Hello and happy Christmas!
This is another "little break" chapter, just like part 5. I haven't abandoned this fic - just been too busy to write more. I hope to get to part 20 or so before the end of this holiday, after which I probably won't have time to write again for a while.
Thank you for all the comments so far! I think I won't be replying to each one individually (that'll make this pre-story note too long), but to Schuldich Sunde in particular, your observation on part 16 is right ^^ There are lots of such ideas throughout this fic, where a character thinks one thing but feel another, or convinces himself of something, not being true to himself...
I should keep this note short, so, on with the story. The next part will be up in the next few days.
=YS=
Blinded
Part Seventeen
//He's exhausted.//
//I can tell. He was very stressed.// Crawford bites his lip, gently easing Nagi into the bed. After shedding tears for several minutes, exhaustion took over the young man and he had fallen asleep in Crawford's arms.
Schuldich leans forward on the bed now, to study Nagi's face. There is so much love in Nagi it makes Schuldich's heart ache. He has, inside him, what the rest of Schwarz never had. Schuldich had always wondered what it would be like to love so intensely like Nagi, to feel those flames licking inside, burning, and wanting more to burn. On the surface, it seemed that Nagi was the odd one out that did not fit into Schwarz, but he was the one who gave them all - including Crawford - hope.
But hope for what?
Schuldich does not know.
Perhaps that was why things got so tough for them after they sent Nagi away to keep him safe from the SS. They felt no hope anymore.
That had been a heartbreaking thing to do, sending Nagi away. The people who were receiving him, as well as Schuldich himself, had been completely shocked when Nagi wound his arms around the telepath and held him tight for several moments. The boy looked at Crawford after that, the two of them studying each other's faces, both searching for words unspoken. Nagi had finally bowed at Crawford respectfully, the Japanese way. There was no doubt that he had wanted to hold Crawford too. But although Schuldich had known Crawford for so many years and had learned to read him without using telepathy, he simply could not guess what went through the leader's mind that moment.
//Schu, take care of him.//
That took Schuldich by surprise. //... Don't you worry about us. You look after yourself now. Be careful.//
//He needs you. Look after him. Promise me.//
//... Okay, I promise.//
Satisfied, Nagi walked away without looking back.
Who needed who? Who still needs who?
Who knows?
"How about Farfarello?"
"We got a room two floors down. He's sleeping." Nagi explains. He has woken up after falling asleep for just a short while, because, he says, he is hungry. "He didn't want to fly here so soon, but I insisted."
//An insistant Nagi is a scary Nagi.// Schuldich says, following two men out of the hotel. Crawford smiles at the remark.
"... Heh?"
"Schuldich just said you're 'scary' when you insist on something."
"Ah." Nagi smiles a little. "Farfarello's been reading lots of books. He reads and drinks and read and drinks, day and night. Then he can sleep for a long time."
Now that is something to stretch his imagination on, Crawford thinks.
"He's still... confused when it comes to religion." Nagi speaks in a softer voice. "Still doing what he likes. But he's found other things to put his mind on, too."
"And Sally?"
"I'm not sure. He's mentioned her a couple of times, Sally said this, Sally did that, but I haven't seen her. You know he doesn't talk very much."
In truth, both Nagi and Farfarello are the quieter types. Farfarello is capable of a good discussion if the topic raises enough interest, but putting the two together generally make a quiet pair.
Crawford leads Nagi into a traditional British pub. There is a small crowd, mostly men wearing football shirts of their favourite teams, watching a live match. They work their way to the other side of the small pub and sit down.
"And you?"
"... Me?"
They order their food and drinks.
//He can breaks hearts.// Schuldich, sitting beside Crawford, voices his opinion, twirling long red hair with a finger.
Nagi is uncomforable when the topic switches to him. What is there to tell? Crawford has never asked him something like this before...
"Schuldich says you can break hearts."
Break hearts. Yes, that is a very Schuldich thing to say. Nagi smiles at his coke. "I haven't seen Tot since... you know." He says, using Japanese now. "I saw some other girls, from my workplace, but it never lasted. They know who I am, but it's still hard when you're different."
Taking a sip of his drink, Nagi looks up again. "This feels strange. I've never talked to you about these things before."
Crawford just shrugs. "A couple of days ago I was told to 'get married, go forth and multiply'. What's stranger?"
"What?" Nagi laughs. It is rare for him to laugh like this. "You, husband and father?"
Crawford just rubs his forehead and sighs with the little bit of melodrama his is capable of.
The meal passes nicely. Schuldich rests his head on crossed arms on the table and listens to the other two talk without interrupting. Crawford has asked once about Nagi's "workplace", and Nagi has replied with "it's fine", and that is it. The rest of the conversation is revolved around the travelling Farfarello and Nagi had done in Germany last week.
It is late when they return to the hotel. Nagi leaves the elevator two floors before Crawford.
"Would you like to have lunch together tomorrow?" He asks tentatively, holding the doors open. "I'll try to get Farfarello to join too."
Crawford just nods. For reasons unknown to himself, he is at a loss for words.
"We'll call you tomorrow then." Nagi steps out of the elevator with graceful movements and heads for his room. Then he pauses mid-step, hesitates for a brief moment, and turns back again to face his former leader.
"Crawford."
Crawford quickly holds the button down to keep the doors open.
"I'm really happy to see you."
Crawford nods again, unable to reply.
"You too, Schu. And thank you for keeping the promise."
With that, Nagi heads for his room. It is not until the young man almost disappears out of Crawford's sight that he realises he is still holding the doors open, watching Nagi leave. Something twists inside him.
"... Nagi!"
Surprised, Nagi's eyes widen and he turns back. "Yes?"
Crawford gestures for him come back to the elevator again. Nagi immediately obeys, out of habit and respect he had developed during his time as a Schwarz member. Arms crossed, Schuldich leans back on the cold walls of the elevator with a smile on his lips as he watches Crawford steps forward to embrace Nagi for the second time tonight.
"Cr... Crawford."
What other people think of him never matters. Those he holds close to his heart are the only people who matter to Crawford. He is not a man who asks for forgiveness. He cares too little, sees too much to ask for it. But Nagi... Nagi is different. Crawford had made every decision for Schwarz with Nagi's future in mind, but like Schuldich, Nagi deserved so much better. He deserved things Crawford felt he could not give him.
"Thank you. For coming here. For not hating me."
Finally able to react, Nagi puts his arms around the other man.
"This is from me, not Schuldich."
Nagi nods once, face buried in Crawford's black coat. "Quite long overdue."
Crawford chuckles. Yes, they should have done this five years ago when Nagi was sent away to safety.
"Schuldich and I are going to talk some more tonight. You're more than welcomed to join us."
"... I'd love that." Nagi is the first to pull away, smiling a smile that brightens his eyes. "I'll go check on Farfarello, and maybe leave him a note first."
The elevator, which Nagi has held open with his power, begins to complain with a noisy electrical buzz.
"Tell Farfarello to come too, if he wants."
"I'll ask him. See you in a while then."
The doors close as soon as Nagi backs out. Crawford glances back at Schuldich, who grins at him wickedly, his blue eyes glinting under orange-red bangs.
//You really shocked him, Bradley-daddy.//
//... I think I shocked myself more.//
Schuldich drops into Crawford's bed whilst the other man showers.
Nagi has really done it to him. Just like a smooth-talking devil, only everything he said is true, from his heart. Even though Nagi's mind is almost as hard to read as Crawford's now, Schuldich still knows him and can tell a truth from a lie. Just several hours earlier, when he cried in Crawford's arms, Schuldich caught every thought that went through the younger one's disturbed mind, and he could feel that heartache. Nagi cried not for himself, but for him, and for Crawford. For the world that has become less than what it was without Schuldich.
That hurts. Schuldich, assassin and manipulator extraordinaire, once a wanted man with a 20million dollar bounty on his head, is hurting because Nagi cried.
If that is what it means to mean something to someone, Schuldich would much rather prefer himself to mean nothing to Nagi.
Crawford is another matter. Whilst Schuldich could probably survive living with Nagi but being a no-one to him, he cannot say the same for Crawford. But is this a good outcome then, knowing that Crawford grieves for him? He does not want that to happen, yet...
What does he want?
Once upon a time, Schuldich had wanted revenge. He turned his back to the world when the world turned its back to him. He wanted to destroy all that is good, all that leads to joy, everything that he had been denied of simply because he was different. He still wants it, in a way, but now he pities people. He can tell now they had shunned him out of fear because they knew he was superior, he had what they could only dream of. Rosenkreuz and SS gave him that pride, he admits to that. It is the only other good thing they gave him, besides the control over his telepathy.
Then came a period, Schwarz, when Schuldich never stopped to think about these things anymore. Or perhaps he thought of it always. He wanted everything. Everything physical, emotional. Everything sweet or bitter. He wanted it all.
And now? All Schuldich wants is to stay in this expensive hotel room.
Flipping over on the bed, Schuldich almost laughs at himself. His goals are getting so small. But he can argue that he is just becoming more focused now. Too focused, to a point that witnessing Crawford's grief hurts him, yet gives him a high in a guilty way. It is not supposed to be like this. Schuldich never builds his joy on his teammates' pain - well maybe he did, once or twice, but definitely not like this. This is not what he wants at all.
Back to square one. What does he want now?
Schuldich smiles to himself. Perhaps he will never find out.
Nagi unlocks the door and lets himself in. It has been an hour since parting with Crawford at the elevator, and he has showered and changed into something more comfortable. Crawford gestures for him to sit down anywhere, so the young man pulls an armchair to sit near Crawford's bed. He does it with telekinesis. Before Crawford asks, he explains.
"It depends on my mood. Sometimes I get a bit lazy like Schu." Nagi says with a hint of a smile. "Most of the time I still use my hands."
Crawford nods with understanding. It had been difficult for Nagi just to accept that he had telekinesis. For him to use it in daily life was an even greater step that Crawford encouraged, but had not pushed, Nagi to try in the past. When that failed, Schuldich explained to him that Nagi felt inhuman to use telekinesis. He felt alienated - by himself.
"But pass me the chocolates over there would you."
Within moments, the box of chocolate flies into Crawford's hands without anybody needing to move. Nagi does a Schuldich-grin and shrugs.
//That's what I call "abuse of power".//
//You use telepathy for recreational purposes too, don't you?//
//It's hard to explain. Mindreading is like a drug I'm addicted to.// Schuldich picks a spot on the bed, nearer to Nagi than Crawford, to sit on. Nagi seems to have felt something and shifts a little, eyes wandering over the bed.
It is the age-old arguement Crawford no longer wants to have, so he avoids pointing out the fact that this "drug" is indeed a poison to the telepath's mind. He turns his attention back to Nagi instead.
"So Farfarello isn't coming."
Nagi shakes his head. "He's too tired. He's been reading for many hours. I could bearly wake him enough to ask him if he wants to join us. He says perhaps tomorrow he'll come."
"I see." Another bit of information Crawford thinks he has to chew on. "What name does he go by now?"
"Jei. He wanted to keep using 'Farfarello', but it's too... showy."
"And you're still using your own name."
"... My employer suggested I might want to change it. Not everyone there has seen me before, but Schwarz's name was well-known, and we have killed quite a few of their agents before. But I want to keep my own name." Nagi's voice dies away to a whisper, obvisouly not wanting to discuss this further. He quickly finds something else to say.
"Speaking of my employer, I called him and asked if he had retained any data from the old SS labs that talks about ghosts and similar phenomena. I didn't tell him why, of course. He said he'll have a look."
"That's great. Thank you, Nagi." Crawford says, arching an eyebrow at Nagi, who stares at him with wide blue eyes as if he has done something strange. "What is it?"
"You've hardly ever said that to me before."
Schuldich finds his chance to slip in a word. //You know, Nagi, I agree.// He puts an arm on Nagi's shoulder and pulls a face at Crawford. //If I haven't been here with him for the last couple of days, I'd have thought this Brad is one of those clones.//
Feeling a shift in the powers in the room, Nagi stares at where he thinks Schuldich is. "I think Schu agrees."
"Putting the two of you together, alive or dead, is always a bad idea for me." Crawford sighs. "Let's get on with it. We only have until Monday."
"What have you been talking about?"
"Schwarz."
[to be continued]