iA/N: I've always wondered what happened to Celebrían with the orcs to make her leave her husband and children behind. My romantic soul always imagined her and Elrond loving each other very much, so it kind of bothered me. I wrote this fic mostly to explain it to myself, and it's not exactly my usual style. I don't like writing stuff that's too dark, and I was actually crying when I wrote this… but once I got past the departure of Celebrían I couldn't find peace before I'd given Elrond a happy ending… which leads us to Elrond/Glorfindel slash. Nothing too explicit, I don't write stories with graphic sex scenes. Not because I have anything against sex [on the contrary ;) ], but simply because I'm very bad at describing it, and my stories always end up like some stuff from a cheap porn mag… But it's still slash, and if a mere thought of gay couples makes you shiver, I suggest you give this story a miss rather than get all upset later and flame me. Please don't flame me, it makes me cry. Seriously.
This is one of my older stories, though it takes place later in time than the sequel of "Bedtime Story" and "A Little Problem", the stories I'm currently working on. I don't write stuff in chronological order; that's why I always add the year to the beginning of every story. In those two stories Elrond and Glorfindel are just friends.
Oh, and this is a sequel to "I Want to Live Again", reading that one first might help.
And one more thing (won't she ever shut up, groan the readers…), despite my best efforts, the ff.net's system doesn't agree with my html tags. But I don't want to remove the bolds and italics, because I feel it'd take something away from the original story… I know it's bizarre… so every time you see an I, think italics… ;) /i
bYou Shall Live Again/b
Rivendell, 2510 T.A.
Elrond stood quietly on the hilltop, looking at the view over the valley. It was a special spot for him, always had been. It was the place where he had first confessed his love to Celebrían.
And it was also going to be the place where they would say goodbye.
He heard her soft footsteps and turned around. She was looking better, the horrible scars had slowly faded and she had gained weight. To a casual observer she would have seemed perfectly healthy and normal. But not to her husband.
It was her eyes, Elrond thought. They were so cold. So dead.
He smiled to her, trying desperately to keep his calm exterior when she was nearby. For her. She needed his strength and support.
Inside though, he was screaming again.
She sat down to the grass, and he lowered himself next to her. She was silent for a long time, looking at the valley. Their valley. Her home. She had always been happy here. Happy with him. Why did it have to change?
Finally she turned her eyes to him. Those dead eyes. And then she spoke:
"Elrond, my love, I must tell you something. Do not interrupt me. If you do, I might loose my courage and never manage to say what must be said. It will not be easy, I know it will break your heart, but that is unavoidable. It must happen, sooner or later.
"It was all over for us the moment those orcs arrived. There is no way back".
Suddenly, he knew his life was about to end.
"Elrond", she continued, "I no longer love you. I no longer love anybody. Not you, not our children, and especially not myself. All I can feel – if I feel anything at all – is bitterness and anger. And I cannot continue that way".
She took his hands, and looked him deep in the eyes. He shivered at the coldness he saw in hers.
"I do not mean that I have entirely stopped caring about you. It is simply very difficult… and getting harder day by day. If I stay here, I will loose my mind. So I must leave. It is time for us to go on our separate ways. We could never be as we were.
I shall leave this Earth behind me, and go to Valinor. Perhaps the Blessed Realm will help me to feel again; it is said it can heal all wounds".
"Then I will come with you", he replied passionately, "Celebrían, I can still feel! I will support you, no matter what may come!"
But she shook her head.
"No, Elrond. I do not wish to hurt you. I can see that just now my words have wounded you more than any blade or arrow ever could. You and I will never be as we were".
He was unable to look at her now. His life suddenly had no meaning any longer.
"You could not leave in any case", she continued, though he wished she would not. He could not take much more. "You have our children to take care of, and Vilya. All your people still need you".
iYour people/i, he thought. They had always been "our people" to them both before.
"Middle-Earth needs you", she whispered, "You cold not possibly abandon it, even if I wanted you to. You know I am right".
She was right… he knew that…
He could no longer stay strong. All the emotions he had kept hidden for so long – for her sake – now surfaced. He turned his back to her and fell to the long grass, crying hysterically.
She simply sat still and waited. She knew she was unable to help him now. The love of her life was crying because of his shattered heart, and it was iher/i fault. Instead of feeling compassion towards him, she was only able to feel hatred towards herself. All she could do now was hate.
They would never be as they once were.
hr
Grey Havens, 2510 T.A.
They stood on the pier by the white ship, him and her. Elrond and Celebrían. Husband and wife.
His eyes were desperate. He still could not believe this was truly happening. Her heart was unable to feel, but her rational mind forced her to do something for his sake.
"One day you will follow me, my love", she said, and her choice of words made him shiver. "One day you will also step to the white ship, and we will meet at the shores of Valinor.
"Perhaps it shall be a happy reunion after all. Perhaps the healing power of the Blessed Lands will teach me to feel again".
For just a moment her words raised a hope in him, but then it died again. He knew she did not mean it. But his heart leaped at the thought she was actually trying to make him feel better.
She leaned closer and touched his cheek gently.
"Promise me Elrond, that you will continue your life. Leave the memory of this last desperate year behind you, and only remember the good times. For the sake of all that we once had; what was beautiful".
"I promise", he said without a moment's hesitation, like he had always given her everything.
"You will live again, I know you will", her voice was now nothing more than a whisper, and while she spoke she did not look at him, but instead something behind him.
Their children and Glorfindel were standing there, giving the couple the last moment of privacy.
She kissed his cheek gently. Then she turned and climbed to the ship. And never looked back.
hr
Rivendell, 2615 T.A.
This was no ordinary dream. Elrond felt himself slide through the dreamlands and beyond them, through time and space, until an unnatural light burst around him. So bright, and yet so soothing. So beautiful, like the first sunrise of the World.
iValinor./i
His spirit moved above the Blessed Shores, over the cities and fields, forests and lakes. Until he saw them. A couple in each other's arms, moving in unison, a passionate embrace as old as the first living being. Two souls in love.
One of the persons suddenly turned her head, and he saw her face. Saw her passion-filled eyes that looked straight through his invisible form.
"iCelebrían!/i"
And then another figure was there. Sharp sapphire-blue eyes pierced his trembling soul.
"iYou should not be here!/i" the entity said.
He felt himself being pushed back, away from Valinor, away from his Celebrían, and he screamed.
"iLord Manwë! No!/i"
He sat up in his bed, shaking to the bone. Then the tears came.
hr
He was lying on the grassy hilltop once again. The dawn came slowly, and his father's star he had been staring at for hours without finding the usual consolation disappeared again. Tears were still running down his cheeks; he had never cried like this, hour after hour, being unable to stop.
He had been fooling himself. He had thought he had started to live again, stopped waiting for her, but secretly part of him had still fantasized about meeting her one day; that somehow her words on the pier would come true and that once more they would be as they had been.
The other part had known it to be impossible after her confession to him on this very same hill. She had been so shattered, and he had known that the only way for her to survive was to leave ieverything/i behind. Her family was nothing more than a sad reminder to her now.
She had told him to continue his life, knowing she would be unable to do so herself. She had been so hopeless, so empty, a shadow of a person. But she had been wrong. Somehow, in Valinor, someone had been able to help her. To make her live again too.
He knew he should be happy for her. This unknown elf had managed to do what Elrond could never have archived. He had given her new life, he iwas/i new, not a reminder of the past.
His family's happiness, Celebrían's happiness, had always been all he truly wanted. He had iknown/i it was all over for them. So why did he feel so betrayed now?
The day went along. He could see people moving in the valley below. He had not known it was possible to cry like this.
She had abandoned him. It had happened years ago, but it took an odd trip to Valinor for him to understand. She had left him. He was all alone. All alone in the world, lost and helpless.
"Father!" the voice of one of his sons startled him. He had not even noticed their approach.
What could he tell them now? He had never let his children know what had truly happened between their mother and him. As far as they were concerned, their parents would one day be reunited at the shores of Valinor. It had been bad enough for them as it was, Elrond had seen no need to upset them even more by telling them how literally their mother had left them. How could he have, when he had been unable to believe it himself?
He knew now he would have to tell them. But not yet… not inow/i.
"We have been looking for you", Elladan said as his sons walked towards him.
"Father! What's wrong?", this was Elrohir.
Elrond sat up and tried to wipe his tears away.
"I'll be fine", he said quietly, "I was just thinking about your mother".
This was a good explanation, he decided. At least it was true. He hated lying to his children.
"Oh father", Elrohir knelt to the grass and wrapped his arms around his father. Elrond returned the hug gratefully. He wanted to feel the closeness of his children. He had to know he was not alone.
"Would you come back inside? It is nearly lunchtime", Elrohir asked.
Elrond looked at the sun and discovered it was noon already. He had been up here for nearly 12 hours.
He nodded to his son, and attempted to stand up. Suddenly everything went black and his knees gave in. He felt Elrohir catch him, and managed to regain his balance, leaning heavily against his son.
He was simply exhausted. He had cried all night and day, without eating or drinking anything.
"We'll help", he heard Elrohir whisper to his ear, and felt Elladan also come to his side and take his arm. Slowly they made their way back down to the house.
Once inside he collapsed to the sofa in his sitting room. Elrohir sat down next to him, while Elladan went to fetch some lunch. Elrond leaned back and closed his eyes. He felt his son take his hand and squeeze it in an attempt to comfort him, but was unable to open his eyes and look at the face of his child.
He knew Elladan and Elrohir were both worried, and felt guilty for agitating his children so. He had to tell them the truth.
He finally looked up when he heard the door opening. Elladan had returned, and Arwen was with him. Both seemed upset, and a new wave of guilt washed over Elrond.
Arwen walked to his side and knelt down. She lifted her hand and caressed his cheek. Elrond looked deep into her eyes and saw the love towards her father in them. He swallowed. How he wished he would never have to hurt his children…
"I must tell you something", he whispered, "About your mother. And me".
Slowly, his voice trembling from emotion, he told them.
"She left us", he finally finished, "She left me!"
He looked at the faces of his children. There was disbelief and grief in them.
"She is happy again", he continued, but there was a hint of hysteria in his voice, "She is finally able to live again, and I should be happy too.
"I should be happy for her!" he cried, and suddenly he jumped up and ran to the bedchamber, slamming the door shut.
He fell down to the bed, and started to cry again.
hr
Three days later he was up on the hilltop again. He had spent the past days lying in his bed, staring at the ceiling. His children had been there, and so had Glorfindel. Elrond felt ashamed for himself. He should have been comforting his sons and daughter after telling them the horrible truth, but he had no words for it. Instead he simply made them worry about his state.
They had offered him food several times, but he had ignored it and told them he wished to be alone. Eventually they had left him.
Is that what you want? A voice inside him asked. Do you really iwant/i to be all alone?
No, he did not. And neither did he wish to hurt his children, who meant well.
This morning he had finally gotten up, and walked to a small sitting room in the wing where his family's chambers were located. He had found the twins, Arwen and Glorfindel all deep in discussion from there. Without doubt they had been talking about him. They all looked surprised to see him up all of a sudden.
He spoke before them:
"I'm sorry", his voice was little more than a whisper, "I have been a terrible father these past few days. I tell you the upsetting news about your mother, and then leave you to cope all alone. I ignore your every attempt to offer me help and comfort… I… I'm sorry!"
Before they had time to reply, he turned and ran out of the room.
And now he was on top of the hill again.
He saw someone exit the house, and even from a distance away he recognized it to be Glorfindel. His dear Glorfindel. The best friend anyone could have. If only Glorfindel had known how Elrond truly felt.
Celebrían had known. Elrond was never able to hide anything from her, he had never even wanted to. He remembered a conversation on this very hilltop, long time ago.
"You love him, don't you?" Celebrían had said.
"Who?" Elrond had said in return.
"Glorfindel of course, silly! And don't try to deny it, I can see it in your eyes", she had smiled to him teasingly, and Elrond had groaned.
"Is it that obvious?" he had asked.
"Not really", she had assured him, "But I am my mother's daughter, I see things".
He had smiled humourlessly. "When it comes to Glorfindel, I have given up hope long ago. He would never care about me".
"How do you know if you never try? You should not give up hope when the two of you could have something beautiful together".
He had looked at her for a long time.
"I will not risk my friendship with Glorfindel because of my foolish emotions", he had finally told her, "Besides, there is someone else whom I love just as much as Glorfindel".
And as the sun had slowly set behind the mountains and beautiful music had drifted from the house below, they had shared their first, perfect kiss.
Something stirred inside Elrond all of a sudden. Another memory. At the pier in the Havens.
i"You will live again, I know you will", she had said, and then looked over his shoulder. Looked to the end of the pier where their children had stood. And Glorfindel./i
And Elrond finally understood what she had wanted to tell him at that moment.
hr
A week later Elrond's state had not improved. He no longer went to the hill, but instead just laid in his bed, staring at the ceiling with unseeing eyes. There was only one thing in his mind. Glorfindel.
How desperately he wanted to tell Glorfindel how he felt. But he could already see the look of horror in his friend's face.
i"All these years and you never told me!?" he would say, betrayed. "How could you lie to me like this?"/i
Indeed, how could he? During the years he had learned to live with his emotions and push them back. Even forget them. Glorfindel was his friend, that was how Elrond saw him. But in the end, he had still lied.
He had lied to everybody. His children, his Glorfindel, everyone important to him.
He closed his eyes and wished it would end already. All he wanted now was the eternal calm in the Halls of Mandos. There was nothing left for him in here. He had had nothing to eat or drink for over a week. Why did his body suddenly decide to be strong now, after all the years he had struggled with the weakness of his human side?
He felt his consciousness slowly slip away. Deeper and deeper. He was no longer able to speak, or even open his eyes. A coldness had surrounded him.
He heard the door open and someone moved closer, but he could do nothing to react. The sounds came from far away, and he ignored them and allowed his spirit to sink further away.
Glorfindel sat to the edge of the bed, and took Elrond's ice-cold hand to his own. Tears ran down his cheeks when he looked at the final struggle of his friend.
"You always were so stubborn, my friend", he whispered to Elrond, though he was certain the half-elf could no longer hear him. "But so was I, it seems. Over six thousand years I kept it all inside of me, fearing that if I revealed my true feelings you would push me away. But now I want to say it to you, even if you cannot hear it anymore, I want to say it to you. Just this once.
"I love you. I would have given everything to you. I would have worshipped you. I would have kept you safe".
Elrond's spirit stirred in the lightless void. Something was pulling him back. He was not sure what it was, all he knew was that he no longer wanted to die. Panic struck him.
iI do not want to die!/i
Somewhere out there was light, and he started to struggle towards it. It was so hard. Harder than anything he had ever done. He could feel death's grip on him and tried to scream, but he had no voice. He tried to reach out, but he had no arms. He tried to find the light he knew was out there, but he had no eyes.
But something had called for him, and he tried desperately to find it again.
Then he knew what it was. A song. Somebody was singing gently, and gathering all the strength he had left, Elrond followed the sound.
He opened his eyes slowly. It hurt. Even the slightest movement cause intolerable pain. At first he saw nothing, but after a moment his vision cleared a bit and he was able to make out the form of Glorfindel, sitting by his side, his eyes closed, holding his hand and gently singing the old song they had used to sing together in the evenings during the war.
Elrond tried to inhale, but his lungs felt like they were in flames. Finally he managed a shaky breath, and the tiny sound caused Glorfindel to open his eyes. They grew wide when he saw Elrond looking back at him.
"Elrond", he whispered.
Elrond felt himself start to slip away again. He was simply too weak. He opened his mouth and Glorfindel leaned closer. With great effort he could make out a single word whispered in the smallest of voices.
"Help…"
Glorfindel's heart leapt. His Elrond was back. Elrond wanted to live.
"I will help you", he replied gently, "I will not let go of you again".
He was not certain of what to do next. He was no healer. He wondered if he should go and find Mistress Alyssa, but he could not leave Elrond now.
Water. Elrond definitely needed something to drink. He rushed to the bathroom and filled a cup. When he came back Elrond's eyes were closed again, and Glorfindel's fear returned. Maybe it was too late.
But Elrond opened his eyes again when Glorfindel sat by his side. Glorfindel noticed he was shaking violently and, putting the cup down to the table, reached for a blanket that lay folded on a nearby chair.
He lifted Elrond carefully up towards him and wrapped the blanket around him. Then he took the cup back to his hands.
Elrond choked to the water at first. Glorfindel rubbed his back gently and waited for his coughing to end before lifting the cup to his lips again. Slowly and carefully he managed to get all the water inside Elrond, and when the cup was empty, he noticed his friend look up at him.
"More?" whispered Elrond, "Please?"
"Of course", Glorfindel replied, smiling gently to Elrond. He lowered the smaller half-elf carefully back to the bed, and went to refill the cup.
Elrond drank the whole total of five cupfuls of water. After that Glorfindel collected some pillows behind him and lowered him back to the bed to a half-sitting position.
Glorfindel lifted his hand to Elrond's cheek and caressed it softly.
"Elrond", he said, "You need some food. I will go to the kitchen and ask Mistress Sárie to give me some soup".
"No, don't leave me alone!" Elrond's eyes were filled with fear.
"I will be right back", Glorfindel calmed him down, "I promise, I will not leave you alone".
Several elves were left staring after Glorfindel in puzzlement when he ran through the corridors to the kitchen and back again at top speed. He closed the door of the bedchamber after him again, slightly out of breath, and saw Elrond looking at him anxiously.
"See, I told you I'd be back", Glorfindel said with a smile.
To his relief Elrond smiled weakly back.
Glorfindel returned to his previous place on the edge of the bed, and lifted the bowl of soup. He looked at Elrond's shaking hands and wondered how to get the soup inside the half-elf. He finally solved the problem by putting the spoon away and supporting the bowl while Elrond drank the thick liquid.
When they had finished Glorfindel put the bowl to the table and sat back down, inspecting his friend carefully. Elrond was terribly weak and had lost some weight, but there was a sparkle of life in his sunken eyes now. Glorfindel wondered what had happened to change his friend's stubborn mind, but decided it was not important at the moment. All that mattered was that Elrond lived.
Suddenly they heard the outer door opening and quiet steps moving across the sitting room to the bedchamber door. The handle turned, and Arwen appeared. Her jaw dropped when she saw Elrond awake.
"Father!" she cried and ran to the bed. Glorfindel stepped aside to give her some room.
"You are back", she whispered. Tears started to run down her cheeks when she took her father's face between her hands.
Elrond started to tremble even more when he looked at his daughter.
"I'm sorry", he sobbed, "I'm sorry I nearly left you".
"Shhhh father", Arwen whispered and pulled him into a hug, "We understand how hard it was for you. We really do. There is no need for apologies".
Elrond buried his face to her shoulder and cried.
"Should I get the twins?" Glorfindel asked, and instantly regretted it when Elrond lifted his head and gave him a panicked look.
"I iwill/i come back, Elrond, I promise", he said once again.
Arwen squeezed her father tighter, and he gave her a small smile and relaxed. Glorfindel exited the room, relieved.
He found the twins from the apple garden, sitting mournfully under a tree. They both looked up when they heard Glorfindel coming, and he saw the look of despair in their eyes.
"Your father is awake", he said softly, and the boys blinked at him.
"Awake?" asked Elladan simply.
"Yes", Glorfindel smiled, "He decided to give life another chance after all".
That was all the pair needed. They jumped up and started to run towards the house as fast as their legs could carry them. Glorfindel followed.
hr
Elrond was making an excellent recovery. Two days later he was up and about, though he was still quite weak and quiet, and needed support to walk. One of his children or Glorfindel was always by his side, but he had already started to complain about that; a definite sign of his condition improving.
He was making his way towards the library, leaning against Glorfindel. They met some of his people on the way, and Elrond's irritation started to grow. He had been irritated all day, ever since he had realized ieverybody/i seemed to know what had happened to him. Between him and Celebrían.
That was the way of things in Rivendell, nothing stayed secret for long. Elrond was sure Mistress Sárie had something to do with it. She was always cleaning odd corners of the house, and never managed to keep anything she heard to herself.
Most of the time it did not bother him personally. Elrond had very few secrets he did not trust to his people, but this time it was different. It was simply humiliating. He could see the pity in people's eyes. He knew it was there because his people cared about him, but that did not change the fact that it was unwanted.
He was relieved when they finally reached the small study next to the library. The paperwork was a mess. His counsellors had done their best, but apparently he was still needed to run the affairs of Rivendell.
Glorfindel helped him to sit down, and pulled another chair for himself by Elrond's side. Elrond glanced at a pile of paper, but instead of burying his nose to it he returned his eyes to Glorfindel.
"What?" asked the blond elf when his friend kept looking at him.
"I thought this might be a good moment to thank you", Elrond replied simply.
"For what?" Glorfindel seemed confused.
"For supporting me these past days. For your patience when my behaviour was clearly beyond difficult. And for pulling me back".
Glorfindel frowned. "Pulling you back?"
"Yes, it was your voice I followed from the world of death. Without you there, I would be dead now", Elrond explained. He was still not sure what the original reason for his sudden desire to live had been, but he knew it was Glorfindel's song which had guided him back in the end.
A look of horror spread across Glorfindel's features when the realization dawned. He leaned against the desk and buried his face to his hands.
"I'm sorry", he whispered, barely audibly.
It was Elrond's turn to frown. He saw no reason for Glorfindel to regret his song so deeply. Or did he regret rescuing Elrond? For a second Elrond felt confused, and slightly hurt. Then he experienced a moment of realization of his own. The original reason. He had started to follow the song only iafter/i he had started to desire life again. What was it?
He looked at Glorfindel, who was sitting by his side, cheeks burning in shame and eyes fixed to the floor. It had been something Elrond had heard… a simple plan formed in his mind, and he reached towards Glorfindel.
Glorfindel jumped slightly when he felt Elrond's hand on his shoulder.
"Glorfindel", Elrond began, "I would like you to repeat what you said to me then".
Glorfindel looked at his friend in horror. "What!?"
"What you said to me, that made me want to live again", Elrond repeated, keeping his face blank, "I would like to hear you say it again".
Glorfindel sighed, and Elrond saw he had been right.
"Are you sure you want to hear it again?"
"I am sure".
Glorfindel lowered his gaze to the floor again and started to speak dejectedly: "I love you. I would have given everything to you. I would have worshipped you. I would have kept you safe".
Elrond closed his eyes. Yes, that was iit/i.
When he opened his eyes again, Glorfindel was looking at him sadly.
"I'm sorry Elrond", he said, "I had no right… I thought you were dying, thought it was my last chance to tell you…" his voice broke and he swallowed before continuing: "Though I find it impressing you returned from the doorstep of Mandos only to slap me and tell me I am disgusting".
Elrond tilted his head. "Why would I think you were disgusting?"
Glorfindel blinked at this.
Suddenly a bright smile lightened up Elrond's face. This was the moment he had been waiting for nearly all his life, the moment he thought would never arrive.
"There is only one thing I can say after hearing that speech", he said, "I love you too!"
Glorfindel simply blinked again.
Elrond gave an exaggerated sigh.
"And you used to be the official charmer in Lindon. Do I have to do everything in here?"
With that, he took Glorfindel's face between his hands, and kissed him.
That seemed to wake Glorfindel from his daze. Two seconds later he had whisked the papers to the floor and lifted Elrond to the desk. Suddenly Elrond broke their kiss, and blushed furiously.
"What is it now?" Glorfindel asked, "Did you change you mind?"
"I most definitely did not!" Elrond replied, "It's just… " he felt himself blush even more, "Well, I have only ever been with Celebrían… I'm afraid I am not very… experienced…" he's voice trailed off.
Glorfindel laughed out loud. "Elrond! I am looking for a soul-mate, not an entertainer!"
Elrond raised an eyebrow to this, and Glorfindel gave him a grin that was everything but innocent.
"I'll teach you, don't worry…"
At that moment Elrond thought he noticed movement by the door and looked up. Had that door not been closed? Then he saw something he could have sworn to be the hem of Mistress Sárie's dress, disappear behind a corner. He sighed. Oh well, at least he would get rid of their pity now.