FINAL CAMEO
Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.
Chapter Three: Whatevermon
[The scene opens up in Saffron City. The "gang" is standing dumbfounded as children with bikes and mismatched animals walk around, talking happily. Red XIII seems to be trying to sleep. A policewoman with wild blue hair drives up on a motorcycle.]
Officer Jenny: Can I help you?
Cloud: Yeah, I have a question - doesn't anyone ever drive a fucking car around here?
Officer Jenny: Car...?
Cloud: Yeah. You know, steering wheel, beep! beep! Car.
Officer Jenny: I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about, but if you need assistance, I'd be happy to help you.
Cloud: What... the... fuck...
Tifa: Forget it, Cloud.
Cid: Listen, wench, we need aircraft equipment. Chop chop!
Barret/Cait Sith: Wench?
Cid: ... what? Did I say that?
Vincent: It's the heroin, isn't it?
Cid: Oh, fuck, I forgot that! Let me go get some of that stuff...
[Barret and Vincent restrain Cid.]
Officer Jenny: Is there anything I can help you with?
Tifa: We need some parts for our aircraft.
Officer Jenny: ... I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.
Tifa: Aircraft... fly, with wings... whoosh!
Cloud: Tifa... drop it.
Officer Jenny: ... I'm afraid-
[Cait Sith knocks Officer Jenny out from behind with a frying pan. Yuffie kicks Red XIII awake and the nine of them keep walking. They see a place with a big red-and-white ball on top.]
Yuffie: What the fuck is that place?
Kid: It's a Poke Center.
[Yuffie screams and jumps aside.]
Yuffie: If you ever do that again, I'm going to steal your kidneys.
Kid: You should go there if you need to rest or to revive your pokemon.
Cloud: Poke a what?
Kid: Pokemon.
Cid: Kid, you've got some heroin, don't you? Tell me you've got heroin.
Vincent: Cid might be right about this one. This kid's definetly high.
Kid: Po-ke-mon! Like this! Poliwhirl, go!
[The kid releases a blue-and-white creature from a small red-and-white ball.]
Poliwhirl: Poliwhirl!
Barret: AHHH!
[Barret shoots the Poliwhirl into ribbons. Nobody else on the street seems to notice.]
Kid: Oh no! Poliwhirl!
Poliwhirl: Po... li... whirl... po... li...
[The kid hugs his dying poliwhirl.]
Barret: Don't fucking do that!
Yuffie: I should steal his kidneys.
Vincent: Settle down, Yuffie...
Tifa: So, are we going inside that place?
Barret: Fuck no! And see more of those pokathings?
[They continue to walk until they reach the outskirts of town. Here, they find a large hangar-like place.]
Cid: Alright! Time to scavenge!
Tifa: You mean, time to steal some parts from other planes to put on ours.
Cid: No, stealing's illegal
Cait Sith: He's got a point.
Cloud: Let's go in already.
[They open the hangar and walk inside. Suddenly, it closes. It's very dark inside until...]
Female Voice: To protect the world from devastation...
Male Voice: To unite all peoples within our nation...
[Two spotlights open up and shine on two people in identical and idiotic white and black uniforms. A third shines on a small cat.]
Barret: What the fuck is going on...?
Female Voice: To denounce the evils of truth and love
Male Voice: To extend our reach to the stars above
Female Voice: Jesse!
Male Voice: James!
Jesse: Team Rocket, blast off at the speed of light!
James: Surrender now or prepare to fight!
Cat: Meowth, that's right!
Cloud/Vincent: What... the fuck... was that?
Jesse: Give us all your pokemon and you won't get hurt!
Barret: WHAT THE FUCK IS A POKEMON!?
James: Don't play dumb!
Meowth: Or we'll have to claw it out of ya!
Jesse: ... that wasn't a pun.
Meowth: I know, but what did you want me to say?
Tifa: We're just looking for some fucking parts so we can go fix our fucking plane!
Jesse: Ah, ah, ah! Your pokemon!
Barret: FUCK YOU!
[Barret shoots his machine gun at Meowth.]
Meowth: MEOWTH BLASTS TO PIECES AGAAAAAIIIIiiinnn....
Yuffie: ... again?
[Meowth falls of the ledge, dead.]
Jesse/James: Meowth!
Jesse: Now it's time to pay! GO, ARBOK!
[Jesse releases a snake creature from its ball. Cloud rushes under and cuts it in two.]
Jesse: Arbok!
James: Don't worry, I'll handle this! WEEZING!
[Before he can release it, though, a hole is burned through the wall. Three kids with their own odd creatures stand in the hole, visibly angry.]
Yuffie: What the fuck is going on?
Cait Sith: Shoot the fuckers!
Vincent: You got it!
[Vincent opens fire. Suddenly, the girl pulls out a card.]
Girl: Digimon, Digivolution!
Jesse: [angry] Digimon...
Barret: What the fuck is up with all this "mon" shit?
[A tall, human-like cat creature begins to spin.]
Voice: Renamon, digolve into... Ultracatrothinga-
[Cid has jumped in and stabbed the cat thing in the chest. Blood oozes from the gash and it dies.]
Rika: RENAMON!
Cid: Getting on my fucking nerves...
James: Koffing, smoke out those Digimon!
Barret: What the fuck ever... I'm leaving.
Tifa: Speaking of fuck, where the fuck is Sephiroth?
[They all look around and can't find Sephiroth.]
Cloud: Shit... let's go find him.
[Nobody pays attention to Cid, who's just been knocked unconcious by a gigantic fireball. They all run out and go to the Pokecenter, where is the last place they remember seeing Seph. Rushing inside, they go up to the counter.]
Cloud: Did a man with long, pale hair come through here?
Nurse Joy: No.
Cloud: Are you sure?
Nurse Joy: Maybe...
Cloud: Listen, bitch, if you're sure, tell me.
Nurse Joy: You'll have to frisk me for it.
Cloud: ... alright, then...
[Cloud reaches out to Joy, but Tifa pulls him back.]
Cloud: Boooobieeeesss...
Tifa: Not in your dreams.
Cloud: ...
[The scene retreats into Cloud's dreams. Cloud is about to touch Nurse Joy's boobies, but a large razor comes down and chops his hands off.]
Cloud: AHHHHHH!!!
[The scene goes back outside Cloud's mind.]
Cloud: Damn you!
[Tifa drags Cloud back outside. Two giant forms of the creatures they saw earlier are stomping around town. A dinosaur-like one is holding a flag with "Digi" written on it. Several smaller creatures are swarming around the two gigantic ones, aiming their powers at them. Several hold "Poke" flags. The group doesn't pay them any attention as they go to a large building that looks like a gym. They walk inside and the doors close mystically behind them. They continue on.]
Voice: Ooof!
[Tifa stepped on something. She looks down.]
Tifa: Ewww, Sephiroth...
Sephiroth: I got shrunken by that freakish girl...
Barret: Well, if we unshrunkened you... wait...
Cait Sith: Retard.
Barret: Hey, shut up!
Yuffie: I smell something to steal.
[Yuffie runs and the rest can only follow. The corridor opens up into an arena of some sort. A woman with a child sitting on her lap are at the opposite end. The doors close behind him.]
Vincent: Will that ever stop?
Woman: I am Sabrina, Gym Leader of Saffron City. Are you ready to battle?
Cloud: ... uhh... yeah, sure. Why not?
Sabrina: I choose... Kadabra!
[The child throws a large red-and-white ball and a strange, gold-colored and oddly mustachioed creature pops out.]
Kadabra: Kadabra!
Tifa: Uhh... I choose... Sephiroth.
[Tifa throws the shrunk Sephiroth onto the field.]
Sephiroth: What the fuck...
[Kadabra steps on Sephiroth.]
Sephiroth: Fuck...
Sabrina: Pathetic. Don't you have any more...
Yuffie: Yoink!
[Yuffie pilfers a Marsh Badge from Sabrina.]
Sabrina: Hey, give that back!
[Sabrina gets up and throws the child into a wall.]
Sabrina: Right now! That's mine! You didn't fucking win! Give it-
[A large reptilian hand crashes through the wall and sweeps through, catching Sabrina and tearing through the other wall. Sephiroth grows under Kadabra's foot and the pokemon loses balance, falling onto it's back.]
Barret: Eat lead, bitch!
[Barret kills the pokemon mercilessly.]
Cloud: Let's get the fuck out of here.
[The eight of them walk out of the Gym and into the city.]
Vincent: Oh, god... Where's Cid?
Tifa/Cait Sith: Shit...
[They walk back to the warehouse, where they find Cid in the corner. He's apparently having sex with Jesse. Cloud hears a zipper.]
Cloud: If you do, I'll fucking cut it off.
Sephiroth: Damn.
[Sephiroth zips his pants back up. Vincent walks over and pulls Cid off of Jesse.]
Cid: Hey! Hey! She was just about to-
Vincent: I don't care. We're leaving.
Cid: Not without my pants, we're not!
[Cid scrambles away and grabs his pants.]
Jesse: Ungh... I'll do it myself... call me!
Cid: Roger wilco!
Jesse: On second thought... don't...
[They pull Cid away before he can reply. They keep walking on. One of the gigantic mega things are dead, but the other, reptilian one is fighting on. In the distance, two more gigantic animals are wading through the forest. Suddenly, Tifa stops.]
Tifa: Where's Red?
[They all groan.]
Barret: Crap monkeys!
Vincent/Cloud/Tifa/Yuffie: Crap monkeys?
[Jesse pokes her head out of the warehouse.]
Jesse: Crap monkeys?
[The giant creature stops fighting for a second.]
Giant Reptile Mon: Crap monkeys?
[The shot zooms out to show the whole world.]
Entire World except Barret: Crap monkeys!?
[The shot zooms back in.]
Barret: What is the big fucking deal!?
[Tifa shrugs.]
Cloud: Let's go get that fucking talking cat.
[They walk around the city and enter a casino. It's pretty nice. Half of it is burnt to a crisp, though. At one of the slot machines, they see Red XIII with a bag of coins.]
Red XIII: C'mon, daddy needs a new pair of shoes...
Cloud: Vincent...
Vincent: I'm on it.
[Vincent goes over and pulls Red XIII away from the slots.]
Red XIII: Nooo! My money! My shoes! My new pair of shoes!!!
Vincent: Shut up...
Barret: Enough dicking around! Let's go!
Cloud: Dicking around?
[Everyone stops as Cloud waits for someone else to pick up.]
Cloud: C'mon, Tifa, you now... dicking around?
Tifa: ...
Cid: Shut up, Cloud.
Cloud: Fuck you!
[They walk out, abusing Cloud (not sexually, you perverts! Well... okay, I guess you could give a good argument about what's perverted. But still, not sexually). Then, amidst the war of strange animals and mismatched creatures, they continue walking down the road.]
Narrator: Where will their path take them next? Would they PLEASE stop saying "dicking around"? Goddamn, that's annoying. I mean, couldn't they just, for one chapter, just not-
[Thunk!]
Narrator: ... fuck... there's an arrow... inside my... urrgh.
Cartman: Ctrl+Alt+Del style! RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAH!