Mommy Dearest
Disclaimer: Fox owns the O.C., so...yeah
Summary: Ryan is torn between his worlds...first chapter: Chino and Newport. Second: Theresa and Marissa. Third? Seth and Trey. Fourth may be Kirsten and Dawn. And if there is a fifth, it will be Sandy and Ryan's dad (what is his name, anyway?) May be somewhat OOC, deal with it!!
A/N: Thanks for all the positive reviews!! I've been having a ton of inspiration today, so here's chapter 4. Returning to the game thing next chapter (sorry that last chapter and this one aren't relating to a game, it just came out like that) and OOC means Out of Character!
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you say Mom? Oh, I could tell you about a certain blond haired powerhouse by the name of Kirsten Cohen.
Don't tell Kirsten though, I'm still kind of embarrassed to let her know how much I love her.
The second thing? Dawn Atwood, cigarette in hand and bloodshot eyes. Yep, she's Mom too.
I've gotta give her some credit, for raising me alone. Well, unless you want to count Trey and her black book of boyfriends (which believe me, you don't), she was the only one to guide me for the first 16 years of my life. If you can call it guidance.
Okay, okay. So maybe I'm biased, now that I've got Kirsten. But she didn't always like me. I'm not going to lie and say that we don't get along, because we do, now.
Kirsten, no matter what she tells you, did not like me when Sandy brought me home. She was wary and suspicious, and I've got to admit, I don't blame her. Here, her husband had brought home a kid known for stealing and picking fights. That's definitely the kind of kid someone would want in their house.
She may have been a pretty pathetic mother, but at least Dawn told me she loved me. No, I'm not comparing her to Kirsten, I'm just stating the facts. I took it as somewhat true, even though she was stoned or drunk most of the time. Minor detail. After beating me or yelling at me, she would always apologize. Okay, so she was probably drunk then too, but in my 10 year old mind I thought she was being sincere. I had to believe she was sincere, otherwise what hope would there be in my life?
So I said I wasn't going to compare. But there's this one little part of me that feels neglected. It's small, believe me. I...I just get upset when Kirsten gives me one of those motherly looks but doesn't say what she's got to be feeling. And she's got to want to say she loves me. I just know it. You know, that little thing called a gut instinct? Like the whole Oliver thing. That, I went about that in the wrong way. Why am I telling you this? You know it. But this "love" issue, I don't want to screw it up.
Maybe I shouldn't be saying this. After all, I'm not known for talking all that much. I leave that up to Seth. You might even ask how I could point fingers when I've got them pointing back at me. Like I said, I want to go about this in the right way. Because I think Kirsten's a little scared of me, to tell you the truth.
But I think I've grown on her. She gives me those little motherly looks that Seth absolutely despises. I like them. I mean, they remind me that she cares. And that means a lot. And Seth makes fun of her cooking. I'm not going to lie and say that she's the next Emeril, because she's not. But Dawn never cooked for me, let alone brought food for me to eat. On the rare occasions that she did bring food, I was forced to cook it myself or eat quickly before anyone else could take it away from me.
And the way mom walked out on me. Sorry, I should clarify. But who is my mom? I've never called Kirsten "mom", even though God knows I want to. And she wants me too, also. But that's the thing. She doesn't pressure me. When I'm ready, that's when I'll call her Mom. Just give me time, okay?
Dawn, I call her mom. Or Dawn. But mainly Dawn was for when she was drunk or unconscious. Which was basically all of the time. Don't give me that "parental respect" lecture, the only reason I called her Dawn was so she'd listen. Mom doesn't work too well when you're hallucinating.
But names don't always mean everything. Dawn is my mom. But Kirsten is the one I'd go to for help. For advice. For love. And isn't that what a mom is for? So who is my mom?
Dawn, she didn't stick up for me. When boyfriend # (insert number here) was beating me, where was she? Drinking, smoking, or dealing. Great excuse. Sorry, honey, I was out stealing liquor and cigarettes from the local convenience store.
And the worst part? I never knew when she was coming home. Wait...let's modify that. I never knew IF she was coming home. All this before I was ten. And you wonder why I turned out the way I did.
Kirsten, I know she'll be home. She and Sandy have their fights, but at least she doesn't throw things and go drink herself silly. And she always calls if she's working late. Just for her sake, she tells me. So that she'll feel better that I know where she is. What a tangled web we're twisting. We both know that I feel secure when she tells me where she is. So I know where to reach her, if I need her.
Do you know what that feels like? Of course you do. You probably have two loving parents who would never leave you. And you feel stifled. Hell, I feel stifled by Kirsten and Sandy sometimes. But it feels good. I'd rather have them on my case than have them not care at all. Call me crazy. I call me insecure.
Kirsten's breaking down that wall. I can feel it. This might sound stupid...okay, it's definitely going to sound weird. But when I first came here, it was like I was the yolk and she was trying to get in the egg. But there was a shell around me. When she told me she wanted me around, it was like the shell had been peeled off.
Then there's the white part of the egg. Okay, so that's the barrier I put up with most people. That's gone, too. All that's left is the thin membrane protecting me. And something inside me wants to rip it off and let Kirsten in. Like I never could with my birth mother, Dawn.
Even if Dawn could've gotten through, she would've found me, overcooked and hard, partly due to substance abuse and partly due to my neglected emotional needs. When Kirsten breaks in, I'll be just right; not too runny or overdone.
And then? Maybe I can call Kirsten mom. We'll see. I'll come around. It's not enough that I know. She needs to know.
If you could tap into my thoughts, Kirsten...you'd know. I love you, Mom.
A/N: One more chapter left... Did you like this chapter? Tell me if you hated it or thought it went well.
Disclaimer: Fox owns the O.C., so...yeah
Summary: Ryan is torn between his worlds...first chapter: Chino and Newport. Second: Theresa and Marissa. Third? Seth and Trey. Fourth may be Kirsten and Dawn. And if there is a fifth, it will be Sandy and Ryan's dad (what is his name, anyway?) May be somewhat OOC, deal with it!!
A/N: Thanks for all the positive reviews!! I've been having a ton of inspiration today, so here's chapter 4. Returning to the game thing next chapter (sorry that last chapter and this one aren't relating to a game, it just came out like that) and OOC means Out of Character!
What's the first thing that comes to mind when you say Mom? Oh, I could tell you about a certain blond haired powerhouse by the name of Kirsten Cohen.
Don't tell Kirsten though, I'm still kind of embarrassed to let her know how much I love her.
The second thing? Dawn Atwood, cigarette in hand and bloodshot eyes. Yep, she's Mom too.
I've gotta give her some credit, for raising me alone. Well, unless you want to count Trey and her black book of boyfriends (which believe me, you don't), she was the only one to guide me for the first 16 years of my life. If you can call it guidance.
Okay, okay. So maybe I'm biased, now that I've got Kirsten. But she didn't always like me. I'm not going to lie and say that we don't get along, because we do, now.
Kirsten, no matter what she tells you, did not like me when Sandy brought me home. She was wary and suspicious, and I've got to admit, I don't blame her. Here, her husband had brought home a kid known for stealing and picking fights. That's definitely the kind of kid someone would want in their house.
She may have been a pretty pathetic mother, but at least Dawn told me she loved me. No, I'm not comparing her to Kirsten, I'm just stating the facts. I took it as somewhat true, even though she was stoned or drunk most of the time. Minor detail. After beating me or yelling at me, she would always apologize. Okay, so she was probably drunk then too, but in my 10 year old mind I thought she was being sincere. I had to believe she was sincere, otherwise what hope would there be in my life?
So I said I wasn't going to compare. But there's this one little part of me that feels neglected. It's small, believe me. I...I just get upset when Kirsten gives me one of those motherly looks but doesn't say what she's got to be feeling. And she's got to want to say she loves me. I just know it. You know, that little thing called a gut instinct? Like the whole Oliver thing. That, I went about that in the wrong way. Why am I telling you this? You know it. But this "love" issue, I don't want to screw it up.
Maybe I shouldn't be saying this. After all, I'm not known for talking all that much. I leave that up to Seth. You might even ask how I could point fingers when I've got them pointing back at me. Like I said, I want to go about this in the right way. Because I think Kirsten's a little scared of me, to tell you the truth.
But I think I've grown on her. She gives me those little motherly looks that Seth absolutely despises. I like them. I mean, they remind me that she cares. And that means a lot. And Seth makes fun of her cooking. I'm not going to lie and say that she's the next Emeril, because she's not. But Dawn never cooked for me, let alone brought food for me to eat. On the rare occasions that she did bring food, I was forced to cook it myself or eat quickly before anyone else could take it away from me.
And the way mom walked out on me. Sorry, I should clarify. But who is my mom? I've never called Kirsten "mom", even though God knows I want to. And she wants me too, also. But that's the thing. She doesn't pressure me. When I'm ready, that's when I'll call her Mom. Just give me time, okay?
Dawn, I call her mom. Or Dawn. But mainly Dawn was for when she was drunk or unconscious. Which was basically all of the time. Don't give me that "parental respect" lecture, the only reason I called her Dawn was so she'd listen. Mom doesn't work too well when you're hallucinating.
But names don't always mean everything. Dawn is my mom. But Kirsten is the one I'd go to for help. For advice. For love. And isn't that what a mom is for? So who is my mom?
Dawn, she didn't stick up for me. When boyfriend # (insert number here) was beating me, where was she? Drinking, smoking, or dealing. Great excuse. Sorry, honey, I was out stealing liquor and cigarettes from the local convenience store.
And the worst part? I never knew when she was coming home. Wait...let's modify that. I never knew IF she was coming home. All this before I was ten. And you wonder why I turned out the way I did.
Kirsten, I know she'll be home. She and Sandy have their fights, but at least she doesn't throw things and go drink herself silly. And she always calls if she's working late. Just for her sake, she tells me. So that she'll feel better that I know where she is. What a tangled web we're twisting. We both know that I feel secure when she tells me where she is. So I know where to reach her, if I need her.
Do you know what that feels like? Of course you do. You probably have two loving parents who would never leave you. And you feel stifled. Hell, I feel stifled by Kirsten and Sandy sometimes. But it feels good. I'd rather have them on my case than have them not care at all. Call me crazy. I call me insecure.
Kirsten's breaking down that wall. I can feel it. This might sound stupid...okay, it's definitely going to sound weird. But when I first came here, it was like I was the yolk and she was trying to get in the egg. But there was a shell around me. When she told me she wanted me around, it was like the shell had been peeled off.
Then there's the white part of the egg. Okay, so that's the barrier I put up with most people. That's gone, too. All that's left is the thin membrane protecting me. And something inside me wants to rip it off and let Kirsten in. Like I never could with my birth mother, Dawn.
Even if Dawn could've gotten through, she would've found me, overcooked and hard, partly due to substance abuse and partly due to my neglected emotional needs. When Kirsten breaks in, I'll be just right; not too runny or overdone.
And then? Maybe I can call Kirsten mom. We'll see. I'll come around. It's not enough that I know. She needs to know.
If you could tap into my thoughts, Kirsten...you'd know. I love you, Mom.
A/N: One more chapter left... Did you like this chapter? Tell me if you hated it or thought it went well.