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Chapter 22 - What Dreams May Come
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Haldir addressed his sedate brother softly.
"Master Elendir tells me that you may return home for the remainder of your convalescence."
Rúmil just nodded silently as he accepted Orophin's assistance in sitting.
"Is that your wish? Do you want to return home? Orophin and I will not be so quick to pamper and fawn over you as some have."
Haldir's attempt to bait his brother went unchallenged, and he frowned, watching as Rúmil allowed Orophin to dress him as if he was an elfling's doll.
"That will be fine," Rúmil said quietly, and he tugged on the cloak that Orophin offered him. Since his return, Rúmil had been quick to chill as his body labored to heal itself.
Haldir stepped up beside Rúmil as he stood shakily on his feet, supporting him on the left while Orophin supported him on the right. Their progress was slow; Rúmil moved stiffly and had to stop from time to time to rest.
"Perhaps 'tis too soon?" Orophin said anxiously, as they noticed Rúmil shiver violently and clutch his cloak more tightly around his shoulders.
Rúmil shook his head, and whispered, "Nay, I am all right. It will be good to be home. Saes, let us continue."
Finally reaching their talan, Rúmil looked up at the daunting height with trepidation.
"I do not think…"
Haldir stopped him with a hand on his shoulder, and softly said, "'Tis all right, Rúmil, I will help you."
Haldir lifted Rúmil carefully, cradling him against his chest. He expected his brother to grumble, to complain about being carried, but it was just the opposite; Rúmil seemed to melt lifeless against him. Briefly exchanging a look of disquiet with his brother, the March Warden began his assent with Orophin trailing behind, ready to steady them if necessary.
Once they had reached the balcony of the talan, Haldir did not put his brother down but continued to carry Rúmil inside, settling him onto his bed where Orophin had moved it into the main living area, closer to the fire.
Haldir and Orophin leaned over him, tending to his still healing body, while attempting to draw their taciturn brother into the conversation. Rúmil lay quietly, shifting this way and that as required. He listened half-heartedly, giving the occasional nod or smile. Suddenly feeling chill, he said, "I am cold."
Haldir moved quickly to fetch another blanket while Orophin threw more wood on the fire, tugging the bed as close as he dare to the flames. Scooting forward on his knees, Orophin laid his head down on Rúmil's pillow and reached out to tuck some errant strands of hair back behind Rúmil's ear.
"Would you like something to eat? The healers gave us strict instructions to make you eat. 'Twas the only way they would allow us bring you home."
Rúmil pressed his hand against the growing knot in his stomach, which seemed to tighten even more at the mention of food, especially the wretched concoction disguised as soup that the healers insisted that he eat. Gazing back at his brother, he said, "Not right now. I am tired from the walk. Perhaps when I wake?"
A quick flash of frustration crossed Orophin's face, and with a sigh, he said, "All right, but when you wake, you must eat."
"I will."
Feeling slightly warmer, Rúmil stared into the dancing flames of the fire. With long fingers, he reached over and traced the scar that ran across his arm, the scar from the wound that started it all. Master Elendir said that it would fade in time. However, the outward scar actually caused him little pain now; it was the scars within that continued to torment him.
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An odd silence pulled Haldir from a restless reverie, and he lay still, listening intently, trying to focus on what was missing from the familiar nighttime chorus. He could easily hear the creatures that favored the twilight, chattering and greeting one another happily; he could hear the breeze whispering its secrets to the trees and the returning gossip of the leaves; what he could not hear was… Haldir he sat up abruptly and lunged toward the bed in which Rúmil slept.
"Rúmil?"
Haldir bent over him, shaking his shoulders vigorously.
"Rúmil!"
Startled awake by Haldir's fearful shout, Orophin joined his brother at Rúmil's side.
"What is wrong?"
"He is not breathing," Haldir said tightly, and he shook Rúmil more forcefully, desperately trying to rouse him.
Their brother's face was pinched with pain, his body rigid, and his hands clawed at the sheets, opening and closing frantically as if trying to pull him free from some unseen attacker.
When his brother's eyes snapped open, Haldir breathed a sigh of relief but then cried out in alarm as Rúmil jerked violently away from his touch, tumbling to the floor with an anguished grunt. He scrambled quickly into the corner, gasping for breath and holding his arm tightly against his chest.
Haldir moved to go to him, but Orophin grabbed him, holding him back.
"Wait."
"But, he…"
"He still dreams, Haldir. We are but phantoms to him."
Rúmil pressed himself deeper into the corner, attempting to appear as small as possible, while his unfocused eyes darted about the room. After a few minutes, it seemed that awareness began to return as his gaze settled on his brothers. They stayed like that until Rúmil's breathing evened out, and his body began to relax.
"Rúmil, are you all right?"
Eyes blinking slowly, Rúmil tipped his head back into the corner, staring intently at his brothers.
"I do not know his name."
"Of whom do you speak, Rúmil? Whose name do you not know?"
"The one who stopped him… he had kind eyes."
Haldir was thoughtful for a moment, trying to pull from his memory the lies told to him by the feredir, and then it suddenly occurred him. The adan they found in the pit, he had helped Rúmil and died most cruelly for it.
"Daris, I believe his name was Daris."
"Daris…," whispered Rúmil softly, "'tis a nice name, is it not?"
Both brothers nodded slowly, watching as Rúmil drifted back into reverie. Haldir rose and approached him cautiously then leaned over and picked him up, cradling Rúmil's limp body against his own. Orophin quickly replaced the sweat-soaked sheets, and then trying to soothe his brother's restless countenance, let his fingers drift through his long, silvery-blonde hair as they settled him back into bed.
"He is fading."
"I know."
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Haldir studied the roster for the fifth time that morning, but he still could not make himself concentrate on the neatly written script etched on the parchment, his thoughts drifting constantly to his brother.
He was the Captain of the Guard. He had worked hard for this, but he was not sure if it was what he desired anymore.
When he first became Captain, his only uncertainty had been his brothers. He knew he had to be impartial, instinctively knew that he could not use his position to protect them; they would not allow it. He also knew that he could not prove his impartiality by putting them in harm's way; he would not allow it.
It had become easier with time but now that uncertainty had returned, ten-fold. Who would be next? Whose life would he affect with his decisions, whose family might he destroy?
He sighed loudly, gazing blankly at the parchment before him. However, even distracted, he easily heard the almost silent footfalls of someone approaching, waiting to be acknowledged. Haldir stood immediately and turned, bowing his head respectfully.
"My Lord."
Having heard his Captain's sigh, Celeborn walked across the room and picked up the cause of his March Warden's disquiet.
"How goes it with the roster?"
Haldir hesitated, glancing to the roster, trying to decide if he should disclose his unease to his Lord, but Celeborn knew what troubled his March Warden; he had anticipated it. Not waiting for Haldir to reply, Celeborn returned the roster to the desk.
"I have always been greatly troubled when the time comes for choosing a Captain from amongst the guard. I know you all so well, and 'tis difficult to choose amongst those you care about to send into possibly perilous situations…," pausing to look at Haldir, he continued, "but then I remember that all have been trained by great warriors or are great warriors themselves. I have the utmost confidence in all of you."
Haldir met his Lord gaze evenly, and said, "I am proud of my brothers and their skill and would choose no others to stand beside me in times of trial, but by my decision, Rúmil has come to be injured and could have been killed."
"Life is unpredictable at best, Haldir. Even my Lady with her Mirror cannot foresee all. 'Tis the way of things, even for the Eldar."
Haldir nodded his head and meeting Celeborn's wise gaze, conveyed his thanks.
Reaching out and taking Haldir gently by the arm, Celeborn asked, "Has Anendel been to visit with Rúmil yet?" Celeborn began walking back toward the city, leading Haldir with him as he went.
"Aye, he and Rúmil spoke at length, and Rúmil was finally able to put him at ease."
"That is good. I was greatly concerned for him, as I am still for Rúmil. It will be good to see Anendel at peace once again."
Haldir followed silently, deep in thought, and then said, "I had hoped that speaking with Anendel would do Rúmil some good as well. He attempts to hide it, but there is a shadow lingering over him. He seems almost… fragile, my Lord. I do not know what to do. I wish I could simply command him back to his old self."
Celeborn chuckled lightly, and said, "If only 'twas that easy. I fear that Rúmil may never return to his old self but there is always hope, for I sorely miss that part of him. Though, I remember a time when you would have gladly throttled the mischief right out of him."
Smiling, Haldir said, "Aye, I think I may have taken that troublesome side of his nature for granted. I would give anything to see it return again."
Stopping just below the talan that the guardian shared with his brothers, Celeborn grasped Haldir's shoulder, and said, "Go and see to your brother. The roster can wait."
"Thank you, my Lord, your council has been of great comfort," said Haldir, and then he quickly ascended the steps to their talan.
"I pray to the Valar that you succeed, Haldir," he said quietly to himself, and turning, the Lord of Lothlòrien continued toward the city.
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"My Lady, may I speak with you?"
"Always, Orophin, you need not ask." Galadriel motioned Orophin through the garden to sit beside her on a padded bench.
"Tell me, how fares Rúmil?"
"I fear for him greatly. He barely eats…" Orophin's voice faltered and Galadriel grasped his hand in hers firmly, encouraging him to continue.
"He is plagued with foul dreams, my Lady. He grows weak from lack of sleep. Yet, despite the dreams, he still seeks sleep unending."
Galadriel closed her eyes briefly, considering Orophin's words, trying to decide how much to reveal. She knew what was troubling the young elf and had hoped that he would choose to unburden his heart rather then keep his fears locked within.
"Orophin, Rúmil's trial went beyond bodily injury. His spirit traveled without and was slow to return," and then glancing skyward, she said, "and I sense that his return was not wholly of his choosing."
Orophin paled at this revelation, and trying to control his emotions, asked, "Are you saying he seeks to fade?"
Galadriel met his gaze warmly, and said, "Nay, I am saying that he seeks to live, but the pain he carries within himself makes it difficult to know how to do so."
'It begins, meleth nín.'
Galadriel's gaze strayed briefly as Celeborn spoke to her and then to returned to Orophin.
"Go to them now, Orophin. Your brothers need your strength."
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"This is not you, Rúmil." Haldir glared down at the half-eaten plate of food in frustration. Rúmil had grown thin and gaunt; he needed to eat.
Rúmil slumped on the bed, and wearily said, "I am simply tired, I will finish it later, I promise."
"The healers…"
"The healers? The healers know nothing!" Rúmil hissed, and a long-absent fire sparked in his eyes, blazing them to life.
Seeing the flash of light in his brother's eyes, Haldir took a chance and continued to push.
"Rúmil, 'twould help if you spoke of it, if you shared with us what happened," and just as quickly as the fire within his brother's eyes had kindled, it sputtered and died.
"You know all that happened, Haldir. There is nothing left to tell that my body does not speak of. I see no reason to relive it."
"Rúmil!" Haldir was not ready to let it go, not this time.
"Saes, Haldir, why will you not just let me be?" Rúmil sagged back onto the bed, throwing an arm over his eyes to block out the glow of the fire and his brother's unrelenting gaze.
"You have slept enough!" Haldir let out a loud growl, and looking down at his brother's supine form, said, "All right, if that is what I must do, so be it!"
Rúmil dropped his arm and looked at Haldir in confusion. What must he do?
Pacing the floor thoughtfully, Haldir began by saying, "You left Anendel, bleeding to death, up in a tree, on one of the most far-flung of our borders." He then pivoted to face Rúmil, and said, "You then walked calmly into the Faradrim encampment and let them bind you hand and foot."
Rúmil sat up slowly, his lips parting as if to speak, and at the look of pain in his brother's eyes, Haldir's insides seemed to twist brutally, but he was determined to make it end.
"You refused all their concerned offers of food and water."
"They did not…"
Holding up a hand, Haldir silenced him, and said, "Nay, muindor, do not interrupt, you had your chance. Now, 'tis my turn, since I must surmise on my own by what I see."
Haldir forced himself to turn away from his brother before he uttered the words that could possibly kill them both, and taking a deep breath, he said, "You then lay down for them, offering yourself for their pleasure, and by your own admission, more than once."
Rúmil was shaking visibly now, his eyes brimming with tears.
"There was naught I could do. I was bound… I fought him… I did… I swear it."
Then squeezing his eyes shut tightly, Haldir finished it.
"And, after all was done, you decided you wanted to leave us, choosing instead to walk the Halls of Mandos, and gladly cast yourself into a filthy hole in the ground to lie amongst dead!"
Rúmil paled visibly, fighting to keep what little he had eaten in his stomach, at the near truth of Haldir's words.
"I knew not what he intended… I did not want to leave you…"
Haldir grasp his brother tightly by the arms, pulling him up off the bed.
"Is this your desire? To finish what you started by wasting away? You are but a shadow of what you once were!"
"Haldir!"
Haldir turned to see Orophin standing in the doorway, his eyes wide with concern and anger.
"'Tis enough, Orophin!"
Orophin stepped into the room, looking from Haldir to Rúmil.
"Look at him, Haldir! He is afraid!"
Haldir's looked back at Rúmil, and his heart shattered as he met his brother's terrified gaze. He was trembling, and Haldir immediately loosened his grip, supporting Rúmil as he slid down to his knees onto the floor.
"'Tis my fault… I took the danger too lightly, I… I drove him to it."
Haldir shook his head vehemently.
"You are not responsible for the wicked deeds of others. If there must be blame in this, then let it be with me. I sent you there."
Dropping down next to Haldir, Orophin said, "And it must rest with me also, for I was not there with you. I did not protect you."
Rúmil brought his hands up to his ears, trying to block them out. This was not right… they found him… they brought him home.
Orophin gently grasped Rúmil's hands, pulling them away.
"You told Anendel that he held no blame for what happened, why can you not believe that for yourself? The men responsible, those truly to blame, are dead."
The brittle walls that had shielded Rúmil for so long finally cracked and turned to dust. With great dread, so sure that everyone he loved would forever turn away from him, he whispered, "I… I did pray for Mandos to take me… I begged for release from my torment and willingly sought death. I am sorry. Saes, saes… forgive me."
Haldir and Orophin grabbed Rúmil as he began to fall back and pulling him between them, embraced him tightly.
"There is nothing to forgive, Rúmil, you did nothing wrong. Just come back to us; we need you."
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~* To Be Continued *~
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