BASIL:
Manuel! Follow me!
Manuel comes out the kitchen and follows Mr. Fawlty up the stairs.
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR – DAY
Basil Fawlty stands in front of room and takes out the garbage bags
and the master key. Manuel catches up with him.
BASIL:
Manuel. Don't let anybody into this room.
MANUEL: (with an Spanish accent)
Not anybody into this room… Okay… Why so?
BASIL:
… Anti Terror Alarm! Arriba!
MANUEL:
Anti Terror????!! Si, si, si!
Manuel is on guard like a soldier in Iraq.
CUT TO:
EXT. FAWTY TOWERS – ENTRANCE – DAY
Vincent Lane just arrives with his car. He sees how Daria and Jane
are walking down the Lane.
VINCENT:
Hey Jane, hey Daria.
DARIA:
Hey.
JANE:
Hey Dad. Why so early?
VINCENT:
It was easier to stay up all night then to wake up early.
JANE:
You stayed up all night in your caravan?
VINCENT:
Well I tried. If I had been successful I would have arrived an hour
earlier.
JANE:
Whatever. Won't you mind that we wait some minutes for a friend. We
want to give her a ride to Torquay's Stonehenge.
VINCENT:
Of course.
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR – DAY
Manuel still stands guard.
VOICE OVER BASIL: (from behind the door)
Is there anybody?
MANUEL:
No.
Basil comes out, carrying suitcases and garbage bags filled with the personal belongings of the guests.
He nearly walks into the Major.
THE MAJOR:
Greetings Fawlty.
BASIL: (he shrugs then he scowls at Manuel)
Manuel, I told you to look out!
MANUEL: (with an Spanish accent)
I have. This is not anybody, that is *some*body. That is the Mayor.
BASIL:
Manuel on a word.
He gestures to Manuel to come near him. Manuel does so and he get a knock on his head by Mr. Fawlty.
MANUEL:
AYE!
THE MAJOR:
Fawlty, what are you doing?
BASIL: (sarcastic)
Nothing special. Just throwing out some guests.
THE MAJOR:
Which guests?
BASIL:
We previously have chatted about them.
THE MAJOR:
The Lesbians!?! Aren't you a bit overreacting? All right they brought
us the Mafia, the Casa Nostra and the Fiat. But at least they are not Belgians…
BASIL: (rolls his eyes)
So much I desire to discuss with you the policies of my hotel. I have
got some guest to be evicted.
THE MAJOR: (he sights)
Well you are the hotel manager.
The major trolls off.
BASIL:
Right. Where was I?
He kicks Manuel.
MANUEL:
Ow!
A middle-aged couple arrive at the scene.
MIDDLE-AGED MAN:
What is going on?
BASIL:
Nothing, nothing please don't pay any attention.
MIDDLE-AGED WOMAN:
But that is our room!
Aghast Basil checks the number of the room door. It was not the room of Daria and Jane.
BASIL:
Sorry! Sorry! Just a communication problem from… him.
He slaps Manuel.
MANUEL: (in Spanish)
Ouch!
BASIL: (to the guests)
I am deeply sorry. May we offer you a drink on the house and a 10%
reduction for the inadequacies cause by this terrible misunderstanding.
(he hands them their stuff in the garbage bags)
These must be yours!
Please excuse me now but I am in a hurry.
He rushes past them to room 12 on the other side of the corridor
and pulls out his master key.
The couple shake their heads and Manuel helps them to carry their
stuff back into their room.
CUT TO:
EXT. FAWTY TOWERS – ENTRANCE – DAY
Daria, Jane and Vincent are waiting outside for Polly. They are
talking about Torquay.
VINCENT:
… Actually the location of this hotel is ideal. Only a ten-minute-walk
to the town centre.
JANE:
What is actually on in Torquay?
DARIA:
Certainly that can be read in one of the worlds shortest books.
All chuckle.
VINCENT:
Good one Daria.
DARIA: (unsure)
Hmm… uhm… thanks.
JANE:
I've suddenly got a déjà vu.
While Daria glares at her, Polly arrives.
POLLY:
Hi, thank you for waiting.
JANE:
No sweat Polly. May I introduce you to my father: Vincent Lane.
They shake hands.
VINCENT AND POLLY:
How do you do.
They notice that Polly is wearing a huge rain jacket.
DARIA:
Uh… you took precautions?
POLLY:
Didn't you heard the weather forecast? They have predicted a nice English
Summer.
Daria and Jane look at each other.
JANE:
We better get our rain coats.
DARIA.
We will be back in a minute.
They go back into their rooms.
CUT TO:
INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – DAY
Inside Basil takes out some empty garbage bags and is about to put
the personal belongs of Daria and Jane in.
When he spots a long beige coloured device with a strange top. He
studies it. It is a lady-shave. He picks it up and switches it on.
SOUND OF THE LADY-SHAVE'S ELECTRIC MOTOR:
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
CUT TO:
INT. UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR – DAY
Daria and Jane walk up the stairs. They turn around and see that
Sybil is going in the same direction.
SYBIL:
Excuse me, did you see my husband?
DARIA:
Fortunately not.
They arrive in front of the wedding suite to see how Manuel is blocking their way.
SYBIL:
Manuel??? There is work in the kitchen to be done! You know that Polly
has got her day off.
MANUEL: (with an Spanish accent)
Orders by Mr. Fawlty: "Anti Terror Alarm".
JANE:
In our room? Fascinating!
SYBIL: (rolls her eyes)
Oh no, not again!
Sybil waves Manuel aside and the women walk in.
CUT TO:
INT. WEDDING SUITE – BEDROOM – DAY
They catch how is how Basil Fawlty is eavesdropping at a cupboard
door.
SOUND OF AN ELECTRIC MOTOR:
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
The 3 women are stunned by the bizarre setting.
Then Basil Fawlty opens the cupboard door and take the lady-shave
out
SOUND OF THE LADY-SHAVE'S ELECTRIC MOTOR:
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Basil Fawlty switches it off, stares at it, and finally draws a conclusion.
BASIL: (tensed)
I am such a fool.
(in relief)
I AM SUCH A FOOL!
(He smiles and leaps in joy.)
They are strai…
(he turns around and see Sybil, Daria and Jane staring at him)
WAHHH!!!
He turns pale and drops with his face on the floor.
SYBIL: (calm)
What are you doing?
He jumps on his feet again.
BASIL:
I can explain… we had this… *bomb* *threat*… and last night I heard
a very suspicious noise coming from this bedroom… so I came in to investigate…
and it turned out to be only a lady-shave… ha, ha, ha. Would you believe
it!
He notice how Daria, Jane and Sybil are staring at him with wide eyes.
BASIL:
Yes?
SYBIL: (she walks to him and says calm into his ear)
Basil, you have got a lady-shave inside your trousers.
He looks down and see a huge bulge in his pants.
BASIL: (embarrass)
Ow!
He turns around and tries to pull it out, but then the device switches itself on and starts to cut hair.
SOUND OF THE LADY-SHAVE'S ELECTRIC MOTOR:
BZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Basil Fawlty pulls a shock face, when he falls again down on the
floor.
A MINUTE LATER:
INT. FAWTY TOWERS – RECEPTION LOBBY – DAY
Daria and Jane, wearing rain coats, are walking down the stairs.
JANE:
Now that was a surreal moment. wasn't it?
DARIA:
Yes. That only proves my theory, that the United States would be better
off when it had been colonized by the French and not the English.
EXT. FAWTY TOWERS – ENTRANCE – DAY
Vincent and Polly are talking with the Major, who has recently joined
them. He is wearing a rain jacket and a hat.
THE MAJOR:
… Certainly that is history. Yes I lived that history, but now we must
look to the future.
VINCENT:
I agree. Expelling hotel guest due their nationality is a thing from
the past.
THE MAJOR:
I mean they are human beings like us. And they are talented: Michelangelo.
Leonardo Da Vinci, the whole Renaissance and Pasta!
POLLY:
I can ensure you that Mrs. Fawlty would never let that happen.
THE MAJOR:
Of course! Mrs. Fawlty is more broad-minded. She definitely has got
nothing against Lesbians.
Vincent and Polly goggle at him with open mouths. Meanwhile Daria and Jane come out from the building.
DARIA AND JANE:
Hey.
POLLY:
Pardon me? What did you said Major?
THE MAJOR:
Lesbians! You know, like those two young ladies who are in the wedding
suite.
(he lifts his hat at Daria and Jane)
Mr. Fawlty wanted to throw them out. He is very narrow-minded!
He shakes his head and trolls off.
THE MAJOR:
Cheerio!
Vincent and Polly stare behind the Major, then they stare at Daria
and Jane, who are now looking horrified at each other.
E N D
END NOTES:
If you have any comments than mail me under ace_trax@yahoo.de.
DISCLAIMER:
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Daria" is MTV.
The copyright owner of the TV-Series "Fawlty Towers" is the BBC.
I have no connection with the copyright owners and I don't have the
legal rights to use their material.
This fanfiction story was done without authorization, permission or
approval by their respective copyright owners.
AUTHOR'S COPYRIGHT:
Please note that this fanfiction is a derivative work, so it is protected
by copyright law as long as the words and syntax are novel. That means:
Me, as the author of this work do not own the pre-existing copyrighted
stuff, but I do own the whole rest. That are all the novel words and syntax,
which make the story.
This story is not for profit, it is a work of pure fandom, without
any financial interests. Any financial or other uses of this document without
the specific permission of the authors (me and the other copyright owners)
are forbidden.
Text Copyright © 2003, 2004 Ace Trax. All rights reserved.
THANKS AND ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:
Thanks to the guys from "Scorched Remnants" for helping me with the
Spanish.
Thanks to Robert Nowall for betareading.
Thanks to John Cleese and Connie Booth, the creators of "Fawlty Towers".
The BEST sitcom of all time
And of course thanks to the creative minds of MTV, who gave the world
the best TV-series of all time: "The Osbournes".