Title: A Day With the Marauders and Company!
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
James: I am the world's biggest asshole! That is, aside from Sirius.
Sirius: *Grins* Behold the asshole due! *Both he and James tear open their robes to reveal T-shirts with giant gold A's*
Remus: I am not an asshole, but I am a very deep thinker and am oftentimes borderline effeminate. Why do I hang around you two again?
James: Because-because we love you!
Sirus: Not as much as we love ourselves. Though, that goes without saying. I secretly had sex with my sister.
Peter: That's cool!
Readers: Go away, Peter.
Peter: In less than two chapters, I will be revealed as the mastermind behind a hideous plot to clog all the Hogwarts toilets. For that, I shall be slapped by Lily Evans. Oh! The humanity!
Lily: Hello all. Aren't I pretty despite my coke bottle glasses, prairie dress, and pigtails wrapped in gunny twine?
Everyone: *Points at Lily* Dorkette!
Remus: Hi, Lily the Dorkette. I am Remus, the non-asshole.
Snape: Did I hear the word 'asshole'? Lucius and I are assholes unto ourselves.
James: Hah! Your inferior Slytherin assholism pales before Sirius' and my assholism. Bow to our superior assholishness! Lily, you have nice breasts.
Lily: Oh! I am insulted!
Sirius: *Pinches Lily*
Lily: Oh! For that I shall play a dirty trick on you and also undergo a complete makeover!
Lucius: Everyone look at my ponytail that reaches my ass. Whoa there, Narcissa! *Pulls reins on leather leash attached to Narcissa*
Sirius: Snape's a virgin!
Snape: I will now systematically destroy mugglekind due to that remark and my traumatic childhood. Off I go to brew dangerous potions and scar my waifish body!
Remus: I feel sorry for you, Severus. I am so kind.
Snape: You called me by my first name. It must be love!
*They kiss*
Lily: Look everybody! I borrowed this dress from J Lo and it fits like a dream!
Peter: *Drools* Wait a tic! Jennifer Lopez doesn't yet have an acting or singing career. Get your timeline straight, Lily.
Lily: *Slaps Peter*
James: Merlin's pretty pastel panties! Peter really is evil! I hereby banish him from the rest of the story.
Sirius: Lily, may I grope your luscious breasts?
Lily: No. I love James because he saved me from Peter!
Sirius: Okay. Back to whoring.
Snape: *Runs by* I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire!
Lucius: Aha! Snape is now mine to control for eternity.
Remus: Fuck it! I'm off to the Shrieking Shack.
Narcissa: Sirius, let's commit incest to prove what a deranged asshole you really are. That way, James can later blame his assholishness entirely on you.
Snape: *Runs by* I'm a Deatheater! I'm a Deatheater!
Random student: Who the hell said that Snape became a Deatheater in school? I'll bet he waited until he grad- *Is destroyed by a horde of fan girls*
Lucius: Wait. I almost forgot to unsuccessfully seduce Lily.
James: Why bother?
Lucius: Good point. I'm off to Malfoy Manor. Where in hell is Narcissa?
Snape: *Pauses in drinking a Sexiness X 10 potion. Where is James' fellow asshole?
Lily: They are shagging behind that tree. Back again, Remus?
Remus: My Twinkie stash has been depleted and I am utterly lost without Snape's vampiric charm.
Snape: I am everyone's bitch and I love it!
James: Right. Well, I guess now we can leave Hogwarts and live completely normal lives until we are killed, thrown into Azkaban, turn to the dark side of the force, etcetera. Change is oh-so-easy after leaving Hogwarts.
Lily: Quite. Twinkie, anyone?
~FIN~
Author: Ivory Tower
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.
James: I am the world's biggest asshole! That is, aside from Sirius.
Sirius: *Grins* Behold the asshole due! *Both he and James tear open their robes to reveal T-shirts with giant gold A's*
Remus: I am not an asshole, but I am a very deep thinker and am oftentimes borderline effeminate. Why do I hang around you two again?
James: Because-because we love you!
Sirus: Not as much as we love ourselves. Though, that goes without saying. I secretly had sex with my sister.
Peter: That's cool!
Readers: Go away, Peter.
Peter: In less than two chapters, I will be revealed as the mastermind behind a hideous plot to clog all the Hogwarts toilets. For that, I shall be slapped by Lily Evans. Oh! The humanity!
Lily: Hello all. Aren't I pretty despite my coke bottle glasses, prairie dress, and pigtails wrapped in gunny twine?
Everyone: *Points at Lily* Dorkette!
Remus: Hi, Lily the Dorkette. I am Remus, the non-asshole.
Snape: Did I hear the word 'asshole'? Lucius and I are assholes unto ourselves.
James: Hah! Your inferior Slytherin assholism pales before Sirius' and my assholism. Bow to our superior assholishness! Lily, you have nice breasts.
Lily: Oh! I am insulted!
Sirius: *Pinches Lily*
Lily: Oh! For that I shall play a dirty trick on you and also undergo a complete makeover!
Lucius: Everyone look at my ponytail that reaches my ass. Whoa there, Narcissa! *Pulls reins on leather leash attached to Narcissa*
Sirius: Snape's a virgin!
Snape: I will now systematically destroy mugglekind due to that remark and my traumatic childhood. Off I go to brew dangerous potions and scar my waifish body!
Remus: I feel sorry for you, Severus. I am so kind.
Snape: You called me by my first name. It must be love!
*They kiss*
Lily: Look everybody! I borrowed this dress from J Lo and it fits like a dream!
Peter: *Drools* Wait a tic! Jennifer Lopez doesn't yet have an acting or singing career. Get your timeline straight, Lily.
Lily: *Slaps Peter*
James: Merlin's pretty pastel panties! Peter really is evil! I hereby banish him from the rest of the story.
Sirius: Lily, may I grope your luscious breasts?
Lily: No. I love James because he saved me from Peter!
Sirius: Okay. Back to whoring.
Snape: *Runs by* I'm a vampire! I'm a vampire!
Lucius: Aha! Snape is now mine to control for eternity.
Remus: Fuck it! I'm off to the Shrieking Shack.
Narcissa: Sirius, let's commit incest to prove what a deranged asshole you really are. That way, James can later blame his assholishness entirely on you.
Snape: *Runs by* I'm a Deatheater! I'm a Deatheater!
Random student: Who the hell said that Snape became a Deatheater in school? I'll bet he waited until he grad- *Is destroyed by a horde of fan girls*
Lucius: Wait. I almost forgot to unsuccessfully seduce Lily.
James: Why bother?
Lucius: Good point. I'm off to Malfoy Manor. Where in hell is Narcissa?
Snape: *Pauses in drinking a Sexiness X 10 potion. Where is James' fellow asshole?
Lily: They are shagging behind that tree. Back again, Remus?
Remus: My Twinkie stash has been depleted and I am utterly lost without Snape's vampiric charm.
Snape: I am everyone's bitch and I love it!
James: Right. Well, I guess now we can leave Hogwarts and live completely normal lives until we are killed, thrown into Azkaban, turn to the dark side of the force, etcetera. Change is oh-so-easy after leaving Hogwarts.
Lily: Quite. Twinkie, anyone?
~FIN~