Happiness
Part Four
He feels something inside him falls apart as he listens to the words from Fuji's lips, slurred but still sure. His mind screams in pain, but his body cannot move, every word Fuji speaks pinning him down, every self-depreciating remark and every bitter smile stabbing at him like sharp blades, small yet deadly.
And just when he thinks he cannot take it anymore, Fuji's last few words push those blades all the way in.
"I won't ask for anything more, except your happiness."
"Captain." Fuji speaks softly, stopping at the door, a mug of hot tea in his hands and a small smile on his lips.
Like a child caught doing something he shouldn't, Tezuka almost jumps. Fuji hasn't called him by that nickname since coming to London.
"Sorry. I'm done." He says, looking up from the screen. Except for using his computer and getting his clothes, Tezuka doesn't enter the bedroom anymore. He has let Fuji take over it entirely.
"It's okay, I'm not going to sleep yet. You looked a bit... mortified, staring at the screen, so..." Fuji strolls in noiselessly. "Am I causing you trouble?"
Tezuka takes his glasses off to wipe them. "Why do you say that?"
"Just a guess." Fuji chuckles warmly. "You have a habit of doing that with your glasses when people hit a touchy subject, did you know?"
Tezuka's hands freeze mid-action, then with a sigh, he puts the glasses back on and hastily closes his email programme as Fuji walks close to put down the mug of tea for him.
"Just - "
"Don't worry about anyone except myself?" Fuji's chuckle bubbles over into gentle laughter. "So I am the cause of the problem then."
Sometimes Tezuka wishes his friend was a little less smart. He shakes his head, refusing the bait.
"Let me guess." Fuji puts his hand behind his back, smiling ruefully. "Your girlfriend wants to come over?"
Dark, blue eyes meet hazel brown ones. Tezuka looks away first.
"Logical deduction, Captain." Fuji offers before Tezuka asks. "If I'm causing you trouble... it has to be your girlfriend. Christmas holiday has started. She wants to come over and spend it with you."
Why is it that Fuji can be so perceptive?
"I'll go home."
Tezuka stares, his lips parting, but he has no words.
"I don't want to give you problems." His friend smiles brightly, blue eyes squeezing shut. "And aren't we best friends? You could just tell me, Tezuka. I won't get annoyed or anything."
Fuji takes a few steps back, keeping his smiles in place, hiding his eyes under unruly bangs. Tezuka pushes his chair back and stands. He can't let Fuji leave. Fuji can't go back to his family, still with emotional problems and without a plan for his future. Fuji being here is a necessity.
"I'm fine now. You don't need to baby-sit me anymore." Talking as if the decision is made, Fuji heads for the door.
"Fuji!" Tezuka calls behind his friend. He has hardly said a word and that's it? Fuji is leaving?
"Ah, I miss Yumiko-neechan too."
Tezuka takes quick, long strides after Fuji, following him out to the living room, into the kitchen, but just as he reaches out to catch him, Fuji turns around, already flinching back.
"Get your priorities right, Tezuka." Others may miss the slight hitch in the voice, but Tezuka knows the words are forced out. He knows Fuji. "I've said this before. There's a limit to how nice you should be to your friends."
Tezuka's hand stops short of touching his friend, stops short of the line between them.
He lets it drop to his side.
Perhaps... it's better this way.
For the first time since coming to London, Fuji breaks the curfew, leaving the flat shortly after speaking with Tezuka without an explanation. He comes back half an hour later, cradling a medium-sized paper bag in his arms. He doesn't hide it from Tezuka, who knows there is alcohol inside. But Tezuka isn't worried; Fuji isn't the type to get himself drunk over things. Fuji never gets drunk anyway.
But it means Fuji still isn't sleeping well, two months into his stay here.
When he thinks about it, he knows the only time Fuji truly slept well was when they shared the sofa-bed after Fuji had a nightmare. It was a Saturday, Tezuka didn't have to go to tennis school, so he laid awake, with both of Fuji's arms having found their way around him at some point during the night, until he woke at midday.
Tezuka tells himself that doesn't mean anything. Fuji needs someone to sleep with, but not necessarily him. Fuji needs reassurance and comfort, but that is not up to him to give. There is a limit. He mustn't get too close now.
But two hours later he finds himself knocking on the bedroom door Fuji has closed, his friend's words on leaving London and the sight of the paper bag whispering caution in the back of his mind.
Fuji opens the door a minute later, his face completely flushed, and eyes dark. He loses his balance once, then holds on to the door and stands properly again.
"Captain... I think I overdid it a bit..."
Scanning the room and counting the bottles, Tezuka thinks "a bit" is an underestimation, even for Fuji.
"You should get some proper medication instead." He suppresses a frown before it surfaces, keeping his face neutral. Nobody needs any anger or argument right now. "You're actually drunk?"
"Maybe I am. I feel a little tipsy." Fuji gives a lop-sided smile and walks to the bed, leaving his friend at the door. "I'll just sleep it away."
At least he is admitting he drank too much, so he is not completely out of it yet. Tezuka helps Fuji into the bed, pulling the duvet over him.
"Fuji... you can't go home when you're still like this."
Fuji's words slur slightly as he responds. "The decision... is mine to make. I don't want to be your burden."
Burden. Fuji can't mean that. "I haven't sent her a reply yet. I'm going to tell her to stay in Japan."
Tezuka realises he means his words. Even if Fuji insists on going home, he doesn't want Hinako to come over. He doesn't want to, and can't deal with it right now. He likes Hinako but... like Fuji with his past girlfriends, he doesn't love her. He can't love her no matter how hard he tried.
"That's stupid... turning down a woman who offers to spend Christmas with you. Christmas in a western country. That's such a nice idea." Fuji moves around until he settles into a comfortable position, wrapped in the thick duvet, his back turned to Tezuka.
Fuji has wanted to spend Christmas here with him so much.
"That's not the point. You need to stay here and she doesn't."
Fuji's eyes slide close, and he doesn't reply. Tezuka is just starting to wonder if he has fallen asleep when he speaks again.
"Hm, Tezuka..." Fuji turns to lay on his back.
"What?" Tezuka sits down on the edge of the bed and leans closer to hear the whispered words.
"I want to tell you something."
Fuji dreams of his brother every night. Sometimes it is a good dream. Other times, he wakes up wishing he never fell asleep.
In the good dreams, Yuuta tells him things. He told Fuji he was an idiot to talk to Tezuka like that, that night in the kitchen. He said, "Aniki, you're being rude and ungrateful." He said Fuji was greedy and wanted more of something he couldn't have, that he pretended to be good and civil, pretended to be stepping back whilst hoping in his heart Tezuka would give chase. Yuuta told his brother to stop his cheap tactics before it ruins the lasts of what is between them.
"I told you I'm not angry." Tezuka whispers, but Fuji shakes his head with a smile that says he hasn't finished yet.
"Yuuta's going to be so mad at me. I just tried to do something ridiculous..."
Fuji believes in Tezuka, he trusts everything Tezuka says because that is what Tezuka is. Tezuka doesn't lie, and he doesn't make decisions hastily. He understands when Tezuka told him "it's not working" when they broke up, then it meant it wasn't working, at least not on Tezuka's side.
But sometimes in the back of his mind, questions plague him. Tezuka didn't elaborate on the reason; it was something he honestly didn't want to discuss that caused his decision. Fuji wonders if it was something he did, or something he hadn't done, that led things to their end. Tezuka doesn't hate him. They remain best friends. So was it something Tezuka wanted, but Fuji couldn't give?
"I don't know what I was thinking, but I planned on getting myself drunk."
He remembers that one time during high school, not long before Tezuka fell ill, in his house when his family was away, Tezuka had asked for sex. He had crushed his mouth to Fuji's and slid warm hands under his shirt, letting them roam over the trembling body. Then he trailed wet kisses along Fuji's neck, tugged at his belt and the top of his jeans, and with a coarse voice he simply asked, "Fuji... Can I?"
Fuji had panicked and pushed him away. He didn't know what to do. They had done intimate things; how he had clung onto Tezuka last time and bit on his shoulder to stop himself from crying out as the taller boy slipped a hand down his khakis and stroked him was still vivid in his mind. But real sex? He barely knew enough on how to do it with a girl, he had no idea how he could do it with Tezuka.
And then Tezuka apologised. Fuji just shook his head and said he was sorry, it was his problem, not Tezuka's.
They had been together for over two years. Tezuka had waited all this time and Fuji said no. Perhaps that's why...
In his dreams, Yuuta told him to stop being stupid. Tezuka isn't like that, Fuji knows this. But he can't help thinking, if they did have sex... maybe it would change Tezuka's mind.
"But I just can't do it, knowing your heart is elsewhere and you aren't interested in me anymore. I thought if I'm drunk enough, then I can."
But in the end Fuji couldn't even get himself drunk; he hadn't bought enough drinks. He sat in the bed, staring at the empty bottles, angry and frustrated, but his mind began to work. He realised he couldn't do it. What made him think like that in the first place? If he really does carry it through, Fuji doubts he would ever be able to live with himself in the future. Yuuta would be so upset if his brother ever stooped so low. And Tezuka wouldn't even want him as a friend if he tried anything like that.
"Are you angry with me now? I wanted to make you betray your girlfriend." Fuji's smile is nothing short of brilliant. "That's so low of me."
Something burns in Tezuka's chest, spreading up to his nose, the corners of his eyes. He thinks he's going to cry, for the first time in his memory. But he reigns in his emotions, like he has always done. "No... no. I know I owe you an explanation. It wasn't sex. Don't ever think that. I..."
Is he going to have to tell Fuji the truth? That it isn't going to work because of his family? But Fuji will never move on then, knowing it had been a reluctant decision and Tezuka still loves him. Is he going to have to lie? What excuse can he give that Fuji will believe?
He takes off his glasses and pinches the bridge of his nose, taking his eyes off Fuji's intense staring. He hates seeing people inflicting pain on others but here he is, doing it to Fuji. He had thought Fuji would move on; he had thought both of them would move on in a couple of months. And yet three years later they are still standing here, staring at the line between them and asking themselves why.
"It's fine if you don't want to explain." Fuji says with a meaningless smile. "I've thought about it. As long as you're happy. As long as you've found someone who can bring a smile to your face, then that's enough for me."
After a short pause, he continues, "When we were together, you always had this little smile on your face. But it's not there when you look at me now, so I know I don't make you happy anymore. But I hope she does."
The dull pain that has already numbed Tezuka splinters like a glass globe, into countless pieces, the shards embedding into him. Not like this. It's not like this. He wants to scream, but instead, after taking deep, yet shaky breaths, he manages to speak with a calm voice. "Just think about yourself..."
The body in the bed turns way again, curling up.
"It does affect me though."
"Fuji - "
"Whatever makes you happy is right." Fuji whispers, closing his eyes once again, his soft voice dying away. "I just want you to be happy. That's all. I don't want you to make sacrifices for me. I won't ask for anything more, except your happiness."
Tezuka goes to the 24-hours store and buys fruit juices. When Fuji wakes up, he will want something sweet to drown the aftertaste in his mouth that no amount of brushing can kill.
And then, after sitting down and thinking for a moment, he goes into the bedroom and takes Fuji's passport away.
He sits down again.
Has he done everything he should do?
No. He glances at the phone beside him, and with dread but not hesitation, he picks it up to make a call to Japan.
He would much prefer to do this face to face, because she deserves as much, but she doesn't deserve to be held back by a man who doesn't love her, and there are still many months before he goes back. Hinako doesn't take it well, but she seems to understand what Tezuka is telling her: it's not working. He has tried and it's not working.
Putting the phone down, the flat returns to silence.
It's not working. No, after three years of hiding, running away, turning his back to himself, it has come down to this: nothing he has done has changed anything. Will he ever be able to marry? Will he even be able to fall in love with someone apart from the one sleeping in his bed right now?
It probably really is fate, karma, whatever his mother called it, that he isn't meant to be with anyone else.
His mother's face comes to mind, tormented and almost grief-stricken, asking Tezuka why he let go of what was right, what made him happy.
Whatever makes you happy is right.
No, it wasn't right. He can't take what he wants at the cost of his family, no matter what they say.
The sudden ringing of the phone brings Tezuka's mind back. He wonders who would call at this hour, and picks it up.
"Kunimitsu?"
"Mother." Without his glasses to fidget, Tezuka rubs his forehead a few times. "How're you?"
"Hinako-chan's mother called me just now." Hearing this, Tezuka knows what is coming. Hinako's mother and his mother are friends; that's how they knew each other in the first place. "What's going on? Just the other day she asked me if it'd be okay for her to go to London, and nothing seemed wrong then."
Tezuka bit his lip. "I told her not to come. I - I've just broken up with her. Sorry, I've put you into a difficult position. Is she okay?"
For a moment, there is nothing but silence from the other side of the phone. And then he hears a soft sigh. "I don't know. She's locked herself in her room and won't talk to anyone. But Kunimitsu, you're my son - you're more important to me than my friend or her daughter. There's no such thing as a difficult position. Don't worry about that."
"I'm sorry."
If Tezuka has done better, then he would have given his mother a grandchild by now. But he can't be with someone he doesn't love. That would be just too cruel to whoever he marries in the end.
He tries to think of something to say, but the sudden sounds of smashing glass coming from the bedroom make him jump.
What is Fuji doing?
He ignores his mother's worried question about the strange noises and tells her he'll call her back. Running into the room, he sees Fuji sitting up, a hand running through his hair. When he sees Tezuka, he smiles apologetically. He has caught the bottles on the nightstand with his duvet.
Tezuka doesn't roll his eyes or breathe a sigh of relief - he has had enough emotions running through him in one night to feel relieved at anything. He just leaves the room to get something to clean up the broken glass, telling Fuji to stay in the bed in case he steps on a sharp piece with his bare feet. Fuji tries to stay awake as Tezuka sweeps the floor, but soon he loses to the alcohol in his blood.
Tezuka calls his mother back fifteen minutes later.
"Fuji is here." He explains even before his mother asks, because he knows she would. "He just broke something, that's all."
"Kunimitsu..." His mother takes a moment to digest the information he just offered, and comes up with one question. "How long has he been there?"
"A couple of weeks... almost two months. Mother, he's not the reason I broke up with Hinako. Fuji... he's been having problems since his brother died. I'm trying to help him."
"But all the way in London?"
"It's somewhat a family problem, a..." Tezuka cannot help sighing this time, "a family secret, if I can put it that way, that his sister entrusted to me. I've promised her to look after Fuji until he gets better. It's complicated..."
"It's okay. I believe you."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about this."
"If it's something to do with his family's private matters, then you did the right thing." He can hear the smile in his mother's voice. "You're just like your father, a compassionate soul under that indifferent exterior. You're just better looking and smarter."
"Mother..." Tezuka grumbles, something he only ever does with his mother.
This time, his mother laughs. "Even the way you get embarrassed. Just the same."
"... You were the one who always told me to treat people - "
" - the way you'd like yourself be treated. Yes, but Kunimitsu... is my son smiling? Is he treating himself well? Is he happy, or is he just trying to make me happy?"
Tezuka tilts his head back into the sofa, gazing up at the ceiling. He doesn't answer.
"Don't break any more hearts, Kunimitsu. Hinako-chan's the second girl. I don't want to see more casualties. Girls' hearts are very delicate things."
Tezuka holds the phone to his ear with one hand and covers his eyes with the other. Guilt rises within him, knowing what he has done to Hinako. It was a doomed thing to begin with, and he knew it. But he really didn't intend to hurt her.
"You've given it three years. I know you've been trying all this time to do something for your father and I, but I've missed my son's smile for three years already." A pause. "Kunimitsu?"
"Yes, mother?"
"It's enough. No more sacrificing other people's and your own happiness for us."
"... You and Fuji talk the same way."
"That means Fuji-kun loves you very much, just as I do." His mother replies gently. "When you sacrifice yourself for those who love you, you're only hurting them in the end."
Tezuka wants to say something, but he doesn't know what. Every word he hears makes sense to him, but putting them all together gives a picture too ideal, too unrealistic for him to believe. Can he really keep on going anymore, looking for someone else to love and in the end hurt another woman, hurt himself, and as his mother said, hurt those who love him as well? Or can he do what she is suggesting he should do? Can he take this risk? What will happen to Fuji if he does?
"Do you understand what I'm talking about?"
He does. But how can he do it? His father wants children. He wants his only son to carry on the family. Tezuka can't do this to him. Perhaps he isn't as close to him as he is to his mother, but he loves and respects, even fears his father, the ordinary-looking salaryman who once did the extraordinary and brought his son to the Swiss Alps to teach him the meaning of hard work, perseverance, pushing one's own limit... what it takes to be a man.
Disappointing his father is one thing Tezuka just cannot do. He simply cannot imagine what will happen when his father finds out. Will he ever let him set foot inside the house? Will he disown him?
"If you're worrying about your father and grandfather," His mother says, as if reading Tezuka's mind, "it won't be easy. It's probably going to take months, years, to make them accept this. But one day they'll understand, when they see you're happy. In the meanwhile, I'll be on your side."
Gripping the phone tight in his hand, Tezuka bends forward on the sofa, lowering his face to his knees. He can't think at all.
"I know your father. He will come around eventually. But you have to prepared for whatever happens during the time inbetween."
There is so much confidence in his mother's voice Tezuka cannot help but believe her. Make his family understand. They'll accept it, when they see this is truly the right thing for him. It'll take time and a lot of hard work, but he can do this. For Fuji he will do this.
His voice is unsteady when he speaks. "Mother, I don't know what to say."
"Well if you're just going to hold the phone and do nothing now, I can start telling you how I won your grandfather's approval to marry your father..."
Tezuka snorts, knowing it was actually his mother, not father, who proposed for marriage - she never was a woman who cared about conventions. She has given up a lot, entering the traditional Tezuka family, to marry the man she loves. He would love to hear the tale, but for the sake of it, he laughs and says thanks, but no thanks.
"How about Fuji? Will anyone ever approve of him?"
"I'll love anyone whom my son loves and brings a smile to his face." His mother says, surely and naturally, as if she is just stating a fact. "I'll love him as I do my own child. The rest is up to him."
Tezuka's voice chokes as he mutters a thank-you.
His mother gasps in surprise. "Kunimitsu, are you crying?"
Tezuka can imagine the look on his mother's face just by listening to the amused tone of her voice. "Don't laugh at me." He says, wiping his eyes with the back of a hand. "It's been quite a day." But even as he says it, he begins to chuckle too, a genuine sound of relief and an expression of love and gratitude for his mother.
When he finally hangs up, Tezuka wonders what his life would become if he hasn't received this phone call.
And he wonders what his life will become now.
Fuji wakes around midday with only the slightest of a hangover. Politely saying no to lunch after drinking an excessive amount of juice, he shuts himself into the room again.
He hasn't looked at Tezuka in the eyes once, but after last night, it probably is too difficult for him right now. Standing outside the door, Tezuka listens to the noises of things being turned over, suitcase opening and closing, then finally, the door opens.
Fuji, stunned that Tezuka is at the door, takes a step back. "Have you seen my passport?" He asks without looking up at Tezuka's hazel eyes.
"I've got it."
"... Give it back." A shadow of a frown crosses Fuji's features, but it disappears as quickly as it comes, and he tilts his face up, his eyes crinkling up as he smiles. "I want to go home."
Tezuka pulls the passport out of his back-pocket, holding it in front of his friend. Surprised that he would get it back just like that, Fuji reaches for it, but he frowns again when Tezuka doesn't let go of the small book.
"Give it back."
"You told me something last night, Fuji." His fingers tighten as the other hand tries to yank the passport away. "I have something I want to tell you too. Will you listen?"
Finally, blue eyes open fully to look at Tezuka. Fuji studies the face before him, the smile slowly disappearing from his lips. Finally he nods, and Tezuka lets go of the passport.
Tezuka makes him sit down. "It's going to take a while."
Starting from the small conversation between his mother and himself almost six years ago, when they started going out, he tells Fuji his side of the story. His father's expectations; his duties as the only son; his reluctant decision to break up. He tells him the sheer will it took to treat him normally through the rest of high school; the torture he went through every time he heard about a new girlfriend; how he tried to love someone else, thinking feelings should fade over time, only realising it wasn't true, that the love he had during teenage was not just something that belonged just to teenage. It was much more than that, something to do with fate, perhaps. Time after time he thought he couldn't do it anymore, but he stood up and continued because it was what he had to do.
Then Tezuka tells Fuji about last night, the thoughts that went through his mind when Fuji said what he said and did what he did. He tells him his decision, that he knows who is right for him and he is ready to risk everything to make things work for them.
When Tezuka finishes, they stay silent, seated side by side on the bed, with no reaction coming from Fuji. For how long they sit like that Tezuka cannot tell, but it feels like hours has passed, just sitting here and waiting for Fuji to say something. But it has been three years already, he doesn't mind waiting that bit longer. Fuji has suffered for three years because of him, Tezuka doesn't expect anything much now. But he will win Fuji back, somehow, no matter how long it is going to take.
Bowing his head, Fuji silently wipes his eyes with the back of his sleeve. He is smiling.
Tezuka is the first to break the silence. "Fuji, I - "
A pale hand reaches for the lapels of his shirt, reaches across the line between them. It pulls gently, making him turn. The hand lets go as lips meet. Fuji kisses him.
The kiss lasts longer than the silence between them just now, no parts of their bodies touching except for lips and tongues.
When they look at each other again, Fuji's eyes are the deepest, yet clearest blue. He looks at Tezuka for a moment, then he lifts his hand, and with a finger he traces Tezuka's lips.
"I've missed this smile." He says, smiling himself, and leaning forwards for a quick kiss again.
"Fuji... it won't be easy. I don't know what's going to happen when we go back home."
When Tezuka fixes his hazel eyes on Fuji's cerulean blue ones, Fuji doesn't look away.
"I'll fight with you, no matter how long it takes."
This time, even Tezuka can feel his own smile on his face.
"I get to spend Christmas here." Fuji tilts his head slightly and closes his eyes in thought. "I wonder what Yuuta's going to say." Then, he adds, with a slightly smaller voice. "I wonder what my family's going to say."
"Fuji?"
"No, I'm not having second thoughts. The road ahead isn't going to be smooth, but I know we can do it."
This is where the true test begins. This will be the hardest part of their lives, and it will take months, years, for those they care about to truly accept them.
But as Tezuka leans down to kiss Fuji again, he know he has in his hands the true meaning of happiness and for this, he will fight for understanding, no matter how long it takes.
And he won't be fighting alone.
[end]
A/N:
1. My mother has actually said some of the things Tezuka's mom has said. So although she sounds... a bit too ideal, moms like that really do exist.
2. Everybody cries in this fic. Sorry ^^" Hope it didn't feel too out of character.
3. I actually managed to write a happy ending. Go me! (to those who don't know, I suck at happy endings) Hope it wasn't too cheesy?
4. Thank you very much for reading! :)
(5. I still can't believe I killed Yuuta...)
