Spoilers: Ender's Game
Author's note: This is all Silvertine's fault. Her story Pieces of You, archived here in ff.net, brought me almost to tears, and reminded me how much I loved the relationship between Ender and Alai, and how much I yearned for some sort of closure between them. This is my attempt at it. I have my own feelings about Ender and Alai, and I respect yours, whatever they may be. Consider this unacted-upon slash, consider it friendship. It is love, that's for sure. Beyond any boundaries. I hope you enjoy it. Please tell me of any mistakes you might find, English is not my first language, though I try my best.
Departuresby Meg
Alai entered the room slowly, softly closing the door behind him. A sharp intake of breath from the darkness around Ender's bed startled him. 'Who's there?', he whispered, much louder than he'd intended. His heart was hammering against his chest.
'It's me, Petra,' she said, muffling a sob. 'Don't be so loud, you'll wake him.'
He sat by her side, on Ender's bed. Now his eyes had adjusted to the obscurity, he could make out Ender's features— so pale, he thought, so thin—, contorted in an expression that conveyed anything but restfulness. 'And that would be a bad thing?', he asked sharply.
Petra looked up at him for a fleeting moment, a hurt look on her face, before locking her gaze on Ender again. 'I wish he'd look… peaceful,' she whispered, ignoring his question. 'I wish I knew he was having pleasant dreams. About his sister, maybe. Do you know about her? He told Dink, once. She was called Valentine. And he loved her more than anything.'
Alai flinched at that, not entirely sure why. Maybe because she kept talking about Ender in the past tense. Maybe because he had never told him about this Valentine he'd loved so much. He swallowed the lump in his throat. 'Loves,' he murmured, and brushed two errant strands of black hair from Ender's brow.
'What?' asked Petra.
'Loves her. He's alive.'
Petra looked down and stood up suddenly. 'I'd better go,' she said, turned on her heel and left hurriedly. Alai thought he heard her crying softly as she made her way down the corridor.
He turned his gaze to Ender again. The dark rings under his eyes were slowly fading— much too slowly, in Alai's opinion. Every muscle was tense under the bed sheets, he could tell by the outline of the smaller boy's body, and his breath was agitated. He looked like trapped animal, poised for flight or fight, unwilling to do either but unable to do anything else.
Alai sighed and lay on the bed by Ender's side. He put one arm around the sleeping form, hoping he'd relax against his embrace. Nothing changed.
Alai wasn't sure for whom were the tears he wouldn't shed, Ender or himself.
***
They laughed until they cried. And then the others arrived— Fly Molo, and Shen, and Crazy Tom, and Hot Soup, and Vlad— and they spent hours talking, making up for all the jokes they hadn't told each other, for all the games they hadn't played. Alai and Shen replayed Bernard's ass-looking ordeals; Tom, Molo, Soup and Bean enacted several famous strategies and especially the faces of the other soldiers when they saw what was coming for them; and Petra had them in stitches recalling Ender's first shooting lesson.
''…But I don't have any good ones, either!', poor baby, it was all I could do not to burst out laughing…'
But eventually, the laughs subsided. Somebody noticed Ender trying to stifle a yawn, and they all decided it was enough for the first day he was awake. They said goodnight to Ender and each left for their quarters.
The last one out was Alai. He'd stopped at the doorframe for a second, watching the pale boy's eyes closing, his face relaxed for once. He turned to close the door behind him.
'Alai.' Ender's voice stopped him. 'Don't go yet.'
He entered the room again, suddenly feeling subdued. The playfulness had erased from the atmosphere and from Ender's eyes. Alai tried a small smile. 'Of course not. Do you need anything?' he said, sitting on the bed again.
Ender turned towards him, lying on his right side. 'No. Just… stay.'
'Alright.'
For a long time, none said a word. The lights went out. Alai had fallen half-asleep himself when a fumbling hand gripped his. His breath caught in his throat. He saw Ender curled up on himself, his eyes tightly closed. He caught Alai's hand so tight he couldn't feel it.
'I loved you, Alai,' Ender whispered, his voice cracking.
'So did I, Ender,' he replied without thinking. The smaller hand pressed harder against his. Alai felt faint. 'I still do.'
He expected an eruption, a thousand whys, all the dreaded questions he'd asked himself until it'd hurt so much he couldn't think clearly anymore. Why had he given up on Ender, knowing what the game was doing to him? Why hadn't he flown to his help when he'd realised Bonzo had prepared an ambush? Why had he left him?
But none of those questions came. Instead, Ender threw himself on him, half crouched, and hugged him fiercely around the waist, his head buried on Alai's chest.
The wall between them crumbled, as if it'd never existed.
Alai choked on a cry, put his arms around Ender and cradled him closer. He kissed him softly on the crown of his head. No words were necessary.
***
It was hours until Alai was finally left alone. During his welcome speech he'd talked all about Ender, praising him and asking again and again for him to be brought back to Earth. 'We want him here. He's the best person there is. We need him here.' I need him here, he'd thought. And the crowds had cheered, and clapped, and sung a traditional song from Alai's childhood in Ender's honour, the words of which Alai could barely remember.
He threw himself on his bed. It was way too small for him— he'd been six the last time he'd slept here. It wasn't his bed anymore, just as the house he was in wasn't home anymore. And the people in it, even the old dog who still recognized him, weren't his family.
He touched his cheek, where Ender had kissed him goodbye. They both knew they'd never see each other again. 'I still love you, too, Alai.' Ender had whispered in his ear. 'Salaam.'
He shouldn't have left, Alai thought. He hadn't wanted to. None of them had wanted to. Ender needed them, or so he'd wanted to think.
But it occurred to him that, in fact, Ender didn't need them. He needed never to have gone to Battle School, never to have left home, never to have been hated by his brother, never to have lost his sister…
But he could have tried. He could have been by Ender's side, never failing him again, belonging to Ender like he belonged to him, like he belonged to all of them…
And now he was but a precious memory. His peace, stranded in Eros, never to be seen again. Lost.
For the first time in six years, Alai cried.