Chapter 4: Realizations
Lexa stood in the cold night air staring after Jesse. He had every right to be mad at her. She had treated him badly. She knew they should have talked a week ago, but she was afraid of her feelings and thought that ignoring them would make them go away but it only made them stronger.
He was the right man for her and that is what frightened her the most. Loving someone meant that they could leave you and hurt you. That was a big chance to take, was Jesse worth it? When she saw him dancing with the pretty redhead, she realized that he wouldn't wait forever. And she wanted to be the only one to dance with him. How could she fix this? Lexa needed to think, so she got in her car and drove.
Back at Sanctuary...
Jesse was sitting at the kitchen table when Shalimar and Brennan returned from the club. "If you need to talk, we're both here for you Jess." Shalimar whispered as she wrapped her arms around Jesse.
"Thanks guys, but I just want to be alone right now."
"Okay, we'll see you tomorrow. Try to get some sleep." Brennan and Shalimar left the room.
Jesse was still at the table when Lexa returned from her drive. "We need to talk." She said as she slid into a chair.
"Go ahead, I'm listening." Jesse crossed his arms and waited for her to continue.
She took a deep breath and started to talk. She told him about her childhood, growing up in her family and life with Leo. The problems they encountered when he started to get sick, her guilt over placing him with Eckhart and then having to kill her own brother. She talked of past attempts at relationships and how she was afraid to care, to love, to let someone in and give them the opportunity to hurt her and leave. Once she started talking it got easier and she wondered why she'd never told Jesse before. When she stopped to take a breath Jesse spoke.
"I already knew some of what you said and I understand –somewhat- where you are coming from, but why are you telling me all this? Have you made up your mind about what you want?"
Lexa choked back a sob. "I really want to try and be with you Jess. But I am so afraid that I will chicken out and run and I don't want to hurt you."
"What if I said I wouldn't let you go without a fight? Would that make a difference? Jesse reached for her hand.
Lexa looked up to find Jesse staring at her, his eyes were filled with tears and something else. Was that what love looked like?
"Can't we just try and see what happens?" Jesse pleaded. "You promise to talk to me when you're afraid and not just push me away and run, and I'll promise to give you space when you need it and not push too hard."
Lexa hesitated for a moment before speaking. It sounded so good; she was tired of running and tired of pretending not to care. Her mind was screaming 'dare to try' and suddenly she knew this was it, she was home- Jesse was her home. "Okay, let's give it a try. I'm so tired of fighting Jesse; I want to be with you, I always have, I just thought I would be weak to admit it. I was wrong, I feel stronger than ever now."
They stood and embraced each other as the tears Lexa had been holding back broke free and she sobbed into Jesse's shoulder. When she finished sobbing Jesse lead her out of the kitchen towards their rooms. "Its really late, you should get some sleep."
"Will you stay with me Jess? Just hold me while I sleep."
"It would be my pleasure. Besides I don't want you to change your mind overnight again, this way I'll be the first thing you see in the morning and you'll have no choice. You're stuck with me!" He said with a grin.
"I couldn't think of anything better." Lexa grinned back. "Oh, there's one little thing we need to take care of first."
"What's that?" Jesse asked, slightly confused.
"I dare you to kiss me!"
"Not this again, you know what happened last time."
"Just shut up and kiss me Kilmartin!"
Jesse leaned in towards her and placed his hand on her cheek, it was as soft as he imagined. She reached up and touched his face too, mirroring his actions. Their lips met, soft and gentle until Lexa pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around his neck intensifying the kiss. Their lips parted as tongues explored and left them gasping for air. Jesse felt like he was driving a fast car with the world racing by. He was spinning out of control and he loved it. When they finally broke apart Jesse had to put his hand on the wall to steady him as Lexa leaned against him.
"Wow that was..." Lexa started breathlessly.
"Incredible!" Jesse finished for her.
Lexa smiled at him as she opened her bedroom door. "You know, I'm suddenly not so tired anymore. How about you?"
"Strange, me neither what do you think we should do?"
"Come with me, we have to finish our little game of truth or dare, don't we?"
"I dare you to try and stop me!" Jesse shot back with a smirk as he followed her into the room and closed the door. It was going to be a long night.
Lexa stood in the cold night air staring after Jesse. He had every right to be mad at her. She had treated him badly. She knew they should have talked a week ago, but she was afraid of her feelings and thought that ignoring them would make them go away but it only made them stronger.
He was the right man for her and that is what frightened her the most. Loving someone meant that they could leave you and hurt you. That was a big chance to take, was Jesse worth it? When she saw him dancing with the pretty redhead, she realized that he wouldn't wait forever. And she wanted to be the only one to dance with him. How could she fix this? Lexa needed to think, so she got in her car and drove.
Back at Sanctuary...
Jesse was sitting at the kitchen table when Shalimar and Brennan returned from the club. "If you need to talk, we're both here for you Jess." Shalimar whispered as she wrapped her arms around Jesse.
"Thanks guys, but I just want to be alone right now."
"Okay, we'll see you tomorrow. Try to get some sleep." Brennan and Shalimar left the room.
Jesse was still at the table when Lexa returned from her drive. "We need to talk." She said as she slid into a chair.
"Go ahead, I'm listening." Jesse crossed his arms and waited for her to continue.
She took a deep breath and started to talk. She told him about her childhood, growing up in her family and life with Leo. The problems they encountered when he started to get sick, her guilt over placing him with Eckhart and then having to kill her own brother. She talked of past attempts at relationships and how she was afraid to care, to love, to let someone in and give them the opportunity to hurt her and leave. Once she started talking it got easier and she wondered why she'd never told Jesse before. When she stopped to take a breath Jesse spoke.
"I already knew some of what you said and I understand –somewhat- where you are coming from, but why are you telling me all this? Have you made up your mind about what you want?"
Lexa choked back a sob. "I really want to try and be with you Jess. But I am so afraid that I will chicken out and run and I don't want to hurt you."
"What if I said I wouldn't let you go without a fight? Would that make a difference? Jesse reached for her hand.
Lexa looked up to find Jesse staring at her, his eyes were filled with tears and something else. Was that what love looked like?
"Can't we just try and see what happens?" Jesse pleaded. "You promise to talk to me when you're afraid and not just push me away and run, and I'll promise to give you space when you need it and not push too hard."
Lexa hesitated for a moment before speaking. It sounded so good; she was tired of running and tired of pretending not to care. Her mind was screaming 'dare to try' and suddenly she knew this was it, she was home- Jesse was her home. "Okay, let's give it a try. I'm so tired of fighting Jesse; I want to be with you, I always have, I just thought I would be weak to admit it. I was wrong, I feel stronger than ever now."
They stood and embraced each other as the tears Lexa had been holding back broke free and she sobbed into Jesse's shoulder. When she finished sobbing Jesse lead her out of the kitchen towards their rooms. "Its really late, you should get some sleep."
"Will you stay with me Jess? Just hold me while I sleep."
"It would be my pleasure. Besides I don't want you to change your mind overnight again, this way I'll be the first thing you see in the morning and you'll have no choice. You're stuck with me!" He said with a grin.
"I couldn't think of anything better." Lexa grinned back. "Oh, there's one little thing we need to take care of first."
"What's that?" Jesse asked, slightly confused.
"I dare you to kiss me!"
"Not this again, you know what happened last time."
"Just shut up and kiss me Kilmartin!"
Jesse leaned in towards her and placed his hand on her cheek, it was as soft as he imagined. She reached up and touched his face too, mirroring his actions. Their lips met, soft and gentle until Lexa pulled him closer, wrapping her arms around his neck intensifying the kiss. Their lips parted as tongues explored and left them gasping for air. Jesse felt like he was driving a fast car with the world racing by. He was spinning out of control and he loved it. When they finally broke apart Jesse had to put his hand on the wall to steady him as Lexa leaned against him.
"Wow that was..." Lexa started breathlessly.
"Incredible!" Jesse finished for her.
Lexa smiled at him as she opened her bedroom door. "You know, I'm suddenly not so tired anymore. How about you?"
"Strange, me neither what do you think we should do?"
"Come with me, we have to finish our little game of truth or dare, don't we?"
"I dare you to try and stop me!" Jesse shot back with a smirk as he followed her into the room and closed the door. It was going to be a long night.