuck, also. But how long does a fuck last? That's how long it can distract me. Hunger is much easier to control." He paused, then added, his tone turning solemn. "Just remember, Crawford, I'm not trying to kill myself."

Of course he knew that. "Nagi." He turned to the boy. "Watch Schuldich. If anything seems wrong, come and tell me."

Nagi nodded, switched the light off and went to bed. Crawford showered and went to bed himself, drifting in and out of sleep for the next half hour.

//It's getting a little crowded here.//

Crawford turned around in his bed, spending a moment deciding if he had just been dreaming or if Schuldich just spoke to him. //The cat's on your bed again?//

//If I'm not careful, I might kick it off the bed. But what can I do, it likes sleeping with Nagi, and Nagi likes my bed.// The German said, laughing a little inside his head. //It's good you found the cat in the church though, Nagi was worried sick about it.//

//He was?//

//He didn't show it, but yeah. Now we have a very happy kid living with us.//

//I take it you like children.//

//No... I actually hate kids. But there are always exceptions.// Schuldich sighed contentedly. Crawford could imagine him stroking Nagi's hair again. //Nagi's probably turning us into paedophiles.//

Crawford paused before his reply, said with a fair amount of disgust. //Us?//

//Don't tell me you don't love this kid. I'm not blind you know.//

Love?

After practically murdering his family, who he knew had loved him more than anything in the world, Crawford would consider himself immune to such a fool's emotion that inevitably brings downfall by weakening the soul. And there Schuldich was, saying that he obviously loved Nagi.

Looking back, it was a blatant denial that Schuldich must have saw through straight away, but at that time he believed his own reply, seeing what Schuldich had just said as the single worst insult he had ever received. //If that is what you saw, then you probably are blind.//

//Crawf -//

//Bastard. You didn't talk to me for the next couple of days.//

"You deserved it."

//I so didn't! I was right! Or is it that speech again? "Only fools believe in love"?//

"I care about Nagi, but won't go so far to say I love him, so you're still wrong."

//No way. You love him, Bradley-daddy. And you love him so much you went back to the church to find him that cat just because it might make him happier.//

"Are we going to keep debating on this, or shall I continue?"

//Che. Go on then, Bradley-daddy.//

Not having told SS about discovering Naoe Nagi, what happened to the child's family remained a mystery. That was, until the Japanese boy decided to tell Schuldich what really happened - or at least what he thought had happened when he was merely three-years old.

Schuldich made sure Crawford was aware of this. He also made sure Crawford knew he would not tell him anything from that conversation, getting his own back after the punishing silence of the last few days.

"Do what you want." Crawford waved a dismissive hand when Schuldich told him this, not allowing the German to win by giving in to curiosity. "I'm sending him to Rosenkreuz on Friday."

"Friday? It's already Monday today!" Schuldich stood, knocking over his stool. "Have you even told him what Rosenkreuz is? Why don't you even tell me when you plan these things?!" He demanded, "Just because I said a few wrong words, huh?"

Suddenly, Schuldich's hands reached for the table before him. Slowly he sank until he was crouching, hands still grasping on the edge of the wooden furniture. It was low blood sugar induced dizziness because the man had not eaten nearly enough. Crawford walked over to the German, offering a helping hand, which Schuldich accepted, ending the four-day stalemate between them.

"Look, Crawford, I'm sorry for what I said, I didn't know you already have a secret child - " Schuldich grinned when the American shot a look at him. "But next time just please let me know when you do things like that."

"It was my decision. I asked to go."

Both men turned when Nagi stepped into the kitchen, the grey tabby in his arms, making the already small kitchen crowded. The child had been living with them for three weeks now, and Crawford had spend some time telling Nagi the truth of who they were, and what he wanted Nagi to do. Learning the trick from Schuldich, he gave Nagi the choice about Rosenkreuz.

To Crawford's surprise, Nagi requested to go there as soon as possible.

"Crawford's vision said I should go on Friday." Nagi explained to Schldich, still pronouncing Crawford's name in a slightly Japanese way, "Kurofo-do". Deciding that "Krawford" sounded better than "Kurofo-do", Crawford wondered if everyone he worked with in this team would have problems with his name.

"But - "

"Please don't blame him, it's more my decision than his." Nagi's voice was quiet, but it always drew attention whenever the boy spoke. Perhaps it was because it was so quiet it was special and penetrating. It never demanded to be listened to.

Crawford could tell Schuldich had his questions. Maybe to check if Nagi knew what he was getting himself into. But glancing between the child and him, the German decided to place his trust in the pair, and asked something else instead. "So are we all going together, or just the two of you?"

Crawford closed his eyes to focus on the vision coming forth.

They were taking Schuldich to the laboratory. He reasoned with the medics, somehow knowing that staying in this place did more damage to the telepath than good, but they wanted this opportunity to do some tests and -

He was not himself. Voices. Millions of them, whispering, crying, shouting, calling... they all rung inside his head. Shut up shut up shut up... It made him want to tear his own skin off, and smash his brain into an unrecognisable pulp. White cloaked arms reached out, leading him towards the bed. He hated the bed more than he hated the voices. He saw himself - Crawford - having a verbal battle with the supervisors. He wanted to vanish so that no one would see him.

"You can't go." Crawford ended the vision, slightly terrified at the way he could feel Schuldich's despair at the voices and the medics. It was the first time his vision came from a different person's point of view. Outwardly he remained composed. "I'll make sure Nagi settles in, then come back with the next job, hopefully."

"I guess that's a good idea. My muscles really need some stretching. Been waiting forever for that politician job."

"Please feed Brad for me whilst I'm gone."

"Sure, Nagi."

Narrowing his eyes at the mention of the name, Crawford spoke. "What?"

"Brad. It's the cat's name."

It was one of those rare moments when Nagi grinned the same way Schuldich always did, but Crawford did not find what he said very amusing at all. Beside him, Schuldich was close to giggling, seeing the look on the American's face.

"Well then," Schuldich ushered Nagi out of the kitchen, away from Crawford's annoyed gaze, heading upstairs. "Let's get you some mind training so that you can block out the others when you get there."

//Crawford, how long are you guys going to stay there for?//

//If I can rush Nagi through the training in two months, I'll stay at the HQ during that time. Otherwise I'll come back first.//

//Two months?! No way, I was there for three years! Don't stay there too long, I'm going to be lone~ly!//

//Go play with the cat.//

//Oh okay, I'll play with Brad.//

Crawford eyed the German. The arm draping across his shoulders had been there ever since they entered the airport, and after the short lunch stop at the cafe, it was there again, casually touching Crawford like they were the best of friends.

Following Crawford's gaze, Schuldich looked down at his right arm, then up again at Crawford, and just smiled.

Whatever Crawford was going to say died in his throat.

Schuldich walked on, a hand holding Nagi's travel bag. Nagi walked in front of them, even though this was his first visit to an airport. "It's your first flight, hm? Maybe we should buy some pills, you might get travel sickness." The blonde suggested.

Nagi stopped in his tracks. "I'll be fine."

"He'll be fine." Crawford echoed, knowing that as a fact from his vision. "Let's go."

//Schuldich, you'll be okay?//

//You mean my head? Yeah I'll be fine.//

Having had a brief glimpse of how Schuldich might be feeling everyday through his vision, Crawford glared at the German for trying to make the issue seem less than what it really was. Schuldich had always been a strange one, exaggerating the trivial and playing down what Crawford considered to be important.

//I'll eat, I promise you. I won't kill myself.//

Schuldich handed Nagi's bag over to the personell, then watched as the two boarded the private jet. Secretly Crawford was glad that business had started to pick up again for SS, for he hated the idea of being stuck in business class - or worse still, economy - in a long haul flight. This splash of cash may even mean he may get the separate apartments he had asked for...

"Crawford," Nagi put his elbow on the armrest and propped his chin up, watching the skyline as the jet moved towards the runway. "I don't like you."

The American glanced at the thirteen-years old boy, and saw within that body the mind of a young man. Nagi was different when Schuldich was not around. He was more vicious, vengeful, and brutally honest with Crawford when Schuldich could not hear them. It was because, as the boy said, he did not like the American.

"But you can only get what you want through me." It was a statement, not a threat or blackmail. Crawford knew the Japanese boy wanted revenge for what was done to his Sister. He saw Rosenkreuz as the place where he could become stronger, where he could learn to fight.

"I know." Nagi's breath caught has the jet sped up, then took off. "I have another reason to go to Rosenkreuz."

"I'm all ears when you want to tell me."

They were gaining height fast. For a moment, Nagi acted his age and pressed his palms on the window, stunned by the night scene of Yokohama from above.

"Farewell to Japan and everything. When we arrive on the other side, you'll meet your colleagues, Nagi."

That prompted Nagi on why he was in the jet.

"I won't forgive you... you've betrayed me, Ken." Losing the childlike expression, he said something that Crawford was determined not to let happen.

"I'll kill you, Weiß!"

//I kind of knew Nagi was a bit two-faced in the beginning.// Schuldich's brows furrow. //Just not that much. Didn't know he told you he didn't like you, right in your face.//

"He wasn't two-faced. He was just confused."

//I guess you're right. Nags was always confused... he thought he hated you, but he didn't really. You know when we said we crashed your car... he was so happy when he knew he was important to you.// Schuldich snakes a hand up to play with Crawford's hair, wondering when the American will tell him off for doing it. It is fun, just waiting for him to go mad. //He changed after going to Rosenkreuz. I think he's the only person who changed in a good way after going there. So much more confidence, control, and the like. And he ended up liking you a lot.//

Crawford chuckles softly. "I didn't notice."

Schuldich twirls black hair with his fingers. //I noticed something though. It's not just Weiß you didn't let Nagi kill. You never let him kill anybody.//

"There was no need to." Crawford lifts a hand to swat Schuldich's fingers away from his hair. "I imagined he'd still be very young when it was all over. He'd spend many years looking over his shoulder worrying if anyone has found out who he is and how many he killed."

//And so, to preserve his innocence, you didn't let his hands touch blood?//

"If you must put it that way."

//How sweet of you. So my innocence isn't worth shit to you?//

"You already killed before we met in Hamburg." Crawford smirks. "Nice try."

Schuldich settles his arm around Crawford's middle again, smiling against the man's neck. //So... what happened in Rosenkreuz?//

"I went looking for Nik..."

[to be continued]