Title: Intruder Alert 3: Transition
Author: Frostmourne
Disclaimer: I don't own Vision of Escaflowne so don't sue me…
Chapter Dedication: the original esca chick, Yukishin, Faraday, Fuzzie, Kat-Tastrophe, megami04, Diesty-chan, Feathers of Snow: Honeypot, Night of the Raven, Magicman/Smokegirl, My Silver Flame, MysticalDreamer32, SabrinaYutsuki, angelized, blue ice 2, kiwimix, hehehe, Lady-of-the-Lord, , mel_88, bebopin'-dreamer, dreamingofflyingaway, Izzy, duh-hikki-zealot, dilly-sammas luver, roselle, ninelives, Dark-Dreams-69, hi, non, koneri, CrAyOnS tAstE LIkE pUrple
Summary: Hitomi Kanzaki and Dilandau Albatou were forced on a roller coaster ride of bad impressions, an unwanted engagement, and a weird friendship others do not take too kindly on. When they stepped out of the ride and went back to how they originally wanted everything – having nothing to do with each other – they're up for another roller coaster ride. This time, it's a ride they both need to decide the right way to pursue.
Chapter 9: Hush now, be still love, don't cry
Hitomi knocked softly before reaching for the door knob. She hesitated and looked at Celena who looked at her with both a sad and hopeful face. With a sigh, Hitomi turned the knob and pushed the door slightly open.
"Dilandau?"
There was no answer and she just stood there by the door, noting that the only light in the room was from the shape-casting lamp she had forced on him before.
"Dilandau?"
Still no answer but she walked towards the bed, stopping near it.
"Dilandau?"
She could see the outline of his body on one side of the bed and from his relaxed form, she knew he was sleeping. Walking near him, she kneeled on the floor and touched his arm.
"Dilandau?"
For minutes, the only movement that came from him was from the rhythmic rising and falling of his chest as he breathed. She kept calling his name softly and at length, she felt the muscles underneath her fingers tense up. He was already awake, completely aware of her presence.
"Dilandau?"
Neither an answer nor a movement came from him.
"May we talk?"
His silence could've meant a yes or a no. But she decided that it was neither and it was up to her to decide for both of them. So she gathered her courage to talk and make everything alright.
"I didn't know," she had begun. "I didn't even expect that my dad would have me sent back to America. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to disappoint him so I didn't say anything. It's not like I really hoped for this."
He wasn't saying anything and he wasn't relaxing even a fraction but she knew he was listening. And it was all that she needed as a motivation to continue.
"If you think that I am betraying my promise and that I'm choosing my friends over you, you're wrong. I'm not choosing anyone. It's just that maybe this is the best way."
"How?"
She was startled when he spoke. She wasn't expecting him to speak to her at all.
"How, Hitomi? Tell me."
She hesitated but he gave her the time she needed. "Maybe we could all go back to how everything was."
Obviously, it wasn't an answer endearing to him for he turned away and moved to the farthest part of the bed, away from her. "You said what you needed to say. Now leave."
"Dilandau---"
"Leave," he repeated in a voice so cold that it was almost like a slap.
She couldn't move. She was hurt to say the least and in the darkest recesses of her mind, she wondered why she was so hurt.
The dimness of the room contributed to the oppressing and agonizing silence that settled. She couldn't even breathe. Her chest was tightening and her eyes started to sting for reasons unknown to her. A long time passed and still it was the same. When she couldn't take it, she forced herself to stand up.
"Hitomi."
She looked back at his form, now towards her but still so out of her reach.
"I'm sorry. I… I just don't understand, Hitomi. I really don't."
She sighed. "Then let's talk about it, so that we'd understand."
"We?"
She closed her eyes for a moment. "I don't understand, too."
Silence settled once more. It seemed that so much time had passed but in reality, it was only mere seconds when Dilandau lifted the sheet covering him and waited for Hitomi. She understood the offer. Removing her shoes, she settled beside him on the bed and stared at him.
The dimness of the room did nothing to spoil his strikingly beautiful face. It was amazing how changed he looked though. Gone were the cocky expression and mocking glee he had etched on his charming appearance. Gone was the domineering Dilandau, replaced by this Dilandau who strangely looked like a lost little boy who'd believe anything she'd say.
"Maybe it is better if we just let things happen," she said finally.
"How does it make things better?"
"Don't you notice that there are more pains now that we're around each other? Even as we try to help each other up, we always end up hurting each other. I wanted to thank you and then I made a promise, now I'm breaking it so I'm hurting you. When I get hurt, you feel hurt. When you're hurt, I'm also hurt. We always hurt each other."
"I'm sorry."
"No," she said softly as her eyes began to sting once again. "It's not just you. It's also me. I don't know, but I think I just destroyed you, Dilandau. Just look at you. Celena's right. You're open to me that I can hurt you so much. I don't want you like that… I don't want you to be hurt."
"Why?"
"Because you're my friend."
Everything was quiet after her last word. It was as if everything around them was listening to what each of them would have to say next. The last word seemed to echo in their heads and each time it reverberated, there was a slight whisper in the deepest alcove of their minds… of their hearts.
You're lying…
You're lying…
Doubt was whispering so faintly that they both couldn't hear it. But they felt it. They felt the wrongness of the word. However, they couldn't understand what they felt, and so they set it aside as if it was nothing… as if it was just part of their imagination.
"Do you know that you're the only one I allowed to hurt me?"
Hitomi reached out a hand to touch his face fleetingly. "Yes."
"How?"
"It seemed so off to see you get emotionally hurt. It looked so wrong."
It seemed to take a long time before Dilandau spoke again. "I'm pathetic, do you know that?"
She smiled faintly. "Of course I do. I taught you how to become pathetic. And I hate the fact that you let me teach you. I think I should just yell at you until you realize that you shouldn't let me ruin you like this."
He didn't answer at first. And he looked as if he was thinking of what to say to her. She just watched him though, giving him the time, the hand that touched his beautiful face now resting between their very close forms on the bed.
"It's strange. I didn't know friendship could do this… ruin each other."
A pain flashed so quickly in her emerald eyes, not at all recognizable in the dimness of the room. "It doesn't, Dilandau. So maybe we got it all wrong. So maybe it's just right that we go back to how everything was."
"We stop being friends?"
"No. But we stop being around each other."
He closed his eyes for a few seconds. "I never had someone like you. Even when you boss me around… I'm comfortable with it… like nothing's wrong. It feels so right to always have you around me. I'm confused, Hitomi. If it's so bad, why does it feel so right?"
"I don't know, Dilandau, I don't know."
"Do you feel that way?"
She nodded, her hair rubbing against the pillow her head was resting on. "It's so strange, isn't it? It's bad for us and yet it feels so right."
"Then maybe it isn't bad."
"How do you explain us getting hurt all the time?"
"It isn't all the time, Hitomi. We've had some good times, too. It's just… it's just part of life."
"Yes, it is. But it's too much in such a short time," said the green-eyed girl, her voice having a touch of fleeting sadness. "This is part of growing up… letting go."
"Even if it hurts?"
"Yes. Because it hurts more to hold onto something that only does nothing but cause you pain. You'd feel lesser pain if you let go earlier."
Dilandau was looking at her so closely. "What if it's worth all the pain?"
"What if it's not?"
They stared at each other for a long time, neither feeling uncomfortable at the eye-contact.
"I don't know why even if we're just friends… I don't want to let you go."
Hitomi smiled slightly at what Dilandau said. He was being so different, being so candid in a little boy sort of way. It was almost weird had not the fact that he was also human knocked on her head. "What do you want me to do?"
He looked at her straight in the eye. "Don't leave me."
The silence that punctuated his words was filled with so much emotion that it was hard to distinguish whether it was good or bad.
"I trust you so much that I don't even understand it. You're the first one I believed in so much to help me feel alright all the time," said Dilandau after such a long time. "Do you know what I feel right now?"
She didn't answer.
"I feel like I'm a five-year-old kid lost in a big shopping mall all alone."
It struck her how unconsciously she could read him far better than anyone. She couldn't understand why she had such a strong link to him.
"And this girl found me, asked me if I was lost and promised to bring me back home and make everything okay." He forced a sigh back. "Then in the middle of her promise, she told me she have to go home. I don't want to let her go because then, I'll be alone again… I'll be so lost again."
Very unconsciously, her tears started to fall and mingle with the strands of her hair, with the fabric of the pillowcase. It was unnoticeable in the murkiness they were in. But he seemed to have instinctive impulses about it for he reached out and touched the corner of one of her eyes, withdrawing his hand thereafter as if he was just confirming something he knew very well.
"I told her not to go but she had to, she said. Because if she didn't, the bus would leave her and she'd be stranded. And then I told her I'll tell my family to allow her to stay with us, that I'd take her to my home if she showed me my way back, that I'd take her to my home if she were left by the bus and had nowhere to go to. I told her all that because I trusted her… I felt comfortable with her even if she was a stranger because…"
He trailed off as if he had realized something that he was desperately trying to understand for a long time. His eyes widened almost imperceptibly and he tensed up, making her wonder what she did wrong.
For a long time, neither said a word. They just lay on the bed, so close, side by side. They were there so close, but both wondering what the other was thinking… was feeling.
"Because I…" Dilandau trailed off once more, continuing only in his mind. 'I fell in love with the stranger guiding me back.'
"Tell me, Dilandau," she said in an almost pleading voice.
"I can't. Because I don't know what happened then. I can't tell you why because I don't know if she left me on my own."
Guilt gnawed at her.
Absconder…
Escapee…
Deserter…
You left him…
You will leave him…
Her silence made him wonder.
"Did she?"
She couldn't reply for she didn't know the answer, not now when everything was once again turning upside-down.
The silence killed him, little by little. And the nagging voice of doubt settled on him.
She doesn't love you…
She loves Allen…
She's not happy with you…
But she is with Allen…
They'll go back together…
Go back to how it all was…
And then you'll be alone…
Alone…
Like you always have been…
"I want to take your pain so you wouldn't be hurt anymore. Why won't you let me? Why are you running away when I want to help you now?" He asked in a voice heavy with pain. 'Why can't I keep you?'
"Because I don't want you hurting for me."
He closed his eyes tightly, desperately forcing back the tears that stung his eyes so suddenly.
"When she found you, you were a strong little boy," she said, softly continuing his story. "Cocky, domineering but strong… then you grew dependent on her that you didn't even want to protect yourself anymore… that you grew so used to her that you trusted her so much… so much that she can hurt you with just one decision. The time came that she had to go away. There were two choices left, she stays and makes you even more vulnerable, or she goes on the bus to make you strong once again." She paused for a long time. "What do you think did she choose?"
He didn't say anything, just closed his eyes tighter, already knowing the answer.
"She left… because then you'd find the strong little boy in you once again. You'd grow up and find your way back on your own."
"Did she want to leave?"
There was a long silence and his heart sank. But then, when she spoke, her answer gave him hope.
"No, because she knew she would miss the little boy who was troublesome at first but was actually a nice little one."
"Then why did she leave?"
"Because she had to."
"I don't understand."
She looked at him with pleading eyes. "Do you know what she said when she was saying goodbye to the little boy and he didn't want her to go?"
"No."
"She said that sometimes, you have to let others go their own way so that you can also go on your own. Sometimes, you have to let others go because that's part of life… you can't just stand in the middle of nowhere crying because you were left alone. You have to also live for yourself."
"But I don't want to be alone again."
A painful tightening was upon her chest and it was becoming harder and harder for her to breath without sobbing. She couldn't stop herself from reaching out and stroking his hair, so softly, so comfortingly. The softness of his silver tresses caressed her fingers back. And as strange as it was, it helped soothe her raging emotions.
It was strange.
She wanted to offer him comfort by the touch, and yet, she was the one comforted.
"You're not alone, Dilandau. Even as you don't know the sea of faces in the shopping mall, you can also get to know them. If you weren't able to keep the girl, maybe you'd be able to keep others."
"I read one of what you wrote," he said suddenly. "You said you wish you can keep me. I'm letting you… but why won't you?"
She kept running her fingers through his hair. Again and again that it felt so familiar to her. "If keeping you will hurt you far worse than letting you go, I wouldn't want to keep you. You're not alone. In reality, you have your family and your friends. Before I came here, you had them. Even when I leave, they'll still be here… maybe they are the ones who could bring you back, not the girl who is a stranger to you."
"You're really leaving then."
She nodded, hints of sadness visible on her face. But he didn't see it, for he still had his eyes closed, afraid to open them only to find out that even this last moment with her was just a dream.
The room fell almost silent. The faint sound of Hitomi's sniffing was the only thing heard. Even his breathing was almost too quiet. But then, he opened his eyes. His red orbs were gleaming faintly with unshed tears as he gazed straight to her eyes, rubies against emeralds.
"Before you go, tell me something… anything… that I could believe in. I don't care what it is. Just tell me what to believe in."
It was a long time before she finally answered. "Hope, Dilandau… hope that you'd still find your way back on your own, without the stranger girl who found you… hope that you can still have faith that others wouldn't leave… hope that things will turn out alright… just simply hope."
They looked at each other for a long time until finally, Dilandau nodded. He lifted the covers once more and waited until Hitomi moved closer to him. She smiled faintly at him and he smiled back, engulfing her slim frame in his warm and protective embrace.
She welcomed the hug and moved closer, her forehead resting on his chin and her hands clutching at his shirt so tightly as if she never wanted to let go.
As like the few previous times she was in his embrace, his warmth and smell was lulling her to sleep. At such a close proximity, she could faintly hear his heart beating so steadily and she was having a hard time keeping her eyes open. Finally, she gave up and closed her eyes, letting sleep take her away.
When her breathing was even enough to assure him she was asleep, one of his hands found their way to her hair. He stroked much like she did before, seeking comfort in the simple contact.
"I hope someday I'll make it back… make it back to you," he said.
His warm breath caressed her hair and she moved closer to him unconsciously. He smiled faintly. Hitomi had obviously spent much time soaking in her bubble bath. Her nice scent was taking over his senses. A bit later, he had fallen asleep, still holding her so closely and a hand still in her silky honey-brown tresses.
~tbc~
Author's Note: Like before, I'm sure you wouldn't even remember what you said in your reviews so I guess there's no use in replying ^^, Anyhow, it's been a month. Life had been tough on me. And well, it was draining my mind that even when I had concepts on the story, they all slip away. Not to worry, I 'm going to finish this. But it'd probably end on the part three unless you are all willing to go for a take four on this series. For now though, thanks for sticking with the story. Thanks for everything ^^,