INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Daria lies on the bed, while Jane is applying an electric lady-shave
on one of Daria's legs.
SOUND OF THE LADY-SHAVE'S ELECTRIC MOTOR:
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
;-D
Jane finishes and Daria inspects her work.
DARIA:
I must say this is good.
JANE: (teasing her)
Now you can wear your skimpy sexy black miniskirt tomorrow.
DARIA: (glares at her and then replies)
Yeah, I can't wait to seduce you father and become your wicked stepmother.
JANE: (rolls her eyes)
Sometimes you even freak me out.
HALF AN HOUR LATER:
INT. BASIL'S AND SYBIL'S PRIVAT BEDROOM – NIGHT
Basil lies fully dressed on the bed with a damp face towel over
his forehead. The room is dark.
The door opens and Sybil enters. She switches the light on.
SYBIL:
I am back Ba... You look so pale, what happened?
BASIL: (sick)
Women, what have you done? Why did you give those 2 Americans the wedding
suite?
SYBIL:
It was the only available room left.
BASIL: (angry and half sick)
With the only available double bed left!
SYBIL: (she comprehends his hint)
They said: They are *friends*. Close as sisters. They didn't mind sharing
one bed.
BASIL: (mocking her)
Oh yes, friends! Very good friends! Even closer as sisters! Of course
they don't mind sharing one bed.
SYBIL:
You are not implying, that they:
(beat)
"Swing the other way".
BASIL: (highly sarcastic)
Oh! OH! "Swing the other way"! OH, aren't we majestic today!
To call them homosexual is not good enough for us eh?
Lesbians, queens, lezzy, queer, gay, pansy, bent, poof, ponces and
woofters. That is not, what we call them!
Well listen to me my beloved wife: They are bleeding mincing fairies
of the island of Lesbos! That is what they are!
SYBIL: (annoyed)
That is not our business, what they are. We are running a hotel. We
are committed to discretion. As long our guest pay their bills and don't
bother the other customers…
BASIL: (exited)
But they do bother the others!
SYBIL: (calm)
You mean they were bothering you!
BASIL: (more exited)
NO! They made noises!
SYBIL: (sceptic)
What for noises?
BASIL: (disgusted)
You know… that kind of electric noises, those depraved new-age devices
make, when those degenerated persons apply on them each other, when they
have their fowl ways.
A *buzzing* noise!
(he stands up)
RIGHT! I am going to throw those perverts out!
SYBIL: (amused)
A *buzzing* noise?
You were eavesdropping again, weren't you?
BASIL: (hesitates)
Well... uhm… You could hear it through the corridor!
SYBIL: (smirks)
Especially when you glue your ears to their door. I presume that *buzzing*
noise was an alarm clock.
BASIL:
Nonsense!
SYBIL:
Or an electric toothbrush, or a hair dryer, or a lady-shave…
BASIL:
But…
SYBIL:
Or a mobile! Only last month, you have accused. Mr. Perkins of having
a goat in his room. And it turned out he had a fancy mobile phone tune.
BASIL:
But I heard them talk!
SYBIL:
You must have misinterpreted them.
BASIL:
They were quite clear!
SYBIL:
And what about the time when you have accused Mr. Mustafa to be a terrorist?
Only because you misunderstand his secret surprise birthday party, that
he wanted to give to Mr. Rosenthal. And when the anti-terror brigade stormed
our restaurant… well, I never felt so ashamed in my life!
BASIL:
But, but…
SYBIL: (rants)
No more buts! I mean what is wrong with you? Constantly you twist around
events to manifest the wildest stories. You always manoeuvre yourself in
a fantasy world of hidden sex, crime, incest, terrorism and cannibalism.
(Basil tries to open his mouth but Sybil cuts him off)
As if destiny itself decided to make you a centre character of a "X-files"
- "Playboy"…-"Dr. Who" crossover.
Look I have got enough!
(Again Basil tries to open his mouth but Sybil is faster)
I have seen and heard enough!
Now you grow up and stop accusing whatsoever our guest might be doing,
when you don't want to spend the night in the office.
(in a motherly tone)
Take a cold shower. Get yourself a clean head and come to bed. Say
yes dear.
BASIL: (mumbles)
Yes dear.
SYBIL: (she smiles and pats his head)
That is a god boy.
She walks into the bathroom, while Basil glares behind her back.
BASIL: (quiet and threatening tone)
I will show you.
CUT TO:
INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Daria and Jane are in their nightshirts. They are tugged in bed
and Jane switches the light off.
JANE: (tired)
Good night Daria.
DARIA: (also tired)
Good night Jane.
Pause.
JANE:
This reminds me of sharing the same room with Trent, when I was little.
DARIA:
Me too… I mean with my sister Quinn, when I was little. I hated that.
JANE:
Did you told her bedtime stories?
DARIA:
Only the usual stories past from older siblings to younger siblings.
Tales about mass murderers, serial killers, torturers and puppy kickers.
Not to mention my classic opus about cannibal parents. I had always a vivid
imagination about such things.
JANE:
Gee, I wished Trent had told me such stories when I was small.
DARIA:
What did Trent told you for stories?
JANE:
Not many… Most of the time I crawled into his bed. And then he hummed
me into sleep, while we hugged each other …
Embarrassed silence.
JANE: (embarrassed)
I shouldn't have revealed that.
DARIA:
But you did.
Awkward pause.
JANE: (defending herself)
…Okay, it may appear like a tiny bit incestuous… But we were both kids
and we put an end to it, when he had turned 13 and got his own room… I
mean… you surely have cuddled up on Quinn?
DARIA:
Eww. That is disgusting. She is my sister. Do you want I get nightmares?
JANE:
The answer is a one hundred per cent "No"?
DARIA:
Not quite. Once she did cuddle up on me.
JANE:
And?
DARIA:
I woke up and notice she was in my bed. So I pretended I was still
asleep and murmured her name, while I strangled my cushion. She left my
bed and was never seen again.
JANE:
That just explained a lot of yours and Quinn's psyche.
DARIA:
What do you mean by that?
JANE: (she turns her back to Daria)
You will get the answer in the serenity of dreamland. Nighty-night.
DARIA:
Humph. Pleasant dreams.
Daria turns her back to Jane and both fall asleep.
CUT TO:
INT. BASIL'S AND SYBIL'S PRIVAT BEDROOM – NIGHT
Basil and Sybil Fawlty are asleep.
THE CAMERA PANS TO BASIL:
He visible has got a nightmare.
FADE TO:
NIGHTMARE – INT. FAWTY TOWERS – RECEPTION LOBBY – DAY
Two figures are seen from behind. They look like Elton John and
Oscar Wilde.
ELTON JOHN LIKE FIGURE: (he sings in the melody of "Can You Feel The
Love Tonight")
At last a hotel, where we can spend the night!
OSCAR WILDE LIKE FIGURE:
There is only one thing worse, than searching a room for two people
of the same sex, and that is searching it in Torquay.
Basil Fawlty enters. He is exactly dressed like John Cleese in the "Find-the-Fish"- sketch of the movie: "Monty Python's Meaning of Life".
BASIL:
Welcome to Fawlty *knocking* Towers: The Kamasutra Suite is it?
FADE BACK TO:
INT. BASIL'S AND SYBIL'S PRIVAT BEDROOM – NIGHT
Basil Fawlty wakes up and screams.
BASIL:
AHHHHHHHH!
CUT TO:
INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Unaware of the scream. Daria and Jane lie on their backs and are
asleep. Suddenly Jane turns towards Daria and stretches out her arms. She
cuddles up on her. Resting her head on Daria's bosom.
JANE: (whispering in her sleep)
Hmm, Trent.
Daria starts to move too. She puts her hand on Jane's head and pushes her away.
DARIA: (murmurs in her sleep)
Get lost, Quinn.
Jane moves away and both turn then their backs to each other.