INT. FAWTY TOWERS – DINING ROOM – MORNING
Several guest sit on their tables, while Manuel and Polly are serving
them. Daria and Jane enter, sit down at an empty table and take a look
at the menu card. After Polly has finished dealing with the other guests,
she approaches them.
POLLY:
Good morning. May I take your orders?
DARIA:
Good morning. I would like a continental breakfast please.
JANE:
Come on Daria! We are in England! We should order a proper English
breakfast.
DARIA:
Why not? I can do with a heart attack in the morning.
POLLY: (smirks)
That would be two English breakfast then. Tea or Coffee?
JANE:
Just bring the whole program: Tea, coffee, orange juice, toast, spam,
cornflakes, porridge, fried eggs, spam, sausages, uhm spam, bacon… spam,
tomatoes, spam.. spam, baked beans and spam...
POLLY: (writing it up)
And a lobster Thermidor au Crevettes with a Mornay sauce served in
a Provencal manner with shallots and aubergines garnished with truffle
pate, brandy and with a fried egg on top and spam.
Jane and Polly smirk at each other.
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
That just was a little inside joke between "Monty Python" Fans.
DARIA:
I have just got remembered to check my E-mail. Oh, you have forgotten,
that Britain, as a seafaring nation, has made a famous contribution to
breakfast: Kippers.
POLLY:
Sorry. No kippers, we don't serve them anymore.
Basil Fawlty enters the room and witness how Polly is chatting with
Daria and Jane. He turn around and walk back into the lobby.
INT. FAWTY TOWERS – RECEPTION LOBBY – MORNING
BASIL: (curses)
Those bloody American lesbians.
And old man with white hair and moustache, wearing a blazer and a newspaper under his arm, approaches him from behind.
THE MAJOR:
Morning Fawlty. Lesbians?
BASIL:
Eek!
The Major is the oldest resident of Fawlty towers. He is a retired Army Officer, who fought in WW2. Further he is a bit senile.
THE MAJOR:
Lesbians, Fawlty?
BASIL: (stammers and nudges)
No I mean… I mean les… Lesley… Lassie… The collie… uhm *Les* Miserables…
THE MAJOR:
No you just have said lesbians! Are they those two young ladies, who
have arrived yesterday?
BASIL: (starts to blush)
I can explain. Well… no… It is not my fault that we have got Lesbians
in our house. Please don't tell anyone! For the sake of the reputation
of my hotel!
THE MAJOR:
Why Fawlty? We are now in the common market. I mean we have forgiven
the Germans.
BASIL:
What?!?
THE MAJOR:
Oh yeah they are damn chaps, but the Germans and the Lesbians gave
us a good fight back in Africa 1943.
BASIL: (astonished)
Pardon me???
THE MAJOR:
In the war. The Battle of Tobruk. Together with Monty!
BASIL: (relieved)
Aha! You mean Italians.
THE MAJOR:
What?
BASIL:
I-ta-li-ans.
THE MAJOR: (blushes)
What! Italians here! In this hotel!
BASIL: (calm)
Yes?
THE MAJOR: (stammers)
Well I don't want to be prejudiced in any way… Well I mean well we
ha… ha… had the sexual revolution in the sixties and now… I mean when 2
people love each other then let them be happy. Oh well. Mr. Fawlty. We
should be more liberal about those things, so long it is private, it is
nobody business.
The Mayor trolls off.
BASIL: (glares behind him)
Thick as a boat!
Basil turns to the entrance of the kitchen and walks in.
INT. FAWTY TOWERS – KITCHEN – MORNING
While the cook Terry is working at the stove. Sybil just has finished
composing two huge English Breakfast trays. Polly grabs one of them and
walks into the dining room.
SYBIL:
Basil, can you help her? It is for the two Americans.
He is shocked and tries to exit.
SYBIL: (threatening)
What are you doing Basil? Where are you going? Don't threat them like,
Pariahs! They are our customers. Go in and serve the guest.
He sights and grab the huge English Breakfast tray and enters the
dining room.
INT. FAWTY TOWERS – DINING ROOM – MORNING
He walks in with the tray and approaches slowly the table at which
Daria and Jane are sitting.
With their backs turned to kitchen, they don't notice him. Daria
looks how Jane is eating her breakfast.
DARIA:
How is your sausage?
Fawlty nearly drops the tray and looks at them full of with horror. Then realization draws.
DARIA: (looks at Jane, how she pulls a face while chewing it)
I read that implementing regulations of the European Union: The British
Sausage would have to be renamed to "Emulsified High-Fat Offal Tube."
JANE: (swallows the bite)
Actually it nearly tastes as good like the Lawndale High Tuesday Meatloaf.
DARIA:
You mean as bad.
JANE:
Exactly.
Basil calms down and walks to them.
DARIA:
Can I drink your juice?
Again Fawlty nearly drops the tray. He looks at them in total disgusted horror. Then he sees Daria is holding a glass of orange juice.
JANE:
Sure help yourself.
Basil sights in relief. He makes it to the table.
JANE:
You also can eat my flakes…
Basil is shocked and drops the tray. Luckily it lands on the table, leaving the food intact. Except of some liquid splattered over the table cloth and the floor. He sees how Jane is holding up a small packet of corn flakes.
BASIL: (exited)
Sorry! Sorry! Never mind! My fault. I have misunderstood… NO! I MEAN.
Damn hot trays!
DARIA AND JANE: (sceptic)
Yes.
They both look down to see how much was spilled on the floor.
BASIL: (highly exited)
Never mind that mess! I will get Polly to lick the carpet…
I mean CLEAN, CLEAN THE CARPET! So it is as clean as licked… CLEAN
AS A WHISTLE!
Sterile, aseptic, decontaminated, healthy; pure etc…. Ha, ha, ha.
Meanwhile you can go on and chew your boxes…
…
I mean munch your boxes!
…
I mean the CARTONS, packages, cases, containers with those healthy
cornflakes… YUMMY!
Daria and Jane just stare at him.
BASIL: (Before he can blush in public, he hurries back into the kitchen.)
EXCUSE ME!
Beat.
DARIA:
Do you think he was insinuating something?
JANE:
Probably he is on the edge of a nervous breakdown, I should go up and
bring the camcorder down.
Both start to eat their breakfast.