FINAL CAMEO
Disclaimer: I own a relatively small amount of characters in this fan-fic, simply because it's a fan-fic. I do own: Chaz, Monkey, Ninja Steve, and Dr. Geo. There's a lot of cursing, because I have an affinity for cursing, and there's reference to a lot of other adult material. Enjoy.
Chapter Five: Orange Devils and Blue Lasers
[The scene opens up to show the FFVII group walking towards a large city.]
Tifa: I wonder where we are now?
Cloud: Don't ask me.
Yuffie: Hmm... I wonder if that's going to be the new theme.
Vincent: Don't ask me.
Tifa: Yup.
[They enter the city, which is laden with all sorts of high tech machinery. On the side of a large business building is a gigantic television screen. A man in a brown shirt with an afro is shown on the screen, giving a peace sign.]
Announcer: Mr. Satan, the most beloved savior of the world, has saved Orange City once again from the MOLE PEOPLE!
Cait Sith: ... mole people?
Announcer: Yes, the terrifying mole people who had been terrorizing our city for ages. Now that Mr. Satan has taken care of them, we can all live in peace.
[A huge cheer comes up from the crowd. Suddenly, an explosion is heard on the other side of town. The FFVII gang looks up and sees a man floating in midair, laughing maniacally.]
Cloud: What the fuck?
Cid: It's time to go... get some heroin!
Tifa: Not if I have anything to say about it!
Cid: Damn... ruining all my fun.
Barret: Alright, Cloud, Cid, Vince, and me'll check that out. The rest of you...
Yuffie: Yeah, the rest of us what?
Barret: I don't know. Go get a drink or something. This is a MAN'S job!
Red XIII: And I'm not a man?
Barret: You're a cat person.
Cait Sith: And me?
Barret: You're a robot.
Sephiroth: And what about me?
Barret: ... don't even get me started.
Sephiroth: Hey, and fuck you too!
Cloud: Just go!
[They split up and the guys (sans Sephiroth) head towards the explosion. When they reach the area, a gigantic crater has been shot into the ground. A man in blue overalls and a green shirt is hovering in the air, his hands crackling with power.]
Android 387: AHAHAHAHA! Fear my power!
Cloud: Shut up!
Android 387: How dare you tell me to shut up! I outta...
[Android 387 flies down towards Cloud, but he's cut off by a man with freakish hair and wearing an orange jumpsuit.]
Android 387: GOKU!?!?
Vincent: It just gets better and better, doesn't it?
Cid: I know.
Vincent: I was being sarcastic, dumbass.
Cid: Gesundheit.
Vincent: ... what?
Cid: Exactly.
Goku: I am more powerful than you can ever be! Super Saiyan, go!
[Goku's hair turns golden as a burst of energy surrounds him.]
Goku: HAA! Time now for the... SAIYAN FLICK OF DOOM!
[Goku flicks Android 387 on the nose and the android comes crashing down into the ground. Just as Goku switches out of Super Saiyan, a large blue beam of energy knocks into him, forcing him into the ground.]
Vegeta: HA! You'll never be stronger than me, Kakarot!
Barret: Hey! If I may interject!?
Vegeta: ... what? Oh, whatever. Just make it quick.
Barret: What's up with you and this Cracka Carrot guy, anyway?
Vegeta: Nothing. I'm the Saiyan Prince, so therefore I must be stronger than him.
Cid: Can I ask a question too?
Vegeta: What is this, fucking question and answer hour?
Cid: Are you gay?
Vegeta: Fuck you!
Cid: I'll take that as a yes.
Vegeta: NO, DAMMIT!
Cloud: Yes, no, dammit?
Vincent: ... wake up, Cloud.
[Cloud snaps to his senses and wipes the drool away from his mouth.]
Cloud: Sorry. Cid's speech is making me retarted.
Vegeta: AGGH! I'll kill you all just for speaking!
[Vegeta fires a massive hail of fireballs at the FFVII guys. There's a large crater where the guys once stood. Suddenly...]
Tifa: BEAT RUSH!!!!
Vegeta: What the f-
[Tifa beats some rush into Vegeta's face. Heh heh. "beats some rush." Get it? Because the Beat Rush and... nevermind.
Anyway, Vegeta falls down as Tifa pummels him. As they near the ground, Goku blasts Tifa off.]
Goku: *pant* *pant* *pant*
Cid: Pants?
Goku: Shut the fuck up.
Cid: Sorry.
Gohan: Hey, dad!
[A kid wearing the same uniform as Goku decends on the area.]
Goku: Son! Get out of here!
Gohan: Why? It's just-urk!
[Cid stabs Gohan in the back.]
Cid: Aha! Score one for the Cid-man!
Goku: NOOO!!! I will make you pay!
[Goku punches Cid once, sending him flying into a toy store. Barret and Vincent both unload on Goku, but he moves too quickly.]
Goku: FUUUUUUCK...
[Goku brings his hands back to charge a beam.]
Goku: YOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUU!!!!!
[Goku fires a beam that lands squarely in Vincent's chest. Vincent is sent into a pile of shit. Tifa comes running from behind.]
Tifa: BEAT RUSH!
[As Tifa goes to land her attack, Goku punches her in the face. Unexpectedly, throwing stars fly out from nowhere, but Goku is quick enough to dodge them.]
Yuffie: Oh say can you see?
Barret: Can we stop with the corny jokes?
Yuffie: Don't ask me.
[During this response time, Goku flies up and kicks Yuffie in the jaw. Suddenly, Cait Sith leaps out and claws at Goku. Goku blocks it and kicks Cait away. Red XIII leaps up and slashes at Goku, who moves back to avoid it.]
Goku: Damn! Nine on one!
Red XIII: Sounds like a plan.
Goku: Damn you and your stupid sex jokes!
[Goku moves forward and punches Red in the face, knocking him into a lemonade stand. The kid working the stand cries and runs away. A man in a brown suit comes out.]
Mr. Satan: Have no fear, Goku!
Goku: Aw, shit...
Mr. Satan: It is I! Mr. Satan! I have come to your-fuck... someone cut me, didn't they?
[The top half of Mr. Satan's body falls off, revealing Sephiroth wielding the masamune. Sephiroth raises the sword high.]
Sephiroth: Time to rot your teeth!
Goku: What's rotting teeth got to do with anything?
Sephiroth: Aha!
Goku: You're dumb.
[Goku and Sephiroth leap at each other. Sephiroth makes a clean cut, landing unhurt. They turn around. Sephiroth runs at Goku and makes a few cuts, but Goku dodges them. Goku leaps up and out of they way and Sephiroth runs head first into a wall. Goku kicks him in the chest. Sephiroth falls down and begins crying.]
Goku: Baby.
[Barret comes in and hits Goku over the head with his gun arm.]
Goku: Aren't you dead?
Barret: Does it FEEL like I'm dead?
Goku: Good point.
[Goku rams his elbow into Barret's stomach and tosses him away. Suddenly, Sephiroth comes back and attacks viciously. He cuts Goku several times. Goku falls to his knees.]
Sephiroth: Feels like a dick up the ass, doesn't it?
Goku: And you would know?
Sephiroth: Damn you.
Goku: Too bad I haven't shown you... my true power!
Sephiroth: Do all you anime heroes have to have some hidden power?
Goku: Yeah. So?
Sephiroth: Just wondering. And what about the--?
Goku: Yeah, I forgot. I meant to say "Don't ask me."
Sephiroth: Good.
Goku: Now for the true powerness. YAAAAAH!
[Goku turns Super Saiyan 2. He flies at Sephiroth and punches. Sephiroth brings his sword up to block, but Goku's fist shatters the masamune.]
Sephiroth: ... oh, fuck...
[Goku punches Sephiroth up into the air , then flies up and drills him into a building wall.
He comes back down and just as he's about to power down, a voice comes out from nowhere.]
Cloud: Hold it right there.
[Cloud flips down off of a building and points the buster sword at Goku.]
Cloud: You can't hurt my frie... er... my associa... well... you can't hurt THEM.
Tifa: Thanks for the vote of confidence, Cloud.
Cloud: Welcome.
Goku: Enough talk! Did you come here to fight or not?
Cloud: No. I came here to kick your ass!
[Everyone pauses for a second.]
Cloud: So... I guess that means... yes. Dammit...
Goku: Alright then, bleach-boy!
Cait Sith: That's a new one.
[Goku rushes at Cloud and punches, but Cloud leaps out of the way. He spins around and gives Goku a bad cut on the arm. Goku comes back again, but Cloud blocks with the sword and moves away. Goku flies at Cloud and kicks, but Cloud ducks and leaps into the air, slashing Goku's front. Goku flies towards the ground and crashes through a rock.]
Goku: Damn... surfer-boy's taking me out... Gotta do something... the fate of the world rests in my hands!
Cloud: Well the fate of your world rests in my sword, bitch!
Yuffie: Ugh...
Barret: Stop talking, Cloud! You're numbing my brain!
Cloud: Sorry!
[Goku takes this opportunity to tackle Cloud. He sends Cloud through a wall. A collective gasp from the FFVII crew seems to spell Cloud's fate. Suddenly, a red line of flame shoots out of the hole in the wall and catches Goku square in the stomach. The Saiyan rockets away, hitting a telephone pole.]
Goku: Fuck! My back!
Cloud: Ahh... shit...
[Cloud steps out and hefts his sword once again. As he runs to Goku, Goku flies up into the air, out of Cloud's reach.]
Goku: It's time to perform my ultimate attack.
[Goku brings his hands back to charge up a ki blast.]
Goku: SUUUUUUPERRRR UNNNBLOOOOOCKAAABLE...
Cloud: Shit, shit, shit, where's an Ultima materia when you need it?
Goku: ULLLLTRAAAAAA CHEEEAAAAP...
Cloud: Ah! Found it!
[Cloud works feverishly to set it on his sword.]
Goku: TOOTAAALLLY GENERRRIIIIIIC...
[Cloud sets the materia on the buster sword and points it at Goku. He clicks it, but nothing happens. He clicks again. Still nothing.]
Cloud: Shit... how does this thing work?
Goku: KEEEEEEEPS GOOOIIIIING UNTIIIIIILL CLOOOUUUD IIIIS REEAADYYY...
Cloud: Alright! Got it!
[Cloud clicks it and the buster sword shudders with power.]
Goku: KI BLAAAAAST!
[Goku shoots his blue ki beam as Cloud unleashes the white Ultima attack. The beams lock in midair in a heated energy contest.]
Goku: HA! Time to die, ammonia-head!
Cloud: Shut up!
Goku: Make me!
Cloud: Faggot!
Goku: WHAAAAT!?!?
[The battle continues. The ground underneath Cloud's feet cracks and gives way. All at once, Cloud slips and falls. His beam shuts off and Goku's continues. Suddenly, as it seems Goku has won, his beam shoots back at him. When the laser dissapates, all that is left is a charred husk which promptly falls to the ground. Cloud gets up and dusts himself off, looking around.]
Cloud: Hm. Glad they decided to have a "Mirrors for Hobos" day today...
Vincent: No fucking way...
[Cloud picks up the mutilated former mirror and hurls it like a frisbee at Goku's body.]
Barret: I never thought I'd have to rely on Cloud to save my ass...
Sephiroth: Me either.
Barret: Shut up, Sephiroth, nobody asked you!
[Sephiroth grumbles as the rest get up and dust themselves off.]
Tifa: Nice job, Cloud. Now if we can just find out if this place has any airplane parts...
[The group walks off into the city.]
Narrator: What's going to happen next episode? Will someone come calling for revenge against Cloud? Will they find parts for their-
[Chainsaw sounds.]
Narrator: AHHH!
[Fast, running footsteps and chainsaw sounds.]
Narrator: No! Fuck, no, he's gonna get me!
[Chainsaw cutting through flesh.]
Narrator: NOOOOOOOO!!! Damn... you... all.... I guess this is what I get for living in Texas.
[Thud.]