Broken Promises
Chapter Twenty three
December 21
The car slowed and finally parked by the curb, but Frank didn't immediately exit the vehicle. He simply stared with some trepidation and worry at the house before him. Would his presence be welcomed or scorned? He couldn't even pull into the driveway, as if doing so would have been too much of an intrusion. The truth was that he had no idea how the next few minutes or hours would go. So much had happened. And more importantly, perhaps too much time had passed.
Steeling his nerves, he finally opened the car door, and set what was to come in motion. Slowly he walked up the drive and approached the front door. Even if he'd had a key, he didn't think he would've been able to use it. The home was still in his name, but he most definitely didn't feel like he belonged. It had been a little over seven months since he had last stepped foot inside…..seven months since he'd walked out. The truth be told, he didn't know if he had any right to even feel as if he belonged here. Pausing a fraction of a second more, he finally reached out and knocked on the door. Stepping back, he waited to see what would happen.
Several seconds passed as Frank's anxiousness grew. Finally, he heard the deadbolt being twisted and then the door opened.
Laura's calm appearance belied the jumble of emotions and racing pulse that she tried desperately to mask. Instead of shock or excitement, her face was one of control and discipline. "Frank," she stated simply as if it was every day that she saw her long absent husband.
Laura's reaction, or should we say, lack of it, mystified and more than troubled him. He had expected a great many things when this particular moment played out in his head. An eerie calm had never been something that he'd ever considered. "Hello, Laura," he returned, trying to maintain the same tight control.
The two faced each other for what seemed like minutes, but in reality was only a matter of seconds. The awkwardness was as real as the biting winter wind that blew through the open doorway. Neither knew exactly what to say or even where to begin.
"May I…..come in?" Frank finally asked, more than a hint of hesitancy in his voice as he continued to eye Laura cautiously.
A chill passed through her as if she had just noticed the freezing temperature. With a slight smile, she stepped back and watched him pass through the entrance as he proceeded into the living room.
Once inside, Frank turned to look at his wife once more. Her face still held a look of restraint and calmness that worried Frank greatly. At this moment, he was fairly sure that he would have preferred a tirade to the eerie quiet.
Laura crossed to one of the couches and sat down. She did so for two reasons. The first being that the two standing together in the room with nothing to say, unnerved her, and the second, she felt as if her legs were about to give out at any second. As she desperately tried to contain the chaos of feelings and emotions inside, something inside her refused to let Frank know how much his presence affected her.
Following her lead, he sat at the opposite end of the same couch, as the silence continued.
Clearing his throat, Frank finally spoke. "You….you look good," he told her quietly.
Again she graced him with a slight smile. "So do you," she answered. She meant it too. Compared to the last time she had seen him, he had changed drastically. In Chicago, he had appeared to be physically exhausted, as if he'd pushed himself to his very limits. The man that sat before her now was healthy and well-rested. Only his eyes betrayed his anxiousness and unease. "How have you been?" she added, her voice cracking slightly as she asked.
Pausing before he spoke, Frank pondered what exactly to say at this point. Part of him wanted to rush through the explanation before she had a chance to throw him out, or at the very least, have second thoughts about allowing him entrance here. The other part wanted to take his time, making sure that he explained everything thoroughly. Somehow sensing that hurrying through it might be a mistake, he simply replied, "I've been all right."
Laura looked down at her hands clasped in front of her, and tried to calm herself. A thousand questions ran through her mind at one time. Squeezing her eyes shut, she desperately tried to get an emotional handle on everything that she was feeling. Willing away the uncertainty and pain, she suddenly looked up at the clock over the mantelpiece.
"I….I have to pick up the kids within the hour," she announced to him, as she scrambled to keep her composure. "Today's the last day of school before the Christmas break and they're getting out early."
"I know," he answered softly. "I asked my mother to pick them up this afternoon. I was hoping that we would have some time to talk before they got here."
Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him, and a flicker of light emanated from her eyes. "You spoke to your mother?" She saw him carefully nod his head. "When was this?" she inquired, a definite edge to her voice.
"Just a couple of hours ago," he explained quickly. Sensing her anger, he quickly added, "I asked her to pick up the kids and then I told her that I was coming here to see you."
"I see," she answered quietly as she rose from the sofa and paced to the other side of the room before turning back to him. "I guess that explains why she didn't tell me that she'd heard from you." Her words may have sounded calm, but her eyes still blazed.
Not yet ready to delve into the matter hanging over their heads, she quickly changed the subject and asked, "Are you hungry? I was just about to fix myself something when you arrived." Without waiting for a reply, she turned and headed toward the kitchen. Frank watched her sudden departure and wasn't sure how to feel about her casualness. The two had not seen each other in almost seven months and yet she spoke to him as if he'd left only yesterday. Sighing, he rose from the couch and followed her.
Once he set foot in the kitchen, she asked, "Are sandwiches all right? I can fix you something else if you'd prefer."
"No….no….a sandwich is fine," he answered as he became more and more worried about the course of things.
Opening one of the cabinets above the counter, she began to retrieve the plates and glasses that she would need. "Could you get the things out of the refrigerator? There's ham and cheese and I think there may still be some roast beef left from dinner the other night," she informed him.
Without replying, he opened the door and gathered the food. As he did so, she caught sight of his actions out of the corner of her eye, and for some reason his movements bothered her. The simple act of opening the refrigerator unnerved her. Maybe it was the suggestion of normalcy….maybe it was the fact that she hadn't seen him perform such behavior in so long. Whatever the reason, she had to turn her head away in order to block out the scene. Mentally shaking herself, she turned toward the table and set out the things that they would need.
The two ate in relative silence, only occasionally glancing up at the other as they continued with their meal. As the minutes ticked by, Frank began to lose his appetite. Setting aside what was left of his sandwich, he pushed the plate away. The longer the anxiety continued, the more his stomach was tying itself into knots.
Laura looked up from her own plate and saw the wariness marking his features. Following suit, she also ended her meal and looked at him expectantly. Taking a long cleansing breath, she finally spoke, somehow knowing that he was waiting for her to begin.
"There's so much I have to tell you," she explained in a quiet voice, willing herself to face the inevitable.
Nodding his head almost imperceptibly, he pivoted in his seat and took something out of the pocket of his jacket that he'd hung on the back of the kitchen chair. As he straightened in his seat, she could see that he held a few sheets of folded note paper.
She didn't need to see what was actually on the paper. She knew. A little over a month ago, she had written down everything that she, Jake and Alex had been able to dig up about what happened to Frank during those few weeks he was in Florida, and later, Colombia. It hadn't been easy, and what they'd found out hadn't been much. Extracting information from the CIA was damned near impossible. And in the end, the only thing that had finally gained them a certain measure of access to certain files was the Company's respect for Frank and what he had done for them, then and in the past. Laura was also fairly sure that a modicum of guilt had loosened a few tongues as well, since the operation in Colombia had not gone at all as planned. Whatever the reason, she was grateful for what she had learned. The only problem after that was figuring out how to get the information to her husband. After writing everything down, she'd left the letter for him at the only place that she could think of, the one place that possibly still tied him to her and the children. She'd sealed the note and left it at Michael's grave.
"I…..I…..wasn't sure that you'd found that," she explained to him quietly, her eyes unable to leave the paper in his hand. "I returned a week or so later and it was gone. I wasn't positive that a groundskeeper hadn't picked it up and thrown it away, thinking it was simply trash."
Frank unfolded the sheets and looked over the words that she'd written, just as he had a thousand times since first opening the envelope that he'd found at Michael's gravesite. The fingertips of his right hand lightly skimmed the page. The letter had meant more to him than he could ever possibly explain to her. First and foremost, it meant that he was still in her thoughts, a blessing that he'd prayed for every day. And second, the information contained there had done wonders in helping him purge his conscience. Even the little that she and the others had been able to find out had been nothing short of miraculous. Although he would never be able to forgive himself for a great many things, knowing that he had not been the one to end Nina's life had made all the difference in the world. According to CIA records, Nina was killed by Steven Varner, the man who had been brought in to help in Frank's training. Apparently after she had been "used" the night of Frank's transformation, she had become frightened and had attempted to flee. Varner had caught her, shooting her in the back as she tried to run away. Even now, no one knew exactly where Varner was. At least no one was talking.
Also contained in the letter were references made to some notes that Marsh had left about the mission and the people involved. Although only a few paragraphs long, it gave enough of an indication of who the players were and what they're specific duties were. Frank, of course, was meant to get as close as possible to Jimenez and garner any and all relevant information about his operation. Lucia was the go-between. She was meant to keep in contact with Marsh and to ply any information she could from Frank while he was still undercover. On one point, Marsh was very clear. She was not to sleep with Frank at any point in their mission. She was only to make him believe that they had indeed been 'intimate' in order to maintain her cover as his lover. How she accomplished that was up to her, but the message was still clear - don't compromise the man's other commitments, namely his marriage.
Even as Frank once again skimmed the contents of the page, he still couldn't help but feel guilty over what had happened while he was undercover. He may not have physically taken Lucia, but he had wanted to. And then there was the woman he had spent time with at Juan's estate. Although it may not have been cheating in the purest sense, he still knew that he had betrayed Laura, and for that alone, he questioned whether he could ever actually forgive himself. He'd thought through the position he was in very carefully. Should he tell Laura everything that had happened during the mission? On one hand, he knew that, on some level, she would understand and not hold him responsible for his actions. On the other hand, she was his wife, and he knew that the information would hurt her deeply. He'd had months to think over the pros and cons and decided in the end that telling her everything would only help to alleviate his own conscience while hurting her even more in the process.
Laura watched Frank cautiously as he looked over the letter once more. For a few seconds, he seemed to be lost in another world. The emotions that played across his face had been subtle. Anyone else might not have caught the changes, but she did. She had only been able to guess at what the information in the letter would do for him. Now, as she sat across the table from him, she knew that she had done the right thing in getting it to him as soon as possible. One thing bothered her though.
"How long have you been back in Virginia?" she asked softly as she intently watched him.
Frank's eyes raised from the paper in his hands and looked deeply into Laura's eyes. He'd hoped to avoid this topic for at least awhile longer. Talking a calming breath, he hesitantly forged ahead. "Awhile," he answered cryptically.
Rising from her chair, Laura slowly walked away from Frank. With her back to him, staring at the wall above the sink, she asked once more, "How long?" Gripping the edge of the counter, she waited for his response.
No longer able to avoid the inevitable, he bowed his head and answered, "A little over 3 months."
Laura would have been hard pressed to explain the feelings welling up inside of her at that moment. The first thing she felt was definitely disbelief, followed closely by anger and then hurt. As she steadied herself against the counter, her knuckles turning white from the strength of her grip on its edge, she couldn't bring herself to look at him. "Tell me…..in those three months……did it ever occur to you to let me know that you were alright?" she inquired, the tight control of her voice breaking slightly as she strained to remain calm. Turning then, she faced him. She wanted not only an answer, she wanted to see his eyes when he gave her that answer.
Frank had known that seeing her again after so long wasn't going to be easy. He thought that he'd prepared himself for any eventuality. The time spent meant nothing as he saw the hurt and anger in Laura's eyes. At first he was at a loss for words, as he knew that nothing he would say at this moment would help. As the seconds ticked by, he noticed her eyes fill with tears, and in return, he felt his heart break once more. He knew what he had to say was unavoidable. He would hurt her once more.
"No……" he told her quietly, adding, "I had other things to think about."
"Forget about the other months, Frank, where you were God only knows where. In the three months that you were in the same state with us, never once did you think about your wife and children! Is that what you're telling me?" she asked him, the hurt and pain seeping into the words she hurled at him.
"I didn't say that I didn't think about you. I thought of you every damn day," he answered back, his voice as raw as his emotions. "That's why I came back here. You're the reason that I'm here. You're the reason that I came back."
Shaking her head almost violently, Laura tried to will away the feelings threatening to overcome her. "I don't understand. You thought of us, but you didn't think it was important to let us know what was happening with you?" She turned then and began pacing back and forth through the kitchen, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. "I had no idea where you were, Frank. Do you get that?? I didn't know if you were alive….dead…..hurt….back in Colombia or someplace else! THAT'S what I've lived with for the past 7 months! So don't sit there and expect me to understand that even though you thought of us every day, not once did you think it was important enough to let us at least know that you were alright!" she yelled, her voice breaking, as she tried desperately to hold back the sob that she just barely managed to keep at bay.
She was right. He knew that. In her shoes, he would have felt just as abandoned…..just as betrayed. He searched his soul for the words that would help to alleviate that, and found nothing. Sighing in frustration, he told her the only thing that came to mind. "Laura," he started as calmly as he could, "I wish that I could tell you what you want to hear. The truth is that for the last 3 months I've been going through therapy, trying to conquer the demons inside of me…..trying to put the pieces of my life back together."
At first she didn't hear his words. Instead she continued to pace like a caged tiger, holding on to the hurt that his earlier words had inflicted. But slowly what he had said began to sink in. Finally, she slowed and turned toward him once more. The pain was still there, but she'd registered what he'd said just the same. "You were in therapy?" she asked as she absently brushed away the single tear that escaped her eyes.
Frank simply nodded his head, unable to speak at the moment.
She continued to stare at him as she chewed on her bottom lip, contemplating the importance of his words. "And where was this?" she asked at last.
Again, without thinking of the implications, he answered, "At headquarters."
Laura inhaled sharply and turned from him once more. Almost imperceptibly she shook her head as she resumed the death grip she'd had on the edge of the counter. She began to speak then, at first to herself and then with more force as the realization continued to sink in. "All of this time…….all of the visits. They meant nothing, didn't they? How many times did I ask for information? How many people did I ask for help? And all this time……all this time, they knew where you were." She turned then to stare at him, a blaze of anger and resentment in her eyes. "God damn it, Frank! Did everyone think this was some sort of game? Did they think it would be amusing to see me begging for information?" She saw him open his mouth, but she held up her hands and shook her head furiously. "Don't! I can't take this anymore! I…..I just can't." With that, she turned quickly and marched out of the room. Seconds later, he could hear their bedroom door slam shut.
Frank watched helplessly as his wife exited the room. He was paralyzed….riveted to the spot. He should have known how she would react to what he had to tell her. It all made perfect sense now. How did he think she obtained the information that she had passed on to him? It could have only come from CIA headquarters, and if that were the case, they should have told her where he was. Why they kept that from her, he could only guess.
There was something else though, something that chilled him to the bone. As he'd witnessed her torture and agony, he'd noticed one other thing. While she paced, she had clutched the necklace that she always wore. A nervous habit that she'd had ever since he'd known her. Only when she'd turned toward him for the last time did he notice something that he hadn't earlier. There was nothing on the chain. And more than that, she was no longer wearing her own wedding ring. Ever since his first mission away from her all of those years ago, she'd always worn his wedding band on that chain, keeping it safe for him until his return. Now there was no ring, and her own was absent as well. While the implications of what that all meant began to sink in, the winter sun began to head for the horizon, and with it went Frank's hopes that things might work out in the end.
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Laura awoke some time later. In the dim light of the bedroom, she couldn't tell what time it was. Pulling herself up off the bed, she rubbed her tired, swollen eyes and tried to remember the events of the last few hours. As the remnants of sleep continued to seep away, she recalled all too well where she was and why she was there.
After leaving Frank in the kitchen, she'd locked herself in the bedroom and had an old-fashioned breakdown. Walking toward the farthest corner of the room, she put her back to the wall and proceed to collapse in the corner as her emotions overtook her. She didn't care if Frank heard her. In fact, she didn't care if the whole world heard her anguish. All of the feelings that she had so carefully kept inside of her came pouring out as she allowed herself to wallow in the pain, anguish and betrayal. Not since the day Frank had abandoned her in Chicago had she allowed herself such an emotional release. And as the sobs wracked her body, she relived all of it, the separation, the pain, and the loneliness. At some point, she'd crawled over to the bed and had somehow levered her weary body up onto the mattress. Some time later, she'd finally succumbed to her emotional exhaustion.
After turning on the bedside lamp, she could at last see the clock. Almost five hours had passed since she'd sequestered herself. Combing her fingers through her tousled hair, she rose from the bed and approached the door. She paused once there, her hand on the knob. What if he'd left? A chill passed through her as she pondered the question. In some way, she wouldn't have blamed him if he had. She'd hardly been welcoming. And as the hours had drug on, she could tell by his reactions that he was puzzled by her behavior. Part of her had very much wanted to throw herself into his arms and never let go. But the part that felt hurt by his abandonment wouldn't allow it. Somewhere deep down inside, she wanted him to hurt as much as he had hurt her.
She'd fully expected for the two of them to hash out everything and finally give in to the love that she knew they both still held for each other. What she hadn't been prepared for was the unexpected - he'd been in Virginia….the CIA had known about it, and no one had even bothered to tell her.
As she rolled the words around in her head, she tried desperately to keep the rising anger under control. The truth be told, she was too tired to deal with any of it. Right now, the only thing that concerned her was whether her husband still waited somewhere outside this door. Talking a deep calming breath, she finally opened the door and ventured out.
At first the stillness of the house unnerved her. As she took each step, the anxiety grew exponentially. When she finally reached the living room, a pent up breath escaped her as the dread of what might have been, slipped away. He was lying on one of the couches, a pillow or two supporting his head, a forearm thrown across his eyes. As she stood in the archway between the hall and the living room, she watched him for a second or two, unsure if he'd heard her approach or not. After a second or two more, he must have finally sensed her presence. Lowering his arm, he turned toward her and straightened in his seat. The look she saw in his eyes was almost her undoing. Regret……pain……pleading. It took everything she had to make herself stay where she was.
"Are you alright?" he asked quietly, almost as if her were afraid to disturb the stillness of the evening.
Laura stared at him a heartbeat longer, before nodding her head. She wanted to go to him. She wanted him to hold her, to tell her that everything was going to be alright, but she couldn't. So much still needed to be said. And until the time came for that, she couldn't allow it.
"Frank……I know that we have so much more to talk about, but……" she stopped, searching for the right words.
"But not tonight?" he finished for her. A small smile graced her lips as she nodded in reply.
"I'm sorry. I'm….…I'm just too tired right now."
Frank nodded sadly, as he looked down at his hands clasped in front of him. He did understand. As much as he wanted to get all of it over with, he knew that it wasn't going to be that easy. That, at least, he had been right about. What needed to be done was going to take time.
As she eyed him, she felt another surge of anger bubble up from within her. Suddenly feeling the need to lash out, she asked, "So…..shall I say goodbye to you now? After all, the last two times we were together, you snuck away as soon as I went to sleep." The words were delivered with surgical accuracy and a sarcastic tone, and judging by the look on his shocked face, she'd hit the mark dead on.
He knew she was still hurting, and for that alone, he bit his tongue. At least for a moment. As he looked at her, her arms crossed defensively, a look of defiance on her face, he just couldn't let it go.
"OK, I guess I deserve that. You're hurt. I get that, even if you think I don't. And maybe I have no right at all to say this, but please…..drop the sarcasm. Having both of us angry isn't going to solve anything."
She opened her mouth to respond, but the biting reply she wanted to throw back at him, died away. He was right. She wanted to hurt him, plain and simple. Lashing out was a reflex, one honed by years of being together. She took a trembling breath, and nodded her agreement.
Again, fighting to work past an awkward moment, she quickly changed the subject. "Where would you like to sleep tonight? That is, I'm assuming that you'll want to stay here."
"If it's not too much trouble, I could just sleep out here."
"Are you sure? You could take Christopher's bed, since the kids are obviously staying at your mother's tonight."
"No…..the couch is fine."
Laura nodded and then moved down the hall to the linen closet. She returned a minute later with a pillow and blanket for him.
Laura graced him with a brief smile after placing the items next to him. As she walked away, Frank said quietly, "Laura…….I'm so sorry."
She froze for a moment, unable to look at him. The anguish she heard in his voice almost brought her to her knees. She knew that he meant it, and that's what tore at her soul. She turned back to look at him, and answered, barely above a whisper, "I know." Tears rimmed her eyes as she looked at him for a second longer. Then she turned and headed toward the bedroom once more.
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Several hours later, Laura still couldn't fall asleep. Maybe the hours that she'd slept earlier were the cause. She turned over and attempted once more to get comfortable. After several more minutes, she sighed in aggravation, and sat up. It was no use. She couldn't sleep. No matter what she had tried, she kept replaying the events of the last 12 hours over and over in her head. What should she have said? How should she have handled it? Should she have let him tell her everything right then and there? The bottom line……the what ifs and the what should have beens were driving her crazy. And on top of that, a nagging thought kept creeping into her brain.
What if he'd left once again?
She tried to rationalize it away, but it was no use. She'd tried to convince herself that if he had wanted to leave, he'd had more than ample opportunity that afternoon. But instead, he had stayed. Stayed and waited to face her once again. But still the doubt gnawed away at her. Finally, knowing that she shouldn't, but unable to stop herself, she threw the covers off and approached the closed bedroom door. She just had to know.
Opening the door as quietly as possible, she crept down the hall and peered into the living room. Even in the dark, she could clearly see his sleeping form sprawled on the couch. For a second or two, she contemplated waking him. What still was between them was breaking her heart, and she desperately wanted it over and done with. Closing her eyes, she leaned her head against the door frame and sighed almost inaudibly. What she wouldn't give to have her life back, the life that she'd had before the CIA had come calling once more. Bitterness filled her heart as she contemplated what they had stolen from her, something she desperately prayed that she could get back someday. As she opened her eyes once more, she suddenly felt a chill race up her spine. What if it was too late? What if too much had happened? With that agonizing thought, she turned and headed back down the hall.
Frank waited until he heard the bedroom door close once more before opening his eyes. Laura wasn't the only one who couldn't sleep. For hours he'd floated in and out of consciousness, the events of the day plaguing him as well. He'd thought that he'd been prepared. He'd been wrong. He wondered for a second why she'd come to the living room. It didn't take long for him to figure it out though. She'd wanted to make sure that he was still there. In the dark of the night, he sighed sadly, and attempted once more to fall asleep.
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The next morning was almost as awkward as the night before. They ate breakfast together, but few words passed between them. After more than a few minutes of silence, however, Frank could tell that Laura had something on her mind, something that worried her.
"What is it?" he finally asked.
"What?" she asked, startled by the question.
"You've got something on your mind. I can see it. Tell me what it is."
Laura looked at him a moment or two longer before looking down at the table top once more, her hands splayed out on its surface. She did indeed have something on her mind. How to bring up the subject was what bothered her. Breathing in deeply, she sought to begin. "I don't know how to say this. After last night……" She shook her head sadly. "I don't want it to be like that again."
Frank's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to figure out what she was getting at. "What do you mean? You don't want what to be like that again?"
Refusing to look up at him, she forged ahead. "I don't want to say this to hurt you," she tried to explain. "I just can't take any chances." Looking up finally, she saw the confusion in his eyes. She was beating around the bush, and she knew that. Closing her eyes for a moment, she finally continued. "I want you to do me a favor. If……if you plan on leaving again, I want you to go now."
"What?" he asked, unnerved, confused, and troubled. Was she asking him to leave? A cold feeling in the pit of his stomach began to seep throughout his body.
Taking another calming breath, she continued on. "I'm going to pick up the kids this morning," she explained. "If you have any plans at all about leaving in the future, I wish you'd do it now……before they get home," she told him, her voice trembling.
Now he understood. She was trying to protect the children from more heartache. It killed him to think that she would even consider that he would be so cruel. But then…….he'd hardly given her reason to think otherwise. He saw even now, how she fought to keep herself from crying. What words could he possibly offer her that she would believe? What could he say that would put her mind at ease.
"Laura…….I know you have no reason at all to believe this, but I swear to you, there is only one way that I'll ever leave again."
Her eyes narrowed as she looked at him. "What way is that?" she asked cautiously.
"The only way I'll leave is if you ask me to go," he told her truthfully.
Laura stared deeply into his eyes and tried to read what she saw there. He seemed to be telling her the truth. Barely above a whisper, she told him, "You have no idea how much I want to believe that." As she spoke, the tears she could no longer hide rolled gently down her cheeks.
Unconsciously, Frank reached for her hands which were still on the table in front of her. He needed to touch her. Since the moment he walked back into the house, she'd physically kept her distance from him and it was killing him. Even in the simple gesture of holding her hand, he wanted to comfort her…..to reassure her. For a moment she allowed the contact, but then briskly pulled her hands back as though the feel of his hands clasping hers had caused her pain. A confused look passed over her face for a moment, and then was gone. Quickly she regained her composure and stood.
"I'll get ready to go get the children," she announced to him as though the previous conversation had never happened. Suddenly she turned and headed toward the bedroom, and a second or two later, Frank could hear the rustling of her car keys.
Sighing in frustration, Frank could have sworn for a split second that he was finally breaking through the barrier that separated them. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe he'd pushed too hard. He had no more time to think it through as she appeared in the doorway once more. With one more look, she headed toward the front door.
Frank followed her, and watched silently as she retrieved her coat from the closet and shrugged into it. Once done, she stopped in front of the door, her hand on the knob.
"I want you to understand something, Frank," she began, her head bowed, her back still to him. "If you break their hearts again…….I swear…….I'll never forgive you." With that, she turned back to him, her eyes once more brimming with tears. "Do you understand me? Never…..I'll never forgive you."
A thousand thoughts flooded through his head at that moment. Things like how much he had hurt her……how this once caring, affectionate woman was now guarded and suspicious……how would the kids react once they saw him again…….would their reaction be the same? But mostly, he thought about how this was the ultimate crossroads in their lives together. If he betrayed them all again, he would lose everything. Unable to think of anything else to say in the few seconds they had before she left, he simply told her, "I understand."
She paused a few heartbeats longer, memorizing everything about him in the few moments that she had. Committing what she saw to memory. She'd just given him an ultimatum, and with that came the chance that she might never see him again. Then, without another word, she opened the door and left, left before she gave in to the compulsion of throwing herself into his arms and begging him to stay.
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An hour and a half later, Laura pulled up to their house, barely aware of the drive home. For the time that it took them to make their way here, her mind had been elsewhere, her thoughts and feelings a jumbled mess. But mostly, she was anxious. Would he still be there when they returned? And most importantly, could she trust that he wouldn't hurt them again?
The children chattered about this and that the whole way, oblivious to their mother's scattered attention. Little did they know what awaited them once they arrived. That is, if Frank had decided to stay.
Pulling on to their side street, Laura could instantly see that the car he had arrived in was still parked across from their house. He was still there. She wasn't sure how to feel about that. Scared? Happy? Maybe a little of both. After a moment or two more, she had to admit to herself that she was more elated than apprehensive.
Once parked, the children quickly scrambled out of their seats and headed toward the door. Once inside, Laura made quick work of their coats and hats, while the two continued to tell her about their stay at grandma's. Seeing movement in the doorway opposite, Laura looked up and saw Frank standing there anxiously. She gave him a brief smile, before she addressed the children.
"I have a surprise for you," she told them.
With Christmas just days away, the two were bubbling over with excitement, trying to guess what their surprise might be. Without another word, she simply smiled and pointed. Both turned at the same time, and froze.
Time seemed to stand still for a moment or two as the shock settled in. It was Alicia who first got over her amazement, and hurled herself at Frank as fast as her feet could carry her. Launching herself into his arms, she threw her small arms around his neck and held on for dear life, her head buried in the crook of his neck and shoulder.
Frank held onto his daughter with all of his might. His little girl……his precious little angel. For a brief second he remembered the drawing that she had given him to keep, the one that had been the catalyst in helping him to remember who he really was. A brief wave of sorrow crossed his face when he remembered that he had left the prized drawing in what remained of Juan's mansion. The moment was fleeting, and all he could do was hold her more closely to him.
Christopher still remained where he was, at his mother's side. Although she couldn't see the look on his face, Laura knew that there was a battle waging within her son. She could almost sense how much he wanted to follow his sister's lead, but something held him back. After a second or two, he looked up at her, and she could see the unspoken question in his eyes. Caressing his cheek in reassurance, Laura gave him a smile and said, "It's OK." The two words seemed to release him, as he looked away and walked toward his father.
By this time, Frank was now kneeling on the floor, Alicia still snuggly held within his embrace. But his eyes followed his son's progress across the floor. Christopher halted a step or two away, his eyes locked on his father's face. However, as Frank extended his hand toward his son, silently beckoning him to give in, Christopher's remaining resolve crumbled, the boy's lower lip began to tremble. Seconds later, he too was hugging his father for all he was worth.
Laura watched the scene from across the room, tears steadily streaming down her face. She watched with a sense of detached awe. Almost as if she was not really in the room with the others at all. Wrapping her arms around herself, she wasn't even aware of how the gesture mimicked what she saw before her. A part of her wanted to join them, to allow herself to finally give in, but the part that feared losing everything yet again, won this particular battle. Still, she stood apart.
The rest of the evening passed in a haze as far as Laura was concerned. She felt almost as if she continued to be an observer, not really joining in with what happened around her. After the tearful reunion, both children couldn't get enough of Frank's attention. Both pulling him this way and that as they filled him in on what he had missed. Frank, of course, was more than willing to oblige. From time to time, however, he would catch Laura's eye and frown slightly at what he saw. The look on her face could only be described as……bittersweet, a sad smile gracing her lips. After a brief moment, her eyes would dart away, almost as if she didn't want him to see what she was thinking or feeling.
So it went the next couple of days. The children's excitement at having their father finally home was overwhelming, their every waking moment spent with him. And still, Laura stood in the background, observing it all but not participating. And with each passing hour, Frank's worry grew. He'd hoped that once the children accepted him back in their lives, that Laura too would start to soften. But after a few days back at home, things seemed no better. In fact, in some ways, they appeared to be worse. If possible, she seemed to be pulling farther and farther away from him. And when he thought of that, he thought again of the absence of the wedding band on her finger.
Christmas morning too came and went. Frank surprised all three with presents on top of what the children received from Laura. Hours were spent in play. And on Christmas day, the four ventured over to Frank's mother's house and another reunion took place, adding to the festive atmosphere of the day. And through it all, Laura still remained on the periphery, smiling often, but with a smile that didn't quite reach her eyes.
As the week continued, the four settled into a more normal routine. The newness of Frank's return began to wear off and the children even seemed content to leave him alone for a time here and there. And with that, Frank began to make plans.
On New Year's Eve, unbeknownst to Laura, Frank had arranged for the children to spend the night at their grandmother's. When he announced that he would take them there that afternoon, Laura appeared to be a bit dismayed, telling him that they should all see the New Year in together, but he would hear none of it. And without another word to her, he bundled the children up, gathered their things and ushered them out of the house and to their waiting car. After securing them inside, he turned back toward the house, only to see Laura standing on the front porch obviously shivering in the cold with a distressed and anguished look on her face. He almost went back to her, but thought that he'd deal with it all better once the children were out of the house. With a small wave of goodbye, he settled into the car and drove off.
A couple of hours later, he returned to a quiet house. A glimmer of a smile crossed his lips thinking how different it was when the children weren't around. After hanging up his coat, he went in search of his wife.
He found her in the kitchen, her hands wrapped around a steaming cup of coffee, almost as if her hands were chilled and needed to be warmed. Sitting opposite her at the table, he looked at her expectantly. When a few minutes ticked by, and nothing was said, Frank sighed sadly, knowing that the next few hours weren't going to be easy.
"Talk to me," he softly commanded, pausing a second or so before adding, "Please."
A bittersweet smile graced her lips when she looked up at him. The same smile he'd seen on her face for the past week. "What would you have me say?" she asked just as quietly.
Shaking his head, he replied, "I don't know. Anything……everything. Tell me what you're feeling. Tell me what you were thinking when you stood on the porch as I drove away with the children." Clasping his hands in front of him, he added, "Tell me how to make it right."
Laura could sense the frustration in everything he did. His voice, his words, his tone, his eyes, his face, his mannerisms all spoke volumes. She knew that he was trying to mend what was between them. And silently, she wished the same. But again, part of her held back……part of her just couldn't let go of the hurt.
"I know that you're trying to make things better," she told him truthfully. Shaking her head sadly, she continued, "I'm just not sure if I'm ready to do that yet."
Bowing his head, he let out a pent up breath, his frustration even manifesting itself in the way he breathed. "I understand that this hasn't been easy for you."
She interrupted him then, before he could continue. "You think you understand," she told him, not as a question, but as a statement. "Do you really want to know what I was thinking when I saw you drive away? Do you really want to know?" she challenged.
Frank stared at her, seeing a myriad of emotions bubble up behind her eyes. But before he could answer, she continued, "I saw you put the children in the car, and I wondered…….I started to panic, Frank……..I wondered if you were leaving again and taking our children with you this time," she told him as a sob escaped her lips. Standing quickly, she once again moved away from him.
He watched her as she stood with her back to him, her body trembling from the strength of emotions coursing through her. The words she'd said hit him like a full-force blow to his gut. Knowing that this was what she feared and knowing that he was the cause was almost more than he could stand. Hesitantly, he stood and approached her. Reaching out his hand, he wanted to comfort her, but he hesitated, not knowing how she would react if he touched her. His hand hung in mid-air a second longer before returning to his side. Not for the first time in the week or so he had been back did he think that maybe his actions had caused too much damage. He knew he could never truly forgive himself, perhaps Laura couldn't forgive him either. Many seconds more passed before he decided that he had to give it at least one more try.
"Laura……please look at me," he nearly begged. At first he thought that either she hadn't heard him or was ignoring him, but slowly she turned and faced him. The look in her eyes was his undoing. Without another thought, he brought his hands to her face and brushed the tears from her cheeks with his thumbs. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he wondered how long she would allow him to touch her like this. Any other attempt that he'd made to get close to her had been rebuffed. But no, at this moment, all he could think of was comforting her, trying to take away some of the pain he had caused.
"I'm so sorry," he half whispered to her as his own tears stung the backs of his eyes and threatened to fall.
The two stood like that for several moments, neither giving more nor refusing what was offered, just staring into the depths of their troubled souls. Sustained by her seeming acceptance of his touch, he decided to push on as he gathered her into his arms and held her to him. The elation over her acceptance of this diminished when he realized that although she wasn't rejecting his gesture, she wasn't holding him in return either. At first he didn't know quite what to think of this semi-breakthrough. Should he be thankful for what she had allowed him thus far, or should he be disturbed by the lack of reaction? He really wasn't sure. Yet again, he thought of the wedding band that she no longer wore. This time, he couldn't let the thought pass by.
As he still held her unresponsive body in his arms, he quietly asked, "Laura…..where is your wedding ring?"
Her body stiffened slightly when he asked the question, but she didn't immediately pull away. Eventually, however, she extricated herself from his embrace and looked at him with sad, soulful eyes. Surprising him then, she took his hand and led him into their bedroom. Once there she released him and approached her bedside table. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she simply stared at the framed photograph that sat there. He knew what picture it was without even having to look. It was their wedding photo. She'd kept it on the nightstand for as long as he could remember. Why she was staring at it now, he could only guess. But just then, she reached forward and picked something up off of the table, something that had been placed in front of the picture. Moving beside her, he sat down and stared at what she had clenched in in her fist. Once she had his attention, she opened her hand and revealed what was there. Their two wedding bands tied together with a piece of ribbon.
Without waiting for him to ask, she explained. "After we left Chicago, I struggled to find some way of coping with what happened. Just when I thought I was making headway, I would feel the weight of your ring on the necklace around my neck, or I'd glance down and see my own ring. Every time that happened, it would bring it all back. I can't even tell you how many times I had to make some excuse to the children so that I could duck into another room and try to pull myself together. After awhile, I knew that I had to do something. So I took both of our rings and placed them here. Here I could deal with it. After the day was through, I could close the door behind me and let all of those feelings out, all of the emotions that I wouldn't allow myself the rest of the day. Only here….only in this room would I let myself think about you……worry about you……wonder what I'd done wrong."
Frank had been listening intently to what she was explaining to him, but the last words out of her mouth hit him like a bolt of electricity. His head pivoted so that he could look at her. He couldn't believe what he'd heard. What she had done wrong? "What you did wrong?" he asked in disbelief, sure he had misunderstood. She just sadly nodded her head in reply, he attention still drawn by the framed photograph.
"Laura……you didn't do anything wrong," he told her, still stunned by her words.
A dry chuckle escaped her lips. "Then why didn't you stay? It was obvious that I wasn't enough to keep you there," she explained to him, her voice breaking as the tears threatened once more.
If Frank was stunned before, he was even more so now. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. All this time, she thought that he'd left because……..because she thought that he hadn't loved her enough to stay?? He moved then, moved so that he was kneeling on the floor in front of her, forcing her to look at him.
"Laura……my God……you did nothing wrong. I left because I was afraid that I would hurt you again. I was afraid of what would happen if I stayed. Do you have any idea how I felt when I looked at your face and saw the damage that I'd caused. I caused, Laura! Not some nameless person…….me…..I did it. No matter what psychological reason, I'm the one who hit you!" Taking her hands in his, he pressed on, intent on airing everything that he'd held inside, once and for all. "You should hate me for that, not somehow blame yourself. All of it, Laura……all of it is my fault. No one else's. After I left that day, I just kept running. Town to town, city to city, state to state. It didn't matter where I went, and honestly there were times when I didn't remember how I got to where I was. When that would happen, it only made me realize even more how much I needed help. But through it all, all I could think of was how I had hurt you……broken so many promises that I'd made to you. So many nights I fell asleep with the image of your bruised face in my head, hoping and praying that some day you could find some way to forgive me. But if you can't find it in your heart to do that, I'll understand. It'll kill me, but I'll understand. But for God's sake Laura, there's no way you can blame yourself for what happened. You're the reason I'm here. You're the reason I came back. You're the reason…….." he paused for a second, wondering if he should tell her everything. Looking into her tear stained face, he took a deep breath and continued. "You…..you're the reason that I'm still alive." She shook her head, not sure what to make of his last statement.
Squeezing her hands once more, he rose from his place on the floor, and approached the mirror which hung on the wall above the set of drawers. "Didn't you wonder why the mirror was broken?" he asked as he turned back toward her. She simply nodded, transfixed by what he was telling her. "I came back here…..after I returned from Colombia. I needed to see you. I needed to find you, but all I found was an empty house. At first, I thought that you'd left me, that you'd taken the kids and left me. I felt empty……desperate. I walked over to the mirror and stared at my own reflection, feeling the battle waging within me as to who was in control. I hated what I'd done in Colombia. I hated the person they turned me into. And as I stared into the mirror, all I could see was him. The part of me that I never wanted to see again. I have no idea how long I stood there. But slowly, an idea came to me. There was only one way to make the other half of me disappear. I reached behind me and pulled out the gun I had brought with me. I raised the gun, and pointed it at my temple. And as I prepared to pull the trigger, something suddenly became clear to me. I didn't want to die. I came here to find my wife and children. I had things to live for……….he didn't. He wanted to destroy everything. He wanted me to pay for taking him away from his life once more." He paused to see the significance of his words sink in as she absorbed it all, her eyes wide with both fear and shock.
"I became angry then. Angry that I'd almost let him win. Taking my finger off of the trigger, I reared back and smashed the mirror with the handle of the gun. I wanted him gone, and in that moment, the mirror represented the only visible part of me that I could only feel seething within me. After that, I left as quickly as possible, remembering suddenly where you would be and hoping that I could reach you as soon as possible. I thought that I was in control again, or I would have never come looking for you at that point." Turning from her then, he hung his head and shook his head sadly, his next words barely above a whisper, "I should have known better. I should have waited………if only I'd waited. I wouldn't have hurt you…..again."
Laura still sat on the edge of the bed, her head pounding with everything that he'd just told her. Suddenly the thought of how close she had come to losing him forever overwhelmed her. Without thinking, she rose and approached him, stopping only when she was directly in front of him. Letting pure instinct dictate her actions, she wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled his body against hers. At this moment, she needed desperately to feel his warmth……to feel his chest as it filled with air……to feel his heartbeat as she held him tight. She needed to feel him, alive and well and in her arms once again.
For a stunned second, Frank couldn't believe what was happening, but quickly responded, pulling her body even more tightly against his own, his face buried in the crook of her neck as he inhaled deeply, languishing in every sensation she brought to him as he held her.
Minutes passed and still the two clung to each other, almost as if each was afraid to let go, afraid that the moment wasn't real or that it would soon fade away. After a time, however, their desperation ebbed and was soon replaced by gentle touches and caresses. After a time, Laura pulled back slightly and looked at Frank, studying his features almost as if she hadn't seen him in a very long time. She wanted to memorize the moment, she wanted to remember every detail. She wanted something else as well. Tilting her face to his, she brought her hand gently to the side of his face and guided him to her waiting lips. Sighing softly, the two melted into the gentle, healing kiss. Not since he'd left to go on this mission had they shared something as simple as a kiss. Not even in Chicago, having only held each other desperately as they lay together on the bed.
Without another spoken word, the two moved toward the bed. Their eyes said everything, two souls connecting as they hadn't in a very long time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hours later, Laura woke to a warm, peaceful feeling that she always associated with her husband. Snuggling herself more fully into his embrace, she was rewarded with a contented sigh and his arms tightening around her. Smiling to herself, she absently ran her fingertips across his bare torso. She felt as if she were drowning in his warmth and the love she felt seeping from his every pore. Sighing herself, she was fairly sure that this was what heaven must feel like.
Frank had been awake for awhile, his mind replaying the events of the evening. He had only hoped that it would end up as it had, not truly believing that it would. He knew that they still had a lot to go through, but now, he had no doubt as to whether they could make it work. He felt Laura stir in his arms. A smile turned the corners of his mouth as he held her closer still. With his wife back in his arms, everything was as it should be…….almost.
He reached for the hand that was stroking his chest and held it in his own, his fingers caressing each of her own. When he got to the third finger, he stopped. Not having her ring there felt wrong.
Reaching toward the nightstand, he retrieved their rings so neatly joined with a ribbon. Laura raised her head then and looked at him intently, her eyes filled with nothing but love. She too knew that they still had a long road ahead of them, but she had no doubt at all that they would face what was to come together.
Untying the bundle, Frank took her ring and placed it on the end of her third finger, waiting for her to either accept or reject what he was offering. Laura's bright smile was all of the answer that he needed. As she extended her hand more fully, he slipped the ring on her finger, brushing it affectionately with his own, before raising her hand to his lips and kissing her open palm.
Maneuvering herself into more of a sitting position, she took his wedding band from his hand, and her eyes asked the same of him. Offering his left hand to her, she in turn slipped the ring on his finger. Once done, she clasped his hand in hers as she held it to her heart. Once done, the two settled once more into each other's warm embrace, again drowning in their newly rediscovered love.
A short while later, the stillness of the night was disturbed by some nearby fireworks, the echo bouncing off of the nearby houses as the glare briefly lit up the dark bedroom. The New Year was being heralded in by the community around them. But in this one darkened bedroom, a different kind of rebirth was being celebrated. With the New Year came hope of better things to come, and thankfulness for the blessings already received. Tonight had been one such blessing.
"Happy New Year," Frank whispered quietly to his now sleeping wife. And as the night quieted once more, the revelers all abandoning the cold outdoors, he made himself one last promise before succumbing to the quiet night. He swore by everything that he held dear, that he would do everything in his power to restore Laura's faith in him. Tonight they had taken a monumental step forward, but so much more needed to be dealt with, dealt with and healed.
This one last promise, he vowed never to break.
~*~*~*~
The End
A/N My sincerest thanks to all of the readers who have stuck with this story from its beginning nearly a year ago (!). For awhile it was quite a struggle to keep this going. I thank you all for your patience, and an extra special thanks to all who have left feedback for me over these long months. I truly, truly appreciate your kind and thoughtful words of encouragement! J