-*-*- Here it is. Sorry about the delay I was busy doing things such as failing my driving test etc.

Anyway I hope it's easier to read this time.

Thank you all for your comments, please keep them coming, good or bad
(but good preferably)

I hope you enjoy the rest of the story. Thanks for reading -*-*-
***************************************************************

Chapter 4 -A Little Help from my Friends!

It was a glorious day in Crabapple Cove. The almost cloudless sky was
dressed with the morning sun and at that moment it seemed like the most
beautiful place on earth.

Two men were down by the shore soaking up the warmth. Sidney sat on the
rotting carcass of an old tree that had been washed in with the tide.
Hawkeye stood by the water's edge, his back to the other man tossing
stones out into the waves and watching them sink without a trace.

"I must say this certainly beats the old lie down on the couch routine!"
Sidney declared opening the conversation. Hawkeye made no audible
response so Sidney decided to push matters on.

"So are you going to tell me what I'm doing here?"

Hawkeye turned to face him at last, not sure where to begin.

"Well it's kind of a long story but to sum it up basically I'm still
crazy, everybody here now hates me and I think I'm an alcoholic!"

"Ah" Sidney said. He paused for a moment as he tried to read Hawkeye's
body language. Hawkeye was busy searching the sand for more stones,
looking anywhere but at Sidney.

"Well what makes you think you're still crazy?" Sidney asked.

"The crazy manner in which I've been behaving!" Hawkeye said flippantly,
once again turning his back to Sidney.

Sidney tossed his eyes towards the sky and gently shook his head,

"Still using those evasive tactics I see. Am I going to have to drag
everything out of you or are you going to tell me because you know I
charge by the hour!"

Hawkeye laughed. "Alright, let's talk" he said moving over to sit down
beside Sidney.

"Good, so tell me, how have things been since you got back?"

Hawkeye dug his heals into the sand. "Terrible, miserable, about as bad
as things get! No one wants to know me. My friends hate me, my father is
afraid of me!"

"Why do you think that is?" Sidney quizzed.

"Because I've changed!" Hawkeye sighed. "This town hates change you see,
in fact they fear it. They won't accept me for who I am now. I'm a
stranger here Sid, a stranger in my own town! People go out of their way
to avoid even having a conversation with me. The nearest I get is 'hello'
or 'nice day.' I just... I feel so alone Sid."

"So it's this place that is making you unhappy, the people?"

"I dunno, I guess" Hawkeye shrugged.

"Well then leave!" Sidney said plainly.

"What?" Hawkeye almost shouted.

"Leave, go somewhere else, take a vacation!"

"I can't leave, this is my home!" Hawkeye cried in disbelief.

"But IF it is this place that is making you unhappy, then how can you
stay?"

"IF! What, you don't think this place is my problem do you?"

"No I don't!" Sidney said sincerely.

"But wouldn't leaving be running away from my problems? I mean isn't that
the one thing you're always telling me not to do?" Hawkeye couldn't
believe how direct Sidney was. He didn't even have to think about his
last reply, he just came straight out with it.

"Actually you wouldn't be running away" Sidney said in his flat,
psychiatrist tone.

"I wouldn't?"

"Quite the opposite. You would in fact be confronting your problems!"

Sidney stared at Hawkeye for a while, watching for his response. The look
of utter confusion on Hawkeye's face made him smile. He continued,

"By staying here you have this town and these people to blame for your
unhappiness, your craziness. Going away would force you to come face to
face with the real problem..., you!"

"Me, I'm the problem! Come on Sid, you can do better than that." Hawkeye
said not taking him seriously.

"Hawkeye, you are your own worst enemy, always have been." Sidney
reasoned, "You're just so hard on yourself. It's not this town that has
trouble accepting that you have changed... it's you!"

"What?" Hawkeye was losing patience. Just what was Sidney getting at
here.

"It's simple. You don't want to acknowledge the fact that you have
changed. You want to be that loveable Hawkeye Pierce that never let a
thing touch him. You want to go back to the way things were don't you? No
one could blame you for wanting that. It's what we all prayed for the day
we left Korea!"

Hawkeye was silent.

"You came back here after three years in a war-zone expecting to pick up
where you left off but you couldn't and that's what makes you angry isn't
it?"

Hawkeye stared out in front of him, out across the ocean, the ocean that
would take him miles away from here if he really wanted to. He took in
all that Sidney had just said.

"I just wanted to be me again" he began. "I wanted to forget all about
Korea but I can't. It's there day after day." Hawkeye let out a pained
sigh as he covered his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"It invades my dreams while I'm asleep and I wake up screaming in a cold
sweat. So I just don't sleep anymore. It does the same to me during the
day so I drink myself into oblivion. It just won't go away Sid. It's
everywhere I go and I can't escape. I can't do anything, I can't work,
hell I can't even hold a conversation."

Sidney could see that Hawkeye was exhausted. Every word seemed to take so
much energy out of him.

"You're not alone in feeling like this Hawkeye. There are things I'd
rather forget too but I can't. But you have to learn to live with it.
It's important to get on with your life. You continue the way you are,
well that's going to lead you down a bad road, one you may not return
from."

Hawkeye just continued to stare at the sea. He would occasionally let his
eyes drop to the sand at his feet but he would never look directly at
Sidney.

"The first thing you have to realise Hawk, is that there is no going
back. You cannot pick up the threads of your old life because they have
long since been severed. That life for you no longer exists, you have to
move on."

"What if I don't want to?" he said quietly, looking at Sidney for the
first time.

"You have to, for your sake, for your father's sake. You have to accept
who you are now. You have to learn to love yourself again, to be happy in
your own skin. You'll find that once you've accepted yourself, the rest
of the town will follow suit."

"How do I do that?" Hawkeye begged.

"Asking for my help was the first step. There is no easy answer, no one
definite way. The only thing I'm sure of is that it will take time. But
you'll make it Hawkeye. I'm going to pull you through this." Sidney gave
Hawkeye a reassuring squeeze on the shoulder.

"You always know what to say Sid" Hawkeye said turning his head back
towards the sea.

"Well it's all part of the training!" Sidney smiled.

"How do you do it? How do you stop the war from taking you over?" Hawkeye
said somewhat in awe and in envy of Sidney's serenity. "You saw it too,
you saw the pain, the blood...."

"Well I have a wife and child I need to be strong for. Plus I also have
everybody else's problems to fill my head with so I don't get too caught
up in my own." Sidney smiled and then more seriously added "I won't lie
to you Hawk. I'm not invincible, there have been times too when I've
strayed dangerously close to the edge. The trick is to know when to pull
back. You don't have to feel ashamed of falling over the edge from time
to time Hawk. Doing what you had to do, everyday for the last three
years? No one should have to go through that. It's not natural. Our
bodies weren't built to deal with human tragedy of such a large scale.
But you did it! No matter what you kept going. You fought that war every
step of the way and though you may have slipped a few times you always
got back up again! Don't let it beat you now, you have to keep fighting!"

Hawkeye sighed sadly as tears gently rolled down his cheeks, "It's just
it's harder now" he said shaking his head. "I don't have those boys to
stay strong for, I don't have a camp full of people looking to me to keep
their morale up. I don't have that camp full of people to keep my morale
up. Don't you see, no one depends on me anymore, no one needs me here!
There's nothing left to fight for and to be honest Sid I've got nothing
left to fight with!"

"You owe it to yourself to try. You owe it to your father. You owe it to
Captain Hawkeye Pierce. That man did a heck of a job out there, he saved
many, many lives. You should be proud of what he did!"

Hawkeye nodded.

"The fact that you asked me here shows me that you want to fight, so how
'bout it? Let's fight it together Hawk, what do you say?"

"Ok Sid, I'm gonna try. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm tired
of always being so tired. I want my life back!"

"Great, so let's make a start then shall we?"

Hawkeye just shrugged his shoulders in agreement.

"You can start by telling me what you do in a typical day around here."

Hawkeye scratched his neck as he compiled his answer. "Well some days I
might not get up until three or four in the afternoon. I just lie in
bed..."

"And what do you think about when you're just laying there?" Sidney
quizzed.

"Nothing!" Hawkeye said flatly.

"You must think about something?"

"No, actually I just try to let my mind go blank, staring at the ceiling
helps because it's white and well, blank!"

"You try to let your mind go blank but you don't succeed do you?"

"Well it is nearly impossible I guess to go completely blank but I get as
close as I can. Sometimes I'll cry, for no reason, I just start crying.
Its mostly just gentle tears but sometimes I really let the floodgates
open."

"How do you feel when you're lying there in bed all day while outside
people are busy getting on with their lives?"

"Alone, I... just so alone" Hawkeye said with a bleakness in his voice that
was almost heartbreaking.

Sidney remained silent for a while. He could see that his old friend was
in a lot of trouble. The pain that Hawkeye was living with oozed out
through his tired eyes. Sidney wasn't sure how much he could help him. No
matter what he did there would always be a part of Hawkeye that would be
left scarred. Having known Hawkeye it pained him greatly to see what had
happened to him. Most of his patients he had never known before their
troubles, he didn't know their true personality, he didn't know them at
all. But he knew Hawkeye and he missed him. Hawkeye was so vibrant, so
full of fun. He barely recognised the man that now sat next to him. He
could see that Hawkeye was clearly suffering from severe depression. It
made Sidney so angry; he had seen this happen to too many good men.

Suddenly he straightened his back as a wave of determination came over
him. He was damned if he was going to lose Hawkeye. No matter how long it
would take he was going to see that Hawkeye recovered!

"You're not alone Hawkeye. You've got your father and your friends"

Hawkeye nodded but made no response. "Tell me about your dreams?" Sidney
asked.

They talked for hours that morning. Hawkeye recounted a few of his most
frightening nightmares. They discussed surgery and Hawkeye was insistent
that he would not be returning. Sidney knew he had to take things one
step at a time so he did not push Hawkeye further on the surgery, but
they would have to return to that subject sometime in the future.

Hawkeye could not deny that by the end of the session he was feeling a
great deal better. The weight he had been carrying around since he came
home had lightened considerably.

"I gotta tell you Sid, I'm feeling so much better after talking to you!"
He smiled. It wasn't the usual forced smile that he wore around Crabapple
Cove, it was a smile of relief.

"Good. I'm afraid I've got to take off now but here's what I'm going to
do. I'm going to come back and see you once a week for the next few
weeks, just for a while. Ring my office and schedule an appointment."

"OK, I will."

"In the meantime I want you to try and talk more, trust your friends
Hawkeye, I think they care about you a lot more than you think!"

"I'll try"

"Now we didn't discuss the drinking today but try to cut down. You know
very well that that is not a road you want to take!"

"Right, no drinking!"

"And one more thing! I'm going to prescribe some medication for you"

"Sid please, no drugs. I don't want that again!"

"I think it would really help you. Just a little pick-me-up for when
things get a little rough. Don't worry, it's not forever, just until you
get back on your feet!"

"What if I, you know, become dependant on them? I don't want to be one of
these people who have to take one pill to go to sleep and another to wake
up!"

"Trust me Hawk. That won't happen. It will be a small controlled dosage
ok? Now about your sleeping problem, you should try yoga or something,
it's supposed to be very good! Relaxes you completely!"

"Yoga, Sid come on!"

"Ok, ok, we'll talk about the yoga next week!" Sidney said with a smile.
"We made good progress today Hawk and don't worry, you're not crazy"

"I'm not?"

"No, believe me I've seen crazy and this ain't it!"

*************************************************************

Hawkeye walked Sidney to his car.
"I really appreciate you doing this for me. I didn't know where else to
go. You just know me so well, you know what it was like out there!"

"No trouble Hawkeye. I'm glad you felt you could call me. I had been
wondering about how you were doing actually. I kinda had to throw you
back out on the field over there a bit faster than I'd have liked. But
don't worry, I think you're doing just fine!"

"You do?"

"Yeah, you sought help for yourself. Not a lot of people are willing to
admit that to themselves!"

"Well it did take a slight clubbing over the head from my friends and dad
of course!"

Sidney pulled his bag out of the car. He reached in and took out a small
bottle of pills.
"Here you go, now make sure you take one of these whenever things get
really bad. Promise me?"

"I promise" Hawkeye said, reluctantly taking them from him.

"Oh, and try to get back to work. Even if it's just browsing the papers
for a job, just do something. You need a plan. You can't hang out on that
back porch forever!"

"Ok, I'll do that!"

"Good, well I'll see you next week then"

"See you Sidney and thanks again!"

Hawkeye watched Sidney's car drive out of view. It felt really good to
talk to Sidney. Some of what he said had surprised him but the more
Hawkeye thought about it the more he realised how right he was. "I am my
own worst enemy!" he thought making his way back to the house.

****************************************************************

"Ben!"

"Hey, dad!"

"How'd it go today?" Daniel asked in anticipation. He really hoped that
seeing Sidney would help to mend Hawkeye somewhat.

"Good, actually really good. He made a lot of sense about a lot of
things. He's going to see me again next week!"

"Excellent" Daniel replied pouring himself a drink. "You want something
to drink?"

"Ah" Hawkeye hesitated a moment, "No, no I won't, thanks!"

Daniel gave Hawkeye a strange look.

"What?" Hawkeye said.

"Nothing, I've just never known you to turn down a drink before!"

"Oh I'm giving it up, turns out too much of the stuff can be bad for
you!"

Daniel was surprised. "What giving it up altogether?"

"Yeah"

"Well OK then, just as long as you don't expect me to do the same!" he
said jokingly.

Hawkeye just smiled and left the room. Daniel was laughing silently to
himself.

"Giving it up altogether" he shook his head in disbelief. He never
thought he'd hear words like that coming from his son but on a more
serious level he was relieved. It meant that Hawkeye was going to try and
that meant more than anything to him.

**************************************************************

That afternoon Hawkeye walked by Brian's house. He felt it was time to be
straight with his old friend. As he approached the house he could see
Brian was out front washing his car. Hawkeye had no idea what he was
going to say. He had been rehearsing a few lines on the way over but
nothing sounded right. They hadn't spoken since the other night.

"Hey" he said.

Brian looked up, "Hey" he said coolly.

"Can we talk?" Hawkeye asked, his nervousness telling by his tone.

Brian stared at him for what felt like an eternity to Hawkeye before
saying "Sure! I was about to take a break anyway." Brian dropped the
sponge he was using in the bucket and walked towards the porch. "Come on,
let's sit down!"

Hawkeye followed him up the steps. "Want a beer?"

"No, thank you"

Both sat opposite each other, neither one sure what to say next.

"Ah first of all" Hawkeye began, "I just wanted to say I'm sorry"

"I'm the one who should be sorry. About the other night, I was drunk..."

"No you were quite right in what you said. I know I haven't been much
company lately"

"Well I guess you've got a lot on your mind"

"Yeah!" Hawkeye said looking down at the wooden deck. "It's just... I've
still got a lot of the war going around in my head. I haven't been able
to think straight for a while now but I'm working on it. I'm getting
help"

Brian nodded in silence, he didn't know what to say.

"I don't expect you to ever understand what has happened to me Brian, in
fact I hope you never do! There's no denying that I'm a different person
now. The war has changed me, forever. Nothing will ever be the same for
me again, I think I've been too badly damaged. If you don't want to know
me anymore then I understand completely. But I was hoping that you'd give
me a second chance." Hawkeye looked up at Brian who met his gaze before
looking away. "I'm trying really hard to move on with my life, to fit in
again, all I ask is that you have a little patience with me, that you try
to get to know me again!"

"Yeah I think I could do that!" Brian said warmly. "Hawk, I'm so sorry
about the other night. I said a lot of stuff I didn't mean. The reason I
got so angry was that it was killing me to see what was happening to you.
And what was worse was knowing that there was nothing I could do to stop
it! I still want to be your friend Hawkeye but you've got to let me be
one. I just felt so useless lately, like I couldn't reach you. I mean we
used to tell each other everything!"

"I know, but it's harder now. I know it's a bit cliché but with war you
just had to be there to understand. It's not something you can explain to
another person because it's so hard to understand it all yourself. For
the past three years I've seen human nature at its lowest, at its most
depraved. And that was just Rosie's Bar of a Saturday night! There are no
words to describe the war, even hell doesn't quite cut it!"

"Well maybe someday you'll find the words and we can discuss it over a
few beers. But in the meantime, we could always talk about something
else, like baseball or football, or women!" Brian said with a wink.

"Yeah, I'd like that" Hawkeye laughed. "Thanks Brian!"

Brian smiled. "Well I'd better get back to the car"

"Right, I'll see you around!"

"Bye Hawk!"

************************************************************

Hawkeye strolled along the cliffs after meeting Brian that evening. The
cliffs were his favourite place for thinking. His mother would walk them
often. There was one particular spot where she would always stop. The
view from there was absolutely breathtaking. You could look right down on
the whole town, and then out across the bay where the fishing boats lay
dotted across the horizon.

Hawkeye now stood in that very spot. It was the first time since he came
home that he actually paused to take in the beauty that surrounded him.
"God I love this place" he thought taking a great deep breath of sea air.
He thought back over the days events. The meeting with Sidney had really
opened his eyes. He had to stop feeling sorry for himself. He had to move
on. Hawkeye Pierce was never one to roll over and die.

He felt for the bottle of pills in his pocket that Sidney had given him.
Part of him wanted to toss them over the edge to be devoured in the swell
below. But he put them back in his pocket, he had a feeling things might
get worse before they got better.

The reconciliation with Brian had gone better than he'd planned. He had
underestimated all of his friends; it seems they understood more than he
had credited them with. He and Brian would never have anything compared
to the friendship he shared with B.J., but that didn't matter as long as
it was friendship.
"Wonder how Beej is doing! I bet he's just fine" Hawkeye thought to
himself.

"Good evening Benjamin!" A familiar voice broke his train of thought, it
was Karen.

"Ah Good evening madam!" Hawkeye replied in a posh tone, "What brings you
here?"

"I was out for a walk when I saw you in the distance. Thought you might
like some company!"

"Yes I would but I suppose you'll have to do!"

"You creep!" she said giving him a punch.

"Ha, ha, you know I'm kidding. I would love your company!" Hawkeye stated
in an exaggerated tone.

"That's better! So how did it go today with you know?"

"You mean with my psychiatrist?"

"Sorry!" she blushed.

"It's ok. It was good. We had a long chat about things and cleared my
head up a bit. I now know that this town and its people aren't the enemy.
Let's just say I've gone from the road to self-destruction to the road to
recovery. It'll take time but I'm going to make it!" Hawkeye was
surprised by his own sudden burst of positive thinking.

"I'm so happy. And you know we're all here to help you along the way, no
matter how long it takes?"

"Yeah, I know that now. So tell me, when am I going to meet this fiancé
of yours?" he said changing the subject.

"Oh you want to meet him do you?"

"Of course. I want to give him the once over, make sure he's good enough
for you!"

"Don't you go telling him any stories!" she warned, waving a finger at
him.

"ME?" he said defensively.

"I know what you're like, you're just dying to spill the beans aren't
you?"

Hawkeye just threw his hands up in an innocent gesture.

"Well I'm warning you, you spill any beans and I'll spill a few teeth"

Hawkeye just looked at her warmly. That attitude reminded him a lot of a
feisty major he once knew.

"What are you smiling at?"

"Oh, I was just thinking of some of the gang at the 4077th. Wondering
what they're up to!"

"You were very close to them weren't you?"

Hawkeye smiled sadly. "They were a good bunch."

"The finest kind you might say?" Karen smiled, that was Hawkeye's famous
catchphrase.

"The finest kind" he repeated. "I really miss them!"

"Well it's good that you have some fond memories of the place!"

Yeah but not so good when those memories are now ripping you apart
because you can't be close to them anymore, you can't be close to her!
The way her perfume used to fill the O.R. Sometimes to the point of near
suffocation but you didn't mind because she smelt so damn good!

"Hello!" Karen said loudly into his face.

"Oh sorry, what were you saying?"

"I said Ted, my fiancé, will be here next weekend, you can meet him
then!"

"Good. So does this mean that when you marry you'll be moving to
Portland?"

"Well that's where his job is so I guess so! He has a house there and all
so it would make more sense for me to be the one to move!"

"Town won't be the same without you!"

"It's not like I'm moving states! I'll come and visit!"

"Promise?"

"Just you try and stop me!" she said taking his arm.

They had reached the bottom of the cliffs by now and proceeded to walk
back into town.

"Hey Hawkeye?" Karen said in a curious tone as she swung gaily off his
arm.

"Hey Karen?"

"Serious up a second!" she said sternly. He could be so hard to talk to
when he was in a silly mood!

"OK" Hawkeye said somewhat intrigued.

"I just always wondered, well you're gonna think this is silly but..."

"I think a lot of things are silly, come on spit it out!"

"How come you never asked me out, you know before Tommy did?"

"You're wondering that now?"

"Yeah!"

Hawkeye blushed slightly remembering his days as a love sick teenager,
"Well" he began, "I just didn't have the guts! Tommy got there first and
it's been my loss ever since!" he said with sincerity.

"Mine too" Karen said.

"Really? Well as long as we're being honest, why did you blow me off when
I did eventually ask you out? Was I five years too late?"

"Honestly, I don't know why. I wanted to say yes, but I guess we'd become
so close, it would have been like dating a brother! I was afraid of
ruining what we had!"

"Story of my life!" Hawkeye almost whispered.

"If it's any consolation, I've regretted it since!"

"Well if it's any consolation, I think you did the right thing!"

"You do?" she said in surprise.

"Yeah, the way I was at college! I'd have been a real asshole to you, it
would have ruined our friendship!"

"Well I am glad that didn't happen. So does this mean that Hawkeye the
renowned womaniser is retiring from his lecherous ways?"

"We'll see" Hawkeye said with his trademark grin.