Blinded

Part Ninteen

Trapped.

His mind is telling him to look away, to sit up and perhaps throw Schuldich out of the room right now. But Crawford fights that urge. He will not run away from anything again - he has learned over the years. He is trapped between Schuldich's arms, under the man, on a bed. He will not run away, but he cannot steady himself. He looks up at Schuldich's face, just inches above his own, trying to calm his breathing but failing. Unconcisouly he grips the bed sheets, white knuckles showing, so that he will not try to push Schuldich away, something he had done too much of in the past, in one way or another.

Above him, Schuldich is just smiling gently, waiting for an answer.

There is a lump in his throat. Crawford swallows hard before managing a whisper.

"I said the question has to be within reason."

What does a man do when he has a crush? He fantasises. What does he do if he lives in the same house as his crush? He fantasises more. It is impossible not to. So what kind of a question is that?

The smile is fading from Schuldich's lips. Melancholy replaces playful curiosity as he stares down into the depths of Crawford's golden brown eyes, trying to find everything that could have been but did not, and shall never be.

//You knew I'd let you.// Schuldich says slowly, quietly. //We could have been lovers. What stopped you?//

Crawford blinks once, and breathes out. He does all of this slowly, and then he speaks.

"It's just a simple crush. And it was going to be over soon. And you're a man. And there's a difference between 'letting' and 'wanting'. And it could jeopardise - "

//Who says I didn't want it?// Schuldich whispers another question, cutting Crawford off short. He leans down further, their noses almost touching now, even though Crawford is backing away by pressing his head harder into the pillow. //That's just a simple question, don't get me wrong.//

"You never know what you want, remember? Now back off."

Crawford is getting on the defensive now, even he knows it himself. He hates being caught off guard, he hates being defenseless, he hates being questioned. His fists are beginning to ache from gripping too hard. He wants to throw them at Schuldich for cornering him this way, but there are a thousand reasons preventing him from doing it.

Schuldich's hand reaches back to untangle Crawford's from the sheets. The same hand then combs Crawford's hair like he often did with Nagi's. Tension drains away from Crawford with Schuldich's fluid motions, and looking up into those blue-green eyes, he no longer wants to shrink back, run, or hit anyone. But no one has moved. Is Schuldich using empathy on him? Not impossible, but more likely it is his simple touch that is performing the magic.

//If I ever had a lover, I would've liked it to be you. Someone who knows what a fucked up bastard I am,// Schuldich snickers a little, //and accepts that. Someone who wouldn't run a mile when I tell them "hey, I just killed someone today". Someone who is the opposite of,// He pauses, //and the same as me.//

"How about Nagi?" Crawford sees his chance to be the one asking questions now. After so much talk of him and Nagi being similar...

//Nagi... Do you know why he slept with me for so long, even before his crush?// Schuldich smiles sadly. //He knew I needed something; he gave me what he could. He was so sweet to me sometimes I thought I was in love with him.//

"... And?"

//And what? He was a kid, Brad.// The way Schuldich says his name sends a shiver through Crawford. //But if he ever tried to initiate anything with me... I think I'd happily let him. I don't know. Perhaps I wanted or needed something... I don't know.//

"... Must we talk like this?"

Schuldich ignores that question.

//Do you remember the night we moved into Takatori's guest house? You and Farfie had some philosophical talk. I think he eventually freaked you out.

//Anyway, Nags and I were out on the balcony, and he asked me if I was in love with you.

//I knew why he asked me that. And there were times when I thought, shit, I'm obsessed with Brad Crawford, I'm practically worshipping him, and I'll probably be doing this until I die because I'm definitely going to die before him. And then I'd say to myself, what the fuck is wrong with that? Sounds great to me.

//I told Nagi no, I wasn't in love with you. But honestly I wasn't that sure.//

The two men stare at each other.

//Surprised? Am I scaring you?//

No. Yes. No. Yes, but not really. All that Schuldich has justed confessed, and his actions right now, are typical of him. It is just who he is. That however does not mean Crawford does not feel like an animal caught in a trap, at the mercy of his predator, and something to be feasted upon.

Crawford shakes his head. "Not too much. Just not comfortable to talk in this position."

Schuldich seems to have found something amusing enough in this situation to grin about. But his grinning sometimes does not mean anything. He can be feeling anything or nothing and still be smiling, grinning. Some may find him amusing; some frightening; and some, rather tragic.

"That was a hint for you to move."

//I know. I'm ignoring it.// If it is possible, Schuldich seems to be pressing even closer, lowering his body as well, almost laying on top of Crawford now. //You can ask me things, you know.//

Crawford sees it now. The redhead is daring him to ask for the one answer they both want to know but are avoiding, waiting for the other side to ask first, dancing around it until one of them cannot bear not knowing it any longer.

No, not so soon. Crawford is not going to give in just yet. But there is something else he can, and want to ask, just to be fair and to satisfy his own curiosity.

"Did you ever fantasise about me then?"

//Didn't everyone?// Schuldich waits a while before replying. //That cleaning lady who came to our house weekly, she did; and there was Takatori's eldest son who was just coming out of the closet; a lot of the women in SS did; I think Neumann did; even Nagi did, once or twice when he hit puberty.//

Crawford begins to think he has asked the wrong question.

The mindreader watches Crawford's face redden in shock. What a rare sight. //Me too. Of course I did. All the damn time.// He draws out the last few words, his nasal voice almost purring, caressing Crawford's mind. He studies Crawford's face. If there is no reaction, if the man does not move, he shall kiss him, Schuldich thinks. Should he do that? Will he do that? Yes he will. Yes. He gives himself three more seconds. If Crawford still does not move in the next three seconds -

Crawford can stay put no longer. He sits up quickly, body and limbs going through Schuldich as if he is made of nothing but air. He looks for a way to hide his face that is rapidly heating up, but finds none.

//Too much to handle, oh mighty Brad Crawford?// He has gone way too far. Schuldich knows it. But he could not help it - doing what he should not is one of his habits Crawford always told him off about but never managed to correct. And in the past he only needed to smile to save himself from Crawford's anger anyway.

"Too much."

//I suppose you don't want the details then? Of my fantasies.//

Crawford gapes at Schuldich, shocked. His mouth hangs open for a few seconds before he can reply, annoyed. As a precognitive, he hates being surprised. But he has brought this unto himself. "... No, thank you."

They stare at each other. Crawford can feel Schuldich's weight on him as the redhead sits back on his legs, but that has to be his own imagination. Schuldich feels and looks so real now, his presence so strong it is hard to believe he is only a ghost or something that does not belong to this world. If anything, Schuldich seems to be even more alive than he was before, although that does not make any sense. Perhaps this prolonged mental speaking has peaked Crawford's senses. Perhaps with Schuldich being what he is now, Crawford has gone from feeling for him rather than seeing him.

//Well?// Schuldich breaks the silence first, his blue eyes still holding Crawford's golden brown ones..

"What?"

//Do you want me to kiss you?//

Crawford covers his face with his hands. "No."

He cannot take any more of this. This is just not the kind of situation he ever gets in. This is more like the kind of joke Schuldich and Nagi would pull together, just to try to catch him out, which they never managed to do except for the first time with their lie about crashing his car.

There are no more words from Schuldich for a while. He sits there, waiting for Crawford to look at him again.

"Now what?"

//Look at me when you answer! Do you want me to kiss you?//

Crawford takes a deep breath. He looks inside himself for an honest answer, not one of quick denial or plain lust. A honest, true answer...

"No."

Schuldich snickers like a child, red hair tumbling forward and hiding his face. He sweeps them back with a hand, then gets off his companion, finally, still unable to wipe the smirk off his face. //You know, loads of people would've jumped at the chance.// He catches Crawford rolling his eyes. //What, you think I'm bluffing?//

Crawford shakes his head. Recalling the moment he first sat eyes on Schuldich, and his immediate reaction of taking him onto his team without the slightest thought on the potential problems, how can Crawford doubt what Schuldich just said? In the past he had to try so hard not to fall prey to Schuldich's charm, and back then Schuldich had not even tried anything. If Schuldich had tried, he could have had anyone he wanted.

Suddenly a question comes to Crawford's mind: What exactly happened between Schuldich and Silvia? Silvia's words, when she and the rest of Fablos clashed with Schwarz some five years ago, rung in Crawford's head.

"Oh, you're here too, Schuldich? Well, have you gotten any better at making a girl happy?"

What could have happened between Schuldich, who knew he could have anyone he wanted, yet made no move on the one he wanted "all the damn time", and Silvia, who lusted after the same man?

But Crawford is in no position to ask now. It is something of the past, and it does not have anything to do with him, really.

//You look like you're going to fall asleep.// Schuldich voice brings Crawford's mind back to the room. He stands, straightening his clothes unnecessarily. //So, see you tomorrow.//

Crawford's eyes follow Schuldich as he moves across the room. Schuldich is at the door - he still likes to use it like a real person would - when he stops, answering Crawford's question before it is asked.

//I want to see Nagi.// There is an odd look on Schuldich's face, but it is quickly replaced by a grin. //And you probably need some personal time, I've hoarded you for too long. Night!//

He is gone before Crawford has said anything, but back in a blink as well.

//Did you ever realise, we've known each other for so damn long and lived together and did loads of shit together, but we've never said goodnight?// The redhead smiles, slipping his hands into his coat pockets.

Crawford is beginning to ask himself why, since Nagi left the room, he seems to have no answers for anything that Schuldich has said so far. Maybe he is too tired to think now.

"Well... goodnight, Schuldich."

The redhead's smile turns into a satisfied grin. //Night, Brad. Sweet dreams.//

+++

All lights in the room are switched off save Nagi's lamp on the nightstand. Curled up warm in his bed, Nagi watches Farfarello. On another bed just a few feet from his, the Irishman sleeps, seemingly peaceful now - if peaceful is a word that can be used on him - after waking up earlier and needing to talk. Silently Nagi pushes himself up and leans over to get a closer look, and to his satisfaction Farfarello has truly fallen asleep.

At that moment, the air in the room seems to have suddenly changed. Nagi blinks in surprise, but not bothering to get up. "Schu?"

//Indeed it's me.// Schuldich says with a smirk, knowing that no one can hear him. With hands in his pockets, he walks to Farfarello's bedside, and peers at the Irishman's face. Nagi senses the movement, and traces it with his eyes. He knows where Schuldich is, but he is looking straight through him.

"Farfarello... he's got a problem. He's been thinking about it for weeks. He just decided to tell me what it's all about, so he called me down." Nagi speaks even quieter than usual, not wanting to wake Farfarello up.

Schuldich presses his lips together in thought. Beside religious beliefs, what can trouble their former resident psycho?

"Sally wants a baby." Nagi tells him, not needing to be asked.

//Hmm. No wonder.// Schuldich nods. Women and their family dreams. That really is a problem. There is a high chance a baby from paranormal parents will also be a paranormal. Even with the downfall of SS and Rosenkreuz there is no guarantee that children with special conditions will be safe; paranormals have been hunted all through human history. And there is a high chance of mental abnormalities in these children. Not to mention the responsibilities of parenthood.

Schuldich cannot help but snicker at the image of his friend being a father. Nagi he can imagine, with a child or two, even Crawford, although it would take a very great woman to have his children and that chance is slim, but not Farfarello. And of course not himself. He dislikes children, and cannot even imagine passing his curse of telepathy onto a child he has to take care of. But he has not come here to think about parenthood...

Nagi looks around again. Schuldich is moving towards him, he can feel it.

Without a word, Schuldich crawls into Nagi's bed, curling up behind to the young man.

"... Schu?" Startled, Nagi tries to push himself up, but something is stopping him. It feels as though an arm is draping over him, the way Schuldich did when Nagi first joined Schwarz and they shared a bed.

//Just let me stay here for a bit.// Schuldich buries his face in the crook of Nagi's neck, wondering if Nagi can feel his breath. //Hmm... you've grown so much taller.//

Nagi cannot find words to describe what he is feeling. Schuldich is a presence, a power to Nagi's paranormal body. Something immaterial, something familiar. And like always, he senses evil in Schuldich. The feeling sharper than ever because of his own strengthed abilities and Schuldich's form of existence, perhaps. There is no denying that Schuldich is an evil man, but he is always kind to Nagi. Despite who and what he is, Schuldich can and does love. Something probably even Crawford overlooked, Nagi suspects.

"Schu, what's wrong?" Nagi asks, his voice gentle.

What is wrong? Nothing. Schuldich smiles sadly. He just wants to think. And hold Nagi like he did when Nagi was little.

//Shhh... I just miss you. And I want to think.//

"What happened? Schu, you must tell me. What's wrong?"

Why is Nagi asking, when he cannot hear his answer anyway? Schuldich's hand moves slowly, pressing a finger on Nagi's lips. Biting his lips, Nagi nods, knowing what Schuldich wants from him now. Quiet companionship.

Even if Nagi can hear his words, Schuldich does not know what to say.

He had missed the greatest thing ever in his life. It was there, and all it would have needed was a gentle push, and maybe it could be his. It was there. Something he wanted desperately but he did not know it himself. It was right there in front of him.

And now, it is no more. There is no going back.

Crawford had looked at him, and he said "no".

[to be continued]