Elimidate: Middle Earth – Episode One

Chapter Three: Round Three – "A Roll in the Hay"

Rosie stands up somewhat shakily. "OK, it's time for me to make my second cut." Sam stands up to leave again.

"NO, Sam. You're staying," says Rosie.

Sam blushes. "Oh. OK, thanks."

Rosie looks around at the other three male hobbits. "I've been having fun with all of you guys today, but one of you has tried to kill us twice, and that kind of puts a damper on things. I'm sorry……Merry. You have to leave."

Pippin to camera: Ha! I knew it! She does think I'm the smarter one.

Rosie to camera: I just can't have a walking disaster for a boyfriend. Even if he is the smarter one.

Sam to camera: I think she made the right choice, he wasn't her type.

Merry stands up calmly. "OK. Have a good night, it was nice meeting you. Good luck to the other two." Merry walks off, whistling.

Merry to camera: So she didn't pick me. That's OK. I wasn't really that upset by it. She wasn't my type anyway. There were no fireworks…well, other than what I brought along in my pocket.

"OK," says Rosie. "For the final round of our date, I've rented a cart full of hay for us to ride around in and talk. This is Gandalf, the chauffeur." She motions to the driver.

"Hey, we know him!" says Pippin.

"Yeah, the wandering grey wizard," Sam agrees. "He's weird."

Gandalf frowns at him. "Nice to see you again too." He mumbles under his breath as the hobbits climb into the back of the wagon. "It's always the freakin' grey wizard who gets roped into these things. Not the white wizard…not even the brown wizard…always the GREY wizard."

Pippin nudges Sam, "Gee, he's in a good mood this evening."

Suddenly, Rosie notices that Pippin is pushing a huge keg into the back of the cart. "Um, what's that for?"

Pippin gives her a surprised look. "It's a keg of ale, what did you think it was? You see these every day at work."

Rosie rolls her eyes. "Yes, I know that, but why did you bring it? You already got drunk earlier tonight."

Pippin grins, "Yes, but this is the Gaffer's own home brew. You can always make room for the good stuff."

Sam throws his hands up. "Oh, for the love of…"

"Pete?" Pippin puts in.

"Yeah," says Sam. "Thanks."

Pippin to camera: I'm surprised that Rosie can't have a better appreciation for fine ale. Methinks she's in the wrong career.

Rosie to camera: Pippin decides he wants to bring ale along for the ride. If he shares, it's a different story; but I think he just wants to get drunk.

Sam to camera: Pippin's definitely out now. Once he's gotten into that keg, he won't know she's alive for the rest of the ride. (grins widely) Hmmm…

Gandalf to camera: Can we just hurry this up?! I've got an appointment to go and scare the daylights out of Frodo about that ring he's been lugging around staring at! Jeeze!

Now the hayride is underway, and the conversation takes a romantic turn…or at least it tries to.

Rosie settles back into the hay between Sam and Pippin. "OK guys, if you could take me on the perfect date, where would we go?"

Pippin replies between tankards full, "Out to drink and then we'd sit outside and smoke the finest pipeweed in the Southfarthing…then we'd go get something to eat."

Rosie looks disappointed. "Gee, how romantic." She turns to Sam. "What about you, Sam? Where would you take me?"

Sam blushes and fiddles with the hay. "Um, I'd bring you flowers…and tell you you're beautiful…and we'd go walking through more flowers on a pretty evening…and I'd sing you a song about how you and the flowers are pretty…"

Pippin interrupts. "Good grief, Sam, where's the fun?"

Rosie looks indignant. "It sounded pretty good to me." Sam blushes deeper.

Pippin waves her off. "Oh please. I'll show you a song!" He stands up and starts to sing, drunkenly and rather off-key.

Rosie to camera: Pippin usually has a good singing voice…but not when he's drunk! It was awful.

Pippin to camera: I told you she'd like my singing! (grins)

Sam covers his ears. "Stop it! Pippin! Enough!"

Pippin keeps singing. At that moment, the cart passes under a very low stone bridge.

Gandalf calls back, "Low bridge!" Everyone ducks…except Pippin. He's too drunk to hear, and the bridge smacks into him and knocks him out of the cart.

"Pippin!" shrieks Rosie. "Are you all right?!"

Pippin is struggling to his feet, still drunk, still singing. He cheerfully wanders off toward the nearest tavern.

"Fool of a Took!" Gandalf shouts back at him.

Rosie frowns. "Well, it looks like Pippin elimidated himself."

Sam smiles. "Yeah."

Rosie to camera: Oh well. I was going to pick Sam anyway. I do like flowers, and he seems to be the sanest one of the bunch tonight.

Sam to camera: I knew he was gone the moment he started to sing. Some guys just don't have what it takes, I guess. (winks)

Rosie looks at Sam. "I had a lot of fun with you all tonight, but I do like you the best. You're so sweet and not at all like those jerks at the bar I have to deal with each night." She leans over like she's going to kiss him.

Sam panics and they bump heads. "Oops! Hehehe…"

Rosie grabs him and plants one on him, right there in the back of the cart.

Gandalf to camera: I'm getting out of here. Now. This is ridiculous. Lovestruck hobbits aren't a pretty sight after awhile…(The camera cuts to Gandalf loosing the horse and riding off into the night, muttering about being a high wizard and still having to do inane tasks like this one.)

Rosie and Sam to camera: Thank you, Elimidate!!

End of Story, R/R! :)