Title: It's my life

Author: Lilya

E-mail: lilya_thedreamer@hotmail.com

Genres: Angst/Drama

Main character: Mary Camden

Rating: G   

Disclaimer: I don't know who owns Mary Camden & her family. Certainly it's not me. The two poems ("Aner Clute" and "Fiddler Jones") come belong Edgar Lee Masters and his "Spoon River Anthology."

It's my life

"Over and over they used to ask me,

While buying the wine or the beer,

In Peoria first, and later in Chicago,

Denver, Frisco, New York, wherever I lived,

How I happened to lead the life,

And what was the start of it.

Well, I told them a silk dress,

And a promise of marriage from a rich man –

(It was Lucius Atherton).

But it was not really it at all.

Suppose a boy steals an apple

From the tray at the grocery store,

And they al begin to call him a thief,

The editor, minister, judge and all the people –

A thief , a thief , a thief , wherever he goes.

And he can't get work, and he can't get bread.

Without stealing it, why, the boy will steal.

It's the way the people regard the theft of the apple

That makes the boy what he is."

As I lay here in my bed, watching the ceiling above and thinking about my past, this poem popped up into my mind.

Funny. 

I can't even remember where I read it. Even if I didn't ended up like Miss Clute here, it fits my previous life in Glen Oak.

Bad, stupid, good-for-nothing, useless Mary.

Trouble-maker Mary.

I made a lot of mistakes, some very serious, I admit it. But do you want to know why?

Probably not, you prefer to find your own partial explanation. To stick a label is easier, isn't it?

But I'll tell you nonetheless. The truth is that I was torn in two, between you and me.

Between my mind – filled with all the things you taught me, with your warnings and expectations – and my heart – hungry for love, thirsty for life.      

I tried to follow the first, and I only caused troubles.

I tried to follow both of them and I discovered that it was impossible.

I had to choose. And I chose my heart. I chose myself.

Was I selfish? Probably I was. But way whatever you want to: I know I made the right choice.

I didn't lead an easy life, but it was intense. Many of the things I've done I'd do them again.

Say whatever you want to, judge me who will: I don't give a damn.

"I ended up with forty acres

I ended up with a broken fiddle –

And a broken laugh, and a thousand memories,

And not a single regret."