As before: feedback much appreciated!
=YS=
[Happiness]
Part Two
He wrote to Ooishi in one of his email replies, "I know about Fuji."
Ooishi's response arrived within a few hours. He said they didn't want to tell him because they didn't want him to worry. He's so far away and can't do anything to help, and they knew this would frustrate him.
He didn't write to Ooishi to accuse or complain. He understands their motives, and it is true that he can't do much when he's so far away. That is why Fuji is here with him now, in London. He doesn't tell Ooishi about it; he is sure his friends will find out sooner or later, from Yumiko.
He doesn't know exactly what he can do, but he is going to do something to help Fuji. A change of environment, without seeing his shattered parents or needing to take care of anyone except himself, should do Fuji some good.
Gradually Fuji begins to rebuild himself.
And Tezuka begins his own destruction.
Fuji sits on his bed and watches his sister and Tezuka pack his suitcase. Yumiko explains, although Fuji hasn't asked, that she has told their parents, sorted out his plane tickets and dealt with his university. He will be taking time off. She says he doesn't need to worry about home, she'll be able to manage it on her own. It's even better, she says with a laugh, if he isn't around to cause trouble.
Tezuka thinks he sees tears in Yumiko's eyes when Fuji smiles at her.
Tezuka stays in Fuji's room for the night. They will fly morning the next day.
Fuji keeps himself busy, finding something for Tezuka to sleep in since he came without even a travel bag, then makes him tea and brings it to the room. He sets out extra bedding on the floor and lays down before Tezuka says anything, so Tezuka has no choice but to use the bed.
In the past, before Yuuta's tragedy, Fuji would have made some suggestive remarks, then give Tezuka a closed-eye smile as if he hasn't just said anything at all. And even further in the past, Fuji would have knelt beside the bed and played with Tezuka's fingers, saying how long and beautiful they are, as he had that time Tezuka fell ill during his first year in high school and Fuji, still a boy then, went to his home to visit him.
Things have changed now.
Fuji's playful and half-hearted advances have been... he wouldn't say embarrassing or difficult to handle, only they sadden him, reminding him of the way things once were. But even now, if Tezuka can choose again, he would still do what he had done back then.
"I understand. Thank you for the last two years, Tezuka."
Fuji said that with a smile, and simply walked away with his head held high, the way Tezuka knew he would. He isn't proud, but he is strong and would never let himself become a victim. Because of exactly that, whenever Tezuka looks back to that time in his life, he thinks he has exploited on Fuji's kindness, understanding and strength. If Fuji wasn't like this, if he said he didn't want things to end, maybe Tezuka would have relented. But Fuji was too strong, too considerate, and he made things easy for Tezuka.
But Tezuka doesn't regret his decision. Although it had hurt deeply, it was the right thing to do.
But had he done it too late or not, Tezuka would never know. He called an end to their relationship as soon as he realised it had to be done, but was it too late? Had things already gone too deep between them? People say that relationships from the teenage would never last and are quickly forgotten. One doesn't even know how to love, when one is so young. The best has yet to come, they say. Tezuka doesn't know if any of it is true. All he knows is that since then, he hasn't yet found another person he wants to be as close and intimate with as he had with Fuji. There is a very fine young lady, a daughter of his mother's friend, whom he sees every fortnight or so, and Tezuka does like her, but...
He frowns and turns his thoughts elsewhere. He doesn't want to think about that complication right now.
None of Fuji's relationships have lasted more than two months. Tezuka hears about them from Kikumaru, who assumes Tezuka and himself are Fuji's closest friends and so he can discuss these things with him. Fuji doesn't talk about these things; when Kikumaru asks him, he always says "she isn't right for me", and leaves it at that. Kikumaru once told Tezuka that he is worried about Fuji. Fuji is not a playboy - he is faithful and treats every one of his girlfriends very well - but it is as if he can never go from "liking" someone to "loving" someone. But this isn't healthy, Kikumaru said, and why is Fuji bothering in the first place when it's almost for sure it won't last?
Tezuka remembers giving a blank look to Kikumaru then, who laughed and said "Oh yeah, Captain doesn't even do relationships, I shouldn't be asking you nyan!"
Kikumaru doesn't know about what Tezuka and Fuji had. No one knows except Echizen, who found out by chance and Saeki, their childhood friend. Both have kept it quiet and even now, when they talk about Fuji's pretty girlfriend during their monthly gatherings, Echizen doesn't even look Tezuka's way, pretending not to know anything at all.
Tezuka thinks Echizen would probably snicker his way to death when he finds out he has flown back to take Fuji to London with him. Indeed what he is doing isn't the most logical solution, but if this had been Ooishi, Inui, or even Echizen, Tezuka would have done the same thing. He doesn't believe in hurting people, or standing there watching people being hurt. It is something drilled into him by his mother, who asks for very little from her son beside to be a good person, someone who cares and tries to make a difference.
This was why, when he was hit by his senpai in Seigaku Jr. High, he almost quitted the tennis club; he didn't want to be in the same place as someone who hurts other like that. He knows certain sacrifices have to be made to help his friends - gambling his arm to help Echizen break through, to teach his team what it means to strive for a goal and how to win - but if there is something he can do, he is willing to pay the price. If coming back to Japan to take Fuji away is going to help him, then that is what Tezuka will do. What it costs is a very small price to pay for a very important friend.
Yes, they were each other's most important friend and they will always be, no matter what has happened between them. Tezuka knows this is one of those undeniable facts of his life.
There is one other fact of his life that involves Fuji. It exists deep inside Tezuka in the form of a wound. Sometimes he think it is like rheumatism - it doesn't bother him most of the time, but occasionally it hurts, the pain so deep it paralyses him, and all he can do is curl up and endure it, until the burning sensation subsides. Then he would stand up, straighten himself and go on as if nothing happened, until the next round of assault cripples him again.
Over the years, Tezuka has learned there is nothing he can do but to endure it all.
Half an hour after the lights were switched off, Tezuka lays still on the bed, willing himself to sleep. His body is tired but his mind is working on overdrive, and if this keeps up, he will not get any rest before tomorrow's flight.
Then he hears clothes and sheets rustling, and Fuji getting up as noiselessly as he can, opening the door only enough to slip out. Tezuka waits. Five. Ten. Fifteen minutes. Finally he gets up to check. Fuji is not in the bathroom, so there is only one other place he may be in.
Fuji is sitting on the Yuuta bed, leaning against the wall. He doesn't acknowledge Tezuka's presence as he knocks and enters the room.
"Fuji, we have a flight to catch early tomorrow. Go to sleep."
Fuji turns to Tezuka and smiles at him. Perhaps it is the atmosphere, perhaps it is the smile, Tezuka finds himself curling his fingers, then squeezing his hands into tight fists to resist the urge to slap Fuji across the face. But he keeps his composure. That may be the most direct method to wake Fuji up, but it may not be the most effective in the long run. And he doesn't really want to hit anyone, not really. There is a difference between a sudden urge and a genuine desire.
Instead, he tells Fuji he doesn't have to smile if he doesn't want to.
And then Fuji just stares at him, his face for a moment completely blank, the smile dropped from his lips. The corners of his mouth twitch, but no smile, not even any expression, comes to his face.
Like a key brick has been pulled out, his wall begins to crumble. Fuji brings his knees toward his chest, curling up. He buries his face in his knees, and a sound of laughter breaks out of him. He laughs hard until he feels the tears start to come, then he cries. He laughs and he cries and he doesn't know which one he wants to do so he does both. At least finally he can cry; he hasn't been able to for the last six week and he couldn't find a way to release what has built up inside.
He sneaks a look at Tezuka, as if wanting to say something but cannot find his voice. He cannot find ways to express himself now.
Tezuka thinks he hears Fuji whisper his brother's name, just once, between gasped breaths. He cries so hard he cannot breathe, just the way he did inside the tunnel on the night Yuuta died. Personally Tezuka can't remember when it was the last time he cried himself, it must have been before he reached teenage. He can't remember what it feels like. He doesn't know if this is a good thing for Fuji right now, but people say tears are needed for one to deal with his grief, so he stays quiet, but he takes a step closer to the bed to make sure Fuji knows he is still there.
When the crying subsides, Tezuka tells Fuji to get up. Fuji doesn't react, taking deep breaths, his body shaking, his face twisting as if he is in a different world where everything hurts and he can't snap out of it. He curls up tighter. In the dark he seems to be shrinking, fading away. He opens his eyes, gaping at Tezuka, and he opens his lips. His mouth moves but no sound comes out.
"Get up."
Tezuka goes forward and grabs Fuji by his wrist, and he yanks hard, forcing Fuji to leave the bed. Fuji cries out in shock, as if something burns him, but he lets himself be led into the bathroom, where Tezuka makes him wash his face.
Exhaustion from a mad rush of hormones takes over Fuji. His knees buckle, so he holds onto the sink for support. Whimpering, he closes his eyes as if the world is spinning around him and it hurts to look. He tries to stand up straight but something is pushing him down, like a heavy weight on his shoulders, telling him it is okay to rest on the bathroom floor just for tonight. He tries again, but his limbs won't work and he can barely hold himself up.
Finally, Fuji opens his eyes to look to Tezuka for help. The moment light floods into his eyes, the spinning starts again, and he falls.
Strong hands catch Fuji before he lands like a boneless mass.
The next time he opens his eyes, he is in his own bed and Tezuka is waking him up. It is a bright, chilly morning, and they are going to London.
As far as Tezuka can tell, Fuji is trying. He thinks he has been trying all along, but he couldn't do it at home. He couldn't help his family and help himself at the same time, so he made a choice between the two, doing his best to keep everything running and keeping a happy front for his parents, even if it is a facade that couldn't hold in front of his sister. It was at night, when his parents were asleep and all was quiet, that grief weighed down on him and Yumiko knew this. She asked Tezuka not to leave her brother alone at night time.
Tezuka doesn't know what Fuji does during the day. Fuji has a set of keys, a streetmap, an Underground map, a London guidebook and a mobile phone. He leaves the house after Tezuka every morning, but he comes back before dinner time, keeping to the curfew that Tezuka has set him.
Sometimes looking at Fuji planning his next day on the maps, and the folded corners of his guidebook, Tezuka can tell where his friend has gone to, and it is obvious Fuji is avoiding nightspots, or places better seen at nighttime.
Three days after taking Fuji to London, Tezuka receives emails from his friends. Kikumaru wrote "CAPTAIN YOU ROCK! Now take care of Fujiko or I'll BEAM you!!" and from Ooishi, "Obviously you're the Mother of Seigaku, not me".
Tezuka writes back, telling them to run laps. He is capable of humour every now and then, especially when it saves him from having to make any explanations or justifications.
Other Seigaku friends also know that Fuji has gone to London, and although it isn't normal for him to go on a holiday at this time of year, no one has asked anything. Not that Tezuka would feel obliged to explain for Fuji, but he is glad they're keeping quiet and respecting Fuji's privacy, something Tezuka is also trying to do, for grief is a very personal thing.
At night, when he lays in the sofa-bed in the living room and hear Fuji move around in the small flat, obviously restless, Tezuka wonders if he should go and check. Is that going to help, or would it look like he's invading Fuji's personal space? He doesn't know if he is offering just a place for Fuji to learn to deal with his grief, or if he should be offering a bit more support. And even if he should, what can Tezuka offer? He is a best friend who once was more than that. There is a line Tezuka should stop at but he doesn't know where the line is.
Tezuka isn't sleeping as well as he did before, even with extensive physical exertion during the day. But that is fine for him, it isn't something important compared with everything else right now.
Little by little, Fuji is getting onto his feet with his own strength. Half a month after coming to London, he is beginning to send postcards home, and toothpastes to Kikumaru. Kikumaru and Yumiko write emails to Tezuka, thanking him over and over for helping Fuji.
But there are still no conversations between them, and Fuji is still tense, restless and unstable at night. He agreed to use Tezuka's bedroom because he needed his own space and privacy, but the thin walls in the small flat can hardly mask any sounds at all.
It doesn't happen every night, but Tezuka does hear Fuji cry. It's more a controlled sobbing, nothing like what he did the night before he came to London, but it is still the sound of a broken heart, a bleeding wound.
And slowly, gradually, Tezuka can feel his own wound resurfacing, and there seems to be no way of stopping it. Silently he bears it, until Fuji comes over one night, when Tezuka is thoroughly exhausted but cannot sleep, and carelessly, unknowingly rips it open.
Tezuka has woken to the unmistakable sound of tears. Checking the time, it is only four hours before morning. He hears a door opening, followed by soft footsteps. Fuji is going to wash his face.
But after the click that indicates the bathroom light has been flicked off, Tezuka doesn't hear Fuji going back to the bedroom. Instead, after a lengthy pause, Fuji goes to the living room.
The small creaking sound and slight tilt of the mattress tells Tezuka Fuji has sat down on his bed.
Fingers touch his shoulder tentatively. Tezuka debates with himself if Fuji is trying to wake him up, and decides to wait for a clearer sign.
And then Fuji slips into the bed and curls up behind him, resting his forehead on the back of Tezuka's shoulder.
Perhaps it would be better to stay quiet; perhaps it is just tonight Fuji feels a need to be with someone; perhaps Fuji still...
Tezuka reminds himself of the line he had drawn between himself and Fuji. That needs to stay there. Biting his lip, he shifts a little, and whispers, "Fuji - "
A tremor runs through the body behind Tezuka. Fuji is shaking his head, his hands grasping and twisting the bed covers.
"Please... just for tonight."
Tezuka has never thought the first words he hears from Fuji after such a long time would be such a desperate request.
And then, suddenly, Tezuka understands. "Did you have a bad dream?"
Fuji nods once, slowly, his body still shaking from the reminiscence of whatever he saw in his dream.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry Tezuka. Please let me stay here. I'm sorry."
Fuji's badly shaken voice pleads with Tezuka. He is truly frightened. This isn't the Fuji Tezuka normally sees or knows. Hardly anything at all can ever scare Fuji, much less to such a state.
Finally, Tezuka makes a small sound of agreement. He can handle his own issues and own pain, but Fuji can't right now, so if it helps him feel better, Tezuka can give up certain things, including the rest of his sleep, which he knows he isn't going to get.
Fuji whispers a grateful "thank you", but after several minutes, he is still stiff and his breath trembles.
Tezuka can't stand it anymore.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks, his back still to his friend. He isn't going to turn back to look at Fuji's face now; seeing Fuji's vulnerable state will break his line of defense.
After a few moments, Fuji finds his voice.
For seven years, his parents blamed him for Yuuta choosing to live in a boarding school instead of home. His father used to complain to the rest of the family, in front of Syusuke, that the family was hardly ever together, that his youngest son never called home, hinting that he'd rather see more of Yuuta than Syusuke. Yuuta was such a lovely boy, he would say, whereas Syusuke looked like a girl, his skin so pale, his voice so soft. Syusuke was so strange and secretive, hiding in his room half the time, even though Syusuke tried very hard to please him and tucked himself away only because he knew his father didn't want to see him. His mother was not open about it, but she never corrected her husband.
It wasn't just his parents who loved Yuuta. Syusuke too, and he always tried to get Yuuta to come home. But even after he started accepting his elder brother again, Yuuta preferred spending more time at St. Rudolph. He liked the boarding life. After St. Rudolph, Yuuta begged with his parents to let him go to a boarding high school and in the end they let him because it made him happy, but they couldn't accept the concept that Yuuta was an outward-going child who wanted to spend time with friends more than with his own family.
"They said it's because of me Yuuta still didn't want to come home, that I pulled the family apart." Fuji takes a deep breath, his voice barely a whisper. "I saw it in their eyes. It's my fault that Yuuta's dead. He was with me. I took him out to dinner. Why didn't I help him? Why am I the one still alive? They'd much rather Yuuta lived and I died. I'd much rather be the one to die too, at least they'd think of me as the son who'd done something right in the end."
Tezuka doesn't deny what Fuji says about his parents. He did suspect something was wrong. When the funeral was being organised, Tezuka was shocked to find out that they didn't plan to take Fuji there even though he could already travel around in a wheelchair, nor did they consider leaving someone to stay with their son during such a traumatic time, especially when it was so obvious that Syusuke loved his brother very much. It felt as if Yuuta's death is more important to them than the fact that Syusuke is still alive. Tezuka's mind had screamed then. That wasn't right.Yuuta's death was tragic, but it should always be the living who are more important.
But the parents had left their remaining son out of the loop completely.
At that time he thought it was only because of emotional trauma that Fuji's parents acted that way, but he now sees why Yumiko so quickly and easily agreed to send her brother away. It was Syusuke, not Yuuta, whom her parents pretended never existed. There was simply no way Syusuke could get better in such an environment, suffering from grief, survivor's guilt as well as years and years of unhappiness and accusations.
Tezuka knew sometimes Fuji's smile means nothing except politeness, and he has his own share of misery, but who would have thought it goes so far back, originating from a brother whom he loved so much? Yuuta couldn't have known any of this; his brother loved him too much to let him know the burden and damage his extroverted spirit has caused.
"Yuuta was very lucky to have you as a brother."
Tezuka can offer no words of comfort. He never could, it's not in his nature to say things that are meant to comfort - he's too realistic and direct. But he can say this, because it is the truth.
"I..." Fuji's voice fades away for a moment, then it comes back again, slightly stronger and steadier than it was before. "Thank you. And I'm sorry."
Tezuka closes his eyes. "Don't think about anyone but yourself now. You're here so that you can be on your own."
"On my own?" For the first time, Fuji sounds faintly amused. "But you're here too. The two of us."
Tezuka says his friend's name with a slight warning in his voice. But he is glad and relieved. This sounds more like the Fuji he knows, although the words were forced and the body behind him still shakes.
"I was just teasing. I... just for tonight, Tezuka. I'm sorry."
Tezuka does not say anything.
"I'll go before morning. Just... until I don't see my family..." Fuji says, his voice dying down once again, barely audible. "or Yuuta's blood... and brain exposed his crushed skull... when I close my eyes."
Tezuka suppresses a shudder he gets from the mental picture.
"Fuji... give me your hand."
Fuji hesitates, wondering what Tezuka means, and he holds his hand out, just above his friend's body. Without looking back, Tezuka takes the hand into his own and winds the arm around his waist, pulling Fuji close to himself.
"Just for tonight." He tells Fuji.
Behind him, Fuji nods.
With the nod, the old wound inside Tezuka begins to bleed.
[to part three]
