Child of Light and Darkness

~

Chapter Eight

"How are we doing Hank?"

"Well so far Professor everything seems normal. I'm still checking up on this Apocalypse. Any motion on Cerebro?"

"No nothing. Wherever he is, he's keeping up his guard."

"Professor, We know what this Apocalypse has done in the past and possibly what he does in the future, but how will we go about stopping him in the present? We've done all our research on him and we know all there is, but do we even know what he's planning on doing? Do we know how to stop him?"

"I'm afraid Hank, we know nothing vital to our situation. And I do have my fears that by the time we do have enough information on his present whereabouts it'll be to late to do anything to prevent him from forwarding his plans."

"I guess our only choice is to keep a tight rein on things. Try and see if maybe we can read in between the lines and figure out something that can help us stop him. But-"

"-But you worry about Jean, as do I. But we mustn't let her condition cloud our judgment. We still have a world to think about, and we'll just have to keep a tight watch on mutanic activity and try to keep a good watch on Jean. Of course you know Hank that if push comes to shove we'll have to focus on Apocalypse."

"I just worry about all of it Charles. If Apocalypse's name serves him well we have a lot on our plate, and I worry about Jean as well. Her current condition concerns me as it makes her vulnerable and thus makes it easier for her to be-swayed."

"I hate that we find ourselves in this predicament but-"

"-But if push comes to shove-Right Professor I understand."

"In the meantime Hank-"

"I'll keep a close eye on Apocalypse and I plan to run Jean's data scans every 15 minutes."

Xavier patted Hank on the back. "Good. Keep me informed."

"Of course Professor."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

Scott lightly rapped on Jean's open bedroom door.

"Hey." He voiced quietly.

"Hi."

Scott made himself welcome and shut Jean's door behind him.

"How you doing?"

Jean shook her head in disbelief. "I dunno-I've been better."

"I bet. I wish-"

"There's nothing you can do Scott. You know I don't have to be a telepath to know that there is nothing anyone can do, I know this is my own battle." Jean turned around and slipped unto her bed.

"I don't even know if this is something I should be fighting."

Scott walked over and sat besides Jean.

"Jean you know if you don't-"

"-If I don't this could be a battle I'll lose. Yeah I know." Jean sighed

"Hey Jean if-"

Jean interrupted Scott her mind lost elsewhere.

"--You know when I first learned of my mutation it was the worst thing that could happen to me. It was a curse, than I came here met the Professor, you… and soon I wouldn't have asked for anything less.

I was always told that everything happens for a reason, and sometimes you don't know what the reason is or why, sometimes you'll know soon sometimes it'll take years and as you look back you realize 'so that's why that happened' and I realize that if I hadn't become what I am, I wouldn't have met you and I would have missed out on some of the best years of my life."

Jean sighed before continuing.

"It didn't take me long to come to terms with my powers and who I was, and I no longer viewed it as a curse but something that I loved and liked and cherished. But the more I think about my newest predicament I have to wonder if the wool has been pulled over my eyes for all these years. And I can't help but call my mutation a curse. If something that I have come to love is something that in the future threatens my life than what is the point of it all? I don't understand why I have to fight to live."

Tears were streaming down Jean's face now, and it pained Scott to see her in this much dismay.

"I don't know Jean. I don't have all the answers. But for you to say you have done nothing on this world is wrong. You may not know this but you have had an incredible impact on a lot of people. You have made me who I am today, I came here blind and insecure but you were there to comfort and help me you believed in me and in turn I had strength in your beliefs. It is fair to say I am who I am because of you. And so are a lot of other people. You bring light to those who have nothing but darkness."

Jean smiled weakly. "Yeah?"

Scott smiled.

"Yeah really. And I don't believe that we fight just to fight another day. We don't just live to live we are here for a reason and one day we will see the accomplishment of our work. What we do today effects the lives of our children and their children and all the mutants of the world. We do what we do today because we believe in the hope that one day mutants can live peacefully with humans we do it for the future of our families and we will get past this, because for that world to prosper we will need you and that's why you'll endure. Everyone everyday fights to live Jean it's just part of life."

"You're such a good friend Scott. I don't know what I'd do without you."

Scott nodded. "Yeah."

His gaze fell to the floor so Jean wouldn't see the disappointed look on his face. He really didn't want to be her friend…but she had made it clear were she stood, and he'd have to be okay with that. Especially now.

He wrapped his arms around Jean, and the two shared a comforting embrace before heading their separate ways.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"I'm glad Jean's doing well. As of present I have yet to see any change from Jean that is out of the norm."

"That's wonderful news Hank. I'm glad to hear it. Of course that means that Jean is still suppressing the most of her mutation. So far it doesn't seem to have gotten to her."

"Have you tried to do any mind exercises with her? Any exercises at all?"

"I haven't no. Jean has been in a fragile state lately and although it's been several days I don't want to upset her any more than she is. Perhaps I fear that things could become out of hand and-"

"-And we'll unleash a monster?"

"Well that wasn't exactly what I was thinking Hank, but we know as well as many others here that Jean has a fiery temper-"

"-Ah yes a temper as hot and fiery as her hair."

"-Again not exactly what I was thinking but yes. When Jean first joined she held her temper on her sleeve and after much practice and discipline Jean had learned to control her emotions. Not just because I taught her to, but because she had come to realize that her temper with the powers that she has is a dangerous thing and Jean as much as anyone else wanted nothing more than to know that the safety of the students here was ensured. But Jean is becoming vulnerable and I fear that she could slip and that it may become easy to enrage her. And-"

"-And with her newfound powers, enraging her could become a life and death predicament."

"Exactly."

"I share your concern. Jean is a very well mannered young woman she has many great qualities but with as many good qualities as she has she also has just as many flaws and faults. And I happen to know that Jean is getting restless and we can't keep her confined to the interior of the institute Professor."

"Of course. But something has been bothering me the past few days. Remember when Jean was under the hypnotic control of Mesmero?"

"Yes I do."

"Well when I entered Mesmero's mind I felt a dark presence looming there. And not his dark presence but of something else... I felt the exact same darkness when I entered Jean's mind perhaps it was a combination of that darkness and Jean's powers that prevented me from telepathically contacting her. But I happened to know that the presence within her is becoming stronger."

"Should it be something we should worry about?"

"I'm not sure. I know that all of us hold the potential of darkness-of evil, Yin and Yang if you will, it could just be the 'yang' side of Jean that has always been there but I just happened to come across it because Jean was expressing the 'yang' side of herself."

"So what you're saying is it could be just the angry, dark side of Jean that we all possess or it could be-"

"-It could be a dark presence that has occupied itself in Jean's mind."

Xavier nodded as the two men shared a moment of silence until Hank spoke up.

"And that's not a good thing."

"No it is not a good thing at all."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"I don't understand why you're doing this. Why are you helping me?"

"I can sense that you are in a deep state of emotional disarray. I only want to help you child."

"But why? Who are you?"

"Think of me as a friend."

"How do you know so much about what I'm going through?"

"Because I have foreseen it. I know what you are to become."

"I don't understand. I just-I feel so many things…and I keep seeing images…I feel like I'm losing control."

"That's why I am here…to help you."

"To help me gain back control?"

"On the contrary, I will help you side with it."

"I don't understand."

"In due time my child."

The voice vanished and Jean was once again left alone in her head. She had been able to communicate more frequently with the voice. She wanted to know who it was but it was quite possible it was just part of her…but than again the voice definitely belonged to a man.

For the last few days Jean had been confined to the institute. The Professor was worried about what could happen if she were to go outdoors. The institute was built with a special metal sheet lining the institute's outer and inner walls. It helped the telepaths inside the mansion to not hear thoughts that were coming from outside the walls. But lately Jean had felt that she was growing restless inside. She could understand the Professor's concern but lately she felt that she was losing more a more emotional control.

She was suppressing her powers but the voice was always there along with the images that Jean assumed it supplied. More and more she felt drawn to it…she tried to fight it but she just couldn't. She wanted to know who the voice belonged to. She wanted to know who was helping her.

Jean was afraid of hurting anyone so she had refrained from using any of her powers in case of a slip up. The easiest way to put her emotions in check was to relax. But she was so emotionally unstable. She wanted help but knew no one could help her. No one knew anything about the manifestation of her mutation and no one could know what she was feeling. She knew Professor Xavier was trying to help her but he still knew nothing more than before. But minute by minute, day by day, Jean could feel herself slowly slipping away…slowly losing grip of reality.

"Jean?"

Jean snapped her head up.

"Like hey. You okay?" Kitty asked sitting across the kitchen table from her.

Jean blinked and groaned. "I think so. I don't know."

She rubbed her forehead as the voice emerged again. Jean couldn't quite tell what it was saying. Kitty was talking and Jean was trying to tune out the voice hoping it would vanish if she ignored it.

Jean blinked rapidly trying to force the images out of her head.

"Hey like you need an aspirin?"

"Huh?" Jean asked squinting.

"Like I said do you need-"

Jean was having trouble concentrating on Kitty as the images in her head became more vibrant and Kitty seemed to phase out of her mind.

"Listen to me, my dear I can help you."

Jean heard the voice loud and clear. Jean found herself immersed deeply into her mind hearing the voice and seeing the images that flashed by second by second and she had a hard time distinguishing one from the other.

Jean's surrounding's finally faded out completely as she focused all her energy on her mind.

"Are you listening?"

Jean was hesitant to reply at first but she could think of nothing else to do.

"Why are you talking to me? Who are you?"

"I just want to help."

"I know that. But what are you showing me? Why won't you go?"

"I can't leave I haven't helped you."

"But what are you doing to me?"

"I'm only helping."

"No you're not! You're confusing me!"

"I'm sorry child, I don't mean to."

"Just leave! Leave my mind!"

"If you want me gone so badly make me leave, using your telepathy you can banish me from your mind."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because I can't do that! I can't use my telepathy like that! It's to risky."

"But it's not. Not really. You can do it."

"Not without hurting someone!"

"That's only what Xavier wants you to believe!"

"Stop it! Leave me alone!"

"I will leave only if you make me."

The voice kept it's calm as Jean's voice tensed and rose.

"I said Get Out!"

"I can help you!"

"No you're not! Why are you doing this to me?"

"I'm doing this for you!"

"Who are you!? Tell me!"

"You will find out in time."

"Stop with these mind games! You're hurting me!"

"I don't mean to."

"I'm losing it! I don't even know if this whole conversation is real! I don't know what's real anymore!"

"I can help you with that. I can help you to differentiate."

"I just want you out!"

"Listen to me. I know you will."

"No. I can't I won't."

"Jean, you have the power…it's inside you. You can stop all of your pain and confusion. You can do it all."

"I can't."

"Maybe not yet. But the power lies within you, all you have to do is think. You will summon up your power at will."

"What? What are you telling me!"

"You're angry good. I bet you want to take your anger out on someone don't you child?"

"I want to take it out on you!"

"Focus my dear, control all your anger and center it, you want to hurt me? Than here's your chance."

"Do you think I'm stupid? You're just a voice I can't hurt you."

"But you can try. After all this is just a mental conversation. You really wouldn't be hurting anyone. But think of how good it will feel to focus all your anger and lash out? Think of how relieved you will feel."

"No, you're trying to trick me."

"But you know I'm right, you can't hurt anyone."

Jean held her head in her hands as talked mentally.

"Go ahead, imagine it."

The voice said stern and commanding. As if it were trying to provoke her. But Jean was so angry she didn't care. She was confused and puzzled, her head hurt and she wanted peace.

"Just imagine. Think of what you will do to me. Picture yourself focusing your anger on the target of your feelings. See yourself lashing out. Imagine it."

The voice was below a whisper but Jean couldn't help but be drawn to it, she felt herself being pulled in as if mesmerized. Her rage rose and she couldn't help but obey.

Suddenly for an instant the images stopped swirling around her and she saw herself, her future self, maybe her present self, she couldn't tell, but whatever self it was she was angry and fire illuminated around her, and she controlled it, she played with it as she hurled it at her friends, at her enemies.

"What you see now is only the beginning of what you're capable of doing. You can cause such destruction, such devastation, such tragedy. Is that what you want? Is there some deep dark part of your soul that yearns for the power that only evil can possess?"

Jean listened to his voice intently as she focused her anger on his voice. She felt heat running throughout her veins and power that seemed to erupt within her. A deep power that only the dark side of her possessed. And for a split second it felt good.

"That's it my dear, focus. Now channel your anger, channel it at me, just think of how dishonest Xavier has been, think of all that he has kept from you, all he has ever told you is lies,-

"No that's not true!" Jean protested.

"But it is. It's all true. And you believe it."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Jean like are you alright?" Kitty asked peering over the table at Jean's bowed head.

"Hey Kitty. Vhat's Jean doing?" Kurt asked as he 'bamfed' into the kitchen and took a moment to look over the kitchen.

"Like I dunno. It looks like she's engaged in some sort of telepathic conversation."

"Vhat is that she's muttering?"

"Like I dunno. I've been trying to get her attention. But she seems very involved with whatever she's doing."

"Vhat is she doing?"

"I dunno but whatever it is, I like, don't think that it's just a conversation. I mean like look at her mannerisms."

"Ja she looks disturbed."

"It seems more like she's pleading."

"Vith vhat?"

Kitty glanced at Kurt and shrugged.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Please get out of my head! I don't want you in it!"

"Focus your anger-

"Stop telling me that! I don't want to hurt anyone!"

"But you can't so just do it!"

"Stop provoking me!"

"I'm only urging you along."

"Stop It!"

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"It looks pretty intense. Maybe ve should do somezing to help her."

"Well I guess I could try to shake her out of it. She doesn't seem to be hearing anything."

"Vell you know how it is for telepaths if she's having a mental conversation than she's not here she's in ze astral plane or somezing."

"Like yeah, maybe I should rouse her out of it. And than like, we should tell the professor."

"Ja good idea."

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Just focus."

"Stop telling me that!"

"You're angry. Use your anger to focus your powers. Let them emerge from your anger."

"Get out!"

"Focus!"

==

Kitty shook Jean lightly on her arm. "Like Jean. You okay? Jean?"

==

"Do it now! Unleash your fury!"

"Leave me alone!" Jean said as her anger rose within her and she lunged her anger at the darkness of her mind.

==

"Leave me alone!" Jean shrieked clearly someplace else. Her body erupted in fire like energy as she lunged her power at Kitty.

"Whoa!" Kitty screamed as she flew back into Kurt.

Scott passed the kitchen as he heard Jean yell than Kitty scream. He ran to the doorway just in time to see a clearly confused Jean, hair dangling loosely around her disarrayed face.

"Jean? What did you do?" Scott asked clearly as confused as everyone else.

The rim of fire around Jean vanished as she realized she wasn't in her mind but in reality. "W-What?" Jean asked herself quietly confused.

Jean glanced up at him briefly than Kurt and Kitty before looking at her palms and noticing the fire surrounding them before it vanished as she calmed down. Frightened Jean pulled back her hands.

Jean stared at Kitty who seemed fine, Kurt was helping her up.

"I'm sorry… oh god… I'm so sorry…" Jean muttered glancing at Kitty but not really noticing her.

"I'm sorry…I don't-I can't…what's happening to me?" Jean exclaimed running out of the room.

Kitty watched her run away in pure shock. She turned to Kurt who returned her shocked expression.

"Like…wow." Kitty said quietly turning her gaze back to the doorway.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

"Jean…what was that back there?" Scott yelled running after her.

Jean kept walking and replied without looking back.

"I don't know! I didn't mean-I'm so confused!"

"Still what got into you? You about frightened Kitty to death! You could have hurt her If I hadn't got there when I did! What the hell were you thinking?!"

Jean stopped walking and flopped her arms at her side. "I don't know…and that's the truth. I don't know what I was thinking."

"You could have hurt someone Jean!"

"Don't you think I know that!" Jean snapped angrily. She folded her arms around her chest.

"I don't know what got into me! I just-I saw something…I heard a voice…and it just happened I can't explain it! I just thought and it happened!"

"If you can't explain your action fine! But surely you can explain your behavior lately. Why did you snap at Kitty?"

"Scott I can't keep this up!" Jean turned to look at him as she continued.

"I feel like I'm losing it. Like I'm losing all of it. I'm trying to hold on-but with all that I'm feeling I don't know how I'm doing it. How I've made it this far. Everything's just slipping away. My mind's all jumbled, my emotions are off the scale…I feel like I'm losing emotional control…I don't know how I'm doing it. Minute by minute, day by day, I'm trying to hold on but I'm losing grip…I don't know what's real in my mind anymore. I don't know what's mine anymore…I don't know what thoughts are mine and what aren't. But I'm losing it-I know you can see that I'm losing it. I'm losing control of myself…of my thoughts…of my actions. I mean I could've seriously hurt Kitty back there! But I had no idea what I was doing! All I know is it wasn't me!"

Jean ran a hand to her forehead.

"Oh my god…I can't stay here any longer! I can't stay confined to the mansion…not with what I'm capable of doing! You saw me back there…I'm to dangerous to be around in this state of mind…it could easily have been anyone else!"

Jean paused and than continued her voice shaky and skittish.

"I'm going crazy here and no one can help me! But the longer I stay here the more endangered everyone becomes and I can't take that risk!"

Jean turned and ran out the door.

"Jean where are you going?"

Jean ran down the steps and Scott ran down after her.

"Anywhere! I don't care! But I can't stay here!"

"Jean! Wait you can't go!"

Jean turned to look at him, slowing walking backwards as he looked at her from the steps.

"You don't understand I have to! You know what I'm capable of! And right now I can barely function normally without something going wrong! And-and I can't control myself, my thoughts, let alone my powers!"

"But we can help you Jean! You can learn to control them!"

"I know, I don't doubt that! But right now no one knows what to do! And I-I need help…I need to sort things through! I need to sort out all that I'm feeling…I need to regain control and I can't do that here!"

"Okay, Okay, I understand I do. I can't say I know what you're feeling…what you're going through. To say that would be unfair. But Jean where will you go?"

Jean turned from him. "I-Everything in my life right now is so…puzzling. It's there and than it's not. Nothing is there for good. It just all slips away."

"What about me? Am I real in your mind?"

Jean hesitated before replying. Scott held his breath.

Jean nodded slowly back still turned to him. "Yeah, In my mind you're very real."

Jean paused. "You are the only constant thing in my mind. You never slip away." She finished in a soft voice.

"Don't go Jean." Scott pleaded in a firm but quiet whisper. "Please don't go."

Jean turned her gaze to look at him, back still turned. "I have to. I have to find peace."

"But-"

"Scott, you know I can't do that here."

"I won't let you go."

A tear slipped down Jean's cheek. "Yes you can. You will."

Scott sighed. Jean could sense he was sad but also worried.

"Don't worry Scott. You know how to find me."

"This isn't right. You shouldn't be leaving now, not at this time."

"I'll be back I promise."

Scott watched from the middle step as Jean drove off in her SUV.

Scott shook his head as he walked back inside.

~x~x~x~x~x~x~

I know I know. U want action. Don't worry it's coming. Next chap is when everything starts to unravel. Concerning Jean anyway.

R&R It'll make my day.