Chapter 4 Can Openers

Like a pair of gnats out of hell, two streaks of pastel zipped into the center of the Fairy Ring. There was a "bing!" sound and a few sparklies fell to the ground. Both Logan and St John looked, well, startled and struggled to escape as the two Fairies bore down on them. Oh yes they were an intimidating sight, all six inches of them. The one named George buzzed up and tapped Johnny between the eyes "What were you saying about F@*ken Fairies?!"

"George stop being an ass." said Cindy (that's the other fairy) giving him a black look.

"What? I thought…"

"Oh gods you've been thinking again." said Cindy "You're giving me a RSI from rolling my eyes. Don't push me George, I want you to ignore them, they are uncouth barbarians."

She floated up him and stuck her wand in his face; George put his hands up in an apologetic gesture.

"Hay, doen't let tha' Tinkaslut push yew aroun' mate!"

She frowned and then spun around to face the mutants.

"I must say, that particular comment did arouse my interest." Cindy glanced at the two, then smiled reptilian "You two do realise where you are don't you?

"Near Buffalo?" asked St John

"NO!" bellowed Cindy as she lashed at him with her wand.

St John sprang into Logan's arms for safety. The end of her wand looked like it had been made out of shards of glass.

"THAT'S RIGHT COWER IN FEAR! YOU TWO ARE…"

"Gonna kick you ass, sister."

"Nowe wurries, mate."

Cindy the Fairy turned toward the voices… "What the f@*k?"

And there before them, side by side, with their chests trust forward, arms folded in that universal heroic pose, lit by the glow of the dying fires, eyes narrowed into slits stood…

A rabbit and a really ugly squirrel.

"Whot deed yew saye?!!"

Oh sorry, mate! I mean a tree kangaroo. But they do look like a really ugly squirrel, ok not ugly but a bit weird anyway.

So continuing on with the story...

Cindy blinked and gave the two creatures a brittle smile "What pray tell, do you petting zoo rejects mean by that?"

"Eye am noe peittin zoo reject, mate! Eye am aye tru bluwe…"

"… We're Animal Sprit Guides, bub."

Both the rabbit and the tree roo exchanged looks, while the two Fairies basically laughed their heads off. It went on for a while.

Finally it bubbled down to a trickle.

"Are you done yet" said the rabbit

"I think so" said Cindy "except for one thing what are you…things… going to do? Give your "tourists" an encouraging, moral building pep talk and a pat on the back?"

"No." said the rabbit cool and calm like

"Well what then?" giggled Cindy

The rabbit proceeded to take from behind its back a very large can and a can opener.

"Hay mate, whots thes?" said the roo, motioning to the can opener.

"I was going to use it to open the can."

"Nah, doen't use that mate, use thes." and he produced a machete.

"Why thank you." said the rabbit

"Noe wurries, mate."

George buzzed close to the two animals "what is that?" he asked.

 "This is authentic, homemade wup-ass."

"In a can?"

"Yeap, inna can, and its allll for you and Rainbimbo up there." said the rabbit jerking his head at Cindy.

"So you are opening a great big…" Cindy murmured

"Yeap, opening a great big can of wup-ass on…" replied the rabbit taking aim.

"…Yew tou." said the roo with a sly smile.

Silence hung in the air.

And both Logan and St John thought that what was going on in front of them was the weirdest crap that they had ever seen in their entire lives, and they hoped to hell that things were not going to get any weirder. They looked deep into each others eyes; Logan drew in his breath and then dumped Johnny on the ground, put his fingers to his temple and shook his head. He was going to take action. Weird crap happening around him was one thing; f@*ken weird stuff happening to him was another. Logan got ready and met eyes with the rabbit of all things. It winked and did what it had promised. The can opened.

And boy it was an ass wupping I tell you that, but the Fairies sensing defeat opened up the gates to Fairy World which sucked both our heroes and their fuzzy little animal buddies in like a black hole tastefully decorated with pastels and dumped them on a big flat plain.

Luckily St John knew exactly where they were.

"How th' hell do you know w'ere we are?" grunted Logan rubbing his head, where St John had landed on it.

"Jus' becurse eye am crayze, dusen't mean eye kan't reud, mate." He gave Logan a sulky look.

A few feet away stood a large sign, it read "Itdoesn'tmatteryouarescrewedanyway" below it was a smaller sign it said "You are here" and had a large arrow pointing to the ground.

Logan got to his feet, and trod on the rabbit.

The tree kangaroo let out a long whistle.

Everyone stared at it.

"Yew are wun lucky bloke, mate." It gazed up at Logan with awe on its face.

Logan frowned, he almost felt like treading on it too. In fact he would probably feel better if he stood on everyone there twice, but the thread of the sentence had been left hanging and against his better judgment he said "What?"

"Weell the last bloke whowe stood on Bunnie got hes leg taken cleen off."

Logan looked down on the rabbit; it was grooming itself and frowning at him at the same time. Bunny growled.

"Mined yew Bunnie es yore Anemal Spuret Guyed mate."  The tree roo went on.

Logan clapped a hand to his forehead and wheeled away from them, oh god why him and why didn't he take the Professor's advice and get therapy, it would do him good to have a cry.

"Sowe," said St John "ef the rabbet…"

"That's Bunny." growled Bunny

"…ef  Bunnie is Meserey Guts' Anemal Spuret Guyed, then yore me fuzzey lettal mate, mate"

"Fair Dinkum, mate. The nayme's Snowee cobbar!" Snowy extended a paw.

"Sthruthe mate, eye used tou bee called that en skcool." St John gave it a shake. It was obvious that the two were going to become good mates. Johnny hadn't felt this good since he last used napalm.

So they began to reminisce of the Great Land Down Under, its wide, red and desolate deserts, filled with snakes. Spiders, scorpions and crocodiles. Sigh. Crack me open another Fosters mate.

Logan stole a peek over his shoulder at the rabbit. It was sitting, watching him through narrowed eyes. Another very un-rabbit growl rose up from inside of it. Logan looked away; this was more insane than The Gas Station Attendant.  

The muscle in his cheek started to twitch again. Boy he could really use a big drink right now.  

Another disclaimer: I own nothing except Cindy, George, Bunny and Snowy oh and Fairy world too.