Chapter 4: The Ice Melts
Sorry this took so long to post! I couldn't find my floppy to use to get this from my laptop to my computer with internet, so I am very sorry!
Oh, and I must say that ROTK was AWESOME! ^-^ Legolas and Aragorn almost kissed! BUT TTT was better, I think. Just some of the way they portrayed ROTK didn't sit well (like the SEARCHLIGHT EYE!!!! And many other things)
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Haldir, upon returning to his private room, kicked at the nearest table and sent it and the two books resting on it flying. He nursed his hurt toe, the pain just fueling his anger and hatred, not only for Estel, but also for himself. He stormed around the room in a fury, toppling objects, righting them if he wanted, and then getting so mad at the attempts to straighten the room that it all went back down again.
Finally, worn out, Haldir fell to the ground, pounding his own knees in anger.
"I never meant for this to happen; I never meant for this to happen!" he whispered to himself as he watched, through his mind, Legolas waving to him sweetly though once Haldir turned his back he darted away. They had made it back from the forest together, talking gaily, but once to the palace, they went their own ways. Legolas' relief was quite evident.
The golden prince was pulling the wool over everyone's eyes.
Haldir saw it from the moment Legolas' registered that Estel followed them. There was a little bit of a twitch at the corner of Legolas' eye before he whispered those heart-stopping words in Haldir's ear. Haldir, knowing it was what he so longed for, did not argue too much the fact.
"Next time I see him," Haldir muttered, clenching and unclenching his fist. "I do not deserve this! After so long being his friend, he could at least treat me better!"
"No, I do deserve this," he realized. He was the one who tried to stick his neck out too far and get at Legolas. He was the one to attempt to win over the prince's heart, even though the prince wanted no such thing.
"Still, even that was just little," he comforted himself. He did not try very hard. It was Legolas who readily accepted his advances that night at the ball. He would have left the elf alone without delay, but no, the elf continued. Legolas brought this on himself.
"He is a fickle and cold prince," Haldir decided. "I must talk with him later, once he has some time to calm down." He nodded his head determinedly.
Still, the problem of Estel remained. Legolas obviously hated the human enough to use Haldir to get him away. Legolas might have been cold, but he was not heartless; not even, he would do that. Estel did something to Legolas that lead him down that dark road.
That Haldir could take care of quite easily.
***
For every step that Legolas took away from Haldir, a little more anger seeped into his heart. He had just fooled his long time companion and friend into thinking that there were feelings between them. He had just walked away from him without even looking back, even though he knew it was heartless and cruel. He had just watched Haldir's face drop as he caught the signs of Legolas' little façade disappearing.
And every step fueled the furnace that threatened to burn Legolas from the inside out. He hated himself for doing it. From that one time that whispered three words into Haldir's ear, he wanted to fall down and die. Bile rose in his stomach, and he could not control the sickness as Haldir put his arms around him. Those arms were so warm, so full of life and love. Haldir put his arms around an iceberg, though he did not realize it. Legolas could never love him; he could never love any. His smiles were fake twitches of his mouth, meant to keep the nobility happy and pleased. Whatever Haldir saw was a ploy.
Still, grim satisfaction did spread through Legolas as he recalled Estel pained face, those grey eyes glistening as he saw Legolas smirk at him, proudly walking away. It should keep the human away, taking away one complication in his life now. He might have a long road ahead of getting Haldir off his back, but after that, Estel should be no problem. It was only a matter of time until the house of Elrond departed from Mirkwood as it was; hopefully they would never meet eyes again.
Even as Legolas considered the thought, a vision came unbidden to him of Estel's face, his smile, every part of him giving off radiance. He was an angle, grinning at Legolas in his offhand way. Legolas lost himself in that face, his heart exploding with grief as he pleaded for that smile to continue, but it faded, replace by the face riddles by pain and dejection. Every part of Legolas screamed for it to leave, for someone to get the human away from him where he would be safe from it. Estel was filth, evil, vile, a human that did not deserve any of Legolas' pity. Yet, he did pity him. As Legolas looked deeper into that face, he felt his heart going out to the human.
"No, he deserves no pity!" Legolas muttered to himself as he walked through the passages of the palace towards his room. Estel was overconfident and too foolish to see that Legolas was near to the point of wishing him dead.
Wasn't he? Did he really whisper death threats to himself at Estel, or did he only envision these fibs too? Was this just another lie, for once turned towards himself? Legolas doubted that he would lie to himself. He only lied to those that deserved it, not those that were innocent.
Why then did he dare to fool Estel, if he only lied to the guilty? What had Estel ever done to offend him, to make him as guilty as Haldir or the many other people that Legolas misled?
Legolas paused beside an open window, letting the cool night air wash over him. His still wet garments made him shiver in the cold, but he could not draw his eyes away from the starlit scene. He looked up to the sky, and those stars evoked the memory of Estel's shining eyes...
"No, they don't!" Legolas almost shouted. He turned away in shame and stormed down the corridor. He was ashamed and confused right now, dreading his choices with Haldir. All of these mirages were just little flickers through his mind, not indicators of deeper feelings. Tomorrow, it would all be gone. He would not feel any pity or companionship towards the human when the sun rose. Now, his brain was strained. He had the night to rest and ponder these matters more; it would calm down.
Rounding the corner, Legolas found himself face to face with Arwen, who stopped dead. Her eyes widened and she held back a scream. Legolas pushed past her in no mood to talk to him now.
"Legolas," she called after him. Legolas whirled to face her, livid. "Where is Estel?"
"Would it matter to me where he is?" he retorted, making to leave for the sanctuary of his room. Arwen ran to him, grabbing his arm desperately and spinning him around.
"Please, Legolas, I just want to know where Estel is. He ran off on me this morning—" She choked back a sob, "—and all I wanted to know was where he ran off to! He had never done that to me before." She hung her head, and Legolas sneered at her.
"Oh, he hasn't, has he?" he jeered. "Well, you are quite unobservant then." She gasped and stepped back from this strange version of Legolas. He appeared to flame in front of her, his eyes glowing with malice. "Tell me, Arwen, do you think that Estel loves you?" She sank to the floor then, burying her head in her hands.
"Oh, Legolas, you don't understand!" she cried. Legolas towered over her as she wept into her hands. "I've always wanted Estel. He's so...wonderful! But you don't care! You are so cold," she whispered to Legolas. "You are always so cold and have never cared. You could pass me when I was upon my deathbed and you would only give a passing glance. Why don't you see how Estel always avoids me? Don't you think that doesn't hurt me when I see him not listen? I just want him to stay a little longer." She looked up, biting her lower lip, and Legolas seemed torn between two emotions, an inner war raging. His face was contorted, but slowly, he stopped.
"You say I am cold." He laughed dryly. "You don't know half of it," he spat at her. "Cease your weeping over matters your petty mind does not comprehend. Estel despises you, fears you, and wishes never to encounter you ever again. You hang upon him, and for that, he hates you." His eyes softened, but Arwen had a feeling that was not for her. "Arwen, let me say that I would rather be cold than selfish."
"But you are selfish!" she screamed at him. "All that matters is you, your own personal gain. No one else ever mattered to you, ever! I am not selfish and you know that. Can't you see I hurt inside?"
"Silly, silly girl, don't you see though? It does not make a difference how much you hurt. No, not now. I would never let you close enough to..." His words locked in his throat, and Legolas froze. He clasped his hand across his paling face before bolting from Arwen. Horrorstricken, she fell back into a fit of sobs as he ran the last bit of corridor to his own room.
Legolas fumbled with the handle in his blindness. Finally, he flung open his door, only to slam it shut in a little flick as he dove for his bed, his whole body shaking. He pounded the mattress as hard as he could, let fly as many curses as he knew in every tongue he spoke. He spoke untruths, even then. Why would he care if Arwen bothered Estel until the undoing of the earth? Estel should have that happen, to know what Legolas felt, correct?
"That is how I feel," Legolas whispered, "and he deserves it." But those words sounded hollow even to him, and no matter how much force he put behind them, they faded before embedding deep inside him. Every syllable reeked of falsehoods.
"Just like everything else I do," Legolas muttered as he rolled over to look at the ceiling. The starlight danced across the surface, casting haunting shadows across the surface. They blurred to one mass, a little droplet of water leaking down his face as he stared up towards the roof. He wiped it away harshly, but the tear made its mark. That little droplet of water held in it every emotion Legolas felt. He poured out his life into it, and slowly, it crept away from him, out in the open to fall down his cheek. He could not hold back this storm, and when his life poured from him, Legolas saw anew the world about him. The stars came in sharp focus even in the dim room around him, along with his mattress, the rumpled sheets around him, the beautiful walls, and every marking upon every piece of furniture. All of held new clarity, as if Legolas had never before noticed it in his life. He sat up, his eyes suddenly turning to the forest, and longing arose in his heart, though he tried to push it away. It was that little stir he felt three days ago, as one strand of brown hair caught the fading sun and bounced into Legolas' dumbstruck eyes. It was the one reason that he ran from Estel. Just so, he did not have to face that feeling just yet, just so he would not believe it true.
But, behind all of the ice, Legolas knew it was true, and now that his heart spoke, there was no turning back.
***
Two Days Later
***
Haldir cursed and stormed down the hall. For two days, Legolas had locked himself away, for two days he did not even shift as an answer to Haldir's knocking. The golden prince hid from the world.
Still, this time, Haldir would get an answer out of him. He was not sure what provoked this reclusive behavior, but he suspected it had something to do with Estel, that human. If it did, Haldir would finally have justified reason to slowly torment that man's mind.
He reached Legolas ornately carved door and knocked. There was no sound again, so Haldir reached for the knob. A bolt of stupidity hit him as he realized that it was unlocked. He chided himself and entered.
"Legolas?" Haldir asked. Legolas was not in the first chamber. His bed looked like it had been occupied, but that was over. Haldir crept to the next room, the traditional sitting room. There, by the window, was Legolas, his head on the glass, his eyes closed. Haldir rushed to him for it seemed that Legolas sat with the stillness of death.
"Legolas?" he cried, putting his hand on Legolas' shoulder, but Legolas turned slowly to him, giving him a sad smile.
"Haldir, I suppose you have come to check upon your friend," he whispered, "your companion, your lover."
"I am not blind, Legolas," Haldir retorted. Legolas held up his hands.
"I meant no harm." Haldir shook his head and put an arm around Legolas.
"My friend, why have you hid for so long?" he questioned, looking into Legolas' eyes. "Why did you cower in your room, away from your friends and allies?" Legolas gave Haldir a warning stare, and he regretted his last words.
"Think upon it yourself, just for a moment," he replied. "My mind was troubled, and I needed time alone from the hindrances of the outside world."
"What has he done to you?" Haldir whispered. Legolas rose from where he sat and walked a few paces away.
"Estel, you mean?" he asked. "Haldir, what have I done would be a better question for this time." His voice faltered. "Two days left me enough time to consider many things."
"It was not your fault," Haldir muttered to not only Legolas but himself. "Estel brought these turn of events around. The human always has been the root of trouble."
"What did the human do? I find others more at fault than he." Legolas turned on Haldir sharply, fuming, but his anger subsided as he recognized that in fact he was maddened. His eyes grew cold. "But I know already, so what is there to fear?" he breathed to himself. Then, as if he had not noticed Haldir before, he looked up.
"Legolas, you are lost and confused. Know that I am here for you, if you ever need it, and I can assist you..." Legolas glared at him now.
"I do not need your comforts or your assistance, Haldir my friend." Haldir, always knowing that Legolas hated him for some of his actions, was quite startled at this blatant statement of hate.
"Legolas," he stammered, gaining control of himself. "My intentions are not that of evil..."
"Learn something new every day," Legolas mocked, and even for Haldir, this was enough to throw him over the edge.
"Listen to yourself!" he shouted, taking Legolas by the shoulders and shaking him. "You spent two days alone and look at what you've become. Whatever you thought it would achieve it has not, unless of course you wanted it to make this maniac of an elf that you are now! Legolas, you are not yourself now. You have not been yourself lately. Look at what you did, only three days..." He could not bring himself to say it without shaking with anger again. "Estel's fault yet again," he whispered. "Always Estel, always the human." Legolas shook himself free and took a step back.
"My mind is clearer now than it will ever be, I surmise, yet you have not the mind to see it," Legolas said in a tremulous voice before turning abruptly and bolting from the room to leave a stunned and angered Haldir behind.
***
Two painful days passed like snails for Estel as he drug himself around the palace, barely able to show some semblance to normality. He crept from corridor to corridor, checking each turn to make sure the coast was clear. There were three people he could not meet in the whole palace, three who he had to avoid at all costs in fear of losing himself to his emotions behind those very walls.
Luckily, for him, it was not hard to avoid one of them. Legolas, in fact, had not shown his face for either of those two days at all. This caused much speculation, for the prince usually was up to some mischief with the servant, namely Athakia. She had not seen or heard any trace of Legolas, she told Estel when he questioned her.
Well, of course for Estel this proved a blessing. He realized that he did not have the slightest inkling of what exactly to say to the elf when they confronted each other next. He had watched Legolas walk away hand in hand with Haldir, seen that little smirk. "Hello, Legolas, I just wished for you to know that I love you still, but I am sorry I offended you, and I know that you are bluffing your love of Haldir just to get me away?" Estel found that pathetic phrase popping in to his head every time he began to formulate a way to speak to Legolas. After much consideration, he canned every attempt and instead went to hoping that Elrond would not postpone the visit longer than need be. It did little, but if there were some way Estel could get away, he would do it. Legolas would also like that.
Estel knew he wanted the cold elf to know love, to have a little happiness. Legolas had a free heart, beaten down by royalty, only to be replaced by his cold and cynical nature. But the looming confrontation always made it seemed too much of a task, so he quietly crept about the corridors, hoping that if they ever met, it was by Legolas' devices and not his.
Sadly, Estel found it much harder to avoid Arwen than Legolas. She had an uncanny ability to be everywhere that Estel was going to, able to walk down the hall at the wrong time, her eyes clouded by sadness. That, of course, was never a good sign, for in her mind Estel was her shoulder to cry on. After a few hours of exploring the hidden niches of the palace though, Estel found it a little easier. He could not confront her almost as much as Legolas. Around her, there was the chance he would lose his temper, let out the many pent up words he had for her. The last thing he wanted was a sobbing elvin maiden on his hands.
Now, sitting in the shade of a tree in the garden, Estel was finally at peace. Today had been rough, for just as he dove for an open door, Arwen caught sight of him. That led to a long chase through the grounds until Estel lost her in the forest. He waited there an hour before coming back to the garden where he could rest peacefully, if only for a little while.
Or so he thought, for just as he made to close his eyes under the swaying boughs of the tree, he heard light footsteps. Estel opened one eye and saw Haldir wandering into the garden, obviously lost in thought. Just what I need, Estel grumbled to himself. Now, the third person he wished he could never see again was coming towards him. He rose slowly in hopes not to catch the elf's eye as he took a few steps away. Haldir luckily was very deep in his own mind to notice, and before he had time to turn his head, Estel sprinted from the courtyard and into the safety of the palace.
He held his breath, looking tentatively from out of one of the windows. Haldir had noticed his retreat, but he made no move to go after Estel. Instead, he sat down on a bench, his body shaking with anger. Estel guessed it was because of Legolas, that something had gone direly wrong. He smiled wickedly to himself. Well, that was no problem. Haldir deserved neither love nor companionship from Legolas. He knew that the prince hated Haldir, turned away all of his advances with a trembling hand. In the garden, when Haldir embraced him that first time Estel saw, Legolas looked up with pleading eyes. Haldir released him immediately, bringing rise to the conclusion that he was startled by Legolas' fear of him.
Estel let out a little breath and turned to walk down the corridor, but as he turned, he came face to face with another elf.
***
Legolas jumped back a step when he felt Estel bump in to him. The human also took a step back, cursing. Suddenly, he looked at Legolas and his eyes grew wide with fear. Legolas froze.
"Uh," Estel muttered stupidly. Legolas did not take a step back though. Estel felt his limbs paralyzed, but fire ran through him. He stood only inches away from Legolas and the elf make no move to escape him. Maybe he was overoptimistic, but Estel felt this to be a good sign. Not only had Legolas finally shown his face after two days, but also he did not hate every bone in Estel's body for accidentally bumping into him.
But he could not try anything, not just yet. He could not appear to force anything upon Legolas, not when he already had Haldir trying that trick.
Still, as Estel gazed into Legolas' eyes, he felt a hand on his arm. He looked down and saw the pale fingers of the elf wrapping around him. Estel gulped, wondering if this was some way of Legolas inflicting bodily pain and telling Estel to leave him alone forever. It couldn't be...
Legolas looked up at Estel with an odd look on his face, and Estel stumbled back a little more. Legolas released him and quickly turned away, walking away as swiftly as he had come. Estel looked at his arm where Legolas' hand had been, felt the tingling of his flesh there, and he gasped. His heart pounded in his chest.
Now, more than ever, he needed answers. Legolas was up to something, and Estel would not settle to let it happen without his knowledge.
***
Legolas was in a state of shock himself. He had planned to say something, speak his mind to Estel, but all he could do was hold the man's arm and hope Estel uttered the first words. After two days of pondering the inner workings of his mind, Legolas had a lot to say to Estel, much of which he was not sure of himself, and he needed to say it now, but when his throat closed, he could barely breathe, let alone speak words he barely believed himself. Doubt coursed through his veins on whether or not he new this was his true heart. He spent two whole days musing over this little twitch at the corner of his soul, but he did not know if he understood every surface well enough to put his feelings into words.
Of course, all he had to do was look up into Estel's grey eyes, and every feeling rushed back to him. He needed no words, only those eyes, only his strong form, only his presence. But Estel did not know. How could a few actions from a traditionally confused and un-understandable elf get across all that he needed to speak now? If only he could somehow whisper to Estel that he was everything then maybe, the human would understand, see a little clearer.
"Odd words," Legolas whispered, "coming from someone who only now thinks he knows himself." He chuckled and turned around to look down the empty hallway. He turned to his right and found himself on one of the many outside walkways, snaking around the edge of the palace. The walls to the forest side were open with just a railing around them. Legolas paused to let the afternoon breeze wash over his face, let the sunlight tickle his skin.
The sun of men. He turned back the way he came. Still, he did not hear or see any sign of Estel, and he guessed the human had not followed. He let a long sigh and turned back, propping his elbows up on the rail and closing his eyes wistfully. The wind toyed with his long hair, and he imagined it to be fingers, strong fingers, the fingers of a swordsman...
"Legolas," a familiar voice behind him called. Legolas slowly opened his eyes and turned to face Estel. He was a little flushed and breathless, as Legolas had guessed, but suddenly, he wondered if he had been too open himself, if Estel had changed in that time that they had not conversed. Estel took a step forward, his hand out, his eyes wide. Legolas gulped down his own fears.
"I," Legolas began, but Estel shushed him by suddenly embracing him. Legolas let out a little gasp at the ferocity with which the man held him, but slowly, he wrapped his own arm's around Estel, resting his head on the human's shoulder. Estel stroked Legolas' hair gently and let out a little breath that tickled his ear.
Legolas looked up into Estel's face, and he realized as he saw those glimmering eyes that he did not need words. He had all the time he needed in front of him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
*cheers* I was wondering if I would actually be able to bring myself to do it, write something like that, where they actually might afterwards be *gasp* happy. Dun dun dun.... I always considered it impossible, but I think I did! Maybe...Heheheheh....
No, they need something happy. I'm so evil to them! ^_^