FINAL CAMEO

Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.

Chapter Two: Is Saffron a Color?

[The scene opens up outside Midgar in a special hangar built for Cid's Highwind. Four syringes are stuck in Cid's stump, but he appears to be in an earthly bliss. Cloud, Barret, Vincent, and Sephiroth are loading equipment onto the Highwind. Tifa and Yuffie are playing each other in rock-paper-scissors. Cait Sith is breakdancing over in a corner to the sound of "Grindin" by Clipse.]

Cloud: Hey, Cid! Get over here and help us!

Cid: Hey, look! It's a bird! Birdie, birdie, birdie...

[Cid chases the bird like a little kid. Cloud groans and continues to lift stuff inside. Sephiroth and Vincent have taken an impromptu break and are playing Stikken 9. Sephiroth is playing as Twig and Vincent is StickBot. Vincent is utterly kicking Sephiroth's ass, ripping Twig's stick limbs off one by one.]

Sephiroth: Stop! Hey, stop that! No fair!

Vincent: Stop crying like a fucking baby. Take it like a man!

Sephiroth: ... don't you mean "Take it like a woman?"

Vincent: Whatever you want to do.

[Cloud drops the box he's carrying angrily and grabs both of them by the scruff of the neck.]

Cloud: Hey, assholes, work!

Vincent: Who are you, all of a sudden? Cid?

Sephiroth: Yeah!

Cloud: Shut up, Sephiroth. You've got no say.

Sephiroth: ... man...

[Red XIII walks by and lays down on the floor. Cloud, unsuspecting, trips over Red XIII.]

Cloud: Hey, watch it!

Red XIII: Hey, fuck you!

Cloud: Isn't anybody ready to go find Aeris?

Sephiroth: If I get to bang her first, I am.

Cloud: Shut up.

[Barret brings in another box and sets it down. With his gun-arm, he wipes sweat off of his forehead.]

Barret: Whew! Those boxes are heavy.

Cloud: ... whew?

Barret: Hey, go jump in a river.

Cloud: Been there, done that.

Barret: [mumbling] Yeah, but you didn't fucking drown...

Yuffie: I smell déjà vu.

[Somehow, Yuffie snuck onboard without them noticing. Cloud arches an eyebrow.]

Cloud: Materia.

Yuffie: What? You think I stole it?

Cloud: Yes.

Yuffie: Well, I didn't.

Cloud: Yes, you did.

Yuffie: Okay, I did. But I hid it somewhere you'll never find it.

[Cloud stares at her for a moment, and instinctively grabs her crotch.]

Yuffie: Hey! I didn't hide it there! I said somewhere you'll never find it!

Cloud: ... it was worth a shot.

[Yuffie slaps Cloud and walks off to her cabin. Cloud shrugs and walks ouside.]

Cloud: Enough dicking around! Everybody inside!

Tifa: Hey, that's Barret's line!

Cloud: Who gives a fuck?

Tifa: ... good point.

[Tifa walks inside. Cait Stih follows, draggins Cid by his belt. Cloud closes the door and presses a button. The Highwind music begins to play. The hangar ceiling opens up and Barret, who's sitting at the controls, brings the plane into the air.

A while later, Vincent is sitting at the Highwind's bar. He grabs a beer and pops it open. As he pours the beer into a glass, some of it spills.]

Vincent: Son of a bitch...

[Bending down to clean it up, he slips and falls on his back. The beer bottle falls off the counter and breaks over his face. Vincent lays there, angry.]

Vincent: Son... of... a... bitch...

[Vincent gets up and leaves the bar, in search of Yuffie. He bumps into her and holds out his hand.]

Vincent: Heal materia.

Yuffie: I don't have your fucking materia.

Vincent: Yes... you do.

Yuffie: No, I don't.

Vincent: Don't make me kill you.

Yuffie: ... shit!

[Yuffie runs and Vincent runs after her. She darts inside a room, but Vincent is quick and enters before she can close the door. Cloud happens to be passing by and rushes to the controls. Cid is not high anymore, and seems pretty angry about it.]

Cloud: Quick, room 6!

Cid: What?

Cloud: The microphone! Room 6!

Cid: You want the camera, too?

Cloud: No. I don't really want to see.

[Cid looks up at Cloud curiously.]

Cid: ... of course you do.

Cloud: ...

Cid: Admit it.

Cait Sith: Admit what?

[Cait Sith walks over to them.]

Cait Sith: What's going on?

Cloud: Yuffie and Vincent are about to get it on.

Cait Sith: So what the fuck are you waiting for? Turn on the camera!

Cid: Cloud the Big Vagina doesn't want to turn on the camera.

Sephiroth: We have a camera?

[Sephiroth turns around now, and so does Barret.]

Cid: Yeah, in all the rooms.

Cait Sith: Hurry up, fucker, turn on the camera! We're missing some of it!

Barret: Who and who?

Cid: Vincent and Yuffie.

Barret: Do you really want to see a vampire and a ninja get it on?

Cait Sith/Sephiroth: Yes.

Barret: Fine with me. Turn it on, Cid.

[Cid turns on the camera. It's dark in the room, but they can still make out what's going on. Red XIII meanders in and sees them all on.]

Red XIII: What's going on?

Cloud: Shhh! Vincent's about to bang Yuffie!

Red XIII: Yeah! Vampire sex! Make room!

[Red XIII bounds in and puts his paws up. They're all totally engrossed in what's going on.]

Sephiroth: Yeah... yeah... yeah...

[Cloud looks at Sephiroth, looks down, and then back at Sephiroth's face. Sephiroth turns red.]

Sephiroth: Sorry. Caught up in the moment.

[While they're all watching, the Highwind crashes through the branches of a tall tree. The Highwind rumbles violently. Cid quickly shuts off the camera, to the discontent of all those watching, to turn back and take control of the ship. Vincent walks out, stark naked and with a hard-on.]

Vincent: What the fuck is going on?

Cait Sith: Fuck is right.

Vincent: ... you didn't...

Cid: It was Cloud's idea.

Cloud: What? I only wanted the microphone! Cait wanted the camera!

Cait Sith: ...

Tifa: You guys are gross. We could crash and you're still talking about them having sex.

Vincent: You weren't watching, were you?

[Tifa blushes and puts away her binoculars.]

Vincent: You guys are all... all... all fuckheads.

Red XIII: Good one.

Cid: Enough dicking around!

All: ...

Cid: What? ... oh... anyway, help me with the controls, you guys!

[Despite all their efforts, Cid can only make a controlled crash landing at the edge of some city. After checking that everyone's okay, they exit the Highwind. Three kids and some weird yellow rat are walking towards them.]

Barret: Hey, you! Kids!

[One of them turns around. He's wearing a red and white baseball cap.]

Ash: What?

Barret: Where the fuck are we?

Ash: We're in Saffron.

Sephiroth: Safron?

Ash: Yeah... we're going to Fuschia City.

Tifa: Hey, kid, why d'you look so glum?

[Nobody notices it before, but Ash looks glum.]

Ash: Nothing...

Brock: It's because he's a sex-starved 11 year old.

Cloud/Barret/Cid: What!?

Brock: It's true. And he wants to bang that redhead.

Cloud/Barret/Misty: What!?

Ash: BROCK! YOU FAGGOT!

[Ash pounces on Brock and starts to beat him up. Misty pulls Ash off of Brock and smiles at him.]

Misty: C'mon, Ash... forget Brock. Let's just have a good time...

[Misty and Ash start making out on the floor. Cloud, Barret, Tifa, and Red XIII cover their eyes. Cid, Vincent, and Yuffie simply act like they can't see them.]

Red XIII: There's something about 11-year olds having sex that disgusts me.

Sephiroth: Yeah... yeah... yeah...

Cloud: SEPHIROTH!

Sephiroth: Sorry!

[Sephiroth puts his "gun" away and they begin to walk towards the city.]

Narrator: Will the Highwind get fixed? Will they ever stop saying "dicking around"? Will Sephiroth stop—

Cartman: Hey, hippie!

Narrator: Get the fuck away from me!

[Gunshot.]

Kyle: Oh my God...

Stan: They killed Cartman!

Kyle: ... well, whatever.