Chapter 3 Breaking Through

Hawkeye was sitting up in bed thinking back on the night. It had been every bit as awful as he had imagined it would be. Tommy this, Tommy that, God were they ever going to shut up about Tommy! Every where he went he felt as though he was in the shadow of his old friend. His return had obviously opened up a lot of old memories. He and Tommy had after all been the life of this town. Tonight didn't feel like a welcome home party for him, it was more like a wake for Tom. The only relief for Hawkeye was that the Gillis' themselves weren't there. It turned out they were gone away for the week.

Hawkeye just wanted to go to sleep so much but he couldn't. His mind was hopping, from one thing to another. His friends were great. They had laughed and reminisced with him all night but something was missing. He felt out of place with them, like he didn't belong. What is the matter with me? I've known these people since I was a child! How can they all of a sudden seem like complete strangers to me? Or maybe it's me, I'm the stranger! I don't know who these people are anymore!

Hawkeye cried. This was what he was afraid would happen. He wouldn't be able to go back to the way things were, that life didn't exist anymore. All he knew now was Korea. He had experienced real friendship out there, the kind he never expected to experience again. They had been his comrades, they had been through it all with him and now they were no where to be seen. He was alone.

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Hawkeye spent the next few days at home. He didn't leave for anything. Karen dropped by almost everyday and sometimes Brian did as well, but he was just unable to talk to them. They would go sit out on the porch and Hawkeye would let them do all the talking. After awhile Brian stopped calling. "I think I'm beginning to freak him out" Hawkeye said to Karen. "Don't be silly he's just busy that's all!"

"No, no he isn't, he just doesn't want to hang around with a loser!"

Karen herself was even running out of things to say, of ways to try to perk him up. There was just no way of getting through to Hawkeye, of making him realise that everyone still loved him. The reason Brian stopped calling was that he could no longer stand to watch what was happening to his friend. And Karen was just about at the end of her tether as well, but she was determined to hang in there, for Hawkeye's sake. She noticed that he was drinking a lot and it worried her. She tried to get him to open up but it was no use. Hawkeye never burdened others with his problems. He could listen to other peoples' problems all day long and do whatever he could to help but when it came to himself it was a different story.

"Listen I have to work the next couple of days but I'll call back and see you soon, ok?" "Right, see ya!" was all Hawkeye could manage.

Karen walked away completely disillusioned. What was happening to him? He never gave her a kiss goodbye anymore, he never insisted on walking her home, hell he didn't even get up off the chair as she left!

Hawkeye watched her walk off down the path. He knew he was hurting her but he just couldn't let her in. He couldn't burden her with images of what he had seen. He couldn't tell her about, about the baby. The baby he'd killed! Oh God! He could feel he was about to cry but then he caught a glimpse of Mrs. Gillis walking up the sidewalk. Oh no, they're home, and she's coming to see me! Hawkeye stood up. What was he going to say?

"Hello Hawkeye?" came the greeting from Mrs. Gillis. "Welcome home! I'm so sorry we weren't here when you arrived. How are you?"

"I'm fine, ah, good, it's good to be home!" he said hesitantly.

"I bet it is! It must have been awful out there. I can only imagine from what Tommy used to say in his letters" Ann Gillis noticed Hawkeye's eyes drop at the mention of her late son. "I have something for you!"

Hawkeye looked up, "For me?" he said with surprise.

"Yes, we had been holding on to this until you got home" Hawkeye watched curiously as she fumbled through her carrier bag and then froze as he saw what she was pulling out. It was a large manuscript. "Here" she said with a smile.

"You never hear the bullet, Tommy's book!" he said leafing through the pages.

"Right!" she replied.

"I don't understand, why give it to me?"

"Because you were there Hawkeye, you understand. And you were one of his best friends. He would want you to have it." Hawkeye now allowed a few tears to roll down his face.

"I, I don't know what to say!"

"You don't have to say anything. Losing Tommy was the worst moment of our lives, but knowing that there was someone with him, knowing that in his final moments he had someone by his side that he knew, someone he loved, well, you'll never know how much that meant to us Hawkeye! It was a little piece of comfort through all the pain, knowing that he didn't die alone. We will always be grateful to you for that!"

Hawkeye was stunned. He had never expected this. Tears were now flowing freely. "Thank you" he said.

Mrs. Gillis hugged him to her, and both were crying now.

"Well I must be off" she said pulling out a hanky to wipe her eyes.

"Right!" Hawkeye nodded.

She started to walk away but suddenly paused and turned back to Hawkeye "As you know the book was never finished" she said. Hawkeye nodded.

"Promise me that you will read it Hawkeye"

"I promise" he said trying to compose himself.

"And, well I was thinking maybe someday you would finish the book, for Tommy?"

"Oh I don't know Mrs. Gillis, I mean Tommy was the writer among us. I'm only used to writing prescriptions these days!"

"You can do it Hawkeye. It doesn't have to be now, it doesn't have to be this year. It doesn't even have to be this decade. Just please, do it someday. You were there, you're the only one that can. Tom had a strong message in this book, one that deserves to be heard. Just promise that you'll at least try?"

"Ok, I'll try, for Tommy!"

"Thank you." And with that she left. Hawkeye sat back down and stared blankly at Tommy's book. How the hell was he going to do this?

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Hawkeye had been home three weeks by now and things had not improved. He still felt like an outcast. Everywhere he went he could sense people were talking about him. He would see them stare and then quickly look away when his eyes met theirs. He was miserable. He could feel his friends drifting away. Not that he could blame them, he was depressed, moody and no fun to be around anymore. He spent much of his days alone, on the beach, walking the cliffs or just sitting on the back porch, usually accompanied by a bottle of scotch, or vodka, or whatever was there. His tormented mind refused to let him sleep at night. Even during the day it was still at him, torturing him. He was completely non-functional either as a doctor or a person. So he walked, and walked and walked and still he could get no peace.

Daniel grew increasingly worried. He had no idea what to do. Hawkeye wouldn't talk to him. He knew he wasn't sleeping. He knew he was having nightmares, he had heard the screams. He knew he wasn't getting on with his friends. What he didn't know was how to fix it. For the second time in his life he could feel one of his loved ones slipping away and there was nothing he could do! He was aware of his son's growing dependence on alcohol and this was what worried him most of all. "No I won't let it happen. I'm not going to lose Ben as well!" Daniel was determined to get his son back. It was time for an intervention.

Hawkeye was crashed out on the sofa again when Daniel got home. The only time he seemed to be able to get some sleep was in the afternoon. Daniel stood in front of the unshaven, dishevelled heap that was his son. He became overwhelmed by the sadness in his heart. Then that sadness turned to anger! What have they done to you! He screamed inside himself. Damn army, of all the surgeons in America why did they have to take my son! Daniel walked away, leaving Hawkeye to sleep off whatever he drank that day.

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Hawkeye woke a short time later. He could hear his father in the kitchen. He always was a light sleeper! "Hey dad, tough day at the office?" he said with a cheeky grin. "Oh yeah, a real toughie" Daniel replied with sarcasm. "I had one possible appendicitis, one sore throat, and five in-grown toenails! Imagine that, five! I don't think I've ever had that many in one day!" Hawkeye smiled and sat down, grabbing the newspaper off the table.

"Hey listen Hawk!" Daniel said, his tone having grown serious.

"Yeah" Hawkeye said with caution. He picked up on his father's change in tone and could feel a lecture was on the way.

"We gotta talk!"

"About what?"

"About you son. The way you've been acting lately, it's not healthy."

"Dad, I really don't want to talk about this right now!"

"Well when do you want to talk?" Daniel said growing angry. "No more excuses Ben, we're gonna talk right now whether you like it or not."

"No we're not. You can't order me around anymore I'm not a kid dad!" Hawkeye got up to storm off but his father yelled, "Sit down. We are going to talk this out now! You see what you're doing don't you? You're running away. It's what you always do, you're never prepared to confront things!"

Hawkeye froze in the hallway. Slowly he turned to face his father,

"Oh I'm the one that runs away? I see! Who never told me that my mother was dying, huh? Who packed me off to live with my aunt for the summer right after she died? Who ran away then dad? I was ready to talk, I was ready to help you through it but you wouldn't let me!"

"You were a child!" Both were yelling now.

"I was her son! Didn't you think I was hurting too? Didn't you need me? Because I sure as hell needed you? Why did you do that dad, why did you send me away?"

Daniel was silent. He had been taken by complete surprise. "Has this been burning up inside you all this time?" he asked, his tone calmer now.

"Yes" Hawkeye replied in tears now.

Daniel wasn't sure what to say. He had no idea how much this had affected his son. He had always put on a brave face, through everything. "I'm sorry Ben!"

"That is not an answer" Hawkeye said looking directly at him.

"Ok, you ask a valid question, you deserve an answer."

"Yes I do." Daniel cringed at the bitterness in Hawkeye's voice. He could see the pain oozing out through his eyes. "So why, why did you do it?"

"Because" Daniel hesitated.

"Because why?" Hawkeye banged his fist on the kitchen table in growing impatience.

"Because I couldn't stand to look at you!" Daniel finally admitted.

"What?" Hawkeye gasped. He was completely taken aback.

"That's why son. I couldn't look at you because every time I did I saw her! You have her cheek bones, her lips, her... Just everything about you reminded me of her and at the time I, I was trying to forget."

"I don't believe this" Hawkeye said bitterly. He stormed out of the kitchen and upstairs.

"Try to understand Ben. I had lost my wife, the love of my life! I was in a mess, I wasn't thinking clearly. For your own sake I had to send you away. I would have been no good for you then!"

"Well you're no good to me now either" he said, slamming his bedroom door shut.

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It was sometime later before Hawkeye emerged from his room. Daniel was sitting in his armchair downstairs just staring into space. The evening had not gone at all according to plan. Instead of pulling his son aside for a heart to heart discussion, he had driven him farther away. He was at his wits end. He could hear Hawkeye moving around upstairs now, from his room to the bathroom and back again. Finally Hawkeye came running down the stairs. He grabbed his coat from the kitchen and was heading for the front door. Daniel saw that he was all dressed up. "Where are you going?" he inquired. "Out" came the flat response from Hawkeye. "Ben, I meant what I said, we need to talk!"

"Don't wait up!" was all he got from Hawkeye as he shut the front door behind him.

Hawkeye was too upset to talk to his father right now. Brian had been by earlier trying to get him to come out for a few beers that night. Hawkeye had declined but the events of the evening had made him change his mind. He needed to get out of the house. He hated being mad at his father. He hated himself for yelling at him and for all the things he'd said. Why couldn't I have just let things alone? Why did I have to bring mom up like that? I'm such an idiot! he thought as he made his way towards the bar. He knew the others would already be there by now.

He walked from the refreshing night air into the thick-layered, smoky atmosphere of the bar. He saw the gang sitting over in the corner. Brian, Karen and Dexter were there, while Toby was playing pool with James, a workmate of his. That was all there was for the youth of Crabapple Cove to do on a Friday night, drink and play pool.

"Hi everyone!" he said as he approached the table.

"Hawkeye" Brian said, "You made it after all, excellent. Let me get you a drink. Let me guess, a dry martini?"

"Right" Hawkeye smiled.

"Yeah something's never change, we're all beer drinkers but these surgeons, they're all about class" he joked as he made his way to the bar. Hawkeye sat down next to Karen. "I see he's already has a few!"

"Oh you know Brian and beer. He always likes to get an early start!"

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It was approaching ten o'clock when the gang decided to leave the bar.

"Hey, the night's still young what'll we do" Toby cried. They were all a bit tipsy at this stage.

"Hey, how about for old time's sake, we go into the city?" Brian suggested.

"I dunno man, it's kinda late for that!" Dexter reasoned.

"Ah come on! What do you say Hawkeye? We go into some of the old clubs, pick up a few ladies!" Brian winked to Hawkeye.

"I dunno" Hawkeye hesitated.

"I think it's a great idea" Toby said. "Let's go. How about you Karen? Come on we can catch the last bus if we hurry!"

"I don't think it's my scene! And might I remind you Tobias that you are a married man!" Karen replied.

She decided to walk with them as far as the bus stop, just to make sure they got on!

Hawkeye really didn't want to go. It reminded him of a time in his life he was trying to distance himself from. Going into the city trying to pick up a one night stand, it just wasn't for him anymore. He looked at the others as they walked slightly ahead and realised he was staring at his past.

"Come on slowcoach! We're gonna miss the bus!" Brian yelled at him.

Hawkeye just threw his eyes to Heaven, a gesture that Brian didn't miss.

"Oh what is your problem now?" he asked suddenly, taking Hawkeye off guard.

"What?" Hawkeye replied.

"You heard me. What is your problem? You know I'm getting a bit sick of your attitude man. Every time we've gone out since you got back you just sit in the corner all night, you hardly open your mouth and then when you do it's just to bitch. So come on, out with it!"

Hawkeye was taken completely aback. He never expected such an accusation to come from Brian. Dexter was the confrontational one but Brian, he always just wanted a laugh and generally ignored what went on around him. Never the less Hawkeye decided it was about time to clear the air.

"Alright, you really wanna know? It's you! And it's you and you and all of you!" he shouted pointing at them.

"Steady there pal" Toby said. They were all a bit shocked by his outburst.

"Just look at yourselves! We're nearly all thirty years old and we're still carrying on like a bunch of high school kids! It's pathetic! You just haven't changed. In all these years you're still doing the same thing day in, day out. Why don't you all just grow up!"

Everyone was silent. Hawkeye couldn't believe what he had just said. He meant every word but he should have never said it like that. Finally Brian broke the silence;

"Just who the hell do you think you are?"

"Come on guys let's calm down" Karen tried to reason.

"No, he's said his piece now I think it's about time he heard a few home truths about himself" Brian looked Hawkeye directly in the eye, he was now full of rage. "You wanna know what we're doing Hawkeye? It's called enjoying ourselves, something you seem to have forgotten all about. You know these past few weeks we have gone out of our way to try and please you, to make you feel welcome. You've given us nothing in return. And you know what? I've had it, you can go to hell now. I don't even know you anymore man!"

"Well what do you want? What do you want from me Brian? Just tell me and I'll do it!" Hawkeye yelled.

"I want my friend back. I want the guy that left this town three years ago!" he yelled back at him.

"I can't do that Brian. I can't be that guy anymore. I've seen too much." Hawkeye said, his heart breaking. He stopped talking and just stared at the ground, there was no point in going on, they wouldn't understand what he was trying to say.

"Well then maybe you should have stayed in Korea and let Tommy come home! Because whoever you are now, I don't want to know." With that Brian turned to walk away, followed by the others.

His words cut right through Hawkeye. He stood in silence for a moment as they walked away from him.

"I can't help it if I'm different now" he yelled after them. Only Karen turned to look back.

"Go home Hawkeye" Dexter said without even turning around.

"Damn it!" Hawkeye said as he smashed his beer bottle of the wall. "Go to hell" he yelled after them "I don't need any of you, you can all just go to hell!"

"Hold up a sec" Dexter said to the others. He walked back towards Hawkeye and grabbing him by both shoulders, looked into his moist eyes and gently said "Hawkeye, we're your friends, we love you and we're not going to abandon you. But right now man you need to get some help! We've done what we can for you but whatever's wrong well, we can't fix it! You need to talk to someone. You're not doing well! You understand what I'm trying to say?"

Hawkeye nodded "Yeah" he said through the tears.

"Just go home man. Sleep it off. We'll talk tomorrow ok? You have to get yourself together, you can't go on like this!"

"OK" Hawkeye nodded without making eye contact.

"Good" Dexter smiled giving him a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder before walking back to the others. "Let's go, he's going home. He'll be ok!"

"I'm going to walk him home" Karen said breaking away from the others. "He shouldn't be alone!"

"Karen come back!" Brian ordered "Forget him will you? He's screwed up! Come on just forget him!"

"Let her go man!" Toby said.

Brian's words echoed through Hawkeye's mind, 'he's screwed up! Forget him!' He was kneeling down, his back up against the side of a wall with his head in his hands when Karen found him.

"Please ignore my brother, he's an idiot" she tried to say light-heartedly.

"What are you doing here?" he replied without lifting his head.

"I came to see if you're alright!"

"I'm fine, go catch up with the others!"

"Is that why you're sitting here crying your eyes out!"

He just looked at her. He had nothing to say to that.

"You want to talk?" she asked gently. "You know they didn't mean a lot of what they said tonight, they were just drunk!"

"Yes they did, and they're right. I've turned into a major asshole haven't I?"

"I wouldn't say major. Maybe just a bit of a one, and only sometimes!"

Hawkeye smirked. "I can always count on you to be straight with me can't I?"

"Yep. Now how 'bout you being straight with me. What's going on?"

"It's like I said. I've changed Karen. I'm not Hawkeye anymore. He's still out in Korea somewhere. I'm afraid it's only Benjamin Franklin that came home"

"That's not necessarily a bad thing!"

"It isn't?" he asked surprised.

"No, I mean I liked Hawkeye, he did annoy me from time to time but most of the time he was ok, but I'm sure I could get to like Benjamin Franklin just as much if he'll let me!" This made Hawkeye smile.

"Ah a smile, we're getting places. You see if I'm going to like this Ben Franklin, I'm gonna have to see a lot more of those smiles. So how about it? You want to give it a try?"

"Give what a try?"

"Getting to know each other again!" Karen paused and smiled at him. She could see a relief in his eyes that hadn't been there since he came home. She stretched out a hand towards him and said, "Hi, I'm Karen Thompson!"

Hawkeye looked up at the hand stretched out in front of him. She was like an angel reaching out to pull him from his despair. "I'm Ben!" he said softly, clasping her hand in his.

"Nice to meet you Ben!"

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It was almost half eleven when Hawkeye got home. He and Karen had talked for ages and for the first time since he came home he was beginning to feel better. What the boys said that night had really hurt, but it had also really hit home with him, especially what Dexter said. They were right, he was screwed up and it was up to himself to unscrew things. He was surprised to find Daniel still up. Although under the circumstances in which he left earlier that night it wasn't at all surprising.

"Hi dad" he said meekly. He knew it was time for an apology.

"Are we still talking?" Daniel asked. He wasn't sure if his son was ever going to talk to him again after what happened.

"Of course! Actually, I'm going to do the talking for a while, you just have to listen!" Daniel was surprised. It seemed his son was in a compromising mood.

"Ok, mind if I make a cup of tea while you talk?"

"Sure"

"You want one?"

"OK"

"Well what did you want to say?"

"Am, first of all, I'm sorry about earlier. It was unfair of me to throw something like that at you."

"You had a right to know. I should not have sent you away, not when you needed me like that!"

"I thought I was doing the talking!"

"I've changed my mind. You're gonna sit there and listen to me for a change. I've wanted to say a few things to you for a while now so I'm gonna say them and nothing is going to stop me!"

"OK" Hawkeye said taking his seat. He could see that his father meant business.

"You know it would break your mother's heart to see you now. To see what you're doing to yourself!"

"Why bring mom into this" Hawkeye said calmly but with some degree of venom.

"Because I don't know what else to do Ben! I can't seem to get through to you at all. You always used to talk to your mother about your problems. Granted I know the problems of a ten year old differ enormously to whatever it is you're facing now but the thing is you never talk to me. You bottle things up, you ignore things. I can't let you do that anymore, I just can't. It's destroying you Ben. You don't sleep, you don't eat, you don't talk. About all you do is drink!"

Hawkeye had been staring at the floor all throughout Daniel's speech but the last accusation made him look up.

"That's right" Daniel continued. "Don't think I haven't noticed that you go off to the beach each day and take a bottle with you! I can't let you do this to yourself son. I've lost my wife but I'll be damned if I'm going to lose a son as well!" Daniel started to cry now.

"Don't you see you need help Ben! You can't ignore it anymore, you can't" Daniel said forcibly.

Hawkeye looked at his father with pleading eyes as tears now streamed down his face as well. It was sometime before he could bring himself to speak. "I'm sorry" was all he could say.

"Oh it's not your fault son" Daniel said as he grabbed hold of his son's head and hugged him to his chest. "I want it to stop dad. I want to be happy again. I, I just don't know how! I'm so tired Dad, I'm just so tired!"

"You need to talk to someone, get yourself some help. Will you do that? Please Ben!"

"Yes" he cried.

"Promise me?"

"I promise dad, I promise"

Father and son stayed there in the kitchen for some time that night, hugging and crying. Both felt as if an enormous weight had been lifted from their shoulders. For Daniel it was the breakthrough he had been hoping for with his son. For Hawkeye it was the realisation that he did not have to bare this burden alone. He had a wonderful circle of friends ready to help him through this, but it was up to him to make the first move.

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Hawkeye didn't sleep a wink that night, but that was nothing new. He kept tossing ideas around his head as to what to do next. He knew there was only one thing to do.

It was ten o' clock in the morning when he decided to place the call. It would be the best time to catch him. Nursing a small hangover, Hawkeye waited as the operator put his call through. The phone at the other end was ringing and a familiar voice eventually answered.

"Hello!"

"Hello Sidney?" Hawkeye said clearing his throat.

"Hawkeye?"

"Yeah"

"This is a surprise, what can I do for you?"

"I ah, I need your help Sid. I'm not doing so well!"