Disclaimer: hellsing and it's characters, places, names, whatever, doesn't belong to me. The lyrics are taken from Mel B's song lullaby. I *think* they are right but I'm not sure, so feel free to correct me if I'm wrong.
A/N: result of watching too much Hellsing. What else? First time writing a hellsing fanfic, I apologize if this sucks. Ceres to Alucard monologue. Oh yeah, ketamine is a drug, for those who doesn't know.
Warnings: drugs, alcohol, suicide thoughts, possible OOC-ness. If don't think you can handle heavy angst, don't read.
Pairings: AxC, with hints of AxI and very little CxOC
Summary: the ink that I have spilled dyes my world red.
Ketamine Melody
The loud rhythm of the music pumps through the bar. Dark and crowded, smoke fills the air; each choking breath suffocates me. My hands are clamped around a drink, eyes glued to the floor. I can't find myself in this stuffed, crowded room, each time I take a drink my mouth fills with bitter poison. Walter told me to take a break, come away from myself while, to try and find some peace. I need to take it easy for a while, he had told me after seeing me collapse in your arms on the last mission. Those heavy injuries, those scars and broken bones don't matter at all, not when I can feel your presence and warmth flowing through my soul.
I don't know how many hours I sit here staring endlessly, trying not to think. Someone asks me to dance during the evening, another one pf many tonight. I've lost count of how many guys had come up to me, trying to make eye contact, to get my attention. A list of faces I don't know, of names I don't ask. How many up to now? Tens or hundreds? Like counting stars under an endless sky.
For once I don't resist him and go to the dance floor. I swing my body slowly to the music; every cell inside my body is tired. The loud heavy beats pound in my ears and my head groans in the agony of it all. My bones ache, I'm falling apart bit by bit, until there's nothing left. His hands are placed lightly by my hips, arms swinging gracefully around my body. I hum along with the song, but my melody is tuneless, and the lyrics echo in my head.
I'll sing you my lullaby a thousand times or more,
You are my butterfly and I can't face the world without you…
These words, what do they mean? Love, lust and loss, what are they?
This ketamine melody that thunders through every corner of the bar, it carries me away into some uncanny land. For a moment I can fly away, taking off on butterfly wings, soaring into another world. The cocaine and narcotics, or whatever else I swallow allows me feel light and weightless. These drugs, Gods curse on the humans, doesn't come to harm to me, I just cover up my wounds for a few days until they heal.
The chains, these cuffs, binding my ankles and wrists, always seem to drag me back down to the ground. You are always pulling at end of them, white-gloved hands never letting go. Whenever I'm dragged back down you open your arms to catch me, I never fall into them. It is always the hard cold ground that breaks my fall, every time.
Your eyes are only for Lady Integral, remaining forever faithful and loyal, like a true servant, just like mine are made for you.
I feel tired tonight, I just want to go to sleep and never get up. Sing me a lullaby of death; let me end this cruel life. Each night alone crucifies me, nails pounding into my feet and hands as I listen to you and the Lady talking late into the night. Suffering as I drown in my own sea of memories, washed up on the beach as a lifeless corpse, only to be resurrected the nest morning as a new person.
I walk out of the bar nauseous and victorious of another battle between my ghosts. I suck in the fresh night air, the street sways and then stands still, a silver moon rises above the sky, and I make my way home. The large windows with lights shining from them illuminate my path back.
And if eyes were windows to the soul, then no one would be able see to ours. Mine are always blurred, and yours are forever locked by a lost key.
~~~owari~~~
A/N: Well?? I hope I didn't bash up Ceres, er,*too* badly in this… I guess I like writing about drugs and stuff cos I'm doing a project a bout it at school.