Buffy prepared a breakfast feast the next morning for Giles and Willow's
arrival. As Xander and Dawn set the dining room table, Buffy set out a
platter of chocolate chip pancakes, fruit, bacon, and juice. Xander and
Dawn were setting the dining room table. When the doorbell rang, Buffy
jumped nervously, and stared at the other two before they headed to the
door together. Buffy opened it, and there stood Willow and Giles. Giles
still looked the same – all British like – but Willow looked older.
"Hey Buffy, Dawn, Xander," Willow said hesitantly, a tentative smile on her face. That was enough to snap everyone out of it, and Xander went forward and wrapped his arms around her. As Willow laid her head on Xander's shoulder, Buffy and Dawn saw her chin tremble as she clung to him, her eyes full of tears. Buffy and Dawn came forward then, and they all found themselves in a soggy group hug. Willow was crying silently, and both Buffy and Dawn got teary. Even Xander looked close to tears, as he held onto his best friend.
Buffy pulled out of the hug. "Welcome home, Willow." Buffy gave her a watery smile, and Willow returned it. Buffy then turned to Giles and practically threw herself at him. God, she missed him so much. He was a father to her, and not having him around was so hard. His scratchy wool coat was comforting, and the way he hugged her, his hand stroking her hair, made her feel like a kid again – safe and loved. She looked up at him, saw him struggling to hold back some mushy emotions. "I missed you, Giles." He smiled, clearing his throat. "I missed you, too, Buffy."
After a few more moments of hugging all around, Buffy cleared her throat. "Okay, no more hugging or I'm never going to stop crying. Plus, the food's probably going all cold by now."
Awhile later, after everyone had eaten their fill, they were all sitting in the living room. Buffy, Willow, and Dawn were curled up on the couch, with Giles sitting in the armchair with a cup of tea, and Xander perched on the arm of the sofa. As Giles opened his mouth to speak, a banging came from the door. Before Buffy could even get up, it flew open, and a smoking, blanket-covered bundle hurtled into the house. As Spike dropped the blanket, and saw that everyone was there, he realized it could NOT end well. In the first few quiet seconds, he took in the range of emotions on everyone's face. Xander looked livid and ready to kill, Dawn looked much the same, yet there was another emotion there he couldn't quite place, Willow looked shocked and concerned, Giles looked annoyed, and Buffy... well, Buffy looked nervous.
Then pandemonium broke loose. "What the hell do you think you're doing here?!" Xander raged.
"Spike. What the.. where the.. ok, how could you do that to her, and ditch us?!" Dawn's voice shook.
"Spike? Ok, I'm obviously missing something here." Willow looked confused, noting the reactions of Dawn and Xander, much more exaggerated than they normally would have been.
"Spike. Get out." Giles voice was a quiet, angry command.
While all the commotion was going on, Buffy got fed up. "Quiet! Everyone!" Her voice cracked like a whip, effectively cutting off conversation. Everyone stared at her. "Spike. Wait in the kitchen please. I need to talk to everyone for a minute." He nodded and hurried out, glad to get away from the wild emotions raging in the room.
"Buffy, what the hell is going on? You look like you, well, knew he was back." Dawn looked so upset Buffy didn't chastise her for her language. "I did know he was back, Dawn." That admission cost her, by seeing her sister's face close off.
Before she could continue, Xander broke in. "Dammit, Buffy! After what he did to you, how can you not be angry? And why didn't you tell us?" He looked agitated, fingers clenching, eyes flashing sparks.
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I needed to work a few things out on my own." Buffy was starting to feel defensive, the way she always did when Xander threw his rage at her.
"While he figures out another way to hurt you? Or us? Or were you just excited to have your sex toy back?"
Buffy felt like she'd been slapped. "How dare you, Xander!?" Buffy's chin trembled, but she refused to cry, partly not to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt her, and partly because the anger was starting to bubble up. Before it could spill over, Willow interjected. "Hey, hey, calm down. Lets not start the name-calling."
Dawn stared coolly at her sister. "He has a point, though, Buffy." More angry words started flying around like little stinging bumblebees, until Giles whistled loudly. When everyone got quiet, he calmly said, "That's enough."
"Buffy, go into the dining room, take a breather, and calm down for a bit." He had noted that underneath the anger, she looked on the verge of tears. Buffy gratefully hurried out. When out of sight, she covered her face with her hands and cried silently. 'How did I let my life get so complicated?'
"Buffy. I'm sorry." A hand rested on her shoulder. She knew it was Spike. For once, he actually sounded sincere and non-snarky. "I didn't realize everyone would be here, or I wouldn't have bloody barged in like that."
"It's okay, you couldn't know." Buffy swiped at the tears on her cheeks.
He sighed. 'How do I always manage to bollocks things up worse than they already are whenever it comes to her?'
"Buffy. I'll leave now, if you want me to, but we have to meet soon. I have some important information for you."
"That might be best. We'll talk tonight. After everyone calms down a little." She felt twitchy being near him, and didn't want to examine too closely just why that was. He gave a brief nod. She handed him his blanket, and he disappeared out the door.
'Ok, now to assume crash position.' She headed back to the living room.
***Giles took his glasses off, cleaned them, rubbed his eyes then put the glasses back on. He took a good look at his slayer, his Buffy. Her chin was propped on her slender, supernaturally strong fists, shiny golden hair swinging around her pretty face. She looked... sad. Confused.
"Buffy. What was Spike doing here?"
Not meeting his eyes, she took a sip of the tea he made. "He's come back to make amends. He wants forgiveness."
Giles frowned at that. "Any particular reason why? Is it because of you? Did he do something to you?" He watched as she flushed and fidgeted. He knew Spike had hurt her just by the way she reacted.
"He.. hurt me. Before you came back. That's why he was gone when you got here." Buffy couldn't meet Giles's eyes, not really up to divulging what had happened.
"Can you be more specific?"
"Giles, can we just leave it? I'm sorry you had to find out that way he was back, but what happened between us is in the past, where it belongs. Plus, it's... private."
At the word private, Giles let it drop. It had happened last year, at the crux of Buffy's, well, sexual encounters with the vampire. He knew, instinctively, that it had to do with that because she had blushed. He had a sneaking suspicion what might have occurred, and he knew it could be a sore spot for her to talk about it. He also didn't want to discuss her sex life. Some things were best kept private, even between Watcher and Slayer.
***Later, Buffy went over to Xander's. She needed him to understand why she hadn't told anyone about Spike's return, and he would be the hardest to bring around. Willow had been easy, not just because she was Buffy's best friend or, being girls, they always understood each other. Unlike Xander, Willow never had a huge problem with the vampire, even though Spike had tried to kill her a few times. Dawn was upset, and wouldn't talk to Buffy, so she decided to put off the Dawn-talk till tonight.
Buffy knocked on Xander's door, shifting nervously. He opened the door and stared at her. "Can I talk to you, Xand?" He moved aside to let her in. Sitting on the sofa beside him, Buffy cleared her throat, and couldn't get the words out.
"Buffy. I don't understand." He looked sad, and a little angry.
"Xander. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I knew you wouldn't understand, so I took the easy way out."
"That hurts, Buffy." His dark eyes met hers dead on, and she felt worse. "He tried to kill us in the beginning, caused a lot of trouble, obsessed in a scary way over you, then you started boinking him and giving him hope, and he tried to rape you when you wouldn't give him anymore happies. I don't know why you'd choose him instead of..." He focused his eyes out the window. 'I don't know why you'd choose him instead of me.' That was the unspoken desire, Buffy knew. 'Oh, this is going to be hard.'
"Xander, there were so many times when I wished I felt the same way about you as you do about me." She had trouble meeting his eyes, but did so, because this conversation was long overdue, and he deserved that much. Bracing herself, she continued. "I trust you, respect you. You're loyal, an incredible friend, and brave. I love you, but it's a friend or a brother love. It would be so simple to have a relationship with you, if only I felt that way about you. I know I can tell you anything, and you'll always love me. But no one could help me last year. No one wanted to talk about it, least of all me. I was depressed, angry, struggling with money, spending time with Dawn, and feeling helpless with all the life stuff, trying to be okay for everyone, and slay."
Buffy paused for a second to gather her thoughts. "Spike was the only one who could remotely understand what I was going through. He was always in the dark, and I was afraid I'd come back wrong and was part demon because I craved the dark. Being with him made it easier, and because of what we did together."
Xander blanched.
"He made me feel again. Like a human. But at the same time, I felt wretched. Our relationship was basically use and abuse. It was all badness. It was more my fault, too. He tried countless times to get close to me emotionally, but I wasn't interested, and because of his love for me, he put up with anything I dished out. I treated him horribly. When I realized what it was doing to me and him, I ended it. But I also realized that while I was better off, I had come to care for him."
Xander pulled away a bit at that and ran a hand through his hair.
"After he tried to.. rape me.. I was scared, shocked, and hurt. But I felt like I drove him to do that. When he was gone, I felt alone and I missed him. But when we saw each other again the other day, I felt a little fear, and oddly some happiness that he was back. I realized I had counted on him, felt like he was the only person I could confide in, and missed him when I thought he was gone for good. Anyway, he's different now. It's different, because he got his soul back for me, for what he did to me. He was horrified at what he tried to do."
Shock was written on Xander's face. Buffy sighed. "So, yes, I started to forgive him because he needs it, and he's earning it. I'm not sure how I feel about him currently. I'm sorry, Xander, for upsetting you and not giving you what I wish I could give you. I hope you can try to understand and forgive me."
There were tears in his eyes, and he wrapped his arms around Buffy.
"Buff, thank you for telling me. I just wish I had known what you'd been going through." He held her close, his best friend. Felt her tears soak through his shirt. "God, Xander, it was hard. I wish I had told you guys." He pulled away a little to look at her. "Buff, is he going to be sticking around?"
"I think so."
"Okay. I can't say I like him, or can forgive him what he did, or even accept this right away, but I want you to know I'm behind you. Always. I trust you."
Tremulous looks were exchanged, and then more hugging began.
"Hey Buffy, Dawn, Xander," Willow said hesitantly, a tentative smile on her face. That was enough to snap everyone out of it, and Xander went forward and wrapped his arms around her. As Willow laid her head on Xander's shoulder, Buffy and Dawn saw her chin tremble as she clung to him, her eyes full of tears. Buffy and Dawn came forward then, and they all found themselves in a soggy group hug. Willow was crying silently, and both Buffy and Dawn got teary. Even Xander looked close to tears, as he held onto his best friend.
Buffy pulled out of the hug. "Welcome home, Willow." Buffy gave her a watery smile, and Willow returned it. Buffy then turned to Giles and practically threw herself at him. God, she missed him so much. He was a father to her, and not having him around was so hard. His scratchy wool coat was comforting, and the way he hugged her, his hand stroking her hair, made her feel like a kid again – safe and loved. She looked up at him, saw him struggling to hold back some mushy emotions. "I missed you, Giles." He smiled, clearing his throat. "I missed you, too, Buffy."
After a few more moments of hugging all around, Buffy cleared her throat. "Okay, no more hugging or I'm never going to stop crying. Plus, the food's probably going all cold by now."
Awhile later, after everyone had eaten their fill, they were all sitting in the living room. Buffy, Willow, and Dawn were curled up on the couch, with Giles sitting in the armchair with a cup of tea, and Xander perched on the arm of the sofa. As Giles opened his mouth to speak, a banging came from the door. Before Buffy could even get up, it flew open, and a smoking, blanket-covered bundle hurtled into the house. As Spike dropped the blanket, and saw that everyone was there, he realized it could NOT end well. In the first few quiet seconds, he took in the range of emotions on everyone's face. Xander looked livid and ready to kill, Dawn looked much the same, yet there was another emotion there he couldn't quite place, Willow looked shocked and concerned, Giles looked annoyed, and Buffy... well, Buffy looked nervous.
Then pandemonium broke loose. "What the hell do you think you're doing here?!" Xander raged.
"Spike. What the.. where the.. ok, how could you do that to her, and ditch us?!" Dawn's voice shook.
"Spike? Ok, I'm obviously missing something here." Willow looked confused, noting the reactions of Dawn and Xander, much more exaggerated than they normally would have been.
"Spike. Get out." Giles voice was a quiet, angry command.
While all the commotion was going on, Buffy got fed up. "Quiet! Everyone!" Her voice cracked like a whip, effectively cutting off conversation. Everyone stared at her. "Spike. Wait in the kitchen please. I need to talk to everyone for a minute." He nodded and hurried out, glad to get away from the wild emotions raging in the room.
"Buffy, what the hell is going on? You look like you, well, knew he was back." Dawn looked so upset Buffy didn't chastise her for her language. "I did know he was back, Dawn." That admission cost her, by seeing her sister's face close off.
Before she could continue, Xander broke in. "Dammit, Buffy! After what he did to you, how can you not be angry? And why didn't you tell us?" He looked agitated, fingers clenching, eyes flashing sparks.
"I'm sorry I didn't say anything. I needed to work a few things out on my own." Buffy was starting to feel defensive, the way she always did when Xander threw his rage at her.
"While he figures out another way to hurt you? Or us? Or were you just excited to have your sex toy back?"
Buffy felt like she'd been slapped. "How dare you, Xander!?" Buffy's chin trembled, but she refused to cry, partly not to give him the satisfaction of knowing he'd hurt her, and partly because the anger was starting to bubble up. Before it could spill over, Willow interjected. "Hey, hey, calm down. Lets not start the name-calling."
Dawn stared coolly at her sister. "He has a point, though, Buffy." More angry words started flying around like little stinging bumblebees, until Giles whistled loudly. When everyone got quiet, he calmly said, "That's enough."
"Buffy, go into the dining room, take a breather, and calm down for a bit." He had noted that underneath the anger, she looked on the verge of tears. Buffy gratefully hurried out. When out of sight, she covered her face with her hands and cried silently. 'How did I let my life get so complicated?'
"Buffy. I'm sorry." A hand rested on her shoulder. She knew it was Spike. For once, he actually sounded sincere and non-snarky. "I didn't realize everyone would be here, or I wouldn't have bloody barged in like that."
"It's okay, you couldn't know." Buffy swiped at the tears on her cheeks.
He sighed. 'How do I always manage to bollocks things up worse than they already are whenever it comes to her?'
"Buffy. I'll leave now, if you want me to, but we have to meet soon. I have some important information for you."
"That might be best. We'll talk tonight. After everyone calms down a little." She felt twitchy being near him, and didn't want to examine too closely just why that was. He gave a brief nod. She handed him his blanket, and he disappeared out the door.
'Ok, now to assume crash position.' She headed back to the living room.
***Giles took his glasses off, cleaned them, rubbed his eyes then put the glasses back on. He took a good look at his slayer, his Buffy. Her chin was propped on her slender, supernaturally strong fists, shiny golden hair swinging around her pretty face. She looked... sad. Confused.
"Buffy. What was Spike doing here?"
Not meeting his eyes, she took a sip of the tea he made. "He's come back to make amends. He wants forgiveness."
Giles frowned at that. "Any particular reason why? Is it because of you? Did he do something to you?" He watched as she flushed and fidgeted. He knew Spike had hurt her just by the way she reacted.
"He.. hurt me. Before you came back. That's why he was gone when you got here." Buffy couldn't meet Giles's eyes, not really up to divulging what had happened.
"Can you be more specific?"
"Giles, can we just leave it? I'm sorry you had to find out that way he was back, but what happened between us is in the past, where it belongs. Plus, it's... private."
At the word private, Giles let it drop. It had happened last year, at the crux of Buffy's, well, sexual encounters with the vampire. He knew, instinctively, that it had to do with that because she had blushed. He had a sneaking suspicion what might have occurred, and he knew it could be a sore spot for her to talk about it. He also didn't want to discuss her sex life. Some things were best kept private, even between Watcher and Slayer.
***Later, Buffy went over to Xander's. She needed him to understand why she hadn't told anyone about Spike's return, and he would be the hardest to bring around. Willow had been easy, not just because she was Buffy's best friend or, being girls, they always understood each other. Unlike Xander, Willow never had a huge problem with the vampire, even though Spike had tried to kill her a few times. Dawn was upset, and wouldn't talk to Buffy, so she decided to put off the Dawn-talk till tonight.
Buffy knocked on Xander's door, shifting nervously. He opened the door and stared at her. "Can I talk to you, Xand?" He moved aside to let her in. Sitting on the sofa beside him, Buffy cleared her throat, and couldn't get the words out.
"Buffy. I don't understand." He looked sad, and a little angry.
"Xander. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I knew you wouldn't understand, so I took the easy way out."
"That hurts, Buffy." His dark eyes met hers dead on, and she felt worse. "He tried to kill us in the beginning, caused a lot of trouble, obsessed in a scary way over you, then you started boinking him and giving him hope, and he tried to rape you when you wouldn't give him anymore happies. I don't know why you'd choose him instead of..." He focused his eyes out the window. 'I don't know why you'd choose him instead of me.' That was the unspoken desire, Buffy knew. 'Oh, this is going to be hard.'
"Xander, there were so many times when I wished I felt the same way about you as you do about me." She had trouble meeting his eyes, but did so, because this conversation was long overdue, and he deserved that much. Bracing herself, she continued. "I trust you, respect you. You're loyal, an incredible friend, and brave. I love you, but it's a friend or a brother love. It would be so simple to have a relationship with you, if only I felt that way about you. I know I can tell you anything, and you'll always love me. But no one could help me last year. No one wanted to talk about it, least of all me. I was depressed, angry, struggling with money, spending time with Dawn, and feeling helpless with all the life stuff, trying to be okay for everyone, and slay."
Buffy paused for a second to gather her thoughts. "Spike was the only one who could remotely understand what I was going through. He was always in the dark, and I was afraid I'd come back wrong and was part demon because I craved the dark. Being with him made it easier, and because of what we did together."
Xander blanched.
"He made me feel again. Like a human. But at the same time, I felt wretched. Our relationship was basically use and abuse. It was all badness. It was more my fault, too. He tried countless times to get close to me emotionally, but I wasn't interested, and because of his love for me, he put up with anything I dished out. I treated him horribly. When I realized what it was doing to me and him, I ended it. But I also realized that while I was better off, I had come to care for him."
Xander pulled away a bit at that and ran a hand through his hair.
"After he tried to.. rape me.. I was scared, shocked, and hurt. But I felt like I drove him to do that. When he was gone, I felt alone and I missed him. But when we saw each other again the other day, I felt a little fear, and oddly some happiness that he was back. I realized I had counted on him, felt like he was the only person I could confide in, and missed him when I thought he was gone for good. Anyway, he's different now. It's different, because he got his soul back for me, for what he did to me. He was horrified at what he tried to do."
Shock was written on Xander's face. Buffy sighed. "So, yes, I started to forgive him because he needs it, and he's earning it. I'm not sure how I feel about him currently. I'm sorry, Xander, for upsetting you and not giving you what I wish I could give you. I hope you can try to understand and forgive me."
There were tears in his eyes, and he wrapped his arms around Buffy.
"Buff, thank you for telling me. I just wish I had known what you'd been going through." He held her close, his best friend. Felt her tears soak through his shirt. "God, Xander, it was hard. I wish I had told you guys." He pulled away a little to look at her. "Buff, is he going to be sticking around?"
"I think so."
"Okay. I can't say I like him, or can forgive him what he did, or even accept this right away, but I want you to know I'm behind you. Always. I trust you."
Tremulous looks were exchanged, and then more hugging began.