Chapter 7 -The More I See You!

Hawkeye left at around seven-thirty that evening. It was like saying
goodbye in Korea all over again but without the passionate kiss. Neither
wanted him to leave but at least this time they promised to stay in
contact with Hawkeye planning to come down again soon.

They had a long chat just before he left. As usual he could tell
something was bothering her and after asking her enough times she told
him about her parents' imminent divorce.

"You know Margaret you're a big girl now. Your parents aren't responsible
for you anymore!"

"What are you getting at?" she asked irritably.

"Well think of it this way. A parent spends most of their life raising
their kids right? Face it, once you have a kid your life is no longer
your own! Now that your mother has finished raising you and your sister,
she has an opportunity to get some of her life back. It would be selfish
of you to deprive her of that opportunity. Why should she be forced to
live out the rest of her life with a man she no longer loves? Believe me
I did exactly what you are doing now to my father years ago. I deprived
him of the opportunity to marry again and now he's alone. If I had the
opportunity to take that back I would in a second. I never meant for him
to be alone but at the time I was too concerned with how it affected me
that I didn't think that far ahead! Don't make the mistake I did!"

Later that evening after Hawkeye was gone Margaret ran his thoughts back
through her mind. Of course he was right, she was wrong to make her
mother feel bad for wanting to divorce her father.

She sat back with a cup of hot chocolate and reflected on what had been a
very nice day despite the rocky start. Hawkeye had wanted to leave much
earlier feeling he was interrupting the mother-daughter reunion but when
Lillian insisted he stayed he caved and they spent a wonderful evening at
the Boston Commons.

Lillian wasn't sure what to make of this man. "He doesn't ride in
elevators? That's a bit odd!" she said to Margaret as they waited by the
elevator for him to come down stairs. "It's a good job you don't live
fifty floors up, we'd be here all day!"

"Yeah, well usually I give him a bit of a head start!" Margaret replied.

Later in the Boston Commons while he went feeding ducks by the edge of
the pond she commented on the fact that he was actually quite shy. "He's
very different from the Hawkeye you wrote about!"

"Oh he's the same guy alright, it's just the war, it makes people act
differently than they normally would!"

"Still, he is a bit strange isn't he? Different from most people!"

"Well, he's from Maine isn't he?" Margaret joked. "No Hawkeye is
definitely one of a kind. Just when you think you know him he goes and
reveals yet another side!"

****************************************************************

Now Margaret sat by herself. Her mother had gone back to her hotel for
the night. Overall she approved of this strange man. After spending some
time to really get to know him she found him as charming as most people
seem to. "Where did you get your culinary skills from Hawkeye, it's a
rare trait in a man?" she asked.

"Well with two men living alone together one of us had to play mommy!" he
joked.

"And that was you?" Margaret asked.

"Oh my father is a horrendous cook! Honestly! He's the only person I've
ever known that could manage to burn toasted cheese sandwiches! So after
a year or so of burnt food I decided it was time to step in and put an
end to it. My mother would have been horrified if she saw what he was
doing in the kitchen!"

"Is that so?" Lillian asked.

"Well my mother was Italian you see! You know how particular they are
about food!"

"So you've been cooking since you were a kid?" Margaret inquired.

"Well I was the only one home most of the time anyway. He was always
working late."

"That must have been tough!" Lillian commented.

"Not really. He's the town doctor. You learn to accept that. His job
always had to come first, peoples' lives depended on him being there!
Besides I had plenty of friends and nosy neighbours to look out for me!"

He walked off back down to the ducks after that, he had revealed a little
more than he had planned and needed to get away.

*****************************************************************

"I think he's wonderful! You should hang on to this one" was her final
verdict to Margaret who was by now tired of arguing the point that he was
just a friend. "Hey mom" she said before Lillian left, "About the
divorce, I understand. I want you to be happy and if this is what it
takes then I'll support you all the way!"

It was now raining outside. Margaret watched as each droplet slowly made
its way down the window pane and sighed. She was missing him already. He
seemed different but not in a bad way. He was much quieter. She was
disappointed that he had given up surgery, he was so gifted. She couldn't
help but notice an air of sadness about him. Even when he smiled she
could still see the pain in his eyes. He was obviously still suffering
the after-effects of his breakdown in Korea. "I wish I could help him"
she sighed sadly. But Hawkeye would never let her in, he was so closed up
emotionally. Never the less she would do her best to break him down, just
as he had done to her.

********************************************************************

It was late when Hawkeye got home. Daniel was already in bed. He left a
note on the kitchen table:

Ham sandwich in the fridge if you're hungry.
Hope you had a good weekend, don't forget
to be up for work in the morning, Mrs. Green
will be in for her full physical, so you'll need
all your strength for that!
Dad

Hawkeye cringed! Mrs. Green was over eighty years of age, was hard of
hearing and liked to pinch his backside. "She has the heart of a teenager
and the mind of a dirty old man!" was how Daniel always put it. This year
the pleasure would be all Hawkeye's.

He ate the sandwich and then looking at the clock decided it was too late
to call Margaret. He missed her so much already. It had been an amazing
couple of days. He was even pleasantly surprised by her mother. He
automatically expected any member of her family to hate him but Lillian
was the complete opposite of her husband, she was nice! Watching the rain
trickle down the window he decided it was time to try and go to sleep.

*****************************************************************

"Oh Nina I need coffee!" he cried as he finished examining Mrs. Green.

"What's Mrs. Green been up to now? Did she sexually harass you?"

Hawkeye just smiled, "I'm not going to complain to you 'cause I know I'll
get no sympathy!"

"You learn fast!" she teased.

"I tell you though, we have got to find a better way of collecting urine
samples!"

"I don't think I want to know what that is about!" she said leafing
through the files on her desk.

Hawkeye sat down on a chair in the break room and rested his head on his
hand. Nina took a seat opposite him. "You're still not sleeping too well
are you?"

"I'm fine" he said impatiently.

"Ok, I know when to butt out!"

"Good!" he said taking a sip of coffee.

"So tell me how did your weekend go?" she asked excitedly.

"I thought you just said... oh never mind." He said exasperated, "Does my
father tell you everything?"

"Of course! Come now Ben, you know your father is worse than any woman
when it comes to gossiping!"

"Yeah!" he agreed.

"So?"

"It was a very pleasant weekend!"

"Oh honestly, you're no good. You never let a thing out do you? I don't
know where you get that from but it certainly wasn't you're father!" she
snapped as she walked away.

Hawkeye just smiled. Nina always took a close interest in his personal
life and he enjoyed making her work for the information. This time
however, he thought better of it and decided to ask her for some advice.

"Hey, Nina"

"What?" she snapped.

"I really like this girl but I don't know what to do. I don't even know
if she feels the same. She's been hurt bad by jerks in the past including
me. She's a lot more careful with her heart these days, what should I
do?"

"That's more like it" she sat down with a satisfied grin across her face.
"Well if you really care for this girl then you gotta show her. Let her
know you have no intention of breaking her heart this time. You have to
earn her trust!"

"How do I do that?"

"I dunno!" she said shrugging her shoulders, "I just say this stuff I
don't execute it!"

"Thanks a lot" he said disgustedly.

"Aaw, it looks like you've got the big L with this one haven't you?"

"You don't miss a thing do you?"

"Look Hawkeye, the only advice I can give you is to take your time,
thread softly with this girl. If she's been hurt as bad as you say well
she's not gonna wanna rush into anything. Have patience. Be there for
her!"

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking. Trouble is I don't know if I can trust
myself, you know, not to make a move!"

"Well you've waited this long for her, a little longer won't hurt!"

"Thanks Nina"

"Oh my, its not very often I get one of those from you! Usually I just p
you off all the time!"

"Well the day's not over yet, there's still time!" he grinned.

*****************************************************************

Hawkeye took Nina's advice. He played it cool with Margaret. Made sure he
didn't come on too strong. It had now been five weeks since they had been
reunited. He had made his way to Boston every weekend since. His father
would just throw his eyes to Heaven, young love he would sigh. Hawkeye
would come home from each weekend on a high. Then by the middle of the
week he would be depressed because he missed her and by the end of the
week he would be all excited again because he would be seeing her soon.
"The boy is in a daze!" Daniel would say to Nina.

This weekend Margaret had wanted him to accompany her to a fund raising
dinner for the hospital. "Its formal so wear a tuxedo" she warned.

He went straight to the hospital when he arrived. She was to be dressed
and ready to go straight after her shift. He walked in already dressed in
his tuxedo and waited for her by the nurses' station. He was by now used
to the stares he received from Margaret's colleagues. He knew they would
be whispering about him, what they were saying he didn't know but he
didn't particularly care.

"Hi Carla, you look lovely tonight!" he said as he noticed her approach.

"Why thank you Hawkeye. You scrub up well yourself! Now if only my man
would get here!"

"When's your big day by the way?"

"Two months from next Saturday. I just know I'm going to be the one
waiting at the alter for him, he is always late!"

Margaret emerged from the nearby nurses changing rooms. She wore a deep
red evening gown. Hawkeye could barely contain himself as he looked her
up and down.

"You look absolutely amazing!" he said.

"Thank you. Shall we go!" she smiled putting her hand out to take his
arm.

"See you later ladies!" Hawkeye said to the on-duty staff.

"You're getting to be very popular around here you know?" Margaret said
to him.

"Yes but there's only one girl who's opinion I care about" he said
smiling at her.

They reached the car and he opened the door for her. He then sat in
himself and before starting the engine he reached into the back of the
car and pulled out a small package.

"There's something I wanted to give you before we go, I thought you might
like it for tonight!" he said handing the package to her.

"What is it?" she said her eyes sparkling.

She ripped open the package to reveal a beautiful pearl necklace.

"Oh Hawkeye this is beautiful, I can't possibly accept this it's too
much!"

"Of course you can, here let me help you" he said as he tied it around
her neck.

"Oh, it's lovely. It goes perfectly with this dress!"

"Yeah well I rang Carla to find out what you were wearing. It looks good
but there's something missing!"

"What?" she said surprised.

"Maybe you should try it with these!" he said handing her another smaller
box.

Inside was a set of matching earrings.

"There, that's it. Now you look perfect!" he exclaimed, his white teeth
gleaming in the dark.

"Hawkeye I can't possibly, this must have cost you a fortune. You're
going to have to take them back!" she said insistently.

"Now Margaret, weren't you ever told it's rude to return gifts?"

"Yes but this! You can't afford to be spending money like this on me, it
isn't right!"

"Yes I can. It's not like I've anyone else to spend my money on. I mean
pearls aren't really my father's thing!" he joked but could see she was
still uncomfortable. "Look Margaret, I just wanted you to have something
nice to wear for tonight. If it makes you feel any better then let's make
it an early birthday present. But please, if you don't accept them you'll
hurt my feelings!"

"Ok, thank you so much! I really don't have a lot of jewellery. It was
very thoughtful of you!" she said leaning in to give him a hug.

"Well I'm a thoughtful guy" he smirked.

A few minutes later they were on the road to the function. Margaret was
rummaging through her handbag, "Damn!" she said quietly. "What's the
matter?" Hawkeye asked.

"Oh, you don't by any chance have any gum do you? I didn't get to brush
my teeth!"

"Yeah, there should be a pack in the glove department" he said

"Great!" she said.

Margaret reached for the gum when something else caught her eye. She
pulled out a bottle of pills and began to read the label.

"What are these?" she asked.

Oh damn, I forgot I put those in there!

"Ah tablets!" he replied trying to sound light-hearted.

"Yes I know but what are you doing with them?"

"I'm a doctor, we tend to carry things like that around!" he said
jokingly.

"Yes but these are prescribed to you!"

Ah caught! Can't lie your way out of this one!

"How long have you been on anti-depressants?"

Hawkeye remained silent.

"Hawkeye, answer me?"

He left out a sigh. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. Well the
cats out of the bag now Benny boy, time to fess up!

"I'm not on anti-depressants as such. I haven't taken one in ages."

He kept his eyes on the road the entire time.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"There was nothing to tell. It's no big deal!"

"Hawkeye, being put on anti-depressants is a big deal! Why didn't you
tell me?"

He bowed his head slightly, there was no getting out of this one easily.

"I'm sorry. Look, let's just try to enjoy the night ok! I promise I'll
explain everything later, everything! There's nothing to worry about
honestly"

"Ok" She gave in knowing there was no point in spoiling the night by
pursuing this now.

******************************************************************

Hawkeye and Margaret danced the night away. To anyone watching they
looked like a couple that was very much in love. They had no fear of each
other now, they danced close enough to taste each other's breath. Both
bodies trembled at the thought of getting even closer. Hawkeye wasn't
sure how much longer he could go on denying his feelings for her.

"I have to go to the ladies!" she said as they left the dance floor.

Hawkeye took a seat beside Carla. "Good night wasn't it?"

"Yeah" Carla agreed "You two certainly seem to be enjoying yourselves!"

Hawkeye just smiled.

"Hawkeye, can I be frank with you?"

Ugh, that name always sent a shiver down his spine.

"Of course!" he replied.

"Well it's like this. When are you going to cut the crap and tell
Margaret that you love her?"

"What?" Hawkeye said raising his eyebrows in shock.

"Oh come on. Everyone in this room can see you two are in love. Everyone
except you two that is! Just tell her! She's nuts about you too you
know!"

"Do you really think so?"

"Allow me to demonstrate. Hey Jeanine!"

"Yeah" said Jeanine as she crossed the floor to stand beside them.

"Do you think that Margaret and Hawkeye are in love?"

"Duh!" she said. "A blind man could see that. Hey when are you two gonna
get it together?" she said in Hawkeye's direction. Hawkeye just shrugged
his shoulders.

"Thank you Jeanine that will be all" Carla said as Jeanine walked away.
"Now do you believe me, or do I have to ask the entire nursing staff?"

"No that won't be necessary!"

"So what are you gonna do about it?"

"I don't know, I mean Margaret has never indicated that she wants
anything more!"

"Then what are you doing wasting your time coming up here week after
week? Think about it!" she quietened down as she saw Margaret coming
back. "Hi Margaret, having a nice evening?"

"Yes how about you?"

"I would be if I could drag my man away from the bar!" Carla replied.
"Anyway I should go and try to get him home. See you guys!"

"Bye" Margaret said.

Carla gave Hawkeye a warning look behind Margaret's back as she left.

"I really don't know what Carla and Jack see in each other. They spend
most of the time fighting and the rest of the time not talking to each
other" she laughed. "Are you ok?" she said noticing he was very pensive.

"Hmm, yeah, fine!"

"You look like you're on another planet!"

"Sorry, guess I did a bit too much dancing, I'm a little tired!"

"Why don't we head away, the crowds thinning out anyway?"

"Ok" he said helping her into her coat. "Did you have a nice night?" he
asked.

"I had a wonderful night!"

"Yeah, we have a lot of fun together don't we?"

"Yes we do!"

"Margaret?" he asked.

"Yes?"

"Ah, it doesn't matter!"

Wimp he said in his mind. He just had no idea how to ask her. He was also
dreading the conversation they would have later about the bottle of
pills. He was hoping she'd forget but that was highly unlikely with
Margaret.

*****************************************************************

"Oh my feet ache!" Margaret sighed as she opened the door to the
apartment.

"I told you to take the elevator!" he said from behind her.

Margaret made no response, instead she kicked off her shoes and headed
for the refrigerator. "What something to eat?" she shouted as Hawkeye had
gone into the bathroom. "No I'm fine!" came the reply.

When Hawkeye re-emerged, Margaret was lying on the sofa with a glass of
water.

"I just know I'm going to have a huge hangover tomorrow!"

Hawkeye sat at her feet and began to massage her toes.

"Well you're in luck, there happens to be a doctor in the house to take
care of you!"

"You're too good to me!" she said sleepily.

Hawkeye was trying to decipher what she meant. Carla's words had been
ringing around his head all the way home. He decided now wasn't the right
time, he would wait until she was sober.

"So are you going to tell me about those pills?"

Damn she remembered.

"You're too tired now, I'll tell you tomorrow!"

"No I'm not!" she said sitting up, "Tell me now. I know what you're
trying to do, I won't let you put it off any further"

Hawkeye sighed as he walked over to take the armchair opposite her.

"Alright fine!" he said sternly.

"Truth is Margaret, I haven't been doing too well since I came home.
Those first few months were, well, awful! My friends didn't seem to know
who I was anymore. They stopped hanging around with me, life got pretty
low. I wasn't sleeping, I wasn't eating. I kept blowing up at my father
for no reason! About all I could do was drink! I was heading for another
break-down!"

Margaret kept her eyes on him the whole time. He never once looked at
her, she could tell he really didn't want to talk about it.

"In the end basically I had all these people telling me to get help,
telling me I was screwed up! Eventually it hit home and I gave Sidney a
call!"

He finally looked up. His eyes had become moist but he was holding back
the tears.

"And I've been seeing Sidney ever since, just once a month now. He really
helped get me back on track. He put me on those tablets but honestly I
haven't had to take one in months. I've been looking after myself now,
I'm training, getting myself healthy, and then, I found you again!" he
paused after this. Margaret could feel her eyes watering but she held
back.

"And you're doing much better now?" she asked.

"Since you came back into my life I've just, I've been so happy! I'm
laughing again! I'm enjoying life! You have no idea what that means to
me. I never thought I could be so happy again! I still have trouble
sleeping at night but everyday I can feel myself getting better and it's
all thanks to you!"

Margaret moved over beside him and put her arms around his neck.

"Why didn't you tell me? You know you don't have to keep things from me,
I was there, I know what you went through!"

"I know, I'm sorry, I should have told you!"

"Please talk to me Hawkeye! I'd like to think we could tell each other
anything. I mean I'm always laying my problems on you there's no reason
why you should feel as though you can't do the same with me!"

"I know, and I promise the next problem I have I'll come to you first!"

"Hey, I've a little surprise for you. Come here!" she said dragging him
over towards the spare room.

"See, I've cleared out all the junk so you have a proper bed to stay in
now! Can't have you sleeping on the sofa forever!"

Hawkeye smiled, "This is great" he said walking inside.

"I guess we should call it a night, I'm wrecked!" Margaret said.

"Ok, I'll see you in the morning!"

"Goodnight" she yawned leaning in to give him another hug.

Hawkeye spent the night tossing and turning, all he could think about was
having her warm body there beside him. He knew he would have to tell her
soon before it drove him out of his mind.