This is a cool little fic in honour of the 15th birthday of my li'l buddy
Fish, who is featured in 'Pirates of the Mausoleum', and the singer (ahem)
of the Severus Snape Song. It's her birthday today, and I'm in an ICT
lesson. And I'm bored. So basically...I love ya, man! And fight the
wrinkles, they won't take hold unless you give in to them!!!! By the
way...I have no plans for this fic, I'll just start typing and see what
happens! Hope you like it! (Plus, you know the drill, I didn't make up
these characters or places etc etc etc)
Severus Snape strode through the corridor, his black cloak billowing out behind him like an impressive velvet-lined bin bag currently taking the form of a cloak. At first sight he seemed normal; that is, as normal as a greasy-haired wand-wielding dress-wearing huge-nosed dude can get. But if you look closer, you will see an unusual wrath shine in his deep, dark eyes, and his hands tighten convulsively into fists. The only other slight unusual thing is that, beneath his tightly clasped cloak, he is naked as the day Satan made him. He strides like a black, malevolent predator through the school, his territory, and his face darkens as he nears his dungeon.
The door has been wrenched off its hinges by a huge blast, leaving the doors themselves as blackened empty shells in the corridor. Snape's mouth tightened as he surveys one of the side effects of his experiment, and his thunderous brows contorted into an expression of perpetual rage. He strode down the stone steps, cringing slightly as his cloak twitches aside to expose his nakedness, and stormed into the office at the end of the dungeon, slamming the door behind him.
"Oh, damn," he moaned as he surveyed his office. "Oh, no, oh damn, why? Why did this have to happen to me?"
The floor was awash with green grunge, with floating orange bits of scum and half dissolved...Snape peered closer to discover they were sugar puffs. Or lentils, or baby pasta shells, he couldn't decide which. They looked pretty scummy, whatever they were. His brand new solid gold (black-tinted) cauldron had exploded under the force of the detonation, caking the walls and ceiling in soot.
"Why did I even have to try doing this experiment?" Snape groaned, putting his face in his hands and feeling quite surprised when he could only fit in his nose. "Cross-world teleportations are seldom wise. But I had to see...oh, damn my morbid curiosity!"
Now, dear reader, let me take a break while Sevvie breaks down in tears, to tell you what you've missed. Ole' Snapey heard of the Harry Potter Films in the muggle world, and decided, as a result of his towering superiority and aforementioned morbid curiosity, to see if the actor who played him was as debonair and attractive (forgive my snorts of laughter...HAHAHAHAHA!) as himself. So he summoned to his dungeon none other than...DUH DUH DAAAAAH! ...ALAN RICKMAN! But there was something he hadn't bargained for...
...A STOWAWAY!
So basically, Snape had added the last ingredient, poked the sludge with his wand, and the cauldron had exploded, leaving a sludge, scum and lentil/sugarpuff/pasta covered Alan Rickman, and a sludge, scum and lentil/sugarpuff/pasta covered...
...something else...
He had then blacked out, only to wake up in the Gryffindor common room with no sign of either of the escaped teleportees, his wand...or his clothes, for that matter. The rest you know...
And now let's cut back to the slightly-recovered-but-still-gibbering- Severus.
"Okay," decided Snape resolutely, rubbing his hands together. "I'm going to recapture the test subjects, and send them back to where they belong. I'm looking for one Alan Rickman, and one...something else." He deflated slightly. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be tough. Maybe I'm to stupid to work this out. Maybe...they took my clothes because they think I'm badly dressed." He looked down despondently, and realised that the cold air had had a rather unfortunate effect on his...*cough cough*...anatomy. *AHEM!*
Then his head snapped up. "Wait...hang on...how dare they! They had me doubting my toughness! They had me sceptical about my intelligence..." Then he gasped, squealed girlishly, and clapped his hand to his mouth. "They had me doubting my FASHION SENSE!" he screamed, his face set in fury.
"Right!" snarled Snape, snatching up his shotgun, flamethrower, katana, Japanese Fighting Fish, grenade-belt, and butterfly net. "No more Mr Nice Lord of Slimy Things! Those trespassers are gonna PAY!" He grinned an evil grin foretelling dire revenge.
* * *
Elsewhere in the castle...
Alan Rickman looked cautiously around the corner, eyes open and fearful. Was SHE there? No, no, he couldn't see her. Taking a deep breath, he emerged into the corridor at a sprint, and pelted down the corridor. When he reached the door at the end he wrenched it open, rushed inside, and slammed the door behind him.
"Phew," thought Alan, closing his eyes in relief. He was extremely confused. One moment he had been walking along on the way to church, then a small, shrieking, spiky-haired figure had appeared from out of nowhere and attached herself to his leg, then, just as he was struggling to regain hold of his dignity, upright position, and rapidly-falling-down-trousers, a huge whirling vortex of light had appeared and sucked them in. Then, as he had stood there, stunned, the girl on his leg had screamed, "SEVVIE-KINS!," disengaged her hold on him, grabbed a stick held by a tall, hook-nosed, black-wearing bystander, shot the bystander with the stick, then with near- superhuman strength had lifted the unconscious man over her shoulder and hurried off with him! Poor Alan; it really wasn't his day. He felt sorry for the lank-haired, black-robed dude, though. At least he, Alan, was free now.
Opening his eyes, Alan Rickman was surprised to see a class-full of children in dark robes, all eyeing him suspiciously. With a surge of frenzied, panicked energy he leapt up, his brain working frantically to invent some plausible excuse for his existence as they all took out their sticks and pointed them at him.
"Erm..." ...c'mon, Alan...think!... "Erm..." anything! Anything will do! ... "I was just...chasing a grape..." he finished, and legged it before they had chance to figure out what he had said. His legs moving like wheels of randomly flailing limbs, Alan tore off down the corridor and disappeared up a flight of stairs, gibbering insanely, and fearing for his life.
* * *
Elsewhere in the castle...
Snape loaded his shotgun, feeling the cartridges slide smoothly into place. He cradled the gun lovingly against his pallid skin, feeling the cool kiss of the metal against his cheek.
"I wonder why muggles don't just shoot us?" he mused, a whole chain of linked thoughts unravelling before his mind's path. "I mean, while we're just messing around with our wands they could just blow us up! I mean, I doubt we'd even have time to shout "Ava-!" Then he paused, hearing a sound from the other side of the door he was leaning against. With a wicked grin, he shouldered his shotgun, and flung open the door.
A strange sight met his eyes. His three most hated students, Harry, Ron, and Hermione, were squirming naked on the floor, trussed up with duck tape and effectively gagged by large cuddly toy snakes wedged into their mouths. Upon Harry's bare back, the words – 'To Sev- A present from C. Fish' were written in fountain pen (ouch!).
Severus strode over to them and removed Harry's gag. "What happened here, Potter?" he asked, his mouth twitching with the effort not to laugh. "NO! DON'T GET UP!"
Harry remained where he was. "It was this strange girl, sir! We were all in the Gryffindor common room having an or...erm" he stuttered, blushing, "...an or...deal of the homework we were doing. Then she burst in, charmed duck tape onto us with her wand, translocated us to this room, and wrote...very painfully, I might add...on my back with pen! She was laughing maniacally all the time, but when she left, right before she slammed the door, she yelled, "And that's for stunning my precious little Sevvie-kins in book one!"
Snape smiled thinly. So, his quarry was young, and impulsive. Would make it so much easier to force her to do his bidding. He turned to go, but was stopped by a moan from the still gagged Hermione and Ron, and a cry from Harry.
"Sir, aren't you going to free us? And give us our clothes?" added Harry, pleadingly.
Severus paused. He thought of several nasty retorts, including asking why they had been doing homework naked, but finally shrugged.
"No."
* * *
Alan was terrified.
He was panting, now, as he ran, but could not stop. She was on his trail. He glanced behind, fearfully, and saw that demonically eager grin still closing the gap between them.
"Co-ee! Alan-baby!"
He shuddered, and kept running. Up ahead of him he saw a door open, and a bearded, wizened old man look out, beckon, and step back. He glanced back again, and rounded the corner, before zooming in through the doorway.
Albus slammed the door behind him. Together they listened as the sound of Vans smacking on stone briefly increased, then faded into the distance.
"Th-tha-thaaaaaaaaa" wheezed Alan, for, let's face it, he's not as young as he once was.
"You're welcome," replied Dumbledore simply. "Now, I have something very grave I want to talk to you about..."
* * *
She had been delighted to finally meet Alan. (Or his trouser leg.) She had been ecstatic to meet, (and undress), Severus. But to be stalking Alan Rickman around the fantastic realm of Hogwarts while being stalked herself by a very sexily-pissed-off naked Snape...
...she was in her element.
Fish stopped running when she realised she had been running around with apparently no purpose for the last 15 minutes. She looked around with interest, and her gaze finally came to rest upon a large pair of double doors. Walking cautiously up to them, she peered inside. Huge wooden trestle-tables packed with students stretched for the length of the great hall. Fish nodded appreciatively. But it seemed everyone was waiting for something.
She noticed the headmaster's chair was empty. Ah, so Dumbledore was off screwing one of the house elves or something. She looked down at her newly- acquired black wand, and smiled...
...for she had a plan...
* * *
Alan sat up.
"So you're telling me that, in bringing me and...the creature...into this realm, Snape opened a portal that will eventually suck in the entire multiverse into the void of eternal nothingness unless we're sent back within one hour to the exact locations we were in before?"
Dumbledore looked piercingly at him.
"Yep."
To be continued...
....if I can be bothered...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FISHIDORA! Ooh, a cool new name for yooooooooouuuu!
Severus Snape strode through the corridor, his black cloak billowing out behind him like an impressive velvet-lined bin bag currently taking the form of a cloak. At first sight he seemed normal; that is, as normal as a greasy-haired wand-wielding dress-wearing huge-nosed dude can get. But if you look closer, you will see an unusual wrath shine in his deep, dark eyes, and his hands tighten convulsively into fists. The only other slight unusual thing is that, beneath his tightly clasped cloak, he is naked as the day Satan made him. He strides like a black, malevolent predator through the school, his territory, and his face darkens as he nears his dungeon.
The door has been wrenched off its hinges by a huge blast, leaving the doors themselves as blackened empty shells in the corridor. Snape's mouth tightened as he surveys one of the side effects of his experiment, and his thunderous brows contorted into an expression of perpetual rage. He strode down the stone steps, cringing slightly as his cloak twitches aside to expose his nakedness, and stormed into the office at the end of the dungeon, slamming the door behind him.
"Oh, damn," he moaned as he surveyed his office. "Oh, no, oh damn, why? Why did this have to happen to me?"
The floor was awash with green grunge, with floating orange bits of scum and half dissolved...Snape peered closer to discover they were sugar puffs. Or lentils, or baby pasta shells, he couldn't decide which. They looked pretty scummy, whatever they were. His brand new solid gold (black-tinted) cauldron had exploded under the force of the detonation, caking the walls and ceiling in soot.
"Why did I even have to try doing this experiment?" Snape groaned, putting his face in his hands and feeling quite surprised when he could only fit in his nose. "Cross-world teleportations are seldom wise. But I had to see...oh, damn my morbid curiosity!"
Now, dear reader, let me take a break while Sevvie breaks down in tears, to tell you what you've missed. Ole' Snapey heard of the Harry Potter Films in the muggle world, and decided, as a result of his towering superiority and aforementioned morbid curiosity, to see if the actor who played him was as debonair and attractive (forgive my snorts of laughter...HAHAHAHAHA!) as himself. So he summoned to his dungeon none other than...DUH DUH DAAAAAH! ...ALAN RICKMAN! But there was something he hadn't bargained for...
...A STOWAWAY!
So basically, Snape had added the last ingredient, poked the sludge with his wand, and the cauldron had exploded, leaving a sludge, scum and lentil/sugarpuff/pasta covered Alan Rickman, and a sludge, scum and lentil/sugarpuff/pasta covered...
...something else...
He had then blacked out, only to wake up in the Gryffindor common room with no sign of either of the escaped teleportees, his wand...or his clothes, for that matter. The rest you know...
And now let's cut back to the slightly-recovered-but-still-gibbering- Severus.
"Okay," decided Snape resolutely, rubbing his hands together. "I'm going to recapture the test subjects, and send them back to where they belong. I'm looking for one Alan Rickman, and one...something else." He deflated slightly. "Maybe I'm just not meant to be tough. Maybe I'm to stupid to work this out. Maybe...they took my clothes because they think I'm badly dressed." He looked down despondently, and realised that the cold air had had a rather unfortunate effect on his...*cough cough*...anatomy. *AHEM!*
Then his head snapped up. "Wait...hang on...how dare they! They had me doubting my toughness! They had me sceptical about my intelligence..." Then he gasped, squealed girlishly, and clapped his hand to his mouth. "They had me doubting my FASHION SENSE!" he screamed, his face set in fury.
"Right!" snarled Snape, snatching up his shotgun, flamethrower, katana, Japanese Fighting Fish, grenade-belt, and butterfly net. "No more Mr Nice Lord of Slimy Things! Those trespassers are gonna PAY!" He grinned an evil grin foretelling dire revenge.
* * *
Elsewhere in the castle...
Alan Rickman looked cautiously around the corner, eyes open and fearful. Was SHE there? No, no, he couldn't see her. Taking a deep breath, he emerged into the corridor at a sprint, and pelted down the corridor. When he reached the door at the end he wrenched it open, rushed inside, and slammed the door behind him.
"Phew," thought Alan, closing his eyes in relief. He was extremely confused. One moment he had been walking along on the way to church, then a small, shrieking, spiky-haired figure had appeared from out of nowhere and attached herself to his leg, then, just as he was struggling to regain hold of his dignity, upright position, and rapidly-falling-down-trousers, a huge whirling vortex of light had appeared and sucked them in. Then, as he had stood there, stunned, the girl on his leg had screamed, "SEVVIE-KINS!," disengaged her hold on him, grabbed a stick held by a tall, hook-nosed, black-wearing bystander, shot the bystander with the stick, then with near- superhuman strength had lifted the unconscious man over her shoulder and hurried off with him! Poor Alan; it really wasn't his day. He felt sorry for the lank-haired, black-robed dude, though. At least he, Alan, was free now.
Opening his eyes, Alan Rickman was surprised to see a class-full of children in dark robes, all eyeing him suspiciously. With a surge of frenzied, panicked energy he leapt up, his brain working frantically to invent some plausible excuse for his existence as they all took out their sticks and pointed them at him.
"Erm..." ...c'mon, Alan...think!... "Erm..." anything! Anything will do! ... "I was just...chasing a grape..." he finished, and legged it before they had chance to figure out what he had said. His legs moving like wheels of randomly flailing limbs, Alan tore off down the corridor and disappeared up a flight of stairs, gibbering insanely, and fearing for his life.
* * *
Elsewhere in the castle...
Snape loaded his shotgun, feeling the cartridges slide smoothly into place. He cradled the gun lovingly against his pallid skin, feeling the cool kiss of the metal against his cheek.
"I wonder why muggles don't just shoot us?" he mused, a whole chain of linked thoughts unravelling before his mind's path. "I mean, while we're just messing around with our wands they could just blow us up! I mean, I doubt we'd even have time to shout "Ava-!" Then he paused, hearing a sound from the other side of the door he was leaning against. With a wicked grin, he shouldered his shotgun, and flung open the door.
A strange sight met his eyes. His three most hated students, Harry, Ron, and Hermione, were squirming naked on the floor, trussed up with duck tape and effectively gagged by large cuddly toy snakes wedged into their mouths. Upon Harry's bare back, the words – 'To Sev- A present from C. Fish' were written in fountain pen (ouch!).
Severus strode over to them and removed Harry's gag. "What happened here, Potter?" he asked, his mouth twitching with the effort not to laugh. "NO! DON'T GET UP!"
Harry remained where he was. "It was this strange girl, sir! We were all in the Gryffindor common room having an or...erm" he stuttered, blushing, "...an or...deal of the homework we were doing. Then she burst in, charmed duck tape onto us with her wand, translocated us to this room, and wrote...very painfully, I might add...on my back with pen! She was laughing maniacally all the time, but when she left, right before she slammed the door, she yelled, "And that's for stunning my precious little Sevvie-kins in book one!"
Snape smiled thinly. So, his quarry was young, and impulsive. Would make it so much easier to force her to do his bidding. He turned to go, but was stopped by a moan from the still gagged Hermione and Ron, and a cry from Harry.
"Sir, aren't you going to free us? And give us our clothes?" added Harry, pleadingly.
Severus paused. He thought of several nasty retorts, including asking why they had been doing homework naked, but finally shrugged.
"No."
* * *
Alan was terrified.
He was panting, now, as he ran, but could not stop. She was on his trail. He glanced behind, fearfully, and saw that demonically eager grin still closing the gap between them.
"Co-ee! Alan-baby!"
He shuddered, and kept running. Up ahead of him he saw a door open, and a bearded, wizened old man look out, beckon, and step back. He glanced back again, and rounded the corner, before zooming in through the doorway.
Albus slammed the door behind him. Together they listened as the sound of Vans smacking on stone briefly increased, then faded into the distance.
"Th-tha-thaaaaaaaaa" wheezed Alan, for, let's face it, he's not as young as he once was.
"You're welcome," replied Dumbledore simply. "Now, I have something very grave I want to talk to you about..."
* * *
She had been delighted to finally meet Alan. (Or his trouser leg.) She had been ecstatic to meet, (and undress), Severus. But to be stalking Alan Rickman around the fantastic realm of Hogwarts while being stalked herself by a very sexily-pissed-off naked Snape...
...she was in her element.
Fish stopped running when she realised she had been running around with apparently no purpose for the last 15 minutes. She looked around with interest, and her gaze finally came to rest upon a large pair of double doors. Walking cautiously up to them, she peered inside. Huge wooden trestle-tables packed with students stretched for the length of the great hall. Fish nodded appreciatively. But it seemed everyone was waiting for something.
She noticed the headmaster's chair was empty. Ah, so Dumbledore was off screwing one of the house elves or something. She looked down at her newly- acquired black wand, and smiled...
...for she had a plan...
* * *
Alan sat up.
"So you're telling me that, in bringing me and...the creature...into this realm, Snape opened a portal that will eventually suck in the entire multiverse into the void of eternal nothingness unless we're sent back within one hour to the exact locations we were in before?"
Dumbledore looked piercingly at him.
"Yep."
To be continued...
....if I can be bothered...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, FISHIDORA! Ooh, a cool new name for yooooooooouuuu!