FINAL CAMEO
Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.
Chapter Four: Sesame Side Story
[The scene opens up as the group walks towards a neighborhood that's not connected to anything. Cid arches an eyebrow as they near it.]
Cid: What the fuck is that place?
Cloud: No idea.
Cid: It's not connected to anything!
Yuffie: We can see, dumbass.
Cid: Why don't you go get fucked?
Yuffie/Vincent: Hey!
[They walk inside the neighborhood, not seeing anything else to do. It seems extremely cheesy and cartoonish. A purple puppet in a black cloak with large glasses and fangs walks up to them.]
The Count: Hello. Who are you? Blah!
Tifa: ... what?
The Count: Your names? I vant - to know - your names! Blah!
Vincent: What are you?
The Count: I am The Count! Blah!
Barret: He said what are you?
The Count: I am a vampire! Blah!
Cait Sith: Stop saying "Blah!" It's almost as annoying as di-
Tifa/Yuffie: Don't say it!
Vincent: You're pathetic.
The Count: Hey, vy don't you go get fucked? Blah!
Yuffie: Does every single one of these have to have a recurring theme?
Author: Yes.
Yuffie: Damn you.
The Count: Tell me your names now! Blah!
Red XIII: If you say "Blah!" one more time...
The Count: Blah! Blah! Bl-
[Red XIII pounces and slashes the Count's face. The Count grabs his face and back away.]
The Count: You mo-dderfo-cker! I'm going to kill you! Blah!
[A gigantic yellow bird walks onto the scene.]
Big Bird: Now, Count... that's no way to talk.
The Count: The leetle fucker scratched me in my face!
Big Bird: What? Someone needs to be taught a lesson?
Barret: This is insane.
Big Bird: What did you expect it to be? Flowers?
Cloud: You do realize that makes no sense.
Big Bird: Why don't you go-
[Vincent shoots Big Bird in the chest.]
Big Bird: Ahhh!
[Big Bird falls over. The Count runs.]
The Count: Hey, these fuckers killed Big Bird! Blah!
Sephiroth: Thanks, Vincent...
Yuffie/Cait Sith/Cloud: Sephiroth speaks!
Sephiroth: Shut up.
[They continue walking. It doesn't take long until a mass of mismatched people and monsters appear on the scene wielding chains, bats, pipes, and knives.]
Ernie: You killed Big Bird!
Bert: Now you're gonna have to pay!
Cookie Monster: In cookies!
Elmo: Shut your trap, Cookie Monster.
Cookie Monster: Cookies, cookies... yum!
[Elmo beats Cookie Monster over the head with his pipe. Bert points the bat.]
Bert: Attack!
[The Sesame Street characters charge at the Final Fantasy VII guys. The FFVII group turns and runs away. They duck into an alleyway and wait as the horde of puppets rush past.]
Cloud: Huff... puff... Jesus tapdancing Christ...
Barret: How are we gonna get away?
[Suddenly, the sound of snapping fingers comes to their ears. The turn out and a group of puppets, different from the Sesame Street characters, are moving towards them, stepping and snapping as if choreographed.]
Vincent: What the fuck is going on?
Muppets: [singing] Oh we are the Muppets!
Gonzo/Fozzie: [hushed singing] The Muppets!
Muppets: [singing] Oh we are the Mup-pets!
Gonzo/Fozzie: [singing] The - Mup-pets!
Muppets: [singing] We're gonna get 'em... gonna get 'em bad! We are the Muppets!
GonzoFozzie: [hushed singing] The Muppets!
Red XIII: Okay, okay, hold on.
Kermit: ... what?
Red XIII: What the fuck are you guys doing?
Ms. Piggie: Our dance number.
Cait Sith: Dance number?
Kermit: Yeah. You gotta have a dance number if you're going to be a gang.
Sephiroth/Cid/Cloud/Barret: ...
Tifa: ... why?
Gonzo: Don't ask us. It's just how it is.
Vincent: And may I ask why you chose this alleyway to do your dance number in?
Kermit: We've had it booked for weeks!
Barret: You book alleyways?
Gonzo/Fozzie/Kermit: Doesn't everybody?
Yuffie: ... no...
Gonzo: That's because you're fuckers.
Barret: Hey!
Cloud: We should kill you for that!
Tifa: Cloud...
Cloud: I should just cut your fucking heads off! Just waste you and-
Tifa: CLOUD!
Cloud: What?
Tifa: RUN!
[A helicopter-like device has risen up with a small pink Muppet controlling it.]
Animal: Ahargra! Me shoot!
[The helicopter does indeed shoot and the FFVII crew has to dance to avoid the bullets.]
Vincent: Up here!
[Vincent grabs onto a ladder and hauls himself up. The rest scramble up after him. The helicopter continues to follow them, though. Barret attempts to shoot at it.]
Barret: You guys go! I'll stay and hold this thing off!
Cloud: ... okay. See ya!
Barret: Hey! You're supposed to be all noble and say "I can't leave you here alone!"
Cloud: ... so?
Barret: Ahh, fuck!
[Barret runs along with the rest of them as Animal gives chase. They drop down into another alleyway and Animal flies overhead, missing them.]
Cait Sith: I wasn't made to run like this...
[A ninja in white steps out of the darkness.]
Ninja: Hey. Losers. Can you see me now?
Cid: What are you doing here?
Ninja: Got some stuff to sell...
Tifa: Sell?
[Apparently Tifa, and now the rest of the group, can see the ninja.]
Ninja: My name is Steve. Ninja Steve. And I got some...
[The ninja looks left and right.]
Ninja Steve: Drugs...
Cid: DRUGS!?!? You got some heroin?
[Vincent hits Cid over the head.]
Ninja Steve: I got the next best thing! NyQuil!
[Ninja Steve produces a bottle of NyQuil. Cid grabs it.]
Cid: How much?
Ninja Steve: 40 Gil.
Cid: Hm... I don't have any Gil on me. Someone spot me 40.
Yuffie: No way, Cid!
Cait Sith: I'll do it.
Cid: You're a pal, Cait!
Cait Sith: But I get half the bottle.
Cloud: What?
Sephiroth: I want in! I've got 10 Gil!
Tifa: Christ...
Cid: Alright, alright. We'll all get a third of the bottle.
Cait Sith/Sephiroth: Right.
[Sephiroth gives Ninja Steve 10 Gil and Cait Sith gives Ninja Steve 30 Gil. Ninja Steve forks over the bottle.]
Ninja Steve: I've also got something for the ladies...
Yuffie: Oh ya? What's that?
Ninja Steve: Viagra!
[Yuffie gives Vincent a sly smile and Vincent teardrops.]
Yuffie: I'll take two bottles.
Vincent: I do not need help getting up!
Ninja Steve: Alright! That's 110 Gil.
Yuffie: It's a bit high, but where else am I gonna get Viagra...
[Yuffie gives Steve the money and Steve gives her two bottles of Viagra. She stuffs one in Tifa's hands.]
Vincent: Hey! I don't need no stinking Viagra!
Yuffie: You owe me.
Tifa: I know.
[Cloud and Vincent glance at each other and grimace.]
Ninja Steve: I've gotta go now. Got a whole crate of Ritalin to push.
Vincent: Dammit, just because I'm a vampire doesn't mean it doesn't work! Rigamortis, anyone?
[Ninja Steve steps back into the background and vanishes from sight. Vincent turns to Cloud.]
Vincent: You do what this means, right?
Cloud: Lots of hot sex?
Vincent: 12 rounds.
Cloud: I don't think I can last that long...
Narrator: Now the group continues through Sesame Street, trying to get out! Will they succeed? Will-
King Arthur: Have at you, knave! You have disturbed Cart Man, lord of South Park!
[Swordfighting sounds. Then, the sound of metal sliding through flesh.]
Narrator: Why have you fuckers got it out for me?
[Thud.]